Be part of the solution
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 46
Be part of the solution
I came across this on the Getting Past your Past blog by Susan Elliot and wanted to share.
It was definitely an eye opener to me.
Yesterday I mentioned to someone that so long as you accept unacceptable behavior from someone you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. You are part of the problem of your own life and contributing to the bad behavior of the world at large (yes, the world at large, we all need to look up from our navels once in a while and see the world is out there and we are responsible for some of what goes on in it).
And the problem is people who believe they can behave any way they like, do anything they like, treat others like crap and bounce from person to person. I said it in the context of women and men, but I have several male clients and many of their female ex’s are crazy people and they stay attached mostly for looks or jealousy that someone else might get to enjoy this crazy arm candy (oh, yeah, he won the prize!) I also have gay and lesbian clients and I can tell you that crazy relationships are not just confined to the hetero world. I have clients who are in their early 20s who have been pulled around for a few years (yes, years at their young age) and older clients who have been pulled around for years and years and years. Raised children while putting up with a badly behaving spouse (and I don’t care what anyone says, children are better off in a one-parent healthy house than a two-person crazy house).
It’s not just this atrocious behavior (though that is terrible and terrible for anyone to sanction it), but rude behavior. This whole breaking up by text (or having any important conversations by text), controlling behavior, jealousy, taking money, using someone or just being unable to commit to either being in a relationship or being out of a relationship. Accepting rude and stupid behavior from people be it someone being late or interrupting you when you talk or looking at a cell phone during dinner etc etc just because you are afraid that if you have a boundary or say something, this rude ass person will leave. Well goodbye to bad rubbish.
You can choose to be a part of decent, polite society at any time. And it starts by not accepting indecent, impolite behavior from others. And that means the slightest bit of rude behavior (cell phones at the dinner table) to egregious behavior (showing up very late or not at all). And everything in between. Grow a backbone (not just in relationships, but with all of the people in your life) and learn to say THIS IS NOT OKAY. If you have children, learn to be a role model by saying “This is not okay.” (especially to them) and modeling healthy behavior. If you think they’re not watching you, you’re in denial. Children live what they learn. What are you teaching?
As far as the crazier behavior, the completely sociopathic or abusive or unfaithful, it is time to dismiss and eradicate that person from your life. If someone is being unfaithful, KEEP WALKING. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. You can like someone, even love someone who is involved or married but don’t make a move or let him or her make a move on you. Feelings are not facts and do not have to be acted upon. “But I love (him/her)…” SO WHAT? That doesn’t mean you have to be with him/her especially if they are still with someone else.
Keep that boundary IN PLACE NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what your FEELINGS are, getting involved with someone who is already involved IS WRONG. And it will come back to haunt you. What they do with you, they’ll do to you. Avoid that particular nonsense. It’s stupid and there are never any winner except the psychopath who is dangling a bunch of people at the same time. One will never be good enough for him or her. So don’t think you’re special enough to settle down for.
You can choose to get off the merry-go-round at any time. Once you realize, “My goodness, it is NOT okay to be treated like this!” it is time to stop it in its tracks once and for all.
I was someone who put up with bad behavior until I was 30. At that point I had had enough but I was confused.
I know why I behaved as I behaved. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I had a horrible and dysfunctional past that set me up to be attracted to losers, liars, abusers and later commitmentphobes.
But came the day I had a therapist who said to me, “No one has the right to put their hands on someone else. Not ever. Not for any reason.” Which was a completely foreign concept to me since people had been telling me, my whole life, what I had done to deserve that smack, that punch, that twisting of my hair, that beating with a broom. Honestly, I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
Once I knew it was time to stop it. It was time to remove the victim. It was time to say “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.” I got out because I cared what kind of example I set for my kids. I had 3 boys and did not want them to think it was okay to call a woman names, hit her, cheat on her or stop talking to her for months. These are things their father did to me. And by staying I was co-signing this ******** and parading around with a sign, “It’s okay for men to treat women like this!” But I left. I left with no job, no money and no place to live. I left for my kids’ sake and for the sake of women who would cross their path. And today I am so proud of the way my adult sons treat women. And I know I was part of the solution. I was part of breaking the cycle of abuse that has been part of my family’s history (both biological and adoptive) for generations. And now my grandchildren reap the rewards of that one action of mine. The action that said “ENOUGH.” So if you think it’s just about YOU, think again.
Yes, I didn’t know that I didn’t know. NO, I was NOT responsible for others’ bad behavior (they were). But I was responsible for putting up with things I should not have been putting up with.
You get what you put up with and I was putting up with a lot. Why? A variety of things. First, I didn’t know any better. Second, once I learned better I wasn’t sure what to do. Third, I had some magical thinking that things were going to change. Fourth, I was so caught up in the drama and the chaos that I never had to look at myself and the pain I was in since I was very young. I didn’t have to look at my life which was working like crap. I didn’t have to look at the hopes and dreams I gave up for whatever reason…be it my parents’ issues (moving me around, not supporting my plans to go to school) or my partners’ issues (promises I could go to school and then behaving badly when I did), the economy (which was trash when I graduated high school) or whatever.
There were a whole host of things I could have blamed for what had happened to me and why I was so unhappy…but the bottom line was ONLY I COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW. No one else could or would change it for me. No matter how much I thought that if only my husband would come back home and live in the dream house we recently bought and be with me and my kids, and live happily ever after, it wasn’t going to happen. Holding onto that dream was just a bunch of nonsense and it kept me from doing the things I needed to do….focus on me and heal what was broken.
And it started with looking at things that were fairly unpleasant to look at. My life. My pain. My self-image. My accepting of unacceptable behavior. My martyrdom. My complicity in my own misery. My wha wha wha’ing. I stopped expecting people who were complete assholes to me in the past “to change” and to figure out that he really loved me and I was the best thing since the folded napkin. Someone should know that straight up, and if they don’t or they forget, too bad, so sad for them: GOODBYE.
No one is ever motivated to change because someone they treated badly is no longer in their life. They have no reason to change. Their crazy way is working for them. No pain. Just tra-la-laing through life treating people badly. Do you think he or she is going to have an ephiphany?
Think again.
Think about how hard it is for you to have the ephiphany that you so desperately need and make the changes you desperately need to make. Think about how hard it is for YOU. And YOU were HURT. You were run over by a train. You were put through the meat grinder. YOU were VERY VERY HURT. And yet YOU’RE having trouble having an ephiphany. You’re having trouble changing. So, based on that bit of knowledge, answer me this: what impetus would this person who DIDN’T get hurt have? NONE. ABSOLUTELY NONE. So STOP waiting for it. IT IS NOT COMING! NOT NOW. NOT EVER. Stop waiting for something that is not happening. Life is short. MOVE ON.
You cannot become part of the solution of your life so long as you are part of the problem. So long as you are accepting and excusing unacceptable and inexcusable behavior, you are part of the problem.
Have you slept with the ex who cheated on you? You are part of the problem.
Have you responded to some random text with thought and feeling? You are part of the problem.
Have you forgiven lateness, rudeness, drunkenness? You are part of the problem.
Have you broken NC over and over again? You are part of the problem.
Have you wailed, “I don’t know what is WRONG with me?!?!?!” and then continued to do the thing you think is wrong with you? You are part of the problem.
Have you allowed your heart to rule your head? You are part of the problem.
Do you excuse people because bad things happened to them? You are part of the problem. (many of us have had bad things happen to us and we don’t go around treating people like ****).
Have you said “oh poor him/her” while he or she is acting like an ass? Not only are you part of the problem but losers, users and abusers DEPEND on fools like you. Someone will fall for my sob story. The worst (WORST) are those who think that by feeling sorry for someone and showering them with affection (money, gifts, etc) they will be appreciated because, after all, this person has had it so bad, they will love me. You can’t bribe anyone to love you and you can’t excuse someone’s garbage behavior because stuff happened to them. If you do, you are part of the problem.
When we fail to demand basic decent respect from people, we not only tell them that it’s okay to treat US that way but it’s okay for them to be that way. So long as there are idiots in this world putting up with ******** from egotistical, rude, crazy bananaheads, the world will continue to devolve. Do you think the idiots are going to figure it out on their own? No. They are not. You have to REMOVE THE VICTIM.
I walked out of a marriage with no job, no money and 3 little kids. It might have been a bit reckless at the time but if I didn’t rip the bandaid off, it wasn’t coming off. I had to do it in one bold “Look at me blow up my life! My ****** ****** life!” move and forget what anyone else thought of it and all the whining and wailing and gnashing of teeth and blaming and ******** that came from all corners of the earth over my drastic move and just DO IT. Yes, I played in the **** sandbox with my ex for a long time after that, and took 3 steps forward and one step back. Yes, I gave up rights and money and a whole host of things a stronger me wouldn’t have given up, but I won my freedom and the ability to learn to be a healthy parent and raise healthy and happy children. And nothing trumps that. NOTHING.
When we allow others to treat us anyway they like we send the message: I am not worth basic human decency. I am lower than low. I do not matter. I do not have any self-worth. I do not respect myself and you should not either. I get what I put up with and what I put up with is nothing short of despicable behavior from terrible human beings. So keep kicking me in the head. I like it. I enjoy it. I deserve no better. Your ACTIONS and your accepting of unacceptable behavior says all this. Aren’t you glad this is the message you are sending? Aren’t you glad this is how you are spending your one precious life?
Recently, I counseled a woman who was the “other woman” in a relationship. I asked her if she had a problem being with another woman’s husband and she said if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. If that isn’t the biggest bunch of ******** rationalization in the world, I don’t know what is. If everyone in the world held themselves to the standard, “I will not be involved with anyone currently in a relationship.” then cheating would just disappear. Do you think you can’t make a difference? Well if you think that, you can’t. If you have standards and values and let others know what they are, they will feel okay with having the same ones. And then someone else and someone else and someone else.
I have counseled women who take their cheating husbands back. Knowing he was with someone else. Knowing he trashed their marriage vows. Under some guise of wanting the family intact for the children, they give themselves up and do it and then he cheats again. Why are there husbands who cheat multiple times? Because there are wives who forgive them multiple times. There are women who want the marriage back more than the self-respect and the pride it takes to say NO MORE. To say “I am your wife. I deserve to be treated as a precious part of your life. Loved and cherished. Not cheated on and not coming in second for any moment of this marriage.” And walk out. That is what you need to say and stop being stupid and stop excusing inexcusable behavior.
I have counseled men, women, straight, gay, young, old who are all rationalizing and justifying their complicity in someone else’s bad behavior. I have listened as people told me why. And it’s all ********.
If you’re allowing any of this, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution.
To be part of the solution is to say NO MORE, to deal with your loneliness and pain ON YOUR OWN, to solve your past issues that led you down this path, to DECIDE you have had enough, to work DILIGENTLY on your self-esteem and self-respect and stop allowing the bananaheads of this world to have free reign in your life.
Look in the mirror. Have some self-respect. Become part of the solution in your life.
Start today.
It was definitely an eye opener to me.
Yesterday I mentioned to someone that so long as you accept unacceptable behavior from someone you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. You are part of the problem of your own life and contributing to the bad behavior of the world at large (yes, the world at large, we all need to look up from our navels once in a while and see the world is out there and we are responsible for some of what goes on in it).
And the problem is people who believe they can behave any way they like, do anything they like, treat others like crap and bounce from person to person. I said it in the context of women and men, but I have several male clients and many of their female ex’s are crazy people and they stay attached mostly for looks or jealousy that someone else might get to enjoy this crazy arm candy (oh, yeah, he won the prize!) I also have gay and lesbian clients and I can tell you that crazy relationships are not just confined to the hetero world. I have clients who are in their early 20s who have been pulled around for a few years (yes, years at their young age) and older clients who have been pulled around for years and years and years. Raised children while putting up with a badly behaving spouse (and I don’t care what anyone says, children are better off in a one-parent healthy house than a two-person crazy house).
It’s not just this atrocious behavior (though that is terrible and terrible for anyone to sanction it), but rude behavior. This whole breaking up by text (or having any important conversations by text), controlling behavior, jealousy, taking money, using someone or just being unable to commit to either being in a relationship or being out of a relationship. Accepting rude and stupid behavior from people be it someone being late or interrupting you when you talk or looking at a cell phone during dinner etc etc just because you are afraid that if you have a boundary or say something, this rude ass person will leave. Well goodbye to bad rubbish.
You can choose to be a part of decent, polite society at any time. And it starts by not accepting indecent, impolite behavior from others. And that means the slightest bit of rude behavior (cell phones at the dinner table) to egregious behavior (showing up very late or not at all). And everything in between. Grow a backbone (not just in relationships, but with all of the people in your life) and learn to say THIS IS NOT OKAY. If you have children, learn to be a role model by saying “This is not okay.” (especially to them) and modeling healthy behavior. If you think they’re not watching you, you’re in denial. Children live what they learn. What are you teaching?
As far as the crazier behavior, the completely sociopathic or abusive or unfaithful, it is time to dismiss and eradicate that person from your life. If someone is being unfaithful, KEEP WALKING. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. You can like someone, even love someone who is involved or married but don’t make a move or let him or her make a move on you. Feelings are not facts and do not have to be acted upon. “But I love (him/her)…” SO WHAT? That doesn’t mean you have to be with him/her especially if they are still with someone else.
Keep that boundary IN PLACE NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what your FEELINGS are, getting involved with someone who is already involved IS WRONG. And it will come back to haunt you. What they do with you, they’ll do to you. Avoid that particular nonsense. It’s stupid and there are never any winner except the psychopath who is dangling a bunch of people at the same time. One will never be good enough for him or her. So don’t think you’re special enough to settle down for.
You can choose to get off the merry-go-round at any time. Once you realize, “My goodness, it is NOT okay to be treated like this!” it is time to stop it in its tracks once and for all.
I was someone who put up with bad behavior until I was 30. At that point I had had enough but I was confused.
I know why I behaved as I behaved. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I had a horrible and dysfunctional past that set me up to be attracted to losers, liars, abusers and later commitmentphobes.
But came the day I had a therapist who said to me, “No one has the right to put their hands on someone else. Not ever. Not for any reason.” Which was a completely foreign concept to me since people had been telling me, my whole life, what I had done to deserve that smack, that punch, that twisting of my hair, that beating with a broom. Honestly, I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
Once I knew it was time to stop it. It was time to remove the victim. It was time to say “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.” I got out because I cared what kind of example I set for my kids. I had 3 boys and did not want them to think it was okay to call a woman names, hit her, cheat on her or stop talking to her for months. These are things their father did to me. And by staying I was co-signing this ******** and parading around with a sign, “It’s okay for men to treat women like this!” But I left. I left with no job, no money and no place to live. I left for my kids’ sake and for the sake of women who would cross their path. And today I am so proud of the way my adult sons treat women. And I know I was part of the solution. I was part of breaking the cycle of abuse that has been part of my family’s history (both biological and adoptive) for generations. And now my grandchildren reap the rewards of that one action of mine. The action that said “ENOUGH.” So if you think it’s just about YOU, think again.
Yes, I didn’t know that I didn’t know. NO, I was NOT responsible for others’ bad behavior (they were). But I was responsible for putting up with things I should not have been putting up with.
You get what you put up with and I was putting up with a lot. Why? A variety of things. First, I didn’t know any better. Second, once I learned better I wasn’t sure what to do. Third, I had some magical thinking that things were going to change. Fourth, I was so caught up in the drama and the chaos that I never had to look at myself and the pain I was in since I was very young. I didn’t have to look at my life which was working like crap. I didn’t have to look at the hopes and dreams I gave up for whatever reason…be it my parents’ issues (moving me around, not supporting my plans to go to school) or my partners’ issues (promises I could go to school and then behaving badly when I did), the economy (which was trash when I graduated high school) or whatever.
There were a whole host of things I could have blamed for what had happened to me and why I was so unhappy…but the bottom line was ONLY I COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW. No one else could or would change it for me. No matter how much I thought that if only my husband would come back home and live in the dream house we recently bought and be with me and my kids, and live happily ever after, it wasn’t going to happen. Holding onto that dream was just a bunch of nonsense and it kept me from doing the things I needed to do….focus on me and heal what was broken.
And it started with looking at things that were fairly unpleasant to look at. My life. My pain. My self-image. My accepting of unacceptable behavior. My martyrdom. My complicity in my own misery. My wha wha wha’ing. I stopped expecting people who were complete assholes to me in the past “to change” and to figure out that he really loved me and I was the best thing since the folded napkin. Someone should know that straight up, and if they don’t or they forget, too bad, so sad for them: GOODBYE.
No one is ever motivated to change because someone they treated badly is no longer in their life. They have no reason to change. Their crazy way is working for them. No pain. Just tra-la-laing through life treating people badly. Do you think he or she is going to have an ephiphany?
Think again.
Think about how hard it is for you to have the ephiphany that you so desperately need and make the changes you desperately need to make. Think about how hard it is for YOU. And YOU were HURT. You were run over by a train. You were put through the meat grinder. YOU were VERY VERY HURT. And yet YOU’RE having trouble having an ephiphany. You’re having trouble changing. So, based on that bit of knowledge, answer me this: what impetus would this person who DIDN’T get hurt have? NONE. ABSOLUTELY NONE. So STOP waiting for it. IT IS NOT COMING! NOT NOW. NOT EVER. Stop waiting for something that is not happening. Life is short. MOVE ON.
You cannot become part of the solution of your life so long as you are part of the problem. So long as you are accepting and excusing unacceptable and inexcusable behavior, you are part of the problem.
Have you slept with the ex who cheated on you? You are part of the problem.
Have you responded to some random text with thought and feeling? You are part of the problem.
Have you forgiven lateness, rudeness, drunkenness? You are part of the problem.
Have you broken NC over and over again? You are part of the problem.
Have you wailed, “I don’t know what is WRONG with me?!?!?!” and then continued to do the thing you think is wrong with you? You are part of the problem.
Have you allowed your heart to rule your head? You are part of the problem.
Do you excuse people because bad things happened to them? You are part of the problem. (many of us have had bad things happen to us and we don’t go around treating people like ****).
Have you said “oh poor him/her” while he or she is acting like an ass? Not only are you part of the problem but losers, users and abusers DEPEND on fools like you. Someone will fall for my sob story. The worst (WORST) are those who think that by feeling sorry for someone and showering them with affection (money, gifts, etc) they will be appreciated because, after all, this person has had it so bad, they will love me. You can’t bribe anyone to love you and you can’t excuse someone’s garbage behavior because stuff happened to them. If you do, you are part of the problem.
When we fail to demand basic decent respect from people, we not only tell them that it’s okay to treat US that way but it’s okay for them to be that way. So long as there are idiots in this world putting up with ******** from egotistical, rude, crazy bananaheads, the world will continue to devolve. Do you think the idiots are going to figure it out on their own? No. They are not. You have to REMOVE THE VICTIM.
I walked out of a marriage with no job, no money and 3 little kids. It might have been a bit reckless at the time but if I didn’t rip the bandaid off, it wasn’t coming off. I had to do it in one bold “Look at me blow up my life! My ****** ****** life!” move and forget what anyone else thought of it and all the whining and wailing and gnashing of teeth and blaming and ******** that came from all corners of the earth over my drastic move and just DO IT. Yes, I played in the **** sandbox with my ex for a long time after that, and took 3 steps forward and one step back. Yes, I gave up rights and money and a whole host of things a stronger me wouldn’t have given up, but I won my freedom and the ability to learn to be a healthy parent and raise healthy and happy children. And nothing trumps that. NOTHING.
When we allow others to treat us anyway they like we send the message: I am not worth basic human decency. I am lower than low. I do not matter. I do not have any self-worth. I do not respect myself and you should not either. I get what I put up with and what I put up with is nothing short of despicable behavior from terrible human beings. So keep kicking me in the head. I like it. I enjoy it. I deserve no better. Your ACTIONS and your accepting of unacceptable behavior says all this. Aren’t you glad this is the message you are sending? Aren’t you glad this is how you are spending your one precious life?
Recently, I counseled a woman who was the “other woman” in a relationship. I asked her if she had a problem being with another woman’s husband and she said if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. If that isn’t the biggest bunch of ******** rationalization in the world, I don’t know what is. If everyone in the world held themselves to the standard, “I will not be involved with anyone currently in a relationship.” then cheating would just disappear. Do you think you can’t make a difference? Well if you think that, you can’t. If you have standards and values and let others know what they are, they will feel okay with having the same ones. And then someone else and someone else and someone else.
I have counseled women who take their cheating husbands back. Knowing he was with someone else. Knowing he trashed their marriage vows. Under some guise of wanting the family intact for the children, they give themselves up and do it and then he cheats again. Why are there husbands who cheat multiple times? Because there are wives who forgive them multiple times. There are women who want the marriage back more than the self-respect and the pride it takes to say NO MORE. To say “I am your wife. I deserve to be treated as a precious part of your life. Loved and cherished. Not cheated on and not coming in second for any moment of this marriage.” And walk out. That is what you need to say and stop being stupid and stop excusing inexcusable behavior.
I have counseled men, women, straight, gay, young, old who are all rationalizing and justifying their complicity in someone else’s bad behavior. I have listened as people told me why. And it’s all ********.
If you’re allowing any of this, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution.
To be part of the solution is to say NO MORE, to deal with your loneliness and pain ON YOUR OWN, to solve your past issues that led you down this path, to DECIDE you have had enough, to work DILIGENTLY on your self-esteem and self-respect and stop allowing the bananaheads of this world to have free reign in your life.
Look in the mirror. Have some self-respect. Become part of the solution in your life.
Start today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11
Wow . . . so true, so very very true. "Be the change you want to see in the world". I have applied it to so many areas of my life, but not my martyrdom with my XAF. I only hope my daughter will be stronger than I have been
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
what impetus would this person who DIDN’T get hurt have? NONE. ABSOLUTELY NONE. So STOP waiting for it. IT IS NOT COMING! NOT NOW. NOT EVER. Stop waiting for something that is not happening. Life is short. MOVE ON.
Wow...just wow.
Wow...just wow.
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