83 days sober and recalibrating life, myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
83 days sober and recalibrating life, myself
Hi all,
I have been tuning in occassionally here for strength and perspective for the last 6 months and have been so impressed with all the caring and honesty. I just registered and this is my first post. It has been a bit over two months now since I've had a drink, and I hope I am past the point of riptide drinking (being pulled back into drinking by fresh thoughts of shame of what I had just done or said while drinking the previous time or day.
That shame impetus has diminished but not gone completely. and of course there are other dangers. One for me for example was starting to forget even after this short time how awful things were while drinking as heavily as I had been. I decided to register and post because I don't have a community of friends around me at all. I worry about that after reading and thinking about how important that is in recovering. What tipped the scales was reading a thread here last night about hiding alcohol. That made me relive pain and get more scared again. It reminded me I can't go back there.
I have a wife who has endured me and is still with me, and we have twins coming in a few months, so I have to keep my head together. I have gone this far by just willing myself to not think of drinking or how pathetic I have been, but I think there is probably some danger there of not reminding myself about the bad times. There were many. I have tried to laregly just drive all those thoughts out of mind. I thought that joining in the conversation might help me in that regard. Remembering cautiously but not submerging myself in the shame of the past. and perhaps I can offer some bits may help to others.
thanks for this chance to say hello.
I have been tuning in occassionally here for strength and perspective for the last 6 months and have been so impressed with all the caring and honesty. I just registered and this is my first post. It has been a bit over two months now since I've had a drink, and I hope I am past the point of riptide drinking (being pulled back into drinking by fresh thoughts of shame of what I had just done or said while drinking the previous time or day.
That shame impetus has diminished but not gone completely. and of course there are other dangers. One for me for example was starting to forget even after this short time how awful things were while drinking as heavily as I had been. I decided to register and post because I don't have a community of friends around me at all. I worry about that after reading and thinking about how important that is in recovering. What tipped the scales was reading a thread here last night about hiding alcohol. That made me relive pain and get more scared again. It reminded me I can't go back there.
I have a wife who has endured me and is still with me, and we have twins coming in a few months, so I have to keep my head together. I have gone this far by just willing myself to not think of drinking or how pathetic I have been, but I think there is probably some danger there of not reminding myself about the bad times. There were many. I have tried to laregly just drive all those thoughts out of mind. I thought that joining in the conversation might help me in that regard. Remembering cautiously but not submerging myself in the shame of the past. and perhaps I can offer some bits may help to others.
thanks for this chance to say hello.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Hello and welcome, Wayne. This is a great place for fellowship, support, inspiration, advice and evenhave venting when you need it! Since you don't have a strong support group where you are have you considered looking into AA? Nothing beats actually getting out there and meeting with other alcoholics in various stages of recovery. It really helps to walk the path of recovery with others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
Thank you very much for the quick welcome! Just that is so nice.
Earlier, I did try a couple meetings, not of AA, but of another recovery group. I am not sure if it was because my nerves were so jangled at that point or what, but it was overwhelming and a bit despairing to me. It might have been that there weren't really any people (or at least vocal ones) there who had made it through. It was good to find the fellowship though. I am hoping that the fellowship here would sustain me. I guess I am still thinking about everything
thanks for the suggestion.
Earlier, I did try a couple meetings, not of AA, but of another recovery group. I am not sure if it was because my nerves were so jangled at that point or what, but it was overwhelming and a bit despairing to me. It might have been that there weren't really any people (or at least vocal ones) there who had made it through. It was good to find the fellowship though. I am hoping that the fellowship here would sustain me. I guess I am still thinking about everything
thanks for the suggestion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by BillyPilgrim 
Welcome Wayne,
84 days is good, you have as much as I do.
Life is better isnt it
SR reminds me why I do this
Billy
84 days is good, you have as much as I do.
Life is better isnt it
SR reminds me why I do this
Billy
However, I had a setback on Monday. I received some news that made me believe that my job was in jeapordy. I broke my good streak and drank that day out of anxiety. The news turned out to not be true, which is good, but the regret of breaking such a good streak felt bad. And made my wife scared and angry. However, I have just sort of shaken it off better and more quickly than I thought I would have. Thankfully, my wife has too. I think it is because both of us know that me wallowing in regret makes bad things happen. I told her, and believe myself, that that slip was a moment away from who I really am. Someone, I think it was Dee, suggested to not have an inner dialouge going in your head, and I think that has helped me not do a total relapse. I am not contemplating in my head this time, asking "which person is this in charge," I am just telling myself that the in-control me is in charge, and that that was just a moment, one mistake. not me.
That is what I'm thinking is the best way for me, anyway, and it seems OK so far as I don't have the severe anxiety I have had before when worrying about my ability to maintain. I want to stay where life is better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hey Wayne, nice to meet you! 
Like BillyP, I use this place every day to help me stay on track. After 19 years of trying to get clean, I've finally found something that works. For me, it's as much about hanging out with friends on threads like Cafe Central as sharing the scary stuff - just being surrounded by people that I can say at any point, hey guys, today I'm a messed-up freak, and have 15 people round the world say, hey no worries, let's see it through together...
This is a real safety net - not just a reminder not to fall, but a real help when you think you're getting close to it.
Very glad you're here dude, and congratulations on your soon to be twins! Can't wait to hear about that story over the next year
Don't be anxious - there are loads of people here ready to walk you through it...
Still xxx
Like BillyP, I use this place every day to help me stay on track. After 19 years of trying to get clean, I've finally found something that works. For me, it's as much about hanging out with friends on threads like Cafe Central as sharing the scary stuff - just being surrounded by people that I can say at any point, hey guys, today I'm a messed-up freak, and have 15 people round the world say, hey no worries, let's see it through together...
This is a real safety net - not just a reminder not to fall, but a real help when you think you're getting close to it.
Very glad you're here dude, and congratulations on your soon to be twins! Can't wait to hear about that story over the next year
Don't be anxious - there are loads of people here ready to walk you through it...
Still xxx
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
Welcome Wayne, I am very grateful for this forum and glad you've found it as well.
For sure don't hold-on to regret and resentment. If you do drink write down and remember what caused the relapse and get back to your sobriety. Congrats on making the change.
For sure don't hold-on to regret and resentment. If you do drink write down and remember what caused the relapse and get back to your sobriety. Congrats on making the change.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Hey Wayne Congrats on your sober time.
I had many, many regrets when I quit drinking. I was overwhelmed by my shame and embarrassment. I told myself that I didn't have to deal with it all at once. Time helped soften the blow of the introspection I needed to do. As I was examining my past I had something real to hold on to - the effort I had put in to change, and the time I had stuck to my decision not to drink.
You can't go back and fix the bad decisions you made, or undo your bad behavior. You do have full control over what your life looks like moving forward. I'm trying to make my life story one that I can be proud of someday. We can redeem ourselves, I think. I operate on that belief and it's worked for me so far.
Be proud of what you've accomplished. You don't ever have to go back to where you came from.
Congrats on your sober time.I had many, many regrets when I quit drinking. I was overwhelmed by my shame and embarrassment. I told myself that I didn't have to deal with it all at once. Time helped soften the blow of the introspection I needed to do. As I was examining my past I had something real to hold on to - the effort I had put in to change, and the time I had stuck to my decision not to drink.
You can't go back and fix the bad decisions you made, or undo your bad behavior. You do have full control over what your life looks like moving forward. I'm trying to make my life story one that I can be proud of someday. We can redeem ourselves, I think. I operate on that belief and it's worked for me so far.
Be proud of what you've accomplished. You don't ever have to go back to where you came from.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Hi I think at some time you've got to leave the guilt and build a future around your love for each other , don't ever forget the bad times but don't define yourself by them.
Oh and well done on 83 days. Keep on here for support it is invaluable.
John.
Oh and well done on 83 days. Keep on here for support it is invaluable.
John.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
So nice to meet you all. 
Yes, that is one of my biggest keys, I think - letting go of the shame and guilt and embarassment, and it sounds like that is a key with others as well. I do not live near my closest friends and haven't for a long time, so I while do tell the few of them that I've had some problems, I don't have the specific back and forth that I see here that seems so healthy to me in terms of just owning up and also for words of encouragement. This is a more important part for than I would have guessed. This experience, in fact, has helpfully reminded me of how good folks are in general. I haven't been the most social in the last couple years after being a very social person most of my life. Good company and good hearts and good wit; oh, yes, this is a good thing!
And you are right GirlFromCo, time does soften introspection and also some of the hurt feelings I've caused. That has made life better lately, though I opened the wound a bit with my slip with myself and wife but I don't think as gravely as once existed. It makes her insecure about me in a stressful situation. I understand. However, that insecurity simply exists right now and though I've talked about my thoughts, more time will have to pass until she is past it.
Thanks for congrats on upcoming twins. Will share a story or two and try not to bore.
Yes, that is one of my biggest keys, I think - letting go of the shame and guilt and embarassment, and it sounds like that is a key with others as well. I do not live near my closest friends and haven't for a long time, so I while do tell the few of them that I've had some problems, I don't have the specific back and forth that I see here that seems so healthy to me in terms of just owning up and also for words of encouragement. This is a more important part for than I would have guessed. This experience, in fact, has helpfully reminded me of how good folks are in general. I haven't been the most social in the last couple years after being a very social person most of my life. Good company and good hearts and good wit; oh, yes, this is a good thing!
And you are right GirlFromCo, time does soften introspection and also some of the hurt feelings I've caused. That has made life better lately, though I opened the wound a bit with my slip with myself and wife but I don't think as gravely as once existed. It makes her insecure about me in a stressful situation. I understand. However, that insecurity simply exists right now and though I've talked about my thoughts, more time will have to pass until she is past it.
Thanks for congrats on upcoming twins. Will share a story or two and try not to bore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 300
Congrats Wayne , It's ninety days now isn't it? Be proud of yourself. It sounds like you know where you're going and the reasons for the changes you made. I wish you continued success in your recovery. I hope to be in your position in 75 days!
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Hi Wayne, and welcome to SR. It's made all the difference for my sobriety this time around. Congrats on 84 days, sorry about the setback, but congrats on getting back on the horse right away.
As a father of 15 yr old twins (a boy and a girl) and a 16 yr old son, I can tell you that I wish I had become sober prior to March 2011. I struggled at first, and have now had nothing to drink since 8/7/11. It can be done. When I stopped, my life was a shambles, especially my marriage. You wouldn't believe how much difference has occurred in the last (almost) 9 months. It's amazing. Most of the change has been in the last 6 weeks.
So...don't give up. It keeps getting better. You and your family are worth what turns out to be a small sacrifice, although it might seem a large one now. Regarding the shame? It's one of the things that has kept me sober. I hope I never forget it. I do use AA as well as SR, and read a lot about the secular programs, using the best principles from each. As a result, I actually want to live my life now, and I want it sober. But, I struggled for decades to string significant sober time together because I kept forgetting how I'd been. Now, I don't, and I feel that's a gift from God.
Keep posting, and, again, welcome to SR!
As a father of 15 yr old twins (a boy and a girl) and a 16 yr old son, I can tell you that I wish I had become sober prior to March 2011. I struggled at first, and have now had nothing to drink since 8/7/11. It can be done. When I stopped, my life was a shambles, especially my marriage. You wouldn't believe how much difference has occurred in the last (almost) 9 months. It's amazing. Most of the change has been in the last 6 weeks.
So...don't give up. It keeps getting better. You and your family are worth what turns out to be a small sacrifice, although it might seem a large one now. Regarding the shame? It's one of the things that has kept me sober. I hope I never forget it. I do use AA as well as SR, and read a lot about the secular programs, using the best principles from each. As a result, I actually want to live my life now, and I want it sober. But, I struggled for decades to string significant sober time together because I kept forgetting how I'd been. Now, I don't, and I feel that's a gift from God.
Keep posting, and, again, welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
Thanks all, and Wow, that is so inspiring to hear your story L.I., and helpful to hear your outlook on what has led you to the happiness that resonates in your words. Just a few weeks has been enough in the past to dull the memory of ugliness, which is good for moving away from agonizing self-loathing a bit, but perhaps as you suggest, not do so to the extent that you forget why you hated yourself in the first place. And clarifying to hear your simple truth, "it can be done."
Your mention of your 15 year old twins reminded me of something I read somewhere a year or two ago, as I was sporadically considering quitting drinking that has stuck with me. An adult woman was recalling her childhood and her father who was alcoholic until she was 15. Although there were difficult times before he quit, she was inspired by his correction of course. She said it showed her that people really can change, and that she could too, with anything. You story is similarly inspiring to me. I am so glad to hear how good things are for you.
A good bunch here - and I will keep posting. It is great to be among this thoughfulness.
Your mention of your 15 year old twins reminded me of something I read somewhere a year or two ago, as I was sporadically considering quitting drinking that has stuck with me. An adult woman was recalling her childhood and her father who was alcoholic until she was 15. Although there were difficult times before he quit, she was inspired by his correction of course. She said it showed her that people really can change, and that she could too, with anything. You story is similarly inspiring to me. I am so glad to hear how good things are for you.
A good bunch here - and I will keep posting. It is great to be among this thoughfulness.
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