Trying to get my life back together after 5 long years on Suboxone...(Long Post)
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 221
Trying to get my life back together after 5 long years on Suboxone...(Long Post)
Hey folks, I'm Adam and I'm an addict.
I'm new so I figured I'd share my story. It's very long and I apologize for that, I always have to get into details.
I grew up in a home with Addict/Alcoholic parents. My Mother was never around because she was out partying, and my Dad stayed home and drank while he watched us. My first memory is running up and taking a sip of his beer. My parents got divorced when I was 4 or 5. It was a very difficult time. Thankfully around that time my Mom got sober. After that I had a great childhood. My parents are now both sober and both are wonderful. I give them a ton of credit for how well they raised me. They taught me all the good qualities I have and they continue to support me. Unfortunately they passed the genes of addiction on to me.
Well like most I started using drugs young. I started smoking Marijuana when I was 14. I continued to use drugs, mostly Marijuana as well as whatever I came in contact with. I have used pretty much everyday since. At age 19 I got heavy into Vicodin and other Opiates. I used them for the energy they gave me and it helped my anxiety. Eventually I was taking 10-20 a day just not to be sick and I ran out of money to afford my habit. I had no idea what Opiate Withdrawal was like. Well I found out and I was in way over my head.
I checked into Brighton Hospital Detox/Rehab in Michigan in 2007 after my parents pressured me into doing so. I stayed for about an hour, said **** it and left to go do Outpatient, Must be some kind of record. I got put on Suboxone and thought I had it made, they told me they could ease me off Opiates painlessly. Well that wasn't the case and I struggled with it for 5 years. When I was on Suboxone I couldn't really get high on Opiates so I was always looking for something else. I started snorting Suboxone and I got addicted to doing that, eventually I broke the habit, I still don't know how. I'm pretty sure the damage to my septum is due to snorting Suboxone. It burns like nothing else.
During all this time I continued to abuse other drugs. Cocaine, Benzos, Amphetamines, Marijuana, Alcohol, Opiates, and whatever else. I lost my job, relationships, my health, and my self respect. Feeling sorry for myself continued my downward spiral. At times I did okay, was working, but I was always dabbling in something.
Eventually I was introduced to Cocaine, I fell in love. The next couple months of my life I was totally consumed with obsession. All I wanted to do was Cocaine, all I could think about was Cocaine. I was miserable without it. When I had it, I did it all the time, at work, at home, on Christmas Eve. I nearly got arrested with half an ounce of Cocaine, baggies, and a scale. Luckily I ran and hid the stash, only to retrieve it the next day and continue using. Cocaine made me social at first, I had no anxiety. But then it made me paranoid and isolated. I would do all kinds of bizarre things alone in my room. Thankfully this extreme obsession passed and I moved on to other drugs.
Somehow I landed a prescription of Adderall every month. They thought I had ADD and I thought I did too. I was convinced I had figured out what was wrong with me. Well of course I abused my Adderall. I couldn't take it normal, I took it and stayed up for 3-5 days at a time. I did this for quite some time. One time I wasn't drinking enough water and I got really dehydrated. I went into Super Ventricular Tachycardia. My heart pounded in a way that I never want to feel again. Every time I stood up my blood pressure would drop and I would almost pass out. I was fairly sure I was having a heart attack. The car ride to the hospital was terrifying.
I have been hospitalized 3 times due to drug use. Feeling like I was going to die wasn't enough of a wake up call for me to say, "hey maybe I need help". I knew something was wrong with me but I always thought I could somehow fix everything on my own. I used to sit on my computer for hours and look up disorders trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
The past 2 years of my life have been the worst. I have been unemployed all this time and isolated. I have been tired and depressed, which I think is due to being on Suboxone for so long and for my unproductive lifestyle. I stole Clonopin and Morphine from my Step Dad who has Stage 3 lung cancer, and I stole Ativan from my Mother. I did this over 2 years and I got caught twice. The second time my Mother drew a line in the sand and said get your **** together or that's it. Before getting caught the second time I was extremely stressed out. I landed in the hospital for the 3rd time.
Finally I personally made the decision to go to Rehab. I accepted that I needed help, I couldn't do this on my own. I checked back into Brighton Hospital on 3-25-12. I stayed for 11 days and had an amazing experience. I met so many amazing people and I learned so much.
The day after I came home I had 10 days sober. I remembered I had some leftover pills and I relapsed. Instead of beating myself up I picked up where I left off. I made sure there wasn't anything else in the house I could take and I stayed away from people who used.
I didn't really start with-drawling until my 2nd week off of Suboxone. I guess being on Suboxone for 5 years will do that to you. The next 10 days were absolute hell. I prayed to my higher power to give me the strength to get through each day, and he did. I couldn't have done it without him. It was the most painful and drawn out thing I've ever been through. When I think about it I can hardly believe I did it. I'm still in awe. I still have withdrawals but they are mild and I can manage them. Everyday gets a little better.
Today I have 3 weeks sober, and I can't believe how far I've come. I haven't been sober this long since I was 14, and I'm 26 now. I'm doing Intensive Outpatient and I have a wonderful group there, I'm going to meetings, working on getting a sponsor, and working the steps. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to be alive and to get my life back together. I'm feeling emotions I haven't felt in ages, and even when they are bad I welcome them. I have a long way to go but I only have to worry about today, and life is so much easier that way!
If you're still reading thanks for listening to my story, I apologize for the length. If anyone out there is still struggling to stay sober I hope you find the help I did.
I'm new so I figured I'd share my story. It's very long and I apologize for that, I always have to get into details.
I grew up in a home with Addict/Alcoholic parents. My Mother was never around because she was out partying, and my Dad stayed home and drank while he watched us. My first memory is running up and taking a sip of his beer. My parents got divorced when I was 4 or 5. It was a very difficult time. Thankfully around that time my Mom got sober. After that I had a great childhood. My parents are now both sober and both are wonderful. I give them a ton of credit for how well they raised me. They taught me all the good qualities I have and they continue to support me. Unfortunately they passed the genes of addiction on to me.
Well like most I started using drugs young. I started smoking Marijuana when I was 14. I continued to use drugs, mostly Marijuana as well as whatever I came in contact with. I have used pretty much everyday since. At age 19 I got heavy into Vicodin and other Opiates. I used them for the energy they gave me and it helped my anxiety. Eventually I was taking 10-20 a day just not to be sick and I ran out of money to afford my habit. I had no idea what Opiate Withdrawal was like. Well I found out and I was in way over my head.
I checked into Brighton Hospital Detox/Rehab in Michigan in 2007 after my parents pressured me into doing so. I stayed for about an hour, said **** it and left to go do Outpatient, Must be some kind of record. I got put on Suboxone and thought I had it made, they told me they could ease me off Opiates painlessly. Well that wasn't the case and I struggled with it for 5 years. When I was on Suboxone I couldn't really get high on Opiates so I was always looking for something else. I started snorting Suboxone and I got addicted to doing that, eventually I broke the habit, I still don't know how. I'm pretty sure the damage to my septum is due to snorting Suboxone. It burns like nothing else.
During all this time I continued to abuse other drugs. Cocaine, Benzos, Amphetamines, Marijuana, Alcohol, Opiates, and whatever else. I lost my job, relationships, my health, and my self respect. Feeling sorry for myself continued my downward spiral. At times I did okay, was working, but I was always dabbling in something.
Eventually I was introduced to Cocaine, I fell in love. The next couple months of my life I was totally consumed with obsession. All I wanted to do was Cocaine, all I could think about was Cocaine. I was miserable without it. When I had it, I did it all the time, at work, at home, on Christmas Eve. I nearly got arrested with half an ounce of Cocaine, baggies, and a scale. Luckily I ran and hid the stash, only to retrieve it the next day and continue using. Cocaine made me social at first, I had no anxiety. But then it made me paranoid and isolated. I would do all kinds of bizarre things alone in my room. Thankfully this extreme obsession passed and I moved on to other drugs.
Somehow I landed a prescription of Adderall every month. They thought I had ADD and I thought I did too. I was convinced I had figured out what was wrong with me. Well of course I abused my Adderall. I couldn't take it normal, I took it and stayed up for 3-5 days at a time. I did this for quite some time. One time I wasn't drinking enough water and I got really dehydrated. I went into Super Ventricular Tachycardia. My heart pounded in a way that I never want to feel again. Every time I stood up my blood pressure would drop and I would almost pass out. I was fairly sure I was having a heart attack. The car ride to the hospital was terrifying.
I have been hospitalized 3 times due to drug use. Feeling like I was going to die wasn't enough of a wake up call for me to say, "hey maybe I need help". I knew something was wrong with me but I always thought I could somehow fix everything on my own. I used to sit on my computer for hours and look up disorders trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
The past 2 years of my life have been the worst. I have been unemployed all this time and isolated. I have been tired and depressed, which I think is due to being on Suboxone for so long and for my unproductive lifestyle. I stole Clonopin and Morphine from my Step Dad who has Stage 3 lung cancer, and I stole Ativan from my Mother. I did this over 2 years and I got caught twice. The second time my Mother drew a line in the sand and said get your **** together or that's it. Before getting caught the second time I was extremely stressed out. I landed in the hospital for the 3rd time.
Finally I personally made the decision to go to Rehab. I accepted that I needed help, I couldn't do this on my own. I checked back into Brighton Hospital on 3-25-12. I stayed for 11 days and had an amazing experience. I met so many amazing people and I learned so much.
The day after I came home I had 10 days sober. I remembered I had some leftover pills and I relapsed. Instead of beating myself up I picked up where I left off. I made sure there wasn't anything else in the house I could take and I stayed away from people who used.
I didn't really start with-drawling until my 2nd week off of Suboxone. I guess being on Suboxone for 5 years will do that to you. The next 10 days were absolute hell. I prayed to my higher power to give me the strength to get through each day, and he did. I couldn't have done it without him. It was the most painful and drawn out thing I've ever been through. When I think about it I can hardly believe I did it. I'm still in awe. I still have withdrawals but they are mild and I can manage them. Everyday gets a little better.
Today I have 3 weeks sober, and I can't believe how far I've come. I haven't been sober this long since I was 14, and I'm 26 now. I'm doing Intensive Outpatient and I have a wonderful group there, I'm going to meetings, working on getting a sponsor, and working the steps. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to be alive and to get my life back together. I'm feeling emotions I haven't felt in ages, and even when they are bad I welcome them. I have a long way to go but I only have to worry about today, and life is so much easier that way!
If you're still reading thanks for listening to my story, I apologize for the length. If anyone out there is still struggling to stay sober I hope you find the help I did.
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I went to a meeting this morning...And on the way there and on the way back...All I could think about was this story. It's so much like mine....But I did it with alcohol only. I mean I dabbled with drugs but I guess they just never got their claws into me like alcohol did. I started with drinking and Marijuana at the same age..hospitalized 3 times due to alcohol use...The way you describe your last two years..unemployed and isolated..tired and depressed....That was me. It almost killed me. There is a way out of this sh!t....And I think you found it. I don't know...I guess I just needed to read this today for a reason...I'm glad you're here.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Sapling 
I went to a meeting this morning...And on the way there and on the way back...All I could think about was this story. It's so much like mine....But I did it with alcohol only. I mean I dabbled with drugs but I guess they just never got their claws into me like alcohol did. I started with drinking and Marijuana at the same age..hospitalized 3 times due to alcohol use...The way you describe your last two years..unemployed and isolated..tired and depressed....That was me. It almost killed me. There is a way out of this sh!t....And I think you found it. I don't know...I guess I just needed to read this today for a reason...I'm glad you're here.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Dispatches
I'm really glad you can relate. Listening to peoples stories always helps me.
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