scrambled2012

I'm writing now this hopeing that reading it later will help me stay sober.

I'm worried.

When I got "in trouble" 100 days ago, everything in me was aligned to never drink again. I was and still am glad I got my dui because it enabled me to snap out of daily habits that I coudn't afford money or health-wise. Things have improved. My memory is better, my handwriting, my work performance. My bills are more manageable, even with costs and fines. I have more confidence in faceing problems because "hey i'm not drinking."

I thought during the first few weeks that the real challange for me would start after my 6 month suspension was lifted (3 months from now). I still feel that way. If I won the lotto, I would be in huge danger.

Here's the thing. My "drinking dreams" are changing. They have gone from zero, to periodic where I'm spitting the stuff out (I considered this good-still not wanting to drink), to now 3 or 4 times a week were i'm drinking and happy to be "getting away with it."

Just dreamed of my house full of empties that I was getting tossed into garbage bags, whilst being happy to have cases and cases of fulls to "Keep me going." Its the emotional responce here that concerns me. I had the sense of "hey i'm making progress!"

My resolve is not as strong as I had wanted it to be.

My awake mind is still 100%. I know it cannot be an option for me to drink. I cannot put others at risk and I cannot predict or control what I will decide to do if I allow myself to get drunk. I drank for the buzz and enjoyed getting drunk, it was the only reason I used alcohol.

I felt better when my sleeping self didn't forget these truths. I'm scared because part of me is forgetting what I must always remember.

Dee74

Personally I'm not one to put a lot of stock in dreams - I can't fly in real life, I've never been chased by homicidal maniacs and I've never gone to school half naked, y'know?

Do you have any other reason for thinking your resolve is weakening, beside the dreams, Scrambled?

D

ReadyAndAble

Good, because that's the mind that has to drive you to the store and pay for the booze. Seriously, I think you should focus on the positives. You're doing well—and your resolve sounds strong. So maybe your dreams are the last refuge of your addiction. I'm sure in time it will lose its grip there as well.

RyanRyan

I've had dreams of being unfaithful to my spouse before and of committing murder. I'm married 17 years and have never been unfaithful and would never hurt a soul...Dreams can be funny, what matters is that when you're awake those cases of empties and fulls aren't really there! Good luck

instant

Dreams are what they are. Who knows what they mean. Maybe they are serving as a warning about letting your guard down and romanticising your past exploits and sue of DOC?

It's what we do in the real world that counts.

Spinach

Your still here, you know your direction.
I don't think it means much and if it's made you concerned then it's hopefully keeping you sober !!
John.

scrambled2012

Do you have any other reason for thinking your resolve is weakening, beside the dreams, Scrambled?

I've had momentary mental flashes, when alone, of "eventually I can go somewhere, lock myself in, and get trashed." The fact that I have them at all is of concern because for the first few weeks after getting in trouble, no part of me wanted anything to do with drinking again, ever. My responce is to "play the tape to the end." I make mental statements reminding myself that I will never be happy enough, I will always drink more to the point of doing something I regret--if not the first time, then the next. I remind myself that this is objective fact, not mere worries of others. I remind myself that I could have killed somebody, and that society cannot afford to allow such irresponcibilty.

I tell myself that I have lost the legal & moral right to use alcohol because of how I use it and its effects on me.

I don't feel resentment, but I do feel some sadness. I feel some frustration when I'm mentally stuck and I want to "jolt" myself into action of some kind (although that motive never really worked with alcohol, I would just end up drinking and thinking, not getting things done).

I have so far always come to the right conclusions. Being a responcible local citizen is one of the few things I can take pride in. I desperately want to be trustworthy, and would never want to harm anybody.

That's the conversation I have with myself. Having to have it at all, after what I have learned (the hard way), is surprising.

Dee74

I nearly died from my drinking - fear was a great motivator for me initially - but fear fades...

I think some of us feel that if we ever think about drinking again it's a failure - do not pass go, do not collect $200...

I don't follow that line. I think thinking that way is very natural for alcoholics.

I too had those momentary thoughts and I've continued to have them...each year they lessened in intensity tho and became even more fleeting...can't remember the last one

I'm not worried by them if they do happen tho - I know now I don't need to act on them, and I don't want to act on them....I've changed....They're like sense memories of someone I used to be.

You're right to be cautious and vigilant - but remember you're in charge here...not any rogue internal addiction

I think, and it's been my experience, that what we do in response to the thoughts is far more important that the thoughts themselves Scrambled - you're not complacent and you're being vigilant - I think you're doing well, man

awuh1

I believe your reasoning is correct, for you like it is for me. I have lost the moral right to ingest alcohol because of the effect it has on me. Simple as that. I cannot control how much I will drink, which in turn leads to the potential for me to put other people in danger, (mostly by drunk driving, though God only knows what other sort of harmful thing I might engage in). The last time I drank it was in response to some severe disappointment which brought on a case of the “ F**k its” . I did not care about you, me, the world, ANYTHING! After a brief of insanity I needed to look at what had gone wrong. I was forced to accept that I got drunk because of how I felt. I had driven a car in order to get more alcohol and had put other people in danger by doing so. This was something I swore I would never again do. And for what? Because I did not like how I felt. WOW! How pathetic.

The solution came down to devaluing how I felt. Now I make every effort to lead a principled existence. How I “feel” is no longer the thing of highest value to me. This was the only way into long term sobriety and a meaningful existence for me. I see you having the same struggle at this point in your sobriety. A part of you still wants to “feel good” at all costs. It’s good you recognize that. It’s even better that you seem to have such a strong moral compass.

OCDDan

Scrambled,
I don't think you'll relapse because you seem to have it all together pretty good, But having relapsed recently myself, i can tell you first hand that getting trashed sounds much better before getting trashed than after. Waking up and feeling ok is much better (to me) than drinking and trying to feel good for a few hours, not suceeding, then feeling lousy all the next day. I seem to forget this over and over but I hope it helps you. good luck.

RobbyRobot

You may want to revisit how you felt about control issues when you first quit and how you feel about them currently. Things have changed for you since you quit drinking, and perhaps you've not yet reevaluated how completely free you felt when initially quitting, compared to present times, where perhaps you're feeling more boxed in or otherwise less free.

We of course experience a profound freedom when we first unshackle ourselves from the prison of addiction. As time moves on, some ambivalence can be expected and expressed in thoughts and feelings. We are not machines, after all, and so having dreams and whatever else is really not surprising when we think about it. My experience has been the occasional flights with ambivalence end soon enough, and decidely so.

I can suggest looking at any past or present "personal control" issues in your past drinking life and in your current sans alcohol life. Alcohol, after all, allowed us to be "out of control" and sometimes that can be appealing even when we have absolutely no desire to go back to drinking.

My first year or so had me revisiting and reevaluating myself constantly as I progressed, and as the years go by, less so.

FWIW, I think you're doing fine. Good going!

sugarbear1

Alcohol Jail. Don't go there again and just don't drink today.

I resolve not to go to that jail again, but I don't look ahead too far into the future. Just for today, I won't drink. Calms things down and keeps me in the present.

You can stay stopped! Dreams are freebies. Eventually you won't remember them too much after you wake up!

Anna

I think that dreams show you that your subconcious mind is thinking about drinking, but that's all. And having fleeting thoughts about drinking, doesn't necessarily mean you will drink again. After all, they are just thoughts and you don't need to act on them.

heathersweeds

Hey Scram, I think your exactly where you are supposed to be in your recovery. We have a phenomenon of craving, some believe an allergy to alcohol. It takes time. Don't worry about the thoughts of taking a drink. It's what we do with the thought that matters. I know you like to read. Try reading the BIG BOOk of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. Even if you don't like AA, it describes us and our way of thinking. It gave me such relief and I have less fear!!

Opivotal

No one can FORCE me to pick up that first drink... not a dream, not a friend, neighbor, colleague, or circumstance. The decision is always mine.

Most if not all of my dreams involve me sneaking alcohol. Doesn't mean I have to act on them or live in fear that a relapse is imminent. Maybe take a look at whats going on in your life right now. I usually find stress or a big decision is involved. Sometimes there is absolutely no reason for them.

It's always good to examine your recovery. There may be some areas you need to address. Posting your concerns is a great way to work through them.



Best Wishes To You!

Threshold

Been thinking in my own life/situation. I do better when I am working towards something I want than when I am running away from something I fear.

So, I figure out where I want to be etc, and head in that direction. Early on, sobriety was where I wanted to be...as things go on, and some goals are met, I need to keep walking forward and focus on where I want to be, not looking back and worrying about running from whatever.

I have to focus on sobriety rather than using, on my next step rather than the one's I was taking back when. etc.

I can get caught up quick and easy in my fear mode. Been doing that a lot lately.