fhl41

I am fairly new to SR, I have posted a couple times here when I first came out of my last relationship with yet another addicted person. I have learned allot from SR and I thank you all for your stories and your honesty. This forum has truly been a saving grace for me.

Since being on my own again for the last month or so I have been going through allot of emotions and I wanted some feedback on some different thoughts I am trying to process in my new single life.

I believe I have allot to learn about myself so that this pattern does not continue. I am 41 and I have been married twice, the first marriage was to an alcoholic and my second one was to a gambling addict. My last relationship was with yet another alcoholic and just ended a month ago after dating him since last summer. I struggled with ending my marriages and gave each of them chance after chance to change but they both eventually ended with my realization that they weren’t’ going to change. Luckily with this last one I have no desire to take him back. So far so good anyway, SR has been helping me with this!

I have realized I am truly codependent and I think I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men because I had an alcoholic father who was also emotionally unavailable.

I have also been realizing that the reason I am in and out of bad relationships (and the reason I had problems letting go of my ex’s in the past) is a deep seeded fear of being alone. I always thought I was so independent but when I really listen to my thoughts lately I realize that I have moments of utter fear of getting old and not meeting someone who will love me.

My mom raised me on her own and never remarried nor even had a BF after my dad left when I was three. I think at times I am petrified to end up alone like her. However, in talking to my best friend (from childhood) the other night she said “is being alone really that bad, your mom is fine on her own and always has been!”

I am embarrassed to say that I found myself posting a profile on a dating site about 2 weeks ago and I was like what the hell am I doing!! I quickly deleted it. (I think I need to be single for at least a year and truly find myself maybe for the first time in my life).

Do any of you struggle with the idea of being alone? Is this part of being codependent? Is this why we sometimes stay in these relationships? Have any of you found solace in being single?

ninja

I hear ya! I had the same sort of life....alcoholic father, alcoholic husband, drug addicted boyfriend after husband died.....all boyfriends have had addiction issues. I'm now 53 and have moved myself into a funky downtown loft, learned to play the banjo, started painting and drawing again and trying to figure out who I am without a man. Actually, I'm pretty interesting in a exhentric way! Lol. I do date online, but anyone I date has to know I'm not going to look after them in any way and I will never live with a man again. I like my life and need my space! I'm not worried about being alone, I nurture friendships in my neighbourhood and have a rich social life and as much time for the things I enjoy on my own terms. Tonight for example, I'm going to get take away for dinner, walk my dogs and listen to the buskers, paint my toenails and play the banjo. After that I'll probably crochet ( I'm making a market bag) and read a juicey novel in bed before nodding off. Life is good and it can be for you too!

Katiekate

Hi, my father also was an emotionally unavailable A.

I can relate a lot to what you have written and I think being alone for a year is probably a good idea.

But just remember, you are human, and humans by nature want and are born with the desire and the right to be loved and give love. It's our nature.

The healthier you get, the closer you get to finding and getting your needs met.

And you deserve it. Keep getting to know yourself, so you can see like all the people who love you how valuable you truly are.

take good care, much love to you Kaite

Katiekate

sorry double post

LoveAllGone

Have you seen a therapist or attended al-anon for any of this? I see my therapist every other week and he's helped me to get to the root of where my 'codie' behavior came from. It started with my father and no he wasn't an alcoholic (rarely drinks) but he had very bad nerve problems and it was like living with a walking time bomb. He didn't receive help for his problems until after I was grown so I spent the fundamental years of my life tip-toeing around my father's feelings and running and endless marathon of trying to please him to keep from upsetting him and suffering his tempermental wrath.

I think we all 'desire' to be with someone...someone we can grow old with...share our hopes and dreams with...but I don't feel like it is necessary to have someone in your life to be happy. Actually, I kind of enjoy not having to worry about what someone else thinks and feels all the time. I can make my own plans for whenever I want and the only person I have to answer to for any of it is 'MYSELF'.

I went through the 'fear of being alone' stage for quite some time and I think that fear was one of the main reasons that kept me allowing XAH to return. I guess it took some solid time away from him (and every other male) to realize that I could be happy on my own and didn't need a man to feel 'complete'. If God sends the right one my way--I will know it in time but I feel no need to rush into anything until I figure myself out first.

fhl41

Ninja - thank you for this, I envy your life, it sounds wonderful, this is what I want for myself, I want to learn about me and do things that I truly love to do.

KatieKate – thank you for your support and yes, I do believe too that is in our nature to give and receive love, not sure if that is in the cards for me lol, I love what you said, “Keep getting to know yourself, so you can see like all the people who love you how valuable you truly are”. I really don’t feel like I do know myself, I have been too busy trying to please others. I think it’s time I got reacquainted with myself!

Loveallgone – I have been to therapists in the past and I guess it may be time to go back. I have also been to alanon but I have to be honest, i am terrified to speak in large groups and for that reason i found alanon to be more stressful to me then helpful.

dollydo

Children of addicts have a 50% chance of either becoming addicts or hooking up with addicts...might be time to work on you, unravel the mystery of why you keep gravitating to men with addiction issues...believe me, you won't die if you do not persue a relationship at this time.

queenie88

this resonates with me a lot. i'm coming out of a 2.5 year relationship with a cheating man who i believe to be a pathological liar, and also an alcohol and substance abuser, and i'm really struggling with being alone. like you, i stayed with this unhealthy relationship, despite finding that he lied about three kids by two different women, and despite learning that he was unfaithful. why? i'm still trying to hammer that out, but i know part of it must be that i have a crippling fear of being alone. my father wasn't an alcoholic but he came from an alcoholic father and was emotionally and verbally abusive to my brother and i, and sometimes physically abusive to my mother. i am working on my relationship with my father, and while he has been emotionally supportive of me as of late, i fear there has been significant damage done.

like you, my mother also never remarried and doesn't have many close friends and no family, and i believe i'm afraid of ending up like that. therefore, i stay in negative, unhealthy relationships to fill the void, yet when they inevitably end, i'm still left with the void. i really want to get to the point where i'm filling up the void myself and not relying on others to fill it for me, but it's been a struggle and i'm not quite sure where to begin.