serious

sounds interesting, after being in relapse for the last few days i actually had a pretty good day at work. i wanted to stay there as long as i could, because i hated the thought of coming home... all i'm really trying to do is escape reality, i get it.

on the way from work i called my friend to keep me company for a bit. (i think being alone is what really hurts me and my ex-sobriety).
he came over with a bottle of wine, after a few honest and friendly arguments we both decided not to drink. he knows very well about my problem, and kind of understands that he has own issues with this stuff (except he is a "normal" drinker, if there is such a thing).

all that was before 11pm, and i actually felt decent enough to go for a jog or at least a walk... so i did. except i went/ran to the local pub instead... not because i was in a hurry to get drunk ... it's like some magical force just made me run over there... i had absolutely no plan of doing so. haven't been to that place in over a year. i saw a bartender that still remembered me from "before", except i look nothing like i used to (lost over 100lbs, healthy). she honestly told me "is that really you?". fast-forward a few hours, and now i have no idea how i'm going to pay rent. of course i got home, feeling "ok" because i was properly buzzed and felt that i could actually pass out for a few hours.

ha... few hours later i am shaking to the point of where my legs felt like giving out... and crying at the local convenience store to get some beer (which was obviously illegal in the middle of the night). clearly i looked so desperate that the clerk just shook her head and just let me go with my purchase.
i had one beer from that 6 pack...
i got nothing left. no food in my body for days, slept for maybe 7 hours in the last week or so. i nearly died from this behavior last year... is that what i need to "wake" myself up from this nightmare?

gordano

"i think being alone is what really hurts me and my ex-sobriety"

Yes I agree, try to spend as much time with anyone who will support your sobriety, and if you can't make sure you keep yourself busy with a hobby or really anything that will keep your mind off alcohol.

Dee74

I think we can wake up any time we like serious - honestly - it takes a lot of commitment and effort but whenever you want to say 'I'm done with this' you can be.

how much effort do you feel you're putting in right now to 'waking up'?

D

serious

Dee,
i'll be honest i really, really tried yesterday. (i know it doesn't sound like that from my post). i wanted to wake up this morning to post that it's my first 24 hours of sobriety again. and i would be proud even of those few hours. i remember counting down seconds, minutes, hours, days... weeks and eventually months (when i tried to "seriously" get sober).
to answer your question... i'm putting in "zero" effort (clearly)... maybe that's not entirely true, i was making jokes with friends yesterday and smiling (between crying about my loss). but i turned back to booze and that's all there is to it. i know and knew better, but i slipped. not sure how to get back, talked to friends and family and my doc and the resounding response is "you've done it before, you'll do it again. people get hurt... it's ok".
i should know... i've lost two friends in two years. one to alcohol and prescription meds... and the one who passed last week was because of drunk driving (i wasn't involved in any way).
wouldn't one think that if this is not a "wake up" call... than what is?

Dee74

I'm not trying to beat you up serious...I just know from my own experience that if you have a passive stance or a fatalistic attitude to whats going on, whole years can slip by.

You need to make more of an effort for recovery than you do for drinking.

If you're being brought down by grief then maybe it's time to do something about that and see a Dr or a counsellor?

Only you can change the situation here, serious.
I'm rooting for ya

D