Angry

Old 04-25-2012, 12:51 PM
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Angry

My recovering AH with 14 days clean fell down the steps Monday. I took him to the ER. Nothing broken...just sore. He demanded a lot of morphine. Then Tuesday at 3 pm. he started having intense chest pains. He has had two previous heart attacks so I knew if the 2nd nitro pill didn't stop the pain...to rush him back to the ER. They did multiple tests, and could not find anything. I told them in the ER that he was withdrawing from bath salts...legal meth and had been using a lot for ten months. So I spent two nights in the hospital. I ran up and down the stairs to buy him yogurt, sandwiches, drinks...etc. I fed him. I went back and forth to the house to get him clean clothes. I missed the dr. yesterday because I was running around for him. I was going to tell him about the withdrawals. Today he went in for heart cath surgery. I have been so afraid he was going to die. I am totally strug out and exhausted. After the exploratory cath lab they sent him up to his room the back way and the surgeon met with me alone.

The surgeon asked me point blank...is your husband withdrawing from amphetamine type drugs? I said yes....did he not tell you? The dr. said no...you are the first to tell me but that is why he was having chest spasms. He did not have a heart attack his heart is fine.

I told my husband what the surgeon said and he told me to tell everyone that he had had a mild heart attack and not to mention the drugs. His friend from work called. This is the friend that my husband told me that he confessed to last week about his drug problem. I had moved into a hotel. When my husband told me he had been honest with his friend I believed him and came back home. He is in NA and working with a sponsor. However, when I talked to this friend at work he said Jon probably had the heart attack because I moved out and it caused him stres. I asked this friend did Jon tell you the reason I moved out? He said something about another woman? I said no...the 'other reason.' his friend said no Jon had not told him anything else. So my husband lied to me again just to get me home. I did not go on to tell the friend the real truth about his drug addiction. I called my sponsor and she told me never to lie to anyone about his drug use again. So I slipped. I did tell his sister the truth.

When I picked him up from the hospital I was angry and told him about my call to his friend at work. You didn't tell him, did you....he said. No, but you lied to me and told me you had told him and it was very awkward and I am sick of your lies and b.s. then he went on to tell me...oh go ahead....it is always a one way street...just push me down some more. I told him he was an ungrateful ass. That I have been running around all week thinking he was having a heart attack....sick to death with worry. I told him it was going to be my way or the highway which are his very words he used on my addict son 4 months ago. He said fine, I'm leaving or just drop me somewhere. I took him home.

I am grateful that he has 14 days clean....I am upset that he continues to lie and b.s. me. I am grateful he did not have a heart attack but angry that he didn't go to detox which would have cost us nothing. Now we have a huge hospital bill.

I know he has the disease of addiction but after a year of lies and b.s.I am freakin worn out! I will not lie for him again. I feel like calling his friend at work and telling him because he is wondering what I am talking about but that may put his job in jeopardy. But funny how I am getting blamed for the so called heart attack. *******.
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Old 04-25-2012, 01:21 PM
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Whew! Breathe! I'm sure glad you got that out. Better out than in. Better here than anywhere else.

So whatcha going to do for you today?

That may sound like a flippant question. I know it did to me the first time someone asked me. But that question is one I ask myself often now and it pulls me through some really tough times.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 04-25-2012, 01:22 PM
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Please know that you can get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride anytime you want to do so. Until then, expect more of the same....lies, manipulation, demands you continue to cover and lie for him and the biils.

He is living his life as he sees fit to do. Are you?
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Old 04-25-2012, 01:41 PM
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when you've had enough his words won't mean diddly squat anymore.
Yep.
I noticed that he would rather take a chance on dying than telling the truth to his doctor.
His drug of choice is more important than his life.
Where do you think you fall in the short list of important things in his life Windblown?
To his friends, you are the excuse and the cover. Not a wife, no respect for you.
Please take care of yourself Windblown.

Beth
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Old 04-25-2012, 02:00 PM
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Yes, please take care of YOU! Those bath salts are extremely dangerous to the point of psychosis. Please goggle it, if you haven't already. I know FL and LA banned them quickly because of the danger.

Addiction is addiction (lies, manipulation, and more lies ) but IMO some drugs are more dangerous than others! Please be careful!!
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Old 04-25-2012, 03:09 PM
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That sounds like it must have been extremely stressful for you. He obviously does not care what he puts you through.

These are very dangerous drugs that he is taking. Now, he is piling morphine on top of that. It makes me wonder why he fell down the steps in the first place? I would say that if this happens again, either call 911 or let him call 911 and then let go and let God. You can't save him from himself. Like they always say on here, "Let go or be dragged."

Good for you for sharing and for talking to your sponsor.
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Old 04-25-2012, 03:50 PM
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sounds to me that you have had enough. now it is time to look after You. now is the time to decided exactly what You want to do. prayers going up for you,
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Old 04-25-2012, 05:32 PM
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Thanks everyone. I was insane and exhausted this morning. I called the DEA on that particular smoke shop. They said they'd look into it but didn't seem too concerned. So I put my hair up in a pigtail and under a hat, wore sunglasses and dark baggy clothes...wrote out a sign that says "bath salts kill." Then I proceeded to go to the smoke shop to tell them off. How they were selling illegal drugs that screwed up my husband and my teenager and I called the DEA and if you want to shoot me...go ahead...they know who I am and they have my back you mother.......I prayed for a split second to my higher power and she said NO...don't do it. Call someone in the program. So I called a fried and let out my rage and she told me not to do that and to go to a meeting...that I was exhibiting crazy behaivor. I am not crazy but I was behaving that way. She told me they would call the cops on me or shoot me. So I listened. I went to this 12 step club and hung out for two hours and then caught a meeting. I talked to this cool homeless guy in Alanon and this other young guy. I bought them a pizza. I feel better now. I used the tools of the program but it was very
difficult to turn away from my emotions and not act on them.

I am praying on clarity and what to do. I am going out to a meeting and karaoke afterwards. I can not help my spouse. I have done everything I could.

I have always felt guilty the very few times I have gotten angry. Like it was wrong...and I have always been the one to apologize. This alanon guy told me I didn't have to apologize. That it was ok to get angry especially when someone continually lies and disrespects me. Now I need to detach and move on. I keep hoping he gets the program but how long does one wait? I will pray and meditate...the answers hopefully will come....and soon. I keep saying I am done but I keep putting up and hoping. I must be insane. How long must I practice and tolerance?

I appreciate your support. I am completely sober and I acted totally insane. I am tired of the shocks. I do not want to be around him. I have to remember he is a liar but I so want things to be like they used to be. I know 14 days...if it is even that...isn't very long...I will watch his actions...not his words.

Sometimes I imagine myself in my own little apt. with a futon. I looked at some last week. It seemed so peaceful. I just don't know when to pull the plug. We have been married 8 years and I certainly have not been perfect but I never told huge lies...yes...some white lies and I never hid my drinking either. I am a recovering alanon and AA and my sobriety is the most important thing in my life and I can not live with this crazy stuff anymore. So why am I afraid to move on?
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Old 04-25-2012, 05:48 PM
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Good for you for getting help. Going to the smoke shop wouldn't have fixed your AH. I can understand that you feel anger at them for selling the bath salts, but your AH still made the choice to use them.

You said he was clean 14 days, but didn't you say that he got morphine on Monday? That is not clean. I wouldn't listen to his words--only his actions. What do his actions tell you? Are these the actions of somebody who is in recovery?

As they say on here, "How do you know if an addict is lying." He opens his mouth."
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Old 04-25-2012, 05:48 PM
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Sometimes I imagine myself in my own little apt. with a futon. I looked at some last week. It seemed so peaceful.
You hold the key to your happiness, you are the only one who can make your dreams come true,

You don't have to live like this, really. I am sorry to say, it almost never gets better but often gets worse. You will know when you have had enough...just remember, the choice to change is yours alone. You hold the key...you.

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Old 04-25-2012, 05:56 PM
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Check out my second signature. It's true...you have the key to your chains and you do NOT have to live like that. Of course, change is scary, but you can do it, just like thousands of other people have. Hopefully now you have learned that you cannot believe one single thing he says. He lies. He lies all the freaking time. You know that. You have to rely on yourself for your happiness and serenity. That isn't something another person can give you, and especially not an addict.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
. I am sorry to say, it almost never gets better but often gets worse.

Do you really believe that?

That's what a good friend just told me after finally leaving her AH after 20 years. She said "move on, the chances of him getting clean and staying clean are against the odds. Don't waste your years like me."

I really didn't want to believe her. I so wanted him to be the exception! Yet, she can almost recite word for word what he says to me. She has heard it all. Three lengthy stays in rehab, 2 yrs clean, Born again Christian, he is currently an active crack user again with no hope in sight. She has finally moved on and is very happy!
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:44 PM
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I am upset that he continues to lie and b.s. me. I am grateful he did not have a heart attack but angry that he didn't go to detox which would have cost us nothing. Now we have a huge hospital bill.
I'm angry just reading this. I can only imagine what you're feeling.

outolunch said something very true above. What you described is, simply put, going through hell. So what are you going to do for yourself? How are you going to take care of you? If I may be so bold...I'm sure having to lie for someone goes against your own sense of right and wrong, especially when the person you're lying for is avoiding responsibility for his own choices.

Please put you first and do what you need to do to be well.

ZoSo
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:41 PM
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I am going to get a divorce. I want to move on with my life. I will have to consult an attorney because I can't work out an amicable agreement with someone who lies. It will cost more but I don't want to have to work anything out with him anymore. I will claim my bedroom and bathroom. I will tell him we are roommates until either of us decides to move out. I will no longer act as a wife. I will no longer organize his meds, make his lunch, clean up after him, wash his clothes, do his errands, make his appts., have any kind of deep conversations, go anywhere with him...in turn I will have to be more independent....but to be honest he doesn't sleep with me anyway and when I've had car trouble, I have taken care of it myself. I no longer want to go so low emotionally that I act insane and I have to live in a clean, sober relatively cheap but safe apt. My higher power will guide me through the rough spots and I have a sponsor and a couple of friends. I am tired of his suicidal threats, telling me he burnt himself with a curling iron because he was in so much pain he needed to feel more. Telling me he doesn't want to lose me.....blah, blah blah bs.

I am so gullible. I believed his lies but he tricked me again and I'm done. I know he will come at me with accusations, defensiveness, anger, manipulations...but I'm working the program. Well good for you...hope ya make it.

There are many options. I don't much like the city I live in but I do have a small support group here. I can get a three month rental. I will have to figure out where to go over the weekend as I just don't want to stay here and I don't know anyone well enough to couch surf.

I tried, I hoped, I so wanted the marriage to work...8 years. But I have to let go. I can not get that insane again. I just can not do this anymore. I know I will miss him. How to go through this and stay strong without guilt...guilt for what...I gave it my all. Just a lot of years. I am 49 but I look 35. I will have to get a job. I have not been able to work due to a torn rotater cuff and am awaiting a workman's comp case in May...so until then...I will try to keep my cool and try to figure out what is good for me. I guess I don't know that all the time.

Thanks for listening.
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