Alcoholics in Al-Anon?
Dazed and confused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains
Posts: 14
Alcoholics in Al-Anon?
Does anyone have experience with alcoholics in Al-anon?
A dear friend of mine is in the midst of a very ugly, expensive, and drawn-out divorce from her angry, alcoholic husband. She attends al-anon regularly, has done so for more than a year, has a sponsor, and is working her steps. She is currently on step 4.
Her STBXH claims that she is the one with a drinking problem and constantly points the finger at her. I didn't find this surprising if he was an alcoholic. That said, I don't know him and have never met him.
The Child Family Investigator in her divorce case, not knowing who is telling the truth, has required both of them to submit to weekly random alcohol tests. And here's what surprised (and scared me big time): Rather than simply not drinking for months so that no alcohol ever appeared in her system and she gained custody of her daughter, she spent time researching the tests to determine when and how she could drink without going over some limit on the test. She is now excited when it is her day to be tested because she knows whe won't be tested for another week and she can then drink. Yikes...
She attends 3 al-anon meetings a week, and was just asked to oversee an al-ateen program. She appears to be very strong in her program. However, being excited to drink - - to work around the testing at the possible expense of her daughter - - is very, very telling.
I have detached myself from my friendship with her, but I am curious if anyone else has experience with people who attend al-anon publicly but clearly have drinking issues themselves. ???
A dear friend of mine is in the midst of a very ugly, expensive, and drawn-out divorce from her angry, alcoholic husband. She attends al-anon regularly, has done so for more than a year, has a sponsor, and is working her steps. She is currently on step 4.
Her STBXH claims that she is the one with a drinking problem and constantly points the finger at her. I didn't find this surprising if he was an alcoholic. That said, I don't know him and have never met him.
The Child Family Investigator in her divorce case, not knowing who is telling the truth, has required both of them to submit to weekly random alcohol tests. And here's what surprised (and scared me big time): Rather than simply not drinking for months so that no alcohol ever appeared in her system and she gained custody of her daughter, she spent time researching the tests to determine when and how she could drink without going over some limit on the test. She is now excited when it is her day to be tested because she knows whe won't be tested for another week and she can then drink. Yikes...
She attends 3 al-anon meetings a week, and was just asked to oversee an al-ateen program. She appears to be very strong in her program. However, being excited to drink - - to work around the testing at the possible expense of her daughter - - is very, very telling.
I have detached myself from my friendship with her, but I am curious if anyone else has experience with people who attend al-anon publicly but clearly have drinking issues themselves. ???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Sounds like maybe let it play out. People/We do crazy stuff. Some of us land on Springer...
Originally Posted by lockedout 
Does anyone have experience with alcoholics in Al-anon?
A dear friend of mine is in the midst of a very ugly, expensive, and drawn-out divorce from her angry, alcoholic husband. She attends al-anon regularly, has done so for more than a year, has a sponsor, and is working her steps. She is currently on step 4.
Her STBXH claims that she is the one with a drinking problem and constantly points the finger at her. I didn't find this surprising if he was an alcoholic. That said, I don't know him and have never met him.
The Child Family Investigator in her divorce case, not knowing who is telling the truth, has required both of them to submit to weekly random alcohol tests. And here's what surprised (and scared me big time): Rather than simply not drinking for months so that no alcohol ever appeared in her system and she gained custody of her daughter, she spent time researching the tests to determine when and how she could drink without going over some limit on the test. She is now excited when it is her day to be tested because she knows whe won't be tested for another week and she can then drink. Yikes...
She attends 3 al-anon meetings a week, and was just asked to oversee an al-ateen program. She appears to be very strong in her program. However, being excited to drink - - to work around the testing at the possible expense of her daughter - - is very, very telling.
I have detached myself from my friendship with her, but I am curious if anyone else has experience with people who attend al-anon publicly but clearly have drinking issues themselves. ???
A dear friend of mine is in the midst of a very ugly, expensive, and drawn-out divorce from her angry, alcoholic husband. She attends al-anon regularly, has done so for more than a year, has a sponsor, and is working her steps. She is currently on step 4.
Her STBXH claims that she is the one with a drinking problem and constantly points the finger at her. I didn't find this surprising if he was an alcoholic. That said, I don't know him and have never met him.
The Child Family Investigator in her divorce case, not knowing who is telling the truth, has required both of them to submit to weekly random alcohol tests. And here's what surprised (and scared me big time): Rather than simply not drinking for months so that no alcohol ever appeared in her system and she gained custody of her daughter, she spent time researching the tests to determine when and how she could drink without going over some limit on the test. She is now excited when it is her day to be tested because she knows whe won't be tested for another week and she can then drink. Yikes...
She attends 3 al-anon meetings a week, and was just asked to oversee an al-ateen program. She appears to be very strong in her program. However, being excited to drink - - to work around the testing at the possible expense of her daughter - - is very, very telling.
I have detached myself from my friendship with her, but I am curious if anyone else has experience with people who attend al-anon publicly but clearly have drinking issues themselves. ???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
My only experience with alcoholics in AlAnon was the group I went to. There was a codependent wife that came with her alcoholic husband (in recovery). During the meeting, he would talk about how much better he was to his wife. I felt really uncomfortable in the meeting that this was happening, but maybe some meetings allow that?
Edited to add: I don't know if the husband also felt he was codependent and that's why he went too.
Edited to add: I don't know if the husband also felt he was codependent and that's why he went too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sometimes people begin their recovery journey in Al-Anon and find that should also be in AA.
There are plenty of "double winners" in both groups.
Sounds like your friend is certainly leaning on alcohol right now, whether or not she is the alcoholic remains to be seen. But for some reason, she is unable to let it go. Maybe Al-Anon can help her in the future address her need to drink.
There are plenty of "double winners" in both groups.
Sounds like your friend is certainly leaning on alcohol right now, whether or not she is the alcoholic remains to be seen. But for some reason, she is unable to let it go. Maybe Al-Anon can help her in the future address her need to drink.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I quit drinking after attending Al-Anon and separating from my wife. I found that living alone it was getting easier and easier to drink every day and to drink more than I intended. I simply found it easier to quit than to deal with all the bull about is it ok to drink, if I do drink how much is ok, why do I care I'm here by myself, etc.
She may not be an alcoholic. Not everyone who has issues with drinking is.
Your friend,
She may not be an alcoholic. Not everyone who has issues with drinking is.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
One of the meetings I go to is over 50% "double winners", after all, most alkies/addicts, come from either alcoholic families or addicts so yes, they do need both programs. actually there are also combined meetings (my favorites). At the meetings everyone is welcome.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
My problem is, why would she research all those ways to get around the tests if she didn't have a problem?
Maybe they are both alcoholics. Really, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that it seems like she cares more about drinking than her child, and I do agree with you, that is very telling.
Maybe they are both alcoholics. Really, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that it seems like she cares more about drinking than her child, and I do agree with you, that is very telling.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
It sounds like she does have issues with drinking.
My two Al-Anon meetings, ACoA and my Nar-Anon meetings all have a lot of alcoholics/substance abusers and relatives of substance abusers. You can be codependent and an alcoholic too and have problems with people in your family of origin and childhood drinking.
It's very common, in fact I think it's the norm.
I would love to find groups that only had associates/friends/family of substance abusers/alcoholics, but haven't. Recovering substance abusers do add an interesting perspective, but they also often have divided 'loyalty' and trouble separating their substance abuse issues from their Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and ACoA issues. And I think there might be issues that are unique to people who have never abused a substance but who are struggling with someone else's addiction that are very hard for a 'double' or 'triple winner' to understand.
And I wonder if maybe it wouldn't also benefit a double or triple winner to have groups exclusive to them and if there aren't also issues that are almost impossible for non-substance abusers to understand.
My two Al-Anon meetings, ACoA and my Nar-Anon meetings all have a lot of alcoholics/substance abusers and relatives of substance abusers. You can be codependent and an alcoholic too and have problems with people in your family of origin and childhood drinking.
It's very common, in fact I think it's the norm.
I would love to find groups that only had associates/friends/family of substance abusers/alcoholics, but haven't. Recovering substance abusers do add an interesting perspective, but they also often have divided 'loyalty' and trouble separating their substance abuse issues from their Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and ACoA issues. And I think there might be issues that are unique to people who have never abused a substance but who are struggling with someone else's addiction that are very hard for a 'double' or 'triple winner' to understand.
And I wonder if maybe it wouldn't also benefit a double or triple winner to have groups exclusive to them and if there aren't also issues that are almost impossible for non-substance abusers to understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by inpieces314
My problem is, why would she research all those ways to get around the tests if she didn't have a problem?
Maybe they are both alcoholics. Really, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that it seems like she cares more about drinking than her child, and I do agree with you, that is very telling.
Maybe they are both alcoholics. Really, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that it seems like she cares more about drinking than her child, and I do agree with you, that is very telling.
I get the most out of Al-Anon when I focus on keeping my side of the street clean. What ever happens somewhere else is none of my business.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by m1k3
I quit drinking after attending Al-Anon and separating from my wife. I found that living alone it was getting easier and easier to drink every day and to drink more than I intended. I simply found it easier to quit than to deal with all the bull about is it ok to drink, if I do drink how much is ok, why do I care I'm here by myself, etc.
She may not be an alcoholic. Not everyone who has issues with drinking is.
Your friend,
She may not be an alcoholic. Not everyone who has issues with drinking is.
Your friend,
As for the original posters question: there are a few double winners in my Al Anon group but they don't currently drink. They both were in AA before they came to Al Anon, not the other way around.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I have seen practicing alcoholics in Al-anon. It was their way to avoid going to AA. I have seen Al-anons in AA. It was their way of enticing the alcoholic to go to AA. Just my observations. Like Mike said, why is it any of my business. I go to Al-anon to get help, and help others, not to worry about where someone else belongs. Who knows, maybe Al-anon is of great benefit to that person. Magic
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Originally Posted by m1k3
Why is this your problem?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's simple...
Alanon is not about alcoholics, nor is it about her alcoholism if she is an alcoholic. It's about people who love them. As long as she isn't' going to meetings impaired it's a non-issue relative to Alanon.
AA is where she would get help for her alcoholism, or some other program (or program alternative as some would call their programs). Whatever works I say.
And what Mike said-- it's hers not yerz.
Take care,
Cyranoak
AA is where she would get help for her alcoholism, or some other program (or program alternative as some would call their programs). Whatever works I say.
And what Mike said-- it's hers not yerz.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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