Vertigo, dry drunk and just plain down
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Vertigo, dry drunk and just plain down
So....my husband ("DH") has vertigo. Several million in the US experience this every year. There is no reason that our docs know of, and there is no magic cure. Equate it to sea sickness. Thankfully, his is waning quite a bit, but not gone.
In the meantime, I feel like my life is off kilter. I have to leave work in the middle of the day to take him to the doctor, all of the house responsibilities are on me, and it's just a day to day struggle. We don't have kids so it's manageable but hard nonetheless.
A week ago DH made some kind of jerk comment I took to heart. I was really upset and cried quite a bit. I had a hard time the next day but eventually got over it. Then last night it happened again. He shushed me while on the phone, I didn't know he was on the phone and was talking to him. His shush wasn't really kind, it was a sort of sneer.
I reacted
and went from really good mood to really down. I mean just outright sad. I cried and cried. I felt like he was a total jerk to me and didn't care if I was hurt. He apologized and then added in a "but" which for me, negates any apology. He doesn't get that idea much. He claims that this time he didn't add in the "but". I began to feel sad for myself, that I am not meeting up to the expectations of "wife". I began to feel down about myself in general. 
I couldn't get out of the feeling and finally ended up taking a shower and going to bed. I woke up feeling terrible and still a little sad and am working from home today. He's here too (off work for the vertigo) and we are in separate rooms doing separate things.
I guess me getting upset over the shush is silly. It sure didn't feel like it last night. I don't feel like apologizing as I still think he was a jerk about it, doesn't he know what a hard time I"m having?
I know that's a selfish thought. I mean, he's having a hard time! Imagine having your room spin on a constant basis for no reason and there is no cure! I guess I should get a grip here. Maybe we are fighting because of this struggle. Me, my ongoing life change and him, vertigo. It is stressful.
So back to the topic at hand. Two of my biggest fears when quitting drinking: 1) My marriage will end; and 2) I'll become a "dry drunk".
I've been sober for almost 4 months now. I just wanted to post to you all as I haven't been lately and wanted to hear if anyone has any advice. Thanks.
In the meantime, I feel like my life is off kilter. I have to leave work in the middle of the day to take him to the doctor, all of the house responsibilities are on me, and it's just a day to day struggle. We don't have kids so it's manageable but hard nonetheless.
A week ago DH made some kind of jerk comment I took to heart. I was really upset and cried quite a bit. I had a hard time the next day but eventually got over it. Then last night it happened again. He shushed me while on the phone, I didn't know he was on the phone and was talking to him. His shush wasn't really kind, it was a sort of sneer.
I reacted
and went from really good mood to really down. I mean just outright sad. I cried and cried. I felt like he was a total jerk to me and didn't care if I was hurt. He apologized and then added in a "but" which for me, negates any apology. He doesn't get that idea much. He claims that this time he didn't add in the "but". I began to feel sad for myself, that I am not meeting up to the expectations of "wife". I began to feel down about myself in general. I couldn't get out of the feeling and finally ended up taking a shower and going to bed. I woke up feeling terrible and still a little sad and am working from home today. He's here too (off work for the vertigo) and we are in separate rooms doing separate things.
I guess me getting upset over the shush is silly. It sure didn't feel like it last night. I don't feel like apologizing as I still think he was a jerk about it, doesn't he know what a hard time I"m having?
I know that's a selfish thought. I mean, he's having a hard time! Imagine having your room spin on a constant basis for no reason and there is no cure! I guess I should get a grip here. Maybe we are fighting because of this struggle. Me, my ongoing life change and him, vertigo. It is stressful.
So back to the topic at hand. Two of my biggest fears when quitting drinking: 1) My marriage will end; and 2) I'll become a "dry drunk".
I've been sober for almost 4 months now. I just wanted to post to you all as I haven't been lately and wanted to hear if anyone has any advice. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Congrats on your 4 months.
Fear... It sucks for a lot of reasons. Afraid of drinking, not drinking, what will happen to our relationships, if we don't drink, if we do.
Lot's gets said about AA... a lot of it is nonsense, a lot is truth... all that. But no one can argue that it gives you a set of tools, methods, a way out, a set of directions to help with fear, resentments, guilt, shame, whatever...
Try it if you haven't.
Fear... It sucks for a lot of reasons. Afraid of drinking, not drinking, what will happen to our relationships, if we don't drink, if we do.
Lot's gets said about AA... a lot of it is nonsense, a lot is truth... all that. But no one can argue that it gives you a set of tools, methods, a way out, a set of directions to help with fear, resentments, guilt, shame, whatever...
Try it if you haven't.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Aw Lost, I'm sorry to hear that. You know, just because he's sick doesn't mean he's got an excuse to be a jerk. I get vertigo sometimes and it doesn't turn me into a b*tch. In fact, I laugh about it because I end up tilting all over the place and not realizing it. Just keep your dignity and make sure somehow he gets the message that he still needs to act like a grownup, sick or not.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi Lost. Sorry you're feeling so sad. I hate getting those awful feelings and still having them the next day. You just wake up with a sinking feeling, right?
Anyhow, if your husbands vertigo is improving, are the appointments that disrupt your work day going to dramatically lessen or be eliminated? I hope so! And yes I realize you want to help your spouse, but could he take a taxi or get a ride from someone else? I think there is a fine line between helping and being a doormat. Sometimes people need to help themselves.
At 4 months sober, I wouldn't worry about the "dry drunk" thing too much. That term gets thrown around a bit too frequently. I think it's awesome that you're dealing with life, with all it's BS, and staying sober You are thoughtfully dealing with issues, & staying sober, and sometimes that's all we can do. That's enough.
Please don't feel down on yourself and not good enough. I do that too. Was super sad yesterday, took a shower, went to bed, and woke up super sad this morning. I don't think everyday needs to be happy, happy, joy, joy. That's not real.
It seems like maybe your husband is not appreciating all you do and is being a bit dismissive! Is that right? If so, not cool. I dealt with dismissiveness, for eg the "shush" thing for many years. Won't be doing that again.
Best wishes and keep posting and feel better very soon.
Anyhow, if your husbands vertigo is improving, are the appointments that disrupt your work day going to dramatically lessen or be eliminated? I hope so! And yes I realize you want to help your spouse, but could he take a taxi or get a ride from someone else? I think there is a fine line between helping and being a doormat. Sometimes people need to help themselves.
At 4 months sober, I wouldn't worry about the "dry drunk" thing too much. That term gets thrown around a bit too frequently. I think it's awesome that you're dealing with life, with all it's BS, and staying sober
You are thoughtfully dealing with issues, & staying sober, and sometimes that's all we can do. That's enough.Please don't feel down on yourself and not good enough. I do that too. Was super sad yesterday, took a shower, went to bed, and woke up super sad this morning. I don't think everyday needs to be happy, happy, joy, joy. That's not real.
It seems like maybe your husband is not appreciating all you do and is being a bit dismissive! Is that right? If so, not cool. I dealt with dismissiveness, for eg the "shush" thing for many years. Won't be doing that again.
Best wishes and keep posting and feel better very soon.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Yes, I did have a lot of fear when I quit. And now it's come back - but mainly because of the two arguments I've had with my husband in one week. That's not normal for us. It used to be when I was drunk, but not in the past 4 months.
I'm in AA, thanks. Yes, I have a sponsor. I'm not doing the steps yet. When we meet we read the book out loud. She told me that when we get to a part that says to do something, we will do it. Right now, I don't have any set of tools, methods, a way out (other than to hang with others who also not drink), directions to help with what I'm encountering now. Just being in AA doesn't give me a magical solution to what I'm dealing with right now. I'm lost again.
What I am looking for now is practical advice. Thanks for responding.
Originally Posted by Mark75 
Fear... It sucks for a lot of reasons. Afraid of drinking, not drinking, what will happen to our relationships, if we don't drink, if we do.
Originally Posted by Mark75
Lot's gets said about AA... a lot of it is nonsense, a lot is truth... all that. But no one can argue that it gives you a set of tools, methods, a way out, a set of directions to help with fear, resentments, guilt, shame, whatever...
Try it if you haven't.
Try it if you haven't.
What I am looking for now is practical advice. Thanks for responding.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
Originally Posted by MsJax
I think it's awesome that you're dealing with life, with all it's BS, and staying sober You are thoughtfully dealing with issues, & staying sober, and sometimes that's all we can do. That's enough.
You are thoughtfully dealing with issues, & staying sober, and sometimes that's all we can do. That's enough.Hang tough..As always..wishing the best for you...
Jim
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by GirlFromCO
Aw Lost, I'm sorry to hear that. You know, just because he's sick doesn't mean he's got an excuse to be a jerk. I get vertigo sometimes and it doesn't turn me into a b*tch. In fact, I laugh about it because I end up tilting all over the place and not realizing it. Just keep your dignity and make sure somehow he gets the message that he still needs to act like a grownup, sick or not.
He just thinks that I'm making a big deal out of something small. He insists he did apologize and that's that. I should get over it is what he says. And I am having a very hard time getting over it. I am hurting inside but he really doesn't seem to care as he feels that I'm being stupid.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I don't know Lost...4 months and you haven't started the steps?...I wouldn't have made it. I didn't need to read the book out loud....I'd read it twice before I had a sponsor and used it like a text book as I did the steps...That was at week 3. By week 7 I was doing my 5th step with him and good things were starting to happen for me. At 90 days I was living in steps 10, 11 and 12....I had a spiritual awakening...A complete psychic change and I couldn't even tell you when that happened...The obsession to drink was lifted and my anxiety and depression was way less...As a result of the steps. I'm enjoying life right now and will have 10 months tomorrow...I have good friends from AA...I'm involved in it both in meetings and outside of meetings....I just can't imagine if I was reading the book out loud with my sponsor at four months.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I can appreciate what your husband is going through with the vertigo...my sister and I have both had full-blown attacks, and it is God-awful. I haven't had one in many years...my sister still gets them. But, although there doesn't seem to be a cure, there can be relief. My doctors prescribed Meclizine.
I'm sure you're feeling frustrated with the situation...him being sick and nothing being done for him...except for everything you do, which doesn't seem to be appreciated by him. It's a real dilemma...but, only if you allow it to be.
Just the fact that you've gotten sober and are managing to stay sober is a tremendous accomplishment.
The vertigo is something he'll just have to live with...look into an effective motion sickness med, go to bed and lie still for a day or two, just ride it out until it's gone. I don't understand why he has to repeatedly go to the doctor for something incurable...and, why he can't get there (if necessary) by other means than you.
You have an incurable illness, too, and you're doing what you need to do for your own well-being. Four months is a good start, but it isn't the end-all and be-all...there is so much more that can be done to be an active participant in the AA way of life. Start looking into ways you can be of service to your group.
Fear is the absence of faith. Have faith that you and your husband will make it through this rough spot in your marriage. You have lots of support here, as well as in the rooms of AA.
Meclizine is used to prevent and treat nausea, vomiting, and dizziness caused by motion sickness. It is most effective if taken before symptoms appear. This medication is sometimes prescribed for other uses; ask your doctor or pharmacist for more information. Meclizine comes as a regular and chewable tablet.
Just the fact that you've gotten sober and are managing to stay sober is a tremendous accomplishment.
The vertigo is something he'll just have to live with...look into an effective motion sickness med, go to bed and lie still for a day or two, just ride it out until it's gone. I don't understand why he has to repeatedly go to the doctor for something incurable...and, why he can't get there (if necessary) by other means than you.
You have an incurable illness, too, and you're doing what you need to do for your own well-being. Four months is a good start, but it isn't the end-all and be-all...there is so much more that can be done to be an active participant in the AA way of life. Start looking into ways you can be of service to your group.
Fear is the absence of faith. Have faith that you and your husband will make it through this rough spot in your marriage. You have lots of support here, as well as in the rooms of AA.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Lost3000
So back to the topic at hand. Two of my biggest fears when quitting drinking: 1) My marriage will end; and 2) I'll become a "dry drunk".
Originally Posted by Lost3000
Yes, I did have a lot of fear when I quit. And now it's come back - but mainly because of the two arguments I've had with my husband in one week. That's not normal for us. It used to be when I was drunk, but not in the past 4 months.
Just being in AA doesn't give me a magical solution to what I'm dealing with right now. I'm lost again.
What I am looking for now is practical advice.
Inventory and ongoing tenth step are amazingly powerful tools to give us insight on why (and what) we are feeling like we do in a given situation, and a way to process it and move on...
Like...
I resent that my husband hushed me in a sneering manner because it affects my ______ security, pride, what?
We can't take that sneer back but we can process our response to it, why do we respond that way? What can we change within ourselves, even if we can't change others?
See, for some of us, alcoholism takes that innate and seemingly obvious approach to life's little difficulties away because after years of changing how and what we feel with a drink or a pill... Inventory is one way to get that ability back, maybe not the only, nor even the best way for some.
It's not magic, it's not even that sophisticated or difficult... but it is a solution. And, believe me, it is practical. Way.
If you are serious about using the 12 steps in your recovery... call your sponsor, learn how to do this. You won't regret it.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by MsJax
You just wake up with a sinking feeling, right?
Originally Posted by MsJax
Anyhow, if your husbands vertigo is improving, are the appointments that disrupt your work day going to dramatically lessen or be eliminated? I hope so! And yes I realize you want to help your spouse, but could he take a taxi or get a ride from someone else? I think there is a fine line between helping and being a doormat. Sometimes people need to help themselves.
Originally Posted by MsJax
At 4 months sober, I wouldn't worry about the "dry drunk" thing too much. That term gets thrown around a bit too frequently. I think it's awesome that you're dealing with life, with all it's BS, and staying sober You are thoughtfully dealing with issues, & staying sober, and sometimes that's all we can do. That's enough.
You are thoughtfully dealing with issues, & staying sober, and sometimes that's all we can do. That's enough.
Originally Posted by MsJax
It seems like maybe your husband is not appreciating all you do and is being a bit dismissive! Is that right? If so, not cool. I dealt with dismissiveness, for eg the "shush" thing for many years. Won't be doing that again.
He approached me this morning and things are a lot better. I feel a lot better and am working to get back on track.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Lost,
I had a co-worker who had vertigo and I know that it's a very difficult thing to live with, and as you said, there's no cure for it. So, your husband might need a bit more patience and understanding right now. I have found that marriage isn't all giving or all taking. Right now your husband needs your support. And, yes you need his support, but honestly the recovery work is yours alone. Try to focus on your recovery and let your husband know that you understand his frustration at his situation.
I am not an AA person and I can't comment on the fact that your sponsor has done very, very little to guide you so far. By 4 months sober, I had made huge changes in my life and feeling rewarded by things coming to me that I never thought possible. Why not try to go ahead and make some positive changes in your life on your own?
I had a co-worker who had vertigo and I know that it's a very difficult thing to live with, and as you said, there's no cure for it. So, your husband might need a bit more patience and understanding right now. I have found that marriage isn't all giving or all taking. Right now your husband needs your support. And, yes you need his support, but honestly the recovery work is yours alone. Try to focus on your recovery and let your husband know that you understand his frustration at his situation.
I am not an AA person and I can't comment on the fact that your sponsor has done very, very little to guide you so far. By 4 months sober, I had made huge changes in my life and feeling rewarded by things coming to me that I never thought possible. Why not try to go ahead and make some positive changes in your life on your own?
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by Sapling
I don't know Lost...4 months and you haven't started the steps?...I wouldn't have made it. I didn't need to read the book out loud....I'd read it twice before I had a sponsor and used it like a text book as I did the steps...That was at week 3. By week 7 I was doing my 5th step with him and good things were starting to happen for me. At 90 days I was living in steps 10, 11 and 12....I had a spiritual awakening...A complete psychic change and I couldn't even tell you when that happened...The obsession to drink was lifted and my anxiety and depression was way less...As a result of the steps. I'm enjoying life right now and will have 10 months tomorrow...I have good friends from AA...I'm involved in it both in meetings and outside of meetings....I just can't imagine if I was reading the book out loud with my sponsor at four months.
I too have friends from AA. Not best friends as um, we've known each other for a very short time, but I do have friends. I'm involved in my mtgs too.
So...what's your point? I'm not sure how your post is aimed at helping me. I'm trying to see it, I really am, but I just don't. What it sounds like to me is a judgment of how I'm handling my sobriety. Whether I'm reading the big book out loud or in my head doesn't seem to be a huge point of argument.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ninja Camp
Posts: 495
Hi Lost-
I have Meniere’s disease and often have very bad vertigo attacks. I thought maybe I could explain how it feels for me. He might be feeling some of the same things.
I am not saying he has a right to be mean to you or trying to minimize what you feel-please don’t misinterpret that.
I am not myself when it happens. It is such a helpless horrible scary feeling. When it happens to me I get very upset and usually cry because it is so bad. I wonder if his anger is the same as my crying?
And it isn’t that I am sad that I am crying-it is my body going haywire- you feel so out of control and it is scary. I get hot and the nausea is horrendous and many times you vomit for hours. You know it is going to be bad and so when it starts there is also the dread. The thinking please do not let this be a horrible one.
And I know some people have said take a cab,etc but when you feel that bad where you cant walk and the actual movement of being in the car makes it worse you need someone who understands. You are scared and you want
someone who knows.
You are tired for days after. Its feels like you have been run over by a truck. If you get them back to back the exhaustion is depressing.
Vertigo isn’t something people can “see” so many times people at work think oh they just want some time off. That is hard to deal with emotionally. Also, due to the time I have missed at work it has hurt my career. Time off is considered time off and it doesn’t matter that you can’t control it.
You also lose some independence. You can’t plan long car trips any longer because you never know when it is going to hit. Having it happen in a store is really embarrassing. People think you are drunk.
Sorry this turned into such a long winded post. What I am trying to say is he probably feels both mentally and physically bad and is frustrated….he might not even know he is acting cruddy to you.
Good luck and hang in there.
I have Meniere’s disease and often have very bad vertigo attacks. I thought maybe I could explain how it feels for me. He might be feeling some of the same things.
I am not saying he has a right to be mean to you or trying to minimize what you feel-please don’t misinterpret that.
I am not myself when it happens. It is such a helpless horrible scary feeling. When it happens to me I get very upset and usually cry because it is so bad. I wonder if his anger is the same as my crying?
And it isn’t that I am sad that I am crying-it is my body going haywire- you feel so out of control and it is scary. I get hot and the nausea is horrendous and many times you vomit for hours. You know it is going to be bad and so when it starts there is also the dread. The thinking please do not let this be a horrible one.
And I know some people have said take a cab,etc but when you feel that bad where you cant walk and the actual movement of being in the car makes it worse you need someone who understands. You are scared and you want
someone who knows.
You are tired for days after. Its feels like you have been run over by a truck. If you get them back to back the exhaustion is depressing.
Vertigo isn’t something people can “see” so many times people at work think oh they just want some time off. That is hard to deal with emotionally. Also, due to the time I have missed at work it has hurt my career. Time off is considered time off and it doesn’t matter that you can’t control it.
You also lose some independence. You can’t plan long car trips any longer because you never know when it is going to hit. Having it happen in a store is really embarrassing. People think you are drunk.
Sorry this turned into such a long winded post. What I am trying to say is he probably feels both mentally and physically bad and is frustrated….he might not even know he is acting cruddy to you.
Good luck and hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
A lot of good advice here already...
the only thing I can add is that someone who thinks about her recovery as much as you obviously do is never in any danger of ever becoming a Dry Drunk IMO, whatever you take that term to mean, Lost
Seems to me from your posts you put that same analysis effort and commitment into your marriage too - regardless of the ups and downs every relationship has, I think that can only be a good thing
D
the only thing I can add is that someone who thinks about her recovery as much as you obviously do is never in any danger of ever becoming a Dry Drunk IMO, whatever you take that term to mean, Lost
Seems to me from your posts you put that same analysis effort and commitment into your marriage too - regardless of the ups and downs every relationship has, I think that can only be a good thing
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
hi Lost,
I like what Mark said. I think you have to stop and look at your reactions or at least be aware of them.
I am 11 months sober and listening to Eckhart Tolle a lot to help me to further my understanding.
I just wanted to pop in and say good on you for the 4 months to show you support.
helpful or otherwise
caiHong
I like what Mark said. I think you have to stop and look at your reactions or at least be aware of them.
I am 11 months sober and listening to Eckhart Tolle a lot to help me to further my understanding.
I just wanted to pop in and say good on you for the 4 months to show you support.
helpful or otherwise
caiHong
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
Stressful situations get me off balance in my recovery...so I continue to come up with solutions to help me to cope better...which I see you doing.
Have you considered suggesting an on-line forum for Vertigo Suffers and/or f2f support groups....which might help both of you to understand and cope better? Also, I know the state I am there are agencies that offer free rides to medical appointments...maybe there is one in your state that can assist?
Glad you posted and are here at SR.
Take care,
rwf
Have you considered suggesting an on-line forum for Vertigo Suffers and/or f2f support groups....which might help both of you to understand and cope better? Also, I know the state I am there are agencies that offer free rides to medical appointments...maybe there is one in your state that can assist?
Glad you posted and are here at SR.
Take care,
rwf
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Hey everybody! Sorry I didn't post earlier, I was busy with work. A few things:
Thanks for all the well wishes. I do think that my husband is overly grouchy and I am overly sensitive. I've always been sensitive but now I'm even more so thanks to no booze!
Our marriage is often like this, we'll have a really good long run at super happiness and then occasionally fall into a rut where everything the other one does/says annoys the other. Throw in the mix an illness and it's not pleasant. We somewhat found our way today in at least happily coming back together, played Monopoly and had lunch together.
I am analyzing things. Everything to be exact. Before I'd just drown out those thoughts with booze and get on with the next miserable day. So in that respect I do feel like I'm making progress. Figuring out why I react the way I do is a huge project, and definitely worth considering. I am trying but am not getting very far.
recoverywfaith: I hadn't thought of free medical rides. Not sure if we have one but I'll check. That was a really good suggestion. Taxis are out of the question. A vertigo forum, huh? Well maybe.... : )
CaiHong: Thank you!!! I don't know Eckhart Tolle but I'm not against checking it out!
Dee: A dry drunk to me is someone who is the same person, with no personal growth or personal accomplishment - who simply quit drinking. I want to be a more refined version of myself. Not just my screwed up self, not drinking. I hope you are right Dee in that what I'm doing will eventually get me there.
ARTEMIS: Meniere’s disease...oh boy. I've read about that. So sorry you have to go thru that. Much of what you describe is what he went thru in the beginning. It's much better now. But I like how you describe needing the support, and not being dumped in a taxi. I'm his wife and he's my husband --- and there's much worse than this out there. I'm going to be his support no matter. Lord knows he's stuck by me even with all of my emotional craziness. Actually, it wasn't until his vertigo he got cranky with my emotional/analyzing self. Also, YEAH, I do think his anger is equivalent to my crying. In fact, he's told me so before. It's just hard for me to see. If I see someone crying, my heart breaks for them. If they act angry towards me, I feel like yelling back! Maybe that's just human nature, or maybe it's just me, I dunno.
I told my husband what you all said about me struggling due to not getting through the steps. I didn't ignore what you all said. He raised his eyebrows as if to say "hmmm, maybe they have something??" I did mention it to my sponsor so I shall see. With all that's going on I'm afraid we won't be able to meet and that's not her problem - it's mine
Anna: I have lots of questions about your last paragraph. Can you expand? I sure would appreciate it. You say you can't comment on it, but say that my sponsor has "done very, very little" to guide me so far. Then you say that after 4 months sober, you had "made huge changes in my life..." Why do you think that I have not made huge changes in my life, or do you? That's just how I read it, that you had made huge changes in 4 months and I have not. Lastly, you say "why not try to go ahead and make some positive changes in your life on your own?" Um... like what? Seriously, I want to know what you think. Thanks Anna.
And lastly, I know I'm to be of service to someone. The last two weeks I've felt stretched. I'm tending to my husband, going to meetings, and working a demanding job. I have trials coming up at work and I'm working long hours all while trying to fit in all this other stuff. I can't just push work aside - it's the nature of the job. So what to do service-wise? Hmph.
Thanks for all the well wishes. I do think that my husband is overly grouchy and I am overly sensitive. I've always been sensitive but now I'm even more so thanks to no booze!
Our marriage is often like this, we'll have a really good long run at super happiness and then occasionally fall into a rut where everything the other one does/says annoys the other. Throw in the mix an illness and it's not pleasant. We somewhat found our way today in at least happily coming back together, played Monopoly and had lunch together.
I am analyzing things. Everything to be exact. Before I'd just drown out those thoughts with booze and get on with the next miserable day. So in that respect I do feel like I'm making progress. Figuring out why I react the way I do is a huge project, and definitely worth considering. I am trying but am not getting very far.
recoverywfaith: I hadn't thought of free medical rides. Not sure if we have one but I'll check. That was a really good suggestion. Taxis are out of the question. A vertigo forum, huh? Well maybe.... : )
CaiHong: Thank you!!! I don't know Eckhart Tolle but I'm not against checking it out!
Dee: A dry drunk to me is someone who is the same person, with no personal growth or personal accomplishment - who simply quit drinking. I want to be a more refined version of myself. Not just my screwed up self, not drinking. I hope you are right Dee in that what I'm doing will eventually get me there.
ARTEMIS: Meniere’s disease...oh boy. I've read about that. So sorry you have to go thru that. Much of what you describe is what he went thru in the beginning. It's much better now. But I like how you describe needing the support, and not being dumped in a taxi. I'm his wife and he's my husband --- and there's much worse than this out there. I'm going to be his support no matter. Lord knows he's stuck by me even with all of my emotional craziness. Actually, it wasn't until his vertigo he got cranky with my emotional/analyzing self. Also, YEAH, I do think his anger is equivalent to my crying. In fact, he's told me so before. It's just hard for me to see. If I see someone crying, my heart breaks for them. If they act angry towards me, I feel like yelling back! Maybe that's just human nature, or maybe it's just me, I dunno.
I told my husband what you all said about me struggling due to not getting through the steps. I didn't ignore what you all said. He raised his eyebrows as if to say "hmmm, maybe they have something??" I did mention it to my sponsor so I shall see. With all that's going on I'm afraid we won't be able to meet and that's not her problem - it's mine
Anna: I have lots of questions about your last paragraph. Can you expand? I sure would appreciate it. You say you can't comment on it, but say that my sponsor has "done very, very little" to guide me so far. Then you say that after 4 months sober, you had "made huge changes in my life..." Why do you think that I have not made huge changes in my life, or do you? That's just how I read it, that you had made huge changes in 4 months and I have not. Lastly, you say "why not try to go ahead and make some positive changes in your life on your own?" Um... like what? Seriously, I want to know what you think. Thanks Anna.
And lastly, I know I'm to be of service to someone. The last two weeks I've felt stretched. I'm tending to my husband, going to meetings, and working a demanding job. I have trials coming up at work and I'm working long hours all while trying to fit in all this other stuff. I can't just push work aside - it's the nature of the job. So what to do service-wise? Hmph.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by Mark75
Well, Yea I get it, but it was kind of the point I was trying to make, and I hesitate to go all 12 step on ya, especially here in the newcomers, people misunderstand, and, well, I am not really much in the way of having pat answers and a slogan for every bump in the road... However
Inventory and ongoing tenth step are amazingly powerful tools to give us insight on why (and what) we are feeling like we do in a given situation, and a way to process it and move on...
Like...
I resent that my husband hushed me in a sneering manner because it affects my ______ security, pride, what?
We can't take that sneer back but we can process our response to it, why do we respond that way? What can we change within ourselves, even if we can't change others?
See, for some of us, alcoholism takes that innate and seemingly obvious approach to life's little difficulties away because after years of changing how and what we feel with a drink or a pill... Inventory is one way to get that ability back, maybe not the only, nor even the best way for some.
It's not magic, it's not even that sophisticated or difficult... but it is a solution. And, believe me, it is practical. Way.
If you are serious about using the 12 steps in your recovery... call your sponsor, learn how to do this. You won't regret it.
Inventory and ongoing tenth step are amazingly powerful tools to give us insight on why (and what) we are feeling like we do in a given situation, and a way to process it and move on...
Like...
I resent that my husband hushed me in a sneering manner because it affects my ______ security, pride, what?
We can't take that sneer back but we can process our response to it, why do we respond that way? What can we change within ourselves, even if we can't change others?
See, for some of us, alcoholism takes that innate and seemingly obvious approach to life's little difficulties away because after years of changing how and what we feel with a drink or a pill... Inventory is one way to get that ability back, maybe not the only, nor even the best way for some.
It's not magic, it's not even that sophisticated or difficult... but it is a solution. And, believe me, it is practical. Way.
If you are serious about using the 12 steps in your recovery... call your sponsor, learn how to do this. You won't regret it.
I wasn't trying to sound fecitious by saying AA isn't magic to me. I meant to say I'm not experiencing an instant relief. It's soooo gradual for me.
I understand what you meant re: The steps. As I'm not doing them right now I have no clue. Per my post right above this one I did say something to my sponsor. She's becoming a fast friend of mine and I feel confident that she'll move us along if I ask. She's so kind and we are so alike. We are in the same field (law) which is funny because I thought I was the only one until I began actively meeting people in my mtgs - and found out half the room is in law. LOL.
BTW, I am serious about my sobriety. And that's why I now try to listen to what you all and others say to me instead of instantly rejecting it, which is my past self. Thanks for writing.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Hi Lost...sorry you going through all of this. What I see in your posts is a desire to move beyond "abstinence" and to get yourself spirtually fit and live a different and more inspired life. Kudos to you on that. I found my relief in AA and can tell you most assuredly that the promises deliver.
I understand your frustration in not "feeling it" at this juncture. I personally spent a lot of time on Steps 1 through 3 and they provided a strong foundation for my long-term sobriety. In retrospect, I feel like I spent an eternity on Step 3, but that's what I needed to do.
I won't put words into his mouth, but what I interpreted Mark to be saying was that it is in applying the actions of Step 4 and beyond that seem to give us the true changes we seek when we set out on our journey. We contemplate and prepare for action; then we move in to action. I have every expectation that you too will find it.
Ah, but what to do when we haven't gotten there yet? Life continues on, and its problems don't stop because we are getting sober.
I remember my emotions being all over the place for quite some time and being quite frustrated because I didn't get the instant relief I expected when I put down the bottle. On an intellectual level, I knew it wasn't going to happen that way; but on an emotional level, I was pretty PO'd about it (lol). With the advantage of 20/20 hindsight, it might be safe to say that any spiritual growth that I experienced was preceded by a great deal of angst and discomfort just before it. In my case, I don't think I changed because I saw the light; I changed because I felt the heat. I could be so damn stubborn that only a cattle prod would work on me.
I found the Serenity Prayer so helpful, and to this day, I still do. It got me from here to there as I worked the contemplation/action aspect of the steps.
Your plate does seem a little full at this time, but I do want to thank you for posting. You have done me a great service by doing so
Keep at it; and all my best....
I understand your frustration in not "feeling it" at this juncture. I personally spent a lot of time on Steps 1 through 3 and they provided a strong foundation for my long-term sobriety. In retrospect, I feel like I spent an eternity on Step 3, but that's what I needed to do.
I won't put words into his mouth, but what I interpreted Mark to be saying was that it is in applying the actions of Step 4 and beyond that seem to give us the true changes we seek when we set out on our journey. We contemplate and prepare for action; then we move in to action. I have every expectation that you too will find it.
Ah, but what to do when we haven't gotten there yet? Life continues on, and its problems don't stop because we are getting sober.
I remember my emotions being all over the place for quite some time and being quite frustrated because I didn't get the instant relief I expected when I put down the bottle. On an intellectual level, I knew it wasn't going to happen that way; but on an emotional level, I was pretty PO'd about it (lol). With the advantage of 20/20 hindsight, it might be safe to say that any spiritual growth that I experienced was preceded by a great deal of angst and discomfort just before it. In my case, I don't think I changed because I saw the light; I changed because I felt the heat. I could be so damn stubborn that only a cattle prod would work on me.
I found the Serenity Prayer so helpful, and to this day, I still do. It got me from here to there as I worked the contemplation/action aspect of the steps.
Your plate does seem a little full at this time, but I do want to thank you for posting. You have done me a great service by doing so
Keep at it; and all my best....
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