Lanchel

I have been using and abusing alcohol since I was 14. The past 5 years has been progressively getting worse and worse. I knew it was wrong but sould always seem to justify it somehow.

I'm divorced and my two children live with their father as I also suffer from bipolar disorder and he's aware of my alcohol consumption.

December 2010 I met an incredible fabulous gorgeous man and we started dating. We moved very quickly and one month into the relaitonship he became aware of the alcohol problem. I started lying to him, hiding bottles trying to hide when I'd been drinking. I thought I was hiding it.....I drank in the morning, at lunch, at work, at home.....constantly - even while driving.

He would cry and beg for me to stop that I was destroying the family we were trying to create. We would horrible arguements I wouldn't even remember because I was so wasted. He would write letters, try everything to get me to stop and I wouldn't. And to make matters even worse I wasn't taking my bipolar medication, I was a ticking timebomb ready to explode

He was the man I was looking for, we had a perfect blended family life. My children were spending more time with us, we were hiking and biking and staying busy, laughing and being 'normal', he helped out around the house, took care of all my needs - I couldn't of created a better person to love, but I drank through it all.

One night after I'd been railed with anxiety and frustration at the world and myself I broke and had a melt down, the police were called and I was taken to hospital. I'll never forget the look on my wonderful man's face when I was escorted out the door, I knew I'd ruined all the love he had for me. I was so broken.

I'm 2 months and 12 days sober today, I even survived going to his house and seeing him and another woman having sex on the couch without picking up. soooooo hard. He has moved all my things into storage, I have no reason to go to his house anymore- we lived together for a year and a half.

I take full responsibility but I hate that he's already with someone else and that he's lost respect for me. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I just couldn't stop. Right now the world seems suffocating and so lonely but I know it will get better. I have lost everything. I can't have visits with my children unless it's at their father's house, all my things are in storage and I've had to rent a room in a house. I'm unable to work and just feel so incredibly sad and lonely right now.

When does the pain start to ease? I feel like I'm a terrible person for destroying something so beautiful with my toxic habit (which I didn't even enjoy at the end). I wonder if I'll ever find anyone that compares to him again or regret my actions for the rest of my life.

kittycat3

thanks for sharing Lanchel. While I admit I have regrets that haunt me from time to time, I do think it is our responsibility when sober not to let them dominate. I quit my drinking so I could stop reliving my past. I think you definitely have some amends to make with yourself, your kids, but try to see the good in where you are. Perhaps it took all of those things that you have been through to get to where you are. And had you been sober when you met that "fabulous" man, he may not have looked so "fabulous" to you. Try to see it in the reverse, if you can, if he was so fabulous why did he choose to date you when you were in full addiction mode? Co-dependency or other issues perhaps? He is not perfect either.
Sorry for your losses, but KUDOS on 2 months plus of sobriety!! That is amazing. You will find someone even more perfect if you want to, when you are ready. The biggest regret is if you let this kind of stuff fester and trigger you to use again, now that would really be a shame.
We all have to go through the pain to appreciate the good we have now in sobriety.

DisplacedGRITS

I'm bipolar as well. Are you on medication? Are you stable? It's going to be a while before your hurt feels significantly better and i hear that people in recovery should take a year of sobriety before getting into relationships again. You need that time to straighten yourself out and really get your sobriety on track.

eJoshua

Thanks for sharing. I am BP as well.

It sure sounds like you have trouble forgiving yourself for your past mistakes. Everyone gets a second chance, you know. I've had tons of second chances and I've needed every one. If you aren't on your meds please, please, please get on them. I know it's tough, but those of us with bipolar really need our meds just to put us on a level playing field with the rest of the world.

Things will get better, I promise.

Lanchel

Hi Kittycat3

Thank you for your words, there have been others that have given me similar advice.

Because I was using through our entire relationship he couldn't possibly know the real me. I believe he's co-dependant, telling me he loved me after only two weeks and I think that's why he put up with all that was going on, he has only ever been alone for 2 months for his entire adult life. I so desperately wanted a family environment and he gave me that. I don't know what would of happened if I'd met him when I was completely sober.

I hope I can look back on this and thank him for the push I needed because maybe the purpose of this experience was to get me to hit my bottom.

kittycat3

Good on you Lanchel. Yes, an I love you after 2 weeks would be a red flag to me too. I hope that helps you process the fact that he is already with a new lady. Sorry for your pain, but with your sobriety comes hope! And with hope is the promise of a brand new day! Stick around here and we will help you through this!!!!

Lanchel

Hello DisplacedGRITS and ejoshua

Since the first day of my sobriety until today I haven't missed one dose of medication. This is the first time of consistency sine I was diagnosed in 2005 and I feel so different, so much calmer and rational. Why do we go off our medication??? He would ask me if I was taking my meds and I would yell that he was babysitting me. When I was in a good mood I would ask him to remind me and then he would and I'd yell that he wasn't my parent. He said he never knew who he was coming home to at the end of each day.

I have reread text conversations we had over the past several month and in some of them I was out of control, I can't believe he stayed with me for as long as he did. I don't know what would of happened had I not had the breakdown, we'd still be on this rollercoaster.

I'm in some good therapy and this time it's working, I have some issues that I need to deal with, self esteem, my own co-dependency, addiction, anger management; so yes I will be taking time off from any rebound relationship, or relationship in general in the hopes that I can become the woman I want to be.

Lanchel

I have been thinking about the new lady, he said a mutual friend set them up a couple weeks ago. I've wondered that even though he and I had our struggles, months of problems isn't it considered a rebound for him to be with someone so quickly?

It was up until the end of March he was still telling me he supported me and there were some I love you's and I miss you's and always thinking of you's - we would go for coffee or dinner, kisses and cuddles and than bam it stopped, yep right when he met her. I was hurt because I thought he was rebuilding the respect or at least still in love, I guess I was only seeing what I wanted to see.

I haven't found an AA group yet but I think that's something I should be doing soon. Staying sober at the beginning is easy because it's new and I wanted it soooo bad, but sometimes I have fleeting thoughts and worry about slipping when my mind starts to wander and play tricks on me, the imagination can be a very cruel thing.

eJoshua

I think it's best to try to take action on your sobriety before those fleeting thoughts come in and your mind plays tricks on you. AA might not be a bad thing to check out. I'm working the 12 steps right now and I'm finding they are helping me to forgive others and forgive myself for past mistakes and hurts.

I've been there with the relationship stuff too. I remember how insane I went when my one very serious girlfriend dumped me and ended up dating someone else. I lived with years of asking why, and how, and what went wrong. It was very tormenting for a long time. I honestly believe that I'm working through those issues now that I'm sober and working the 12 steps, and I've even gotten to the point where I'm starting to look into the dating world again.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Lanchel

I drank away a relationship...learnt nothing from that experience and then did it again with/to someone else

Eventually I got my act together - got sober - worked on myself...I grew into the person I knew I could be...

when I was ready I found love again...and this time it's lasted.

I like not hiding anything in my life, or trying to be things I'm not...I'm just me, warts and all...and my partner loves the real me. Maybe that's why it worked for so long

I'm so glad you're getting your life together - I'm sure you'll get another chance too

D

Lanchel

Hi Dee74

Thanks, I know it's the working on myself part that's going to make this recovery a success or not (and I have a lot to work on)....but at least I know that and can commit to myself to follow through.

The hiding, lying and pretending is very exhausting. I'm finally seeing the world with clearer eyes and I hope for a brighter future and when the time is right I hope, as you were able to, find the man that is the right fit for me.

EmeraldRose

I posted this on another thread that you had commented on - I hadn't gotten this far yet...
@Lanchel...I don't know how many pieces your life is in. I know mine was a scattered mess. Pick up one piece and deal with it. Then pick up another, then another. Pretty soon the pieces are picked up and can be more easily placed back into your life.
Still, everyday, I pick one thing I don't like to do, one thing I like to do and one thing I should do and I try to do them. Maybe I don't accomplish them all but the intention is there. That's all that matters -intention.
Patience is also another wonderous thing to own. Life does not move the way I expect it to...it moves the way it should and I've learned not to fight it. It works that way and everything falls into place when I have faith, patience and keep positive that no matter how bad things are they were worse when I drank.

Now I know your situation. One of the first things I had to do before I could move on with me was release the past. Let it go. I know it sounds easy but until you cut the cords of your past and how you felt and what you said and what he meant to you and how you were together -moving on will not work.
I have almost completely released negative thoughts and energy attached to feelings that I've had in the past 10 years. I still have work to do on more time but its a start.
I understand how upsetting it is for you that he can go on with his life and leave you hanging but really some people are just that way. Maybe he is just that insecure in his own skin that he needs to be latched on to another soul to make it through.
My ex found me before his divorce was final and after I moved in (within months) I found personal ads circled in local papers that he had been looking for. Then after we split I found out he was using match.com. thru his business and had his secretary make him a profile. Now I hear he has a girlfriend.
I, OTOH, have moved on alone and I like it that way. I NEED to be alone to get to know me. The me that I ignored for so many years. The me that I need to get aquainted with again that I feel like I never knew. The sober me. Give yourself some time...morn the loss of the relationship if you must, but it will NOT enhance your sobriety at all.
Where you are is where you need to be in this point of your journey. Take it for what it is and use what you have. Your sober mind.

Wishing you peace and strength.

Lanchel

EmeraldRose

Such advice, thank you. It's refreshing to hear that I'm not alone and there are so many others that are experiencing this trauma in their lives. I have never been alone and am finding the thought terrifying right now I hope in time I will be happy with just myself.

I have started to let go of the past and it is a very relieving thing to do. I have held onto memories for years that I should of purged long ago. The unfortunate part of all this is my ex-husband and now ex-boyfriend had found a polite friendship while I was together with the ex-boyfriend. They have decided to continue that relationship so the children can all see one another still. It will be very hard to cut that cord knowing that his daughter is playing with my children and not ask my kids any questions. What a tangled web. I can't see how the ex-boyfriend could do this without thinking of me and keeping some sort of attachment there. My brain is so tired.

Pojman

The main theme of your posting seemed to focus on the fact that you are missing a romantic relationship in your life. It seemed that about 80% of your post focused on your romantic well being, and the other 20% focused on your addiction, children, and your ex-husband.

I would like to make a suggestion that I hope you take to heart. If you take this suggestion seriously, I believe that you might start to feel much better. The suggestion would be to reduce your focus on a romantic relationship to about 5% of your focus, and the other 95% should be on rebuilding your relationship with your children and combating your addiction.

Lanchel

Hi Pojman

You're absolutely right, and I will take it seriously. I'm no good to anyone if I can't stay sober and my children are always number one, my mental/addictive issues have been difficult for them. Choosing sobriety and losing a relationship so closly together is difficult but I hear what you're saying and I will certainly be reflecting on your suggestion in my recovery. Thank you.

headstrong

Hi Lanchel I had a breakdown last November. Police, hospital, then mental health, then to jail, all in about 36 hours. That was my wake-up call. I lost my fiance and didn't get to see my 1 year old daughter for nearly four months. I have been sober since the first of the year and get to see my daughter every weekend. It is only for five hours on average, supervised. But I make every minute count. This too, is the first time since I was 14, that I have not been in a relationship. I am 36, so I know and understand where you are coming from. Take it one day at a time. Concentrate on you. Get out and take a walk around the block. Pick up a hobby or two to take your mind off of the other things. Only worry about what you have control over. Right now, that is you. You don't have any control over your Xs. You can't worry about them anymore. I was consumed with the courts, my ex, my daughter and everything else I didn't have any control over. Take care of you. The rest will fall in place.

EmeraldRose

It will be very hard to cut that cord knowing that his daughter is playing with my children and not ask my kids any questions. What a tangled web.

I know exactly where you're at with that...unfortunately, you can not put the loving words in anyone's mouths, you can not change brain waves to your benefit...I have come to terms with the fact that everyone's lives go on. I used to just die inside when I knew my kids were being fed lies. I wanted to die when my daughter wanted to meet her real father. I wanted to just die when she wanted to move to his state. But ya know what? I think our relationship got stronger because of it...I don't sweat the small stuff anymore and it's all small stuff. All that matters is that you are honest, true to yourself and compassionate to others with their feelings...people will know you do not waver. Eventually, it will be understood that it's all water under the bridge. I had years of situations that I thought really mattered and would just rip me apart. And ya know what? Here I am...stronger than ever...kids love and respect me despite my drinking and despite what 'others' say. Sure, they've gotten earfuls of information but ya know what...part of my fear was that some of it was true and that hurt more than the lies. Think about it.

Lanchel

Thank you Headstrong

It sounds like you've had a rough time of it. I hope that I can get to where you are soon, I like the positive vibe you have in your message. I dislike the supervised visits I have with the kids, so far only 3 and they've only been for an hour (kids are 10 and 12).

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself for getting myself into this position, I'm broke, I live in a room in a house, on disability, far in debt due to drinking and I wonder how anyone would ever want to take someone one that has so many problems.

I just keep thinking one day at a time!

headstrong

If I got anything out of AA, it was the Serenity Prayer. I'm still on step 1 after all this time. I'm having a hard time getting through steps 2 and 3 being agnostic. But it was the Serenity Prayer that made me come to my senses. The proverbial 600 LB gorilla was lifted off of my back when I realized I had no control over the things I was worried about.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.