Mo S

I dont have much contact with my passive aggressive/ self proclaimed victim role/mentally abusive mother because she couldnt beat my father so she joined him in his behavior. WEll, she called yesterday leaving the voice mail "call me its about Gramma". Gram is 87 years old with vascular dementia and mental illness: bipolar. I thought maybe she had died. I also have ibipolar. She called to get my partner's opinion (a physician) about a med the doctor wants to put her on that my mother and crazy aunt took her off 7 years ago because they believe meds are nasty an "make a zombie" out of her. (untrue- she did really well on the med- just more calm then they could stand) I asked my mother what the med was. ITS THE SAME MED I HAVE BEEN ON FOR 8 YEARS. I offered my opinion, advice, experience , strength and hope for gram that she be put on the med because its worked for me and i am not a "zombie". She as usual, completely ignored everything i had to say. Without going into boring details she pulled the usual mentally abusive parent including "dont brag about your mental illness ha ha ha". she called partner (physician) and asked her opinion. She said "Mo knows more about the med than i do - i have learned everything i really know about pysch meds from her rather than medical school." So, Mother ignored all her advice as well. She talked in circles - back to the "zombie " thing again. Doesnt understand mental illness AT ALL.

Sorry i am posting her instead of mental illness forum. I just believe this has more to do with my relationship with my mentally and emotionally abusive parent than mental illness. I know what will happen- MY beloved Gramma will not be put on the med and be subject to all the consequences that a simple pill could solve her troubles at a crappy nursing home (it was picked out because it was a close drive )

Please: could you provide some feedback. I am perseverating on this issue. My mother hit my core issues again. I keep getting attached to the emotional crap despite 20 years of ongoing therapy to deal with my ACOA issues.

Thank you for reading and i am sorry this is so long. Is it ever possible to detach from the ****. I have cut her and my alcoholic father oput of my life except to get news about my Gramma. She saved my life as a child, made me feel like i was special. I love her dearly tho she lives 1000 miles away. I have detached from Gram to a certain extent becuase she cant remember that i am in FL and that i dont visit her. Help?

tromboneliness

i don't really have any good advice for you, but my mom was really bad bipolar for many years, then under control very well with meds (mostly lithium) for about 30 years... then, when she was 77 and was hospitalized after a fall, it all came back -- for various reasons we never really figured out, although part of it was that she got hopelessly hooked on Oxycodone and other painkillers in the hospital.

The tricky thing with elderly people is that none of the psych meds have really been tested extensively in elderly -- so you're kind of guessing at what the right dosage is, etc. It's hard.

We never got my Mom stabilized, and then after a few months in the hospital and rehab, she acquired a MRSA infection, which killed her. It was awful -- and my worst fear, that she would die insane, is pretty much what happened. Sorry to hear about your grandmother's predicament.

T

Kialua

Sorry about your Grandmother and yours too T. My sister is stabilized and in a group home. I don't have much contact with her but I do know that the medical people welcome any interest. You could try calling and requesting a call with the social worker if she has one and tell them the life story wrap up. If the doctor wants the med he might welcome your two cents. Bypass your mom and go to the doctor directly if you feel up to it.

SadHeart

I'm sorry your mother invalidated you. I can empathize; my mother does it to me all the time.

Your comment that your mother told you not to 'brag' about your mental illness, ha, ha, struck a chord with me. After my recent divorce my mother made jokes about how I'm just not good at marriage, ha, ha, and how I should never marry again, ha, ha. Pretty ironic coming from a woman who is someone's FOURTH wife. It hurt indescribably. How did I get to be a second class citizen not worthy of the same respect and sensitivity she'd give her friends or colleagues or even a stranger on the street?

I know in my case if I bring it up to my mother, she will further invalidate me: she will 'forget' that she said that (I would never say anything like that) or be defensive (you're just sensitive) or be condescending (you need to talk to your therapist, do you have an appt soon, maybe you should hospitalize yourself, let me fly to your state and explain to your therapist what's REALLY going on about you). Or tell me it's not 'black and white' (that's a new one she's come up with recently meaning of course that she understands the fine shades of thought and feeling whereas I'm just 'stuck' and rigid because I don't buy justifications).

I don't have any advice for you. But these people slowly kill your soul erasing away little parts of it at a time. And they are completely and deliberately oblivious.

How did they decide WE were not quite 'valid' people? I know in my case at least that it happened very, very young. Why do they continue? Clearly they NEED us to be invalid for some reason, but why?

I understand why you want to perservere on the issue, because this is just an example of the underlying disrespect of your very personhood and experience and value. It's an example how you will never be good enough for your mother to listen to and it HURTS terribly. So of course you want to address it.

I just don't know how. Normal people when things like this are pointed out to them say, "Of course, you are right, I was insensitive, I'm sorry" and it's all better. Secretly messed up people like your mother and mine, who put on a great face to the world (in my mother's case, look how good I am to my friends--in your mother's case, look how good I am to my poor old demented since mother), don't accept that they are insensitive to you. They 'forget', or have excuses why what they did was okay (usually having to do with what is wrong with you), or play martyr ("I'm afraid to say anything to you because you'll just jump down my throat").

These people are so sure of their superiority and your inferiority and their own gd-dam 'niceness', that they can't accept that they are WRONG and behave very insensitively towards people they supposedly 'love' the most.

So I don't know what to do.

But what do YOU want to do? What are your options for approaching this? What are you mulling over?

SadHeart

By the way, I think your partner is AWESOME. Good for your partner to champion you against your mother's invalidation. Your partner essentially said, "Yes, I'm a doctor and have vast knowledge (more than you anyway, lady), and even with all I know, I don't know as much as Mo. Listen to Mo."

Lucky you to have a great partner like that.

ACOAHappyNow

I've been reading a book lately, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and it explains very clearly why abusive people do what they do. It has really opened my eyes to the fact that the only sane thing to do for me is to walk away completely from my abusive sister. An abuser will never change because they ENJOY abusing you - invalidating you, making you feel bad about yourself, making you doubt your own sanity - and they will never stop. The book made it clear to me, if you don't want a person doing that to you anymore, you only have one choice - walk away.

EveningRose

:rolling eyes:

Yeah, I got the, "You're just looking for attention." No matter what. Could NEVER be that there was a real problem, only that I'm just an attention *****.