My dumbass kid, whom I love.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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My dumbass kid, whom I love.
Hi guys,
I haven't posted (although I've lurked) for quite awhile, because my 15 year old son has been doing really well. He's been going to meetings since leaving rehab in late January. Hasn't relapsed. He JUST got a sponsor, altho he didn't want to--he must have a sponsor, for probation--but he actually likes this guy (who happens to be a counselor in a major rehab facility around here).
His grades are better. He's been a pretty decent kid.
Then, a few weeks ago, he meets this girl from another school district. She has piercings. she's HOT.
Oh, and she sells drugs.
I found this out from reading his private FB messages. I know, I violated his privacy. I can't use the information I just got, obviously.
I'm pretty calm about it, except I want to help him if I can. Of course, he may relapse, to show this girl how cool he is, and there's not much I can do if he makes that decision. But if he does I have to make sure he doesn't bring drugs into my home. Also, perhaps there is something I can do to help. My plan, so far: to just love him, and be available if he needs me.
Unless...is there anything else I could/should do? Can I simply tell him I don't like the looks of this girl, and say I won't support the relationship, without spilling the beans? Are parents allowed to do that?
Thanks for any thoughts/advice you may have...
ISO
I haven't posted (although I've lurked) for quite awhile, because my 15 year old son has been doing really well. He's been going to meetings since leaving rehab in late January. Hasn't relapsed. He JUST got a sponsor, altho he didn't want to--he must have a sponsor, for probation--but he actually likes this guy (who happens to be a counselor in a major rehab facility around here).
His grades are better. He's been a pretty decent kid.
Then, a few weeks ago, he meets this girl from another school district. She has piercings. she's HOT.
Oh, and she sells drugs.
I found this out from reading his private FB messages. I know, I violated his privacy. I can't use the information I just got, obviously.
I'm pretty calm about it, except I want to help him if I can. Of course, he may relapse, to show this girl how cool he is, and there's not much I can do if he makes that decision. But if he does I have to make sure he doesn't bring drugs into my home. Also, perhaps there is something I can do to help. My plan, so far: to just love him, and be available if he needs me.
Unless...is there anything else I could/should do? Can I simply tell him I don't like the looks of this girl, and say I won't support the relationship, without spilling the beans? Are parents allowed to do that?
Thanks for any thoughts/advice you may have...
ISO
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh dear, first please know that at one time I too was "the great codie detective". Then I realized that when I found information like that, it bothered me and triggered the worst in me. It took time and a lot of fretting but I stopped doing that and began trusting my instincts instead.
So, said with love in my heart...
If he is behaving at home and maintaining good grades, if he is improving with his recovery...then I'd leave it alone. In the end he is the one who will have to make hard choices, like the hot chick who sells drugs.
Give him the dignity of choosing...even of making his own mistakes, that's how they learn.
Added to love, tears, threats, anger, pleading and more...add that detecting has never changed the outcome or made anyone get clean that didn't want to.
Trust your instinct. If he shows signs of relapse then make your boundaries clear once more and stick to them.
Hugs from a mama who's been there, done that and bought every t-shirt in sight.
So, said with love in my heart...
If he is behaving at home and maintaining good grades, if he is improving with his recovery...then I'd leave it alone. In the end he is the one who will have to make hard choices, like the hot chick who sells drugs.
Give him the dignity of choosing...even of making his own mistakes, that's how they learn.
Added to love, tears, threats, anger, pleading and more...add that detecting has never changed the outcome or made anyone get clean that didn't want to.
Trust your instinct. If he shows signs of relapse then make your boundaries clear once more and stick to them.
Hugs from a mama who's been there, done that and bought every t-shirt in sight.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
You can't make his choices for him but the red flags are there. Why would someone in true recovery want to date or be firends a drug dealer? How will you know if he brought drugs into your house? Unless she holds him down and forces him to relapse, she isn't to blame. I know it can be hard to NOT to blame the dealer, I know I have often struggles with that myself.
Buckle up, protect your heart and belongings.....this may just get rocky. I pray I am wrong!
Either way, my prayers go out to you and your son!
Buckle up, protect your heart and belongings.....this may just get rocky. I pray I am wrong!
Either way, my prayers go out to you and your son!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
Hi Ann,
Thanks for replying. I know you are right. Mum's the word, for mom.
Like I said, I'm pretty calm about it. I absolutely believe that he will have to make this decision himself.
I'm doing a lot of praying, though. A LOT.
Thanks for replying. I know you are right. Mum's the word, for mom.
Like I said, I'm pretty calm about it. I absolutely believe that he will have to make this decision himself.
I'm doing a lot of praying, though. A LOT.
Just Keep Swimming
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
Awwww, that's tough ISO. I was once a rebellious teen, and I guarantee you that any disinterest you show in the hot drug dealer chick is only going to make your son fall more "deeply in love" with her. I don't think it matters if you have proof, suspicion, or a smoking gun. And, like Ann said, finding the proof probably only makes you feel worse. I would just focus on taking care of yourself and hope that your son makes good choices on his own.
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Love Me Not,
It's not that I would blame her. But I don't want my kid around people who sell drugs. That said, it's his decision whether having her is worth giving up his clean time. I really hope he makes the right choice.
It's not that I would blame her. But I don't want my kid around people who sell drugs. That said, it's his decision whether having her is worth giving up his clean time. I really hope he makes the right choice.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I think finding the proof turns a certain switch on in my head--the "hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride" switch. I think knowing makes it easier for me. But I know I shouldn't have looked at his private messages. I'm not quite at that level of detachment, unfortunately. But something changed in me when he went to rehab. I learned that he is his own person, and his life is his to live. I really, relly got that he was a separate person, and that I could no longer protect him. I still feel that way today. Paying helps.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by ISOHumility 
Love Me Not,
It's not that I would blame her. But I don't want my kid around people who sell drugs. That said, it's his decision whether having her is worth giving up his clean time. I really hope he makes the right choice.
It's not that I would blame her. But I don't want my kid around people who sell drugs. That said, it's his decision whether having her is worth giving up his clean time. I really hope he makes the right choice.
Wow, even writing that makes me sad about how sick I was!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Do everything you can to get him away from her. He is a kid at 15- that gives you control to a great degree. He will probably start doing drugs again if he is with a drug dealing person, and in that environment. DO not put up with it.
Trust me I let stuff like that go, and my son is now 25 and shooting oxy and overdosed recently again. If only I could have went back to when he was under my rule at 15.
His life could depend on the choices you make now!
"I found this out from reading his private FB messages. I know, I violated his privacy. I can't use the information I just got, obviously"
That is Not an evasion!!! good for you!
Just please do whatever you can, now! Whatever it takes!
Trust me I let stuff like that go, and my son is now 25 and shooting oxy and overdosed recently again. If only I could have went back to when he was under my rule at 15.
His life could depend on the choices you make now!
"I found this out from reading his private FB messages. I know, I violated his privacy. I can't use the information I just got, obviously"
That is Not an evasion!!! good for you!
Just please do whatever you can, now! Whatever it takes!
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Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
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Originally Posted by ISOHumility
.... he must have a sponsor, for probation... Then, a few weeks ago, he meets this girl from another school district. She has piercings. she's HOT. Oh, and she sells drugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
These are tough decisions for a Mom. I think I tried everything and nothing worked with my son. He was Hell bent on doing whatever he wanted to do. My biggest failure was cushioning the consequences or navigating his problems for him.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
You have received great advice.
I really hope you don't find this inappropriate to say, but I ALWAYS chuckle when I read "My dumbass kid, whom I love." It just cracks me up.
Wishing good things for you and your family.
I really hope you don't find this inappropriate to say, but I ALWAYS chuckle when I read "My dumbass kid, whom I love." It just cracks me up.
Wishing good things for you and your family.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
Thanks for all the great advice, guys. I'm not going to say anything for now, but I did inform his PO, who is a wonderful man. We'll see what he has to say. For now though, I'm keeping quiet and praying hard.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
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Originally Posted by ISOHumility
But I know I shouldn't have looked at his private messages. I'm not quite at that level of detachment, unfortunately. But something changed in me when he went to rehab. I learned that he is his own person, and his life is his to live. I really, relly got that he was a separate person, and that I could no longer protect him.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
what would ya do as a parent BEFORE the age of social media? before FB and tweets and texts and cell phones and every other method of putting one's life on the internet for all to see? what if....all you could do was.....watch his actions? observe? what would you do then?
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Update.
Wanted to pass along the story of what happened today.
My family went to church today, as we always do. My sponsor and best friend--whom my son loves--went as well.
My son HATES the singing part of church. Since we've been going to this church, my son has left the room when the singing begins, and returns when they stop--maybe 3 or 4 songs.
Today, as we were singing, my son pushed his way into the aisle and took his seat next to me. He stood for one song, then asked if he could sit for the rest. I nodded. I was so overcome that he'd come in for the singing, that tears trickled down my cheeks.
But that wasn't all.
Today's sermon was about when people we love insist on going down the wrong path, despite all we do to try to help. The way of Christ, the pastor said, is to not to try to change their behavior, but to let them know we are here, and that we love them. The job of changing is theirs, not ours.
More tears.
I could be totally nuts, but I believe that God heard my prayers, knows the concern I feel for the situation I wrote about yesterday. The sermon, and my son's coming in to hear the singing--which has not occurred for a year, and was not prompted by me or anyone--was His way of telling me that everything will be okay, no matter what happens.
I am taking my son to his meeting soon, but the experience today was so powerful that I had to write it down.
It was real. I am not saying my son may not relapse--that is his choice. But my job as a mother is to watch, and wait, and love, and as Ann said, to give him the dignity of choice.
I feel that God is blessing and protecting my son, and that--somehow--he felt that love. And without knowing why, he wanted to hear the singing, because it was God himself calling him to hear it.
Apologies to any atheists who read this--not pushing Christ on anyone, just wanted to tell you about a mysterious and powerful experience.
God truly is love. He loved me, and my son, today is a most powerful and personal way.
My family went to church today, as we always do. My sponsor and best friend--whom my son loves--went as well.
My son HATES the singing part of church. Since we've been going to this church, my son has left the room when the singing begins, and returns when they stop--maybe 3 or 4 songs.
Today, as we were singing, my son pushed his way into the aisle and took his seat next to me. He stood for one song, then asked if he could sit for the rest. I nodded. I was so overcome that he'd come in for the singing, that tears trickled down my cheeks.
But that wasn't all.
Today's sermon was about when people we love insist on going down the wrong path, despite all we do to try to help. The way of Christ, the pastor said, is to not to try to change their behavior, but to let them know we are here, and that we love them. The job of changing is theirs, not ours.
More tears.
I could be totally nuts, but I believe that God heard my prayers, knows the concern I feel for the situation I wrote about yesterday. The sermon, and my son's coming in to hear the singing--which has not occurred for a year, and was not prompted by me or anyone--was His way of telling me that everything will be okay, no matter what happens.
I am taking my son to his meeting soon, but the experience today was so powerful that I had to write it down.
It was real. I am not saying my son may not relapse--that is his choice. But my job as a mother is to watch, and wait, and love, and as Ann said, to give him the dignity of choice.
I feel that God is blessing and protecting my son, and that--somehow--he felt that love. And without knowing why, he wanted to hear the singing, because it was God himself calling him to hear it.
Apologies to any atheists who read this--not pushing Christ on anyone, just wanted to tell you about a mysterious and powerful experience.
God truly is love. He loved me, and my son, today is a most powerful and personal way.
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