onlyliveonce

I want to see what u guys think about what I'm thinking about doing. I divorced him almost 3 yrs. ago when he was on his way to prison with the local 20 yr old crack chick. We were married for almost 20 yrs so we have a long history. Anyway just found out - he told me himself- that his new gf is a 24 yr old very educated young lady....not his type at all. I asked him if she knew the complete truth about him and his past. He has serious issues with drugs-alcohol issues. Along with the 8 criminal domestic charges, DUI's, went to prison for robbery, got out and is on probation till October (which is why he is behaving for the most part right now). He can't go in another state cause of an outstanding warrant for selling drugs so I hope she doesn't wanna go to Disney World anytime soon. Anyway I am contemplating sending her parents a package of information on him so at least the family is aware of the monster that just entered their lives. I don't want him back nor do I want to see another young lady - this chick really seems to have alot going for herself- who has been swept up by his words to be hit or hurt like me and his other gf's. The only thing that has changed with him is his address and bed partner.My point being I have thought about this for a week or so to make sure that my motivations are purely for her safety and so this family is aware. Kinda like a public service announcement Also this is information that is public record and anyone could get if they digged hard enough. These days I am a domestic violence advocate so it is hard to not warn this family. Any thoughts or opinions on this?

Ann

I am not sure of his background, but unless he is dangerous and would be a physical threat to someone, I think I'd just stay out of it. There is nothing to be gained, if she dumps him he'll just find someone else and sadly we can't save the world from jerks or dishonest people.

Maybe just let that part of your life stay behind you and move forward to better days ahead. It's not your responsibility to protect anyone from him. People usually spot trouble pretty quick on their own.

Just my thoughts, but I hope you find peace in this and can move on.

Hugs

suki44883

I agree with Ann. Unless he is physically abusive, as Ann Landers would say...MYOB. At 24 years of age, she is an adult and sounds intelligent and has a right to live her life as she chooses. Sending inflammatory information to her parents could start a huge confrontation between them and their daughter and really, do you think he wouldn't know who sent it? If he's as bad as you say, then she will figure it out soon enough. Just because he's dating her doesn't mean she is going to marry the guy.

It just doesn't sound like something you should get involved in.

onlyliveonce

He is a violent person with 8 CDV's.

LoveMeNow

Two things come to mind ~

Would she even leave him if she knew the truth?
And why is even with him?

I understand why you want to warn her, but UNLESS she comes to you - I would mind my own business. And even if she did come to me, I would really have to pray a lot to find the answers!!

Let her have her own journey!

onlyliveonce

I have waited to make sure I am sending it for the right reason..which is her safety and the families and her knowledge. I would hope if someone had this kind of info. on someone I was seeing that I would be told. I'm not looking for them to break up...just want to let her know what the real deal is with him. If she decides to stay good luck is all I can say...cause she's gonna need it. I don't allow his manipulation nor his abuse for me or anyone else if I know about it. They moved in together after 5 months so that right there tells me alot. She's snowed already....

onlyliveonce

So u guys are telling me if this was your daughter you would not welcome this kind of information about her new beau?

onlyliveonce

She would not be the first I've warned either....the last one went to prison right along with him. And yes he knows I am thinking of doing this. I'm not worried about what he thinks about it....he knows I will lay it all on the line...it's his past misdeeds...not mine. Public records speak for themselves.

lightseeker

All I can do is share my experience.....my ex husband's wife told me all the horrible things about him and all it did was serve to do was drive me deeper into his arms. All that she told me he had already told me. Of course, he had gotten lots of points from me regarding his honesty and promises/declarations that he had seen the light and everything was going to be different. Bottom line - not one word that she told me helped me at all. In fact, I really wish that she had minded her business. When I questioned him all it did was make him tell me how different his love for me was, how things were different with him, etc. It became more difficult to resist him with all of that insight and all of the promises.

I wish that I had listened to my own gut feelings. That is the only person (me that is) that I might have listened to.......Everyone else just "didn't understand" nor had loved him in the ways that he needed to be loved. I was wrong - but all of her information didn't help me at all. It's interesting that even after all of the horrible experiences with him that I had I can honestly say that I wish that she had stayed out of our lives. It really was not any of her business at that point.

So....I hope that when he finds his next victim I will stay out of it. It's best for me to move on with my own life and stay out of his. I do say prayers for him and also....for any of his potential victims.

I understand how you might want to protect other people - but I really agree with everyone else that has commented.......

LoveMeNow

There would be nothing I could do with that information. She will make and needs to make her own decisions. It's her life.

(I am just starting to understand all this and it is so awesome!)

Chino

I wish we would have known about my RAD's xabf's very recent criminal background. She knew about it but we didn't. I never would have let him in my home. It would have saved me a few 911 phone calls.

Kindeyes

More than likely he will convince her that you're just his crazy ex. And I'm sure that he'd be quite convincing as they often are. And anything you say will confirm to her that he's telling the truth because he's charming her at this point. It's sad but probably the reality of the situation.

The only thing you would get out of it is knowing that you could say "I told you so" later.

Is it really worth the time and energy?

gentle hugs
ke

Windmills

I think it's a horrible idea to send anything to her parents, she's 24 years old. On one hand I wish someone had warned me about my ex.. But on the other I know I would have used my amazing magical thinking to change it anyway. If/when he meets someone new, I won't warn them. I've made my mistakes and I can't stop anyone else from making their own unfortunately. He will lie his way around whatever you say and you will more than likely look like the bitter ex wife.
He's probably already spun a massive web of lies around her anyway.

needbetter

I'm a bit disappointed at these answers but at the same time its understandable.

What is wrong with her offering a little information (about the cdv's)? I think women need to be able to watch each others back.

How many women could be saved if they knew the man had a tendacy to hit women. but they most likely will only heed to good judgement if the relationship has just begun or they have just started going out.

on the other hand, how do we know who to believe and know if it is or isnt just a crazy ex?

when should we intervene as a form of compasion and when do we move on and let your past be your past?

I would not tell the parents...she would look at it as if you were telling on her...beside 24 is grown

If you are convicted to help this young lady....just make the info on his past violence known to her in a discreet way. This will help you have a clear concious.

You just may help her avoid a tragic situation.

Windmills

Urgh I'm stuck. My ex is crazy and controlling and when under the influence, violent and dangerous. However.. There were PLENTY of red flags. Hundreds of them- maybe more. I know if someone had warned me I wouldn't have believed them. I wish someone had in a way, but everyone around him lied to me and hid things from me.
I can't say that in your situation I wouldn't contact the woman. I wouldn't contact her parents, I'd get in touch with her directly. Maybe that's not the right answer from a recovery POV, but from the DV side I know exactly where you're coming from.

Vale

An age old question........
With a new techie twist.50 bucks for a few Internet searches
And you can find out virtually anything about anyone.

Hiding a criminal/violent past? With public records of same?
Not a chance---the Internet (almost) makes lying obsolete.

.......so it isn't like debating whether to warn others about a minefield
you discovered.the problem lies in the mind of the next victim who
Falls for his sweet charm telling her landlines don't exist.

And she believes him!

Windmills

I'm in the UK and criminal records are confidential so I guess my outlook is different. If I found out my ex was with a woman with children I would definitely consider telling her about his insane behaviour and the fact that SS consider him a risk to my daughter. Otherwise I'm not sure. Been thinking about this all day!

cece1960

It's not my job to watch other people's backs. I am busy enough watching my own.
I think it is really insulting to the grown woman to threaten to tell her parents anything. If you have to tell someone, tell her. She knows where she is at and what she is doing, and she won't change a thing until she is ready.

OLO, Even if she does get out of the relationship, there will be another, and another. How long will you stay in this circus before you move on and live your own life?

onlyliveonce

I know she's probably been sucked in already but if she was my daughter or even my sister I would want to know no matter how old she is. Like I said I'm not looking for revenge, for the to break-up, to get him back, or anything of the sorts. I am looking to make this family aware of him and his violent past and tendencies. I already work with domestic violence victims which makes me more resolved to at least let them know. This family has many young girls in it-5- and I am sure all their safety is of the most importance. If I do send it I will suggest to them that all their young daughters do background checks on their new men and situations like this could be avoided.

I sure wish someone had warned my family and me. And you may be right it might just drive him closer to him and that's cool but at least she's been told and can make an informed decision, something I couldn't do because of all the lies, drama, manipulation, etc. ...I am just lucky to still be as intact as I am after being married to him for that long. I'm thankful for the many lessons gained from that although looking back it was all unnecessary abuse. The carnage this man leave behind is something else. His son can't stand him and sad to say but I totally understand where he's coming from. He was/is not a good father, husband, or even a decent person. And Vale it's not just a minefield I discovered...it's worse, I lived it with him...and what i went through no woman should ever have to go through. If I decide to send it after that at least they can make an informed decision and if it's the wrong one well then that's their journey because they chose it knowing full well about the complete truth about him. And all I can do is wish her luck and pray for her safety.

onlyliveonce

Cece I understand their will always be another and another....he's just better not tell me who they are cause if he does he runs the risk of me telling them all I know. He knows I'm a sleuth on the internet He doesn't want his secrets out and one thing abusers must have is for someone to keep their secrets for them to continue. Like I said earlier she hasn't been the first I've warned and the last one got her tail beat too and went to prison right along with him for their crimes. He did one year for CDV on her. I've missed my calling...I should have been a PI....LOL