I don't think I am in denial...........
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I don't think I am in denial...........
So I made my AH move out a month ago because of his relapse to pain pills. I was very depressed, scared, angry and was having a hard time over all. I continued to fail at the no contact rule I imposed. Basically, I felt like I was losing my mind. I was riding that roller coaster of so many emotions and could barely function at times.
I have been to 3 Al-anon meetings and 3 therapists appointments. But in the past week, I have spent the night with HIM on 2 occasions. He takes me to dinner and is very loving and attentive. I will not discuss him coming home at all.
I am not discussing his addictions or his attempts at recovery! He is currently taking suboxone which I have mixed feelings, mostly negative, but it's his issue, NOT mine.
He is really inquisitive and positive about the Al-anon meetings. He seemed genuinely interested and kind of envious. I really believe he wants me to get healthy.
My point is as I am getting healthy, I don't want to go cold turkey from him. I still want "the dream." BUT I am putting myself first, I feel very energized and feel happier than I have in a long time.
He can either join me in recovery or he can be left behind in his own hell. Either way, I am feeling stronger and more confident.
Yet, I can't help wondring.....am I fooling myself? I really don't think so. In my case, I think it will be easier to let go if I have to when I am healthier, stronger and more independent!
I have been to 3 Al-anon meetings and 3 therapists appointments. But in the past week, I have spent the night with HIM on 2 occasions. He takes me to dinner and is very loving and attentive. I will not discuss him coming home at all.
I am not discussing his addictions or his attempts at recovery! He is currently taking suboxone which I have mixed feelings, mostly negative, but it's his issue, NOT mine.
He is really inquisitive and positive about the Al-anon meetings. He seemed genuinely interested and kind of envious. I really believe he wants me to get healthy.
My point is as I am getting healthy, I don't want to go cold turkey from him. I still want "the dream." BUT I am putting myself first, I feel very energized and feel happier than I have in a long time.
He can either join me in recovery or he can be left behind in his own hell. Either way, I am feeling stronger and more confident.
Yet, I can't help wondring.....am I fooling myself? I really don't think so. In my case, I think it will be easier to let go if I have to when I am healthier, stronger and more independent!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Love-me-knots 
We are all living individual lives and we all have our own experiences and decisions to make. As individuals we either recover or we do not. If you are working toward your recovery...as you are committed to taking care of yourself...you will evolve into the future of your life.
The future of YOUR life has many options. re: you recover and he does not, he gets recovery and you stay twisted up in love knots...or you both recover. then if you both recover he may fall in love with someone else, you may get a fabulous job in the south of france...he might get hit by a bus. Life is pretty unpredictable!
Addiction is life with an exacerbated unpredictability. It causes instability and ALL of the so many symptoms that we experience in relation to it.
Recovery is always a possibility. But there are probabilities as well.
If you focus on your recovery and are committed to it...
then your options become about you feeling dignified, humble, and strong in spirit.
When you continue to strengthen your own sense of self, develop healthy boundaries, and spiritual well-being you will begin to trust yourself more and more to do what is right for your life, this one precious life.
As you go along your path you will find help and support as you reach out. Check in on your perspectives. I still love my ex. I gave him a lot of chances. I still speak with him, but I am separated from him. I feel the difference now, I trust myself more and more. And I still get to love him...but I do so from a verrrrry safe distance. We all do what we need to do, and when it isn't working we get to ask for help, and when it is working we get to celebrate it.
I celebrate what is working in my life right now. Healthy boundaries, sense of well-being, spiritual wholeness, reflection, love, community, SR,
and compassion for someone who is admitting some hard truths to self (is that me or the "qualifier" )
simple slogans...easy does it, one day at a time, do the next right thing...
We are all living individual lives and we all have our own experiences and decisions to make. As individuals we either recover or we do not. If you are working toward your recovery...as you are committed to taking care of yourself...you will evolve into the future of your life.
The future of YOUR life has many options. re: you recover and he does not, he gets recovery and you stay twisted up in love knots...or you both recover. then if you both recover he may fall in love with someone else, you may get a fabulous job in the south of france...he might get hit by a bus. Life is pretty unpredictable!
Addiction is life with an exacerbated unpredictability. It causes instability and ALL of the so many symptoms that we experience in relation to it.
Recovery is always a possibility. But there are probabilities as well.
If you focus on your recovery and are committed to it...
then your options become about you feeling dignified, humble, and strong in spirit.
When you continue to strengthen your own sense of self, develop healthy boundaries, and spiritual well-being you will begin to trust yourself more and more to do what is right for your life, this one precious life.
As you go along your path you will find help and support as you reach out. Check in on your perspectives. I still love my ex. I gave him a lot of chances. I still speak with him, but I am separated from him. I feel the difference now, I trust myself more and more. And I still get to love him...but I do so from a verrrrry safe distance. We all do what we need to do, and when it isn't working we get to ask for help, and when it is working we get to celebrate it.
I celebrate what is working in my life right now. Healthy boundaries, sense of well-being, spiritual wholeness, reflection, love, community, SR,
and compassion for someone who is admitting some hard truths to self (is that me or the "qualifier" )simple slogans...easy does it, one day at a time, do the next right thing...
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hmmmm, maybe he is my suboxone. lol
If or when, I feel like I am putting his needs before mine, I will have to reexamine this. But right now it feels good to be the receiver and not the giver. In some way, it feels good to "use" him to meet my needs for a change. Then I get to come home and do MY thing with no anxieties. When I leave him, I leave with no expectations.
I never realized that he is very codependent on me as well. It took me to accept Jesus into my heart before he would. And it will take me to get healthy before he "maybe" can. Either way, I will get healthy and that's my goal and my prayer! All things are possible in Christ who strengthens us.
I am not going to run into another mans arms, like so many I know.
If or when, I feel like I am putting his needs before mine, I will have to reexamine this. But right now it feels good to be the receiver and not the giver. In some way, it feels good to "use" him to meet my needs for a change. Then I get to come home and do MY thing with no anxieties. When I leave him, I leave with no expectations.
I never realized that he is very codependent on me as well. It took me to accept Jesus into my heart before he would. And it will take me to get healthy before he "maybe" can. Either way, I will get healthy and that's my goal and my prayer! All things are possible in Christ who strengthens us.
I am not going to run into another mans arms, like so many I know.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
we have to gauge what we can handle, and choose how we wish to proceed in life. if this is working for you, terrific! if at any time you need to change tack as the wind changes direction, you are the captain of your own ship. just watch out for rocks and rip tides and rogue waves!
LovesMeNot, as long as "you" stay on the right track, you will be okay...regardless of whether he follows or not. That was one of my first surprises in recovery, that I could be okay even when my son was not. Powerful stuff, this recovery.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am not totally on the same page as others, and here is why...four days ago he sent you flowers and now you are seeing him again...to me, the more contact you have with him, the harder it will be to let go and become an independent person.
Although, if you feel that spending nights with him is the only answer for you, then so be it..it is your life...your path..your shoes to walk in.
Sending my best your way...
Although, if you feel that spending nights with him is the only answer for you, then so be it..it is your life...your path..your shoes to walk in.
Sending my best your way...
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
You may be very right Dollydo and I really appreciate your honesty.
I found myself conflicted about seeing him tonight, but in the end I did say NO. I have my Co-dependent No more book to read.
But please trust me, the flowers did NOTHING for me. That's nothing new or special by him. And last night I went to a meeting before I saw him and even though there was a traffic jam and it could have been easier to turn around and head straight to his place, I didn't do it. Nothing in mind would even consider that. There was almost a "block" from even allowing me to entertain the thought. It was awesome!
And he isn't going to church with me tomorrow (he is golfing) and that speaks volumes to me.....
But I think in my case, it will be easier to break free if I feel stronger and confident. Maybe I am wrong, time will tell. But in any case I am still working on ME!
I found myself conflicted about seeing him tonight, but in the end I did say NO. I have my Co-dependent No more book to read.
But please trust me, the flowers did NOTHING for me. That's nothing new or special by him. And last night I went to a meeting before I saw him and even though there was a traffic jam and it could have been easier to turn around and head straight to his place, I didn't do it. Nothing in mind would even consider that. There was almost a "block" from even allowing me to entertain the thought. It was awesome!
And he isn't going to church with me tomorrow (he is golfing) and that speaks volumes to me.....
But I think in my case, it will be easier to break free if I feel stronger and confident. Maybe I am wrong, time will tell. But in any case I am still working on ME!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Either way, I will get healthy and that's my goal and my prayer! All things are possible in Christ who strengthens me.
The spiritual path is all yours to follow.
Beth
ETA: You were typing about him going golfing instead of church, while I was typing about your spiritual journey!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
