My mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
My mom
I originally posted this on the ACOA forum but I just thought I would post it here too since many of you already know who I am and I very much appreciate all the support and encouragement you guys have offered to me before.....
Where do I start? I'm going to try to make this as short as possible.
My mom has been an addict my whole life. She went from alcohol to pills to Meth and well, now she just uses whatever she can get her hands on. I though she had hit her rock bottom just recently. She was broke, couldn't pay her bills, her house burnt down, no family around to rescue her anymore. So, she said she wanted to be done with the drugs and that lifestyle. She said she wanted help, she wanted rehab. My older sister offered to take her in and help her get into treatment. I really thought this was going to work but of course, as it turns out it's not working so well. She's pretty much given up on the idea of treatment. She's not taking getting into recovery serious at all. I've come to the conclusion that when she agreed to go live with my sister, she thought it was going to be a free ride for her and that she wasn't going to have to seek out treatment. She's been acting like a teenager, saying that she's bored sitting in my sisters house all day, saying that she wants to go out to the bars and clubs. I try to tell her that she needs to fill her time with meetings and her outpatient until she can get into an inpatient rehab but she doesn't want to hear it.
She is in the hospital right now cause of her COPD but I don't believe that that's the only reason she went to the hospital. She also went to get a quick fix of some meds, she is known for doing that. I just spoke to her not too long ago and of course she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. I know my words of concern are just falling on deaf ears. This addiction has such a strong grip on her and it's not going to let go.
My mother is not ready to get help. She doesn't want to stop. She blames everybody but her herself for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. She takes no responsibility for anything. As far as she's concerned she's just fine. But the reason I am posting is because I am coming to the realization that if my mother chooses not to get help, she is going to die. This addiction is going to take her under and there's nothing me or my family can do about that. We tried and tried and nothing has worked cause she doesn't want it, she doesn't want recovery, and I am having a very hard time accepting that. It's breaking my heart knowing that I need to let go and let god take care of her. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through but I know I need to detach myself cause I can't watch her kill herself anymore. It's too much and it's destroying me inside. I'm just needing some support and words of encouragement. I really don't know how to handle this....
Where do I start? I'm going to try to make this as short as possible.
My mom has been an addict my whole life. She went from alcohol to pills to Meth and well, now she just uses whatever she can get her hands on. I though she had hit her rock bottom just recently. She was broke, couldn't pay her bills, her house burnt down, no family around to rescue her anymore. So, she said she wanted to be done with the drugs and that lifestyle. She said she wanted help, she wanted rehab. My older sister offered to take her in and help her get into treatment. I really thought this was going to work but of course, as it turns out it's not working so well. She's pretty much given up on the idea of treatment. She's not taking getting into recovery serious at all. I've come to the conclusion that when she agreed to go live with my sister, she thought it was going to be a free ride for her and that she wasn't going to have to seek out treatment. She's been acting like a teenager, saying that she's bored sitting in my sisters house all day, saying that she wants to go out to the bars and clubs. I try to tell her that she needs to fill her time with meetings and her outpatient until she can get into an inpatient rehab but she doesn't want to hear it.
She is in the hospital right now cause of her COPD but I don't believe that that's the only reason she went to the hospital. She also went to get a quick fix of some meds, she is known for doing that. I just spoke to her not too long ago and of course she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. I know my words of concern are just falling on deaf ears. This addiction has such a strong grip on her and it's not going to let go.
My mother is not ready to get help. She doesn't want to stop. She blames everybody but her herself for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. She takes no responsibility for anything. As far as she's concerned she's just fine. But the reason I am posting is because I am coming to the realization that if my mother chooses not to get help, she is going to die. This addiction is going to take her under and there's nothing me or my family can do about that. We tried and tried and nothing has worked cause she doesn't want it, she doesn't want recovery, and I am having a very hard time accepting that. It's breaking my heart knowing that I need to let go and let god take care of her. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through but I know I need to detach myself cause I can't watch her kill herself anymore. It's too much and it's destroying me inside. I'm just needing some support and words of encouragement. I really don't know how to handle this....
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Posts: 452
(((Krystal))))
May God give you comfort, guidance, wisdom, and courage. I can't imagine anything being more difficult than living as the child of an addict and watching the one who should be guiding you..needing the guidance.
I wish I had some magic words for you. You sound like such a wise, caring person. How old are you? I hope you have found support in a group as well as online. You are right. If she chooses not to get help, detachment will be necessary for your well-being.
You aren't alone. Even if we can't fix it, we do care and support you in your journey. Just want to say please keep coming back, reading the posts at the top of the forum, and vent all you want. I will say a special prayer for you and your mom tonight.
May God give you comfort, guidance, wisdom, and courage. I can't imagine anything being more difficult than living as the child of an addict and watching the one who should be guiding you..needing the guidance.
I wish I had some magic words for you. You sound like such a wise, caring person. How old are you? I hope you have found support in a group as well as online. You are right. If she chooses not to get help, detachment will be necessary for your well-being.
You aren't alone. Even if we can't fix it, we do care and support you in your journey. Just want to say please keep coming back, reading the posts at the top of the forum, and vent all you want. I will say a special prayer for you and your mom tonight.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Thank you so much washbe, your words really touched my heart 
It has been hard not having her around to guide me but luckily I had a fantastic aunt and uncle who was there for me and took over raising me when I was 12. I'm 28 now.
I did just start attending alanon but I've only been once. I'm definitely going again this Friday, I need it badly. I just wish I could get this knot out of my stomach. I cry cause it hurts so much but at the same time I feel so angry with her. Very conflicting feelings
I also feel bad for my sister. She works full time and she has her 2 kids to take care of. She had plenty of demons she had to battle in her past and she has worked so hard to get to where she is now and she reached out to our mom as a last attempt to help her and it's just stressed her out beyond belief. She moved our mom from NV to CA and she's going to have to make the tough decision to send her back to NV and then it's in gods hands from there.
It has been hard not having her around to guide me but luckily I had a fantastic aunt and uncle who was there for me and took over raising me when I was 12. I'm 28 now. I did just start attending alanon but I've only been once. I'm definitely going again this Friday, I need it badly. I just wish I could get this knot out of my stomach. I cry cause it hurts so much but at the same time I feel so angry with her. Very conflicting feelings
I also feel bad for my sister. She works full time and she has her 2 kids to take care of. She had plenty of demons she had to battle in her past and she has worked so hard to get to where she is now and she reached out to our mom as a last attempt to help her and it's just stressed her out beyond belief. She moved our mom from NV to CA and she's going to have to make the tough decision to send her back to NV and then it's in gods hands from there.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Krystal
I'm so sorry. It's so hard to watch someone you love spiral downwards. It's frightening and heartbreaking to witness.
I am working with a therapist to help me cope as I grieve for my son. He's still alive. But I can't have a relationship with him because he has become so toxic and angry, untrustworthy and unpredictable. How the heck do you grieve for the loss of someone who is still living.....I don't know. She (my therapist) made the comparison to dementia or alzheimers. The person is still alive but you lose them slowly. Drugs change our loved ones into someone we no longer know. It's very difficult.
Letting go is hard but for me.....it is what I have had to do. It doesn't change my love for my son. That is still as strong as ever.....it has become a matter of self preservation.
Love your mother.....but love yourself too. Letting go and letting God allows us to embrace our own lives. We can do it for ourselves and for them. If we don't, there are two lives lost to addiction.
You and your dear mother will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm so sorry. It's so hard to watch someone you love spiral downwards. It's frightening and heartbreaking to witness.
I am working with a therapist to help me cope as I grieve for my son. He's still alive. But I can't have a relationship with him because he has become so toxic and angry, untrustworthy and unpredictable. How the heck do you grieve for the loss of someone who is still living.....I don't know. She (my therapist) made the comparison to dementia or alzheimers. The person is still alive but you lose them slowly. Drugs change our loved ones into someone we no longer know. It's very difficult.
Letting go is hard but for me.....it is what I have had to do. It doesn't change my love for my son. That is still as strong as ever.....it has become a matter of self preservation.
Love your mother.....but love yourself too. Letting go and letting God allows us to embrace our own lives. We can do it for ourselves and for them. If we don't, there are two lives lost to addiction.
You and your dear mother will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Kindeyes- Wow, that comparison your therapist made makes a lot of sense. I would've never thought to look at it that way. That actually helps put me a little more at ease, thank you for that.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I just called my son to say goodnight. I got "I'm really hungry can't you do anything to help me out". He knows I CAN do something, he knows saying those words "I'm hungry" will kill me. But my response was, "I'm sorry, honey, but I can't help you out. The salvation army serves their next meal at X:o'clock. I suggest you walk there if you're hungry. Love you baby. Goodnight"
I've told him that if he wants to call to see how I am, say hi, etc. I'm there for him and always will be. If he wants a western union.... Better look somewhere else. Does it hurt? HELL YES. Do I know I'm doing the best I can possibly do for him by making him stand on his own two feet? Most definitely.
Let your mom find her way. You are not responsible for her and that she is making you feel like you (or your sister) are is irresponsible for her is abusive. Take care of YOU. That is the only person you are responsible for.
I've told him that if he wants to call to see how I am, say hi, etc. I'm there for him and always will be. If he wants a western union.... Better look somewhere else. Does it hurt? HELL YES. Do I know I'm doing the best I can possibly do for him by making him stand on his own two feet? Most definitely.
Let your mom find her way. You are not responsible for her and that she is making you feel like you (or your sister) are is irresponsible for her is abusive. Take care of YOU. That is the only person you are responsible for.
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