Chakaido

I decided to separate for a while, yet my ex decided to totally pull the plug and break up after 10+ years of being together. No children involved. In doing so he also made the decision to lose our home in the process. Wow he must have really wanted out! But why do it in that way! I was not horrible.

I brought home the bacon (double his salary). I cooked great meals. I was sexually available and initiated. I was funny, TOTALLY FAITHFUL, affectionate and wanting us to have a full social life. I shared all his hobbies....my whole life was about him. And also the drink. Nobody is perfect right? We didn't have legal issues. We had a great life. Besides the drink. Which wasn't over board but was constant. I know that.

I wonder what I can do to win him back? Even if I'm 'recovered" totally will it matter?

I was the alcoholic in the relationship. Daily drinking 4-5/night (beer or cider), most nights for the 10 years we knew eachother. He ...well his father was an alcoholic.

He never had a drinking problem. But at about 6 years into our relationship he decided to stop drinking. Not a drop. I'm not sure if it was to try to get me to stop or being afraid his drinking would progress.

Throughout the relationship I wanted us to get counselling. He never wanted to. I never knew if it was me- him or my drinking or us that was the issue. But communication was a biggie. He always made me feel that if I'd just stop drinking everything would be ok. When I did on occasion it didn't make a difference. He didn't change how he related to me. So I figured it was less about the drinking and more about our interaction.

He pulled away further and further and we became roommates. I became very resentful and less likely to stop. I gave up hope and felt totally stuck. So I decided to travel abroad for a period (6 months) to get perspective, a great job and we could reconnect. He turned the tables and decided to leave in the end. He won't connect with me at all.

If you were him, what could I say, or do that would inspire you to want to re-establish our relationship in a healthy way?

And if not, how can I move on to be open to love again?

Seren

Hello Chakaido, Welcome to Friends and Family!

Those of us who love someone who struggles with an addiction to alcohol or drugs have been hurt over and over and over again by the very person who claims to love us. However, we chose to stick around and continue to receive the abuse and bad treatment. Right now, your words will mean nothing to your boyfriend. He has been listening to your words for many years and nothing has changed.

I hope that you will continue to work your own recovery program. You deserve a happy and healthy life. Actions, not words, are the important thing at this point. Once you are your happiest and best self, then you have the best chance to be part of a loving relationship!

Take good care of yourself, my best with your continued recovery!
HG

Pelican

The recommendation to a loved one that has been effected by someone else's drinking is:

1) stop listening to their words (the words of the alcoholic) - look at what their actions are saying

2) after a year of solid sobriety with recovery work, see if the relationship is still something that you want to work on

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also a recovering ex-spouse of an active alcoholic.

I'd like to ask you a few questions based on your post. You don't have to answer them here on the forum.

You state you stopped drinking on occasion. How long did you abstain from alcohol? I was able to stop for long periods of time, but the picking back up was always progressive.

During your periods of abstinance, were you still funny, outgoing, affectionate and sexually available? I wasn't so funny or outgoing, but I was very needy sexually. I needed to feel I was still loveable and sex was my tool.

When you were feeling stuck, hopeless and resentful and decided to travel abroad for 6 months; what reaction did you expect from your partner?

changeschoices

From my perspective (I asked my ABF to leave): I felt abandoned by him when we were together and he chose to drink, and I feel abandoned by him now because I gave him the ultimatum (the booze goes or you go) because he chose to drink instead of try to work things out with me. He wants to stay in touch, to be friends, and I would rather shoot off my big toes than have anything more to do with him, because he's still drinking. Not to be harsh, but you felt your BF pulling away, so you decided to take off for six months? That must have hurt him profoundly, even if he officially left you. I'm sure he was hoping and praying you would get sober and be there for him, instead of leave.

If my ex got into recovery and really changed his perspective on what alcohol did to our relationship, maybe I would consider working on things with him. On the other hand, maybe not, after all the hurt he caused me. But for his sake, I would be happy for him if he got sober, regardless.

You can't change your ex's mind with your words, only with your actions. If you want him back, get into recovery. Maybe it will work out for you two then, and maybe it won't. But either way, you will be truly sober and able to be a better partner someday. ((HUGS))

sunny34

I wish I could just say do this and that and he will be back but there is no easy answer. As a spouse of an AH I still haven't got the courage to pull the plug but when I do I will be done and it would take a ton for me to be back. You sound like a great person but maybe the alcohol changes you into someone he doesn't like. Maybe he can't communicate because you drink daily. I do not know this but this is a glimpse in my marriage.

"He always made me feel that if I'd just stop drinking everything would be ok. When I did on occasion it didn't make a difference. He didn't change how he related to me. So I figured it was less about the drinking and more about our interaction."

When you quit on occassion (you don't need to answer here) how was it?
Did you change how you related to him? How long did you quit?
Those were the things in my own relationship that made the diffrence.
In my relationship when he felt he had quit (what my husband saw as quiting was not quiting in my opinion) it was for only a few weeks at a time and things didn't change in the grand scheme of things. My AH perspective on our relationship was never the way it was for me.
He doesn't see himself as a bad person when he drinks but to the kids and I he totally changes to a not so nice person. Sure to his friends he is funny and easy going but it was different how he related to us.
I am not saying your wrong I am saying what he saw was diffrent then what you saw.
Communication is a biggie in our relationship too. The reason is I can't talk to him about important things when he is drinking but yet he drinks every day so there is never a good time.
My point is how he viewed the relationship and how you viewed the relationship are not the same. Doesn't make either one of you wrong it is how it is for each of you.
Then only thing you can do at this point is work on you. Quit drinking and recover for you. He will see the changes and maybe he will come back to you. Maybe there is too much water under the bridge or maybe he is waiting for you to change into the person you used to be when he fell in love with you.
When you left maybe he felt abandoned or maybe he felt you were having the time of your life while he was still there dealing with "life".
Only he knows why he truely left and only he knows what would bring him back.
Once you have quit drinking and have been in recovery for a while it may become clearer to you.

There is a point where nothing you can say will make a difference only actions. Maybe that is what he is waiting for but the only way to make your life better at this point and have a chance with him recovery. I want to add that you must recover for yourself not just him or if things don't work out you will go right back to where you are. I wish you the best in your recovery and I wish I had better answers. (((Hugs to you)))

Freedom1990

Hey Chakaido, I am so glad you found us at SR.

I am a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict (21+ years), and a recovering codependent (once married to an addict/alcoholic, and now have an addict daughter).

For me, I couldn't even begin to address what a healthy relationship was until I addressed my alcoholism/addictions first and foremost.

I had to walk away from my second marriage in order to save myself, both physically and emotionally. He never did find recovery, and was buried at age 47.

Although I had several friends in recovery who tried to steer me in the direction of working on my codependency issues, I dug my feet in hard and refused.

The end result was drinking again after 4 years clean/sober (there were other factors too, but that was the biggest).

I lost myself in every relationship I had for 11 long miserable years after I first got sober in rehab.

It took my ex-fiance walking out on me in '99 to finally hit my codependent bottom in men/relationships.

The hard work has paid off. My life, sans a man, is full and rich. I am a whole person, whereas I used to think I needed a man to "complete" me.

Will love ever come along again? I have no idea what the future holds. I know I will be okay either way. I'm certainly not looking as I prefer to live life to the fullest each day and just see what happens.

A man wasn't the answer to my alcoholism. Seeking to improve my life and remain sober through AA and the twelve steps was my answer.

A man wasn't the answer to my codependency. Seeking to improve my life through Alanon and the twelve steps was. I also read a lot of books including "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Therapy off and on over the years has helped too.

Again, welcome to SR and I hope you continue to post. You are among friends!

m1k3

For me, with my wife, there is nothing she can do to get me back. Nothing. All I want from her is to be left alone and to finish the divorce.

By the time it got to the point that I left, about 1 year ago, it was already too late. If I thought it was fixable I wouldn't have left.

NYCDoglvr

Nothing.

I've been sober two decades and am also co-dependent. What recovery means is accepting life on life's terms. It also means I have to do the hard work of recovery if I want a better life. AA's Big Book says "drinking is but a symptom." It's the diseased thinking that takes a lifetime of work. That and accepting that relationships change, that the other person has a right to choose a life away from met.

Are you in a program? I suggest AA, which saved my life and sanity. Alanon is terrific for dealing with relationships.

Tuffgirl

How do you get him back?

If there is any chance in hell, let him go first.

And go seek your own recovery and be successful at it.

If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. Trust in your HP.

And take good care!
~T

SoaringSpirits

Your former mate had 6 months off from a relationship with an alcoholic and gained his own perspective. He decided that life was kinder when he didn't have to play second fiddle to a bottle.

Talk is cheap. Are you sober now? What ACTIONS have you taken to stop drinking and pursue a recovery program?

choublak

You may never be able to "get him back"...

Let this be a wake-up call for you, that your drinking is a problem that only you can do something about.

Chakaido

The odd thing is that it was almost like HE was the drunk in the relationship! He bopped around between jobs, had no friends, lied/stole, took advantage of me (e.g. traded in my car so he could get his car), wouldn't follow through on promises/actions. He was the one lazing around at night and not wanting to go out and be sociable. It was a very co-dependent relationship from my side as well. Is it possible both could be?

Actually he decided to move out as soon as I decided to take a job overseas. So he made the decision not after 6 months but after me saying I wanted to come here alone. At one point he was going to come with me. I needed space to recover and felt smothered by him and his negativity. Something had to change and it was a job that paid $20K more a year. It was to benefit us both! Then I'd come back. We went to counselling before I left (He finally agreed after 10+ years) and the counsellor supported my decision to go it alone.

I can imagine he might have felt a bit abandoned but I thought it would be good for us. I thought he would see the big picture but couldn't. He was bopping around between jobs that last year and said he'd do something (e.g. finish his Real Estate license) then wouldn't. Meantime, I had the steady job and trying to be the dutiful girlfriend and all. I just had this drinking problem and he hated to see me drink in front of him every night. No I didn't become biligerent but yes, my personality changed. I realized how MISERABLE I was in that relationship.

He was emotionally abusive to me and infact I called the police on him a year or so prior for grabbing at me and threatening me. So he was the abuser not I on many levels. It just got so dysfunctional. He never wanted to have sex and I couldn't imagine having a life without sex again although I thought we'd be and I was committed to being together.

What I don't understand is why he'd ruin our financial situation by deciding to leave? He lost his fathers inheritance because of that decision! And yet I have alot of guilt around that because I decided to separate for 6 months (it was only going to be for 6 months at first). I gave him everything and walked away with nothing. That is how important it was for me to try to make a change.

So I'm working my program here (more seriously lately), and not drinking much. Although I never really did! And realise I was not perfect in the relationship. I was negative towards him at time but not spurred on by drinking, more about his lack of communication, and not wanting to be intimate or plan our future together. And in spite of all this I feel that I STILL LOVE HIM. Is that an addiction as well?

All I could do to have a chance was leave! Maybe he'll see that. I go back home this summer. I do plan on dropping by where I believe he's working. I have no idea how he'll respond. Planning to get in hot shape so he can see what he's missing out on....lol.

MsPINKAcres

may I ask you something?

Do you really love him? Do you really want HIM to be happy? and if you Really want him to be happy ~ then maybe you should let him go. . .

Sometimes, love is about what is healthiest and best ~ even when it hurts ~ maybe in letting him go, you can focus on YOU, on what is needed for your own recovery, and maybe one day if life and healing and your HP brings you back together great, if not, then you will know that you gave the person you love a great gift -

the gift to go with a blessing to find a happy life that everyone deserves. . .

Not always an easy thing to do, but it is part of taking the High Road of love and letting go . . .

Just my thoughts - take what you like and leave the rest. . .

PINK HUGS & prayers for the very best,
Rita

suki44883

Just from what you've posted, I can't imagine why you would want him back. He was abusive, you've had to call the police on him, you were MISERABLE. Yeah, doesn't everyone want a relationship like that?? You deserve better, but until you learn to value yourself, you probably won't get it.

Of course, it's probably a moot point since he has made his decision.

Chakaido

Yes, it wasn't a good relationship at all. But its hard to shake this feeling that I still love him. And of course I remember all the good times.

I left a few times in our relationship and went back to him because I was so afraid of being on my own and single. Now at here I am on own and single but a chance at a life.

suki44883

Many people survive just fine without someone they believe they love. Life goes on. You'll meet other people and you just might meet someone who treats you like a human being.

Chakaido

I needed to hear that Suki. Perhaps I didn't feel I was worth it so hung in there at all costs. I thought I'd share this so people can see it isn't always the alkie creating all the problems in the relationship. Sometimes it makes sense for them to move on.

Maybe I don't want him back? I go back and forth, but I'm sure it'll get clearer very soon.

choublak

It's a team effort.

onajourney

anvil great words, an analogy that sums up 14 years of my life, i let go when i was done and felt had the support around me to do it. can see myself there hanging and am glad i am here, landed safely.
fear is a powerful emotion and the unknown too, i have survived and am looking forward, learning now that i am worth putting me and DD first!

changeschoices

Your relationship sounds like it has had its less-than-ideal moments. But it's hard to separate out relationship problems from alcoholic problems. Alcoholics tend to be not very honest about their role in relationship problems, and living with an alcoholic could make Donald Trump unmotivated and depressed. I feel like a shadow of my former self after only two years with an alcoholic.

You are not in recovery. You are still drinking. If you think that the relationship is worth saving, contact him after you've had six months sober. If you don't want to stop drinking, let the relationship go. It's the kindest thing you could do for him, just as no longer tolerating your drinking was the kindest thing he could do for you.