Calmwaters

Hello, and as you can see this is my first post here. I'm thirty years old and have been struggling with alcohol for as long as I can remember. I've had my fair share of drugs but the drinking is about to kill me. I went on the worst binge I can remember and woke up Saturday bleeding from the nose terribly. I can't remember ever having one. If someone can explain the nose bleed I'm all ears. I couldn't walk and when I made it to the bathroom I stripped down and fell into the shower. Don't remember much after that but waking up with my wife crying trying to get me to drank water in the shower. I don't know why she stays with me but if I don't change I'm going to lose her and my daughter. My body aches so badly like no other typical hangover. I ate nothing for three days during this binge I guess it was Tuesday night through fri night. Obviously it has my body screaming now. I managed to slowly eat this afternoon and took off the next two days of work to recover. Going to the doctor tomorratow. I'm able to unfortunety have lots of freedom at my job and drank everyday at work but somehow keep it hush. I know this won't last forever. I don't really know why I'm here on this site or what I'm going to do but my body is weak and I can't get out of bed just yet so I've been looking for answers and found this place. I experienced lots of symptoms of alcohol poisoning( this is just from knowledge I received reading about it) from small hullicinations to total confusion of the most simple things for the human mind to do. I know I should have went to the hospital. I'm coming back to my right mind a little more now that I've got liquids and food in me but I'm straight to the doctor in the morning and looking for a recovery program ASAP. I have been to rehab twice for substance abuse but never dreamed the alcohol would ever be my major battle. Now I admit it is. God bless.

Dee74

Hi Calmwaters - welcome
I've never suffered nosebleeds so I have no experience to share - best to ask your Dr I think

If you feel concerned anytime before your appointment do go to the ER - it's best to be safe

You'll find a lot of support here - good to have you with us
D

tzivia

Welcome to SR! Glad you're going to see your dr, which is definitely the right thing to do. Alcohol detox can be fatal without supervision, and it sounds like you've been drinking a lot. Can you try to make an AA meeting? It's very helpful to have in person support. If that's not for you, there's a secular section in the forum for other types of recovery programs. Maybe one of them could benefit you.

Stick with it, it's way better to quit, than damage your health and suffer from hangovers every morning. SR is a wonderful site, and is very supportive. I'm new at sobriety, but there are a lot of members with long-term sobriety here that can offer a lot of support. Good luck. You're in the right place.

Calmwaters

Thank you for the response. Can I please ask whoever reads my post what do they do when they wake up each day to stay positive and keep sober??? I try but always seem to fall back in the same place. Yes I know everyone's situation is different I'm just looking for maybe a few words or thoughts. Thanks again people.

Scolova

Early in sobriety I was able to quickly remember the hellish feeling you are going through, but this time around I was given a very real internal sense of hope & purpose.. (a purpose that will only come about through my sobriety) Strength given by God..? I don't know, maybe I had final had enough and the mantra: 'You do not have to drink' settled into my brain. Still was very difficult in the first month to 90 days, but each time I made it through the struggles and daily routines, I got stronger in my resolve.
Best Wishes, alcohol became my version of crack-cocaine for ten years, I'd do just about anything to get drunk... Not anymore though. See a doctor if you can and get help, but be serious about it and get clean for yourself first and foremost.

tzivia

Well I am taking antabuse every morning. It's kind of a forced sobriety to keep me sober long enough to learn how to do it on my own. I'm planning on using it for a few months, in addition to AA meetings, to get sober time under my belt, and hopefully keep myself committed. It is a dangerous drug though for an alcoholic. You can't drink on it, it can be fatal, so I'd only recommend for someone who is truly committed. But for me it's been a lifesend. I take it every morning, and that's one way to ensure I will not drink today.

Besides that, I'm spending a lot of time thinking over my life. I've wasted the last 5 years of my life being irresponsible and stupid. I've spent too much time sick, hungover, hating every day. I've gained about 70 pounds in the last few years from drinking, I'm one of those that binges after drinking, just adding on more pounds on top of the excess liquid calories I've consumed. Keeping all of that in mind helps me remember what I don't want to go back to.

My plan is to get my life and health back. I spend my time visualizing myself 6 months from now, thinner, healthier, relaxing with a good book in the evening instead of drinking. I can see it, and I know I can do it. I have a good job, and I'm aiming for another one at work when the position comes available. I stand in a good place right now, but I know I'll blow it if I drink. I'm working that much harder at my job and on myself to make my life better.

It helps me to think every day about what improvements I want to make in my life, and then start working towards them. Every day I try to do better than the day before, and every day I end well because I haven't drink. That's a huge success for me.

Focus on the positives and the changes you want to make in your life. Don't dwell on the negatives except to remember what you don't want to go back to. Try to put it behind you, and move with your life without alcohol bringing you down. Reach out for support from family and friends. Stay here on SR chatting with others. It's been very helpful to me. Good luck, I wish you the best. I know you can do it, we all can.

MsJax

Calmwaters, hi

I got sober about 13 months ago and on the day I did, I admitted, whole heartedly that my life-with alcohol-was an unmanageable disaster. It wasn't even after a particularily bad drunk, as I drank to blackout multiple times per week. It was a feeling of utter exhaustion, that I had been in a horrible many years long fight and alcohol had won. To this day, every day, I am humbled now. I feel that every day, and that is my key to changing my life. It really was probably the most transformational feeling I've ever had & I maintain it to this day. Very thankful to be alive and sober.

stairs

Hi CalmWaters,

Yes what Scolova said and don't forget to drink lots of water.

One thing that helps me is being thankful for what I do have, asking for guidance , having faith that things are OK, breathe.

Hope you are feeling better.

Calmwaters

I did good a couple weeks ago. Told myself I was going to quit this crap and get my life back. I went six days straight. I still don't know how I did it. Felt great by the end of that week and thought It would be okay just to have a couple afternoon drinks. You know what happened next. Why I didn't make it to seven days tells me it's going to be a rough road. Im reading about some of you alls success stories and it gives me hope.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Please be honest with your doctor.

I felt the same as you are feeling now, but it was 11 months ago. Since then, I've been able to change into an employed teacher again. I hadn't worked in that field in 11 years. If anything, be happy knowing that if I can stay stopped and get back into teaching, then anything is possible for you! I don't know if that makes sense, but it's something to be happy about.

You have a wife, you and she can be happier together. You can be the a more present father for your beautiful daughter. You can live a longer and healthier life. You don't have to lose your job. You still have your mother on your side. You have a lot going for you as it is, so maybe you can focus on their happiness in seeing you become well and not sick. You have so much to really be grateful for, it's just that you are caught up in the pity party we all have in early recovery. Look ahead to the future, not behind. There is time for that later.

Love & hugs,

CaiHong

hi Calmwaters
I am nearly 11 months sober with the support of this forum and AA. it is still a mystery to me why I am able to give up now and not other times. that being said this time I was quitting for good not to moderate somewhere down the road that will never happen besides I don't want to moderate I want to get drunk.
Today my life is in control, The sober me can deal with life's challenges successfully .

I believe if you want it enough you can get it.
For me the obsession has lifted and I believe that was due to a modicum of spiritual awakening that was all it needed.
I now want to live a more spiritual life, to be connected to what is important.

Do what is needed your health is in serious jeopardy.

I sincerely wish you all the best on this remarkable journey.

CaiHong

Hip2beSquare

Calm, if you're like me you have to come to the conclusion that we are not like "normal" people. I never could understand people having "a couple" drinks. I like to get f^@&ed up real good. I don't like hangovers and have no shame when it comes to drinking in the morning, this = benders.

My last one was 6 days and ended last Thusday. Wife wanted to kick me out and I was close to calling it quits all the way around, just yesterday I saw my .45 had the hammer cocked back, I never keep it loaded so I figured I should check it. I racked the slide back and out a bullet came flyin. I don't remember ever loading it.

I had already made the commitment to try harder than ever and have been to 4 AA meetings in 3 days. I've got 3 days sober, I'm just now starting to feel somewhat normal and I have hope. But still the gun incident scared the hell out of me.

AA was scary as hell the first time but I was instantly welcomed like a long lost brother. Comeing here is wonderful too and there is a page with AA speaker tapes from meetings that I listened to for 2 days that give hope, sounds strange but it's true with me at least.

Here's a link AA Speaker Tapes : Listen To Alcoholics Anonymous Speakers

If you only know one thing, know it gets better as long as you stop drinking.

DisplacedGRITS

Hi Calmwaters. My nosebleeds seemed to be related to severe dehydtarion. Get to a doctor or detox place ASAP as detoxing can be fatal. Rehab is great and all but you need a long term, post rehab plan. AA has been working for me. It's a social progra, that's inexpensive and lasts forever where rehab is just a jump start for recovery. Try doing 90 meetings in 90 days. It can't hurt!

midgetcop

Hi Calmwaters, and welcome to SR!

I was also a binger, and after a bad binge I would also feel firm in my commitment to sobriety, only to drink again as soon as I felt physically better. It was like a predictable mental loop - "Go ahead, just take it easier this time", and somehow I would rationalize that somehow this time drinking would be *different*. Pfft. Of course, everything stayed exactly the same. If that's not the definition of insanity, then what is?

It came to a point where I had to constantly remind myself of how truly *awful* I felt when I drank. I had to remind myself constantly, and ignore my 'addictive voice' that was prompting me to get booze back into my body. Reading this forum helped a lot. I also tried to plan activities so that I didn't have a lot of empty time. I saw an addiction counsellor on a regular basis. There are many types of recovery programs out there, I'm sure you'll find one that fits you.

Calmwaters, you know that you can do this. I've relapsed more times than I can count, but there comes a time for all of us here where we said 'enough is enough'.

KarrieJay

Hi Calmwaters

Welcome to the forum

I remember feeling as you do. The fear, the shame, the worry....and the desperation. I just lurched from one disasterous drunken event to the next and I hated myself for it. It took an insane amount of time (literally years of misery) before I could admit to myself that I just could not handle alcohol.

But I promise you, you CAN get sober and lead a wonderful life. You just have to make a genuine commitment to do it! Personally, I was never able to do it by myself (and I really tried). It took the help and support of some kind and understanding people in a recovery program, plus the inspiration of this forum (which I read every day) to help me on the right path. It's been 9 months for me now and I can honestly say I've never looked back and I've never felt better. And I haven't had to say "sorry" to anyone in all that time!

You've been through the mill and you're feeling terrible right now, but don't beat yourself up about it. Just go to the Doc, find a recovery program and take the necessary steps to change your life. I'm not promising that it'll be easy but you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. And look at it this way......it can't be worse than how you feel right now.

Best of luck, and i hope you find the help you need.

Firehazard

Hi Calmwaters, It is very good to hear from you and to also hear that you have finally reached the very first step in recovery. The admission that you have alcoholism. When I reached this it changed my life and how the game was played as I began to look for answers everywhere I could. With daily prayer and walking through life knowing that I am not like others is very important. Alcoholics Aynonymous has help me tremendously when approach with this desperate admition of defeat. I hope that you may investigate AA with a open mind.

Also much information and support for your battle may be found here as many of us have experienced what you are feeling like. All you have to do is share.

Charon

Since you have a bit of time on your hands Google "cross adiction" - one of the things they stressed in my rehab was that once addicted to ANYTHING we are severely more prone to become addicted to every substance. We have to be ever vigilent about what we put in our bodies. Over the counter meds, perscribed meds, mouthwash, baked goods with alcohol in them, the list is huge.

As far as what I do to not drink, it's a long list, mostly things I picked up in my partial hospital rehab at Brattleboro Retreat. If you want I can email you my notes. PM with your email address if you want. That said, my compulsions always won. Don't know whether I wasn't serious but I have started taking Antabuse and I feel like a weight has been lifted. As long as I keep taking it I CANNOT drink. Even after I stop taking it I can't drink for 12 days or more without extreme sickness. Talk to your doctor. Perhaps he could refer you to a MD that specialized in addiction.

2granddaughters

Hello Cw.
The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous has kept me sober and sane (relatively) for some time. Might just be the ticket for you as well.

All the best.

Bob R

Calmwaters

Thank you all for your words of inspiration. Got back from the doc and going talk to someone he recommends at three o'clock today and everyday after for as long as it takes. Blood pressure was high and my shakes were obvious. I came clean about everything with no shame in my voice. He put me on lorazepam which I figured he would and reccomended certain vitamins to get my body back together. I see him first thing in the morning again. There is an AA meeting tomorrow night at seven and I'm going to give it a whirl. I have nothing to lose at this point. They say the first time is tough but I'm going to man up and handle it. Been to rehab never any AA of any kind. Thanks again for the support and I'm sure I'll be speaking with you all soon. I already feed at home here and I just got on. Displaced grits you were right about the nosebleeds too. Dehydration .

Sapling

Just remember that everyone at that meeting is there for the same reason you are...And they all had a first meeting...Try and get there 10 or 15 minutes early. Introduce yourself and let them know you are new. Let us know how it goes.