Two steps forward, one step back..
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Two steps forward, one step back..
Seriously. Logic eludes me today. My literature isn't getting me very far. There is an FA convention a couple of hours drive away this weekend, I couldn't attend due to no babysitter, but all my friends from my meeting are there, so otherwise engaged and I don't like to disturb them.
So although I hate to do the daily report.. I kind of have to just for today. To set the scene.
The past 3 days XABF has cancelled seeing our daughter- the first he called 5 minutes before we were due to meet- I was already there waiting obviously. Yesterday he called an hour before. Today I called him and he told me he was on his way to collect his other kids and then switched right into a rant about where was I last night. I haven't heard one of those in a week or two so he threw me off track a bit with that.
I KNOW he's toxic. I KNOW I can't be around him because he breaks my heart and messes with my head. I KNOW he's not a competent or responsible parent- which is why he never ever sees her without me present.
I was so angry today. Daisy is about to turn 2 and driving me completely insane, I broke down in tears this morning because I'd had four hours of broken sleep and she was throwing food at the walls and screaming at me at 6am. She's not a bad kid, I know this is just normal 2 year old stuff, I never get angry at her or express anger in front of her other than to say 'you're making me upset when you do XYZ, because XYZ. I love you very much and it upsets me when you behave like XYZ. I understand you're feeling XYZ..' etc.
Back to the point. I was SO SO angry at my ex. So angry. Why isn't he here? Why isn't he enough of a man to even visit his own daughter? Why does he think it's ok to call me irresponsible/a bad mother/any number of other things when I am the one doing EVERYTHING? I'm taking care of her 24/7. I love her to bits but sometimes I could (and do!) just cry because I feel so inadequate as a parent on my own. He's never helped care for her and I've always done everything.. Sometimes it's a lot to handle, you know?
And what's with his bunch of crappy excuses about why he can't see Daisy, and then he goes to collect his other kids (who he rarely bothers to visit) and doesn't even contact me to tell me his plans have changed?
Hes not in active addiction to the best of my knowledge, he's on MMT but thinks he's above NA or rehab or counselling. I wish he'd just disappear into thin air.
Words of wisdom please ladies, my head is like a tornado inside!
So although I hate to do the daily report.. I kind of have to just for today. To set the scene.
The past 3 days XABF has cancelled seeing our daughter- the first he called 5 minutes before we were due to meet- I was already there waiting obviously. Yesterday he called an hour before. Today I called him and he told me he was on his way to collect his other kids and then switched right into a rant about where was I last night. I haven't heard one of those in a week or two so he threw me off track a bit with that.
I KNOW he's toxic. I KNOW I can't be around him because he breaks my heart and messes with my head. I KNOW he's not a competent or responsible parent- which is why he never ever sees her without me present.
I was so angry today. Daisy is about to turn 2 and driving me completely insane, I broke down in tears this morning because I'd had four hours of broken sleep and she was throwing food at the walls and screaming at me at 6am. She's not a bad kid, I know this is just normal 2 year old stuff, I never get angry at her or express anger in front of her other than to say 'you're making me upset when you do XYZ, because XYZ. I love you very much and it upsets me when you behave like XYZ. I understand you're feeling XYZ..' etc.
Back to the point. I was SO SO angry at my ex. So angry. Why isn't he here? Why isn't he enough of a man to even visit his own daughter? Why does he think it's ok to call me irresponsible/a bad mother/any number of other things when I am the one doing EVERYTHING? I'm taking care of her 24/7. I love her to bits but sometimes I could (and do!) just cry because I feel so inadequate as a parent on my own. He's never helped care for her and I've always done everything.. Sometimes it's a lot to handle, you know?
And what's with his bunch of crappy excuses about why he can't see Daisy, and then he goes to collect his other kids (who he rarely bothers to visit) and doesn't even contact me to tell me his plans have changed?
Hes not in active addiction to the best of my knowledge, he's on MMT but thinks he's above NA or rehab or counselling. I wish he'd just disappear into thin air.
Words of wisdom please ladies, my head is like a tornado inside!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Well, you wrote this, "just cry because I feel so inadequate as a parent on my own. He's never helped care for her and I've always done everything.."
So, you are just minus the big bozo that made life really unpleasant.
That is all I have, but that is big.
I am sorry you are going through this. The terrible twos!!!!
Your friends will be back soon.
By the way, he "says" he was going to see his other kids.
He might be telling the other mother the same thing.
Better your own company than bad company.
Let him arrange the next meeting all by himself. When he is at the designated meeting spot, you have him call you and then you leave. You have better things to do than wait around for him.
And if he has a problem with that, tough!
Your little daughter does not need him. Not if his efforts are half-hearted.
Have a peaceful evening. You are fantastic, fact.
So, you are just minus the big bozo that made life really unpleasant.
That is all I have, but that is big.
I am sorry you are going through this. The terrible twos!!!!
Your friends will be back soon.
By the way, he "says" he was going to see his other kids.
He might be telling the other mother the same thing.
Better your own company than bad company.
Let him arrange the next meeting all by himself. When he is at the designated meeting spot, you have him call you and then you leave. You have better things to do than wait around for him.
And if he has a problem with that, tough!
Your little daughter does not need him. Not if his efforts are half-hearted.
Have a peaceful evening. You are fantastic, fact.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Thank you 
I know he definitely collected the kids as his sister drove him there and back. It hurts that they seem to be punishing Daisy to get to me.
I wish my stupid heart would catch up with my head. I know what I need to do. I just need a switch to turn the emotions off!
I know he definitely collected the kids as his sister drove him there and back. It hurts that they seem to be punishing Daisy to get to me. I wish my stupid heart would catch up with my head. I know what I need to do. I just need a switch to turn the emotions off!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You are under so much stress and responsibility, Windmills. You are hurt and angry and abandoned and tired. It has to be very very hard some days, to handle everything, and your anger and frustration is as normal as can be. It will flare, it will burn, then it will die down again. Like the phases of the moon.
I have been doing deep thinking and deep reading about addiction. I recently picked up some new books written by and for AA's, to better understand. I found some new books on the physiology of addiction. And some on the mental and spiritual sickness of the addict.
What I am coming to believe in my gut, for myself, is that I can have no expectations of any addict who is not in recovery. It is unreasonable of me to expect that he will be dependable, honest, faithful, or make amends for any wrongs. It is unreasonable of me to expect that he will be rational in his thinking and able to make healthy decisions about any aspect of his life. The addict is sick, to the core, and why am I astonished when he fails in any area of his life? When I hear myself or others say, "I can't believe he....." (fill in the blank: drove drunk with the kids, stole his mother's jewelry, had an affair, told his boss to go to hell, moved to Alaska and left his family in poverty).....I find, more and more, that I simply ask (silently, for if I say this out loud people will become angry), "He is an addict. What did you expect?"
Methadone maintenance is not recovery. It deals only with the physical dependency. So your AH is not a recovering addict. He may not even, as you suggest, be a sober addict.
Our challenge is to accept that addiction is a vicious disease, that we cannot control the addict's thinking nor his behavior--both of which will be sick-- and we therefore must make choices which are healthy for us and our families and which do not rely on the addict for their success.
I hope you can work things out and I'm sure, with experience and some understandable wrong turns, you will create a life with less chaos and pain. You will have to do it on your own. It's hard. But you can.
I'm very sorry for your children's feelings, as having an addict father hurts. But if you stay in recovery, you can be the rock of dependability and consistent love they need. One good parent is enough, if the parent is healthy.
I have been doing deep thinking and deep reading about addiction. I recently picked up some new books written by and for AA's, to better understand. I found some new books on the physiology of addiction. And some on the mental and spiritual sickness of the addict.
What I am coming to believe in my gut, for myself, is that I can have no expectations of any addict who is not in recovery. It is unreasonable of me to expect that he will be dependable, honest, faithful, or make amends for any wrongs. It is unreasonable of me to expect that he will be rational in his thinking and able to make healthy decisions about any aspect of his life. The addict is sick, to the core, and why am I astonished when he fails in any area of his life? When I hear myself or others say, "I can't believe he....." (fill in the blank: drove drunk with the kids, stole his mother's jewelry, had an affair, told his boss to go to hell, moved to Alaska and left his family in poverty).....I find, more and more, that I simply ask (silently, for if I say this out loud people will become angry), "He is an addict. What did you expect?"
Methadone maintenance is not recovery. It deals only with the physical dependency. So your AH is not a recovering addict. He may not even, as you suggest, be a sober addict.
Our challenge is to accept that addiction is a vicious disease, that we cannot control the addict's thinking nor his behavior--both of which will be sick-- and we therefore must make choices which are healthy for us and our families and which do not rely on the addict for their success.
I hope you can work things out and I'm sure, with experience and some understandable wrong turns, you will create a life with less chaos and pain. You will have to do it on your own. It's hard. But you can.
I'm very sorry for your children's feelings, as having an addict father hurts. But if you stay in recovery, you can be the rock of dependability and consistent love they need. One good parent is enough, if the parent is healthy.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I tend not to have any expectations of him- I actually have negative expectations if anything, which isn't good, I need to try to stay neutral I think. But this episode has just thrown me for a loop for some reason. I don't know why- I think I have been right on top of trying to minimise Daisy's pain and stop her being damaged by him, I just didn't see this coming. I hate that I told her she would be seeing daddy and then he didn't show. I didn't make that mistake yesterday or today, but the first day I did. I'm lucky she is too little to really understand. I don't want her to ever know the way he disregards her feelings- I know she's only a baby but what happens now is going to make her into the adult she will one day become. I wish I could protect her better. I've removed her from the situation as best I can but ARGHHH.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: portland
Posts: 1
Windmills, i would love too provide some wisdom for you, but ill leave that to those who have a little more experience under their belts. However I can tell you that i am in jaw dropped awe and admiration of any single mother. And i would also like to say that although i've already gotten high today that your post gave me hope today that i can be different. THANK YOU
BTW Your awesome! for real.
BTW Your awesome! for real.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sending a hug because you are such a terrific person under a lot of pressure right now.
No suggestions, but I'll quote an old adage of mine..."The difference between a bad day and a good day is about two days." I promise it's true.
Hugs
No suggestions, but I'll quote an old adage of mine..."The difference between a bad day and a good day is about two days." I promise it's true.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Thanks Ann. Hugs much appreciated! I luckily had a good day yesterday for the first time in a while, and went to a meeting last night, so I'm keeping it in mind that tomorrow can be a good day too if I wake up with the right attitude
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
At least she is growing up with you as a role model and not him.
It is hard, but at least you know she is safe when she is with you. I know, I deal with this as well. And I think about calling him and telling him to come get the kids just to give me a break and make him be responsible for once, but really, come on. He isn't going to be responsible, and the stress from thinking about what he is doing is at least just as bad, if not worse, than the stress of dealing with all these crazy kids.
It is hard, but at least you know she is safe when she is with you. I know, I deal with this as well. And I think about calling him and telling him to come get the kids just to give me a break and make him be responsible for once, but really, come on. He isn't going to be responsible, and the stress from thinking about what he is doing is at least just as bad, if not worse, than the stress of dealing with all these crazy kids.
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Posts: 500
Oh I don't want him to come and get her, I just wish I lived in an alternative universe where he was a responsible adult capable of doing responsible, adult things. I think my head would explode if he ever had her unsupervised- I don't know what the mother of his other kids is thinking, but as he's not a danger at present (just a bad role model I guess) there's nothing to be done about that. Her kids her decisions, as long as they're not in danger or being exposed to an active addict.
I guess it's not a real 'I wish he was here' as much as its 'I wish he was a different person entirely' if that makes sense?!
I guess it's not a real 'I wish he was here' as much as its 'I wish he was a different person entirely' if that makes sense?!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
I don't think anybody should have to be a harda$$.
What you do need to be is aware.
Aware, that all that you are feeling is perfectly normal and appropriate.
Aware, that you are responsible for you and your daughter Daisy.
Aware that he is a weak and ineffectual man.
Aware, that the only way he can make himself any better than the smelly thing that comes out of a dog's backside, is to put you down.
Aware, that because you are tired and overwhelmed at the moment and so recently out of his toxic stink, you are affected by his words.
You will come out of this. Stronger, happier and wiser.
And living well (not money, happy and serene) will be your best response.
Again, you are now simply freer to do all that you were doing anyway, without the nasty put-downs.
Minimize any verbal exchanges. Just the facts ma'am!
He really isn't up to your standards.
Because you are fabulous!
What you do need to be is aware.
Aware, that all that you are feeling is perfectly normal and appropriate.
Aware, that you are responsible for you and your daughter Daisy.
Aware that he is a weak and ineffectual man.
Aware, that the only way he can make himself any better than the smelly thing that comes out of a dog's backside, is to put you down.
Aware, that because you are tired and overwhelmed at the moment and so recently out of his toxic stink, you are affected by his words.
You will come out of this. Stronger, happier and wiser.
And living well (not money, happy and serene) will be your best response.
Again, you are now simply freer to do all that you were doing anyway, without the nasty put-downs.
Minimize any verbal exchanges. Just the facts ma'am!
He really isn't up to your standards.
Because you are fabulous!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
triggering...............triggering=trauma
he triggers you and you get re-traumatized into emotional/mental/spiritual tornado
easy to happen with the depleted energy of a single mom with a two year old!
anyway to protect yourself from the triggers? what can you do to batten down the hatches and soothe yourself after the trauma?
he triggers you and you get re-traumatized into emotional/mental/spiritual tornado
easy to happen with the depleted energy of a single mom with a two year old!
anyway to protect yourself from the triggers? what can you do to batten down the hatches and soothe yourself after the trauma?
Just Keep Swimming
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
I'm sorry for what you have been going through. The terrible two's are hard. One day you will look back on these days and be thankful for all the time you spent together. (I know you are thankful now as well, but one day you will miss even the bad days.) I hurt for my children that their AF misses so many important moments. But I am thankful that I haven't missed anything. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Some day she will be old enough to tell you that herself and that will make all of this worthwhile.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OH
Posts: 23
Do you have a legal custody arrangement? If you don't have a legal order saying he gets to see her, it might be easiest (for you and for her) to cut all ties now. That might not be the route you want to go, but I wish someone had told me that was an option when my son was a baby, before ABF became AH. (Of course, I am walking away from that marriage with more gained than lost-- I do now have two beautiful babies instead of one. So, thanks for that HP.)
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Hollyanne I love that post, it made me smile- especially the cheerleaders 
Leslie.. I don't know. I feel like I keep running at this same brick wall. I contact him/he contacts me. He shows one of several personas- headworker, manipulator, persuader, liar. I fall for it, he keeps it up for a while and then switches. I never know where I am with him. The nice guy persona was out in force this past week. That was kind of hard to handle, so I'm glad in a strange way that he's gone back to being a prize idiot..
Where was I heading? Oh yes. Damage limitation.. I guess at the moment I'm not doing TOO bad with that, I'm posting on here, keeping in touch with people from my meeting, seeing my support worker weekly for emotional support at the domestic violence project, attending meetings.. I need to work on being kind to myself though, I keep beating myself over the head with a metaphorical baseball bat! Do you have any ideas what else I could do to limit this?
GS- I hope you're right. Thank you. I really fear that one day she will turn around and say she hates me for keeping her away from her dad so much (she sees him once a week- if he chooses to turn up of course!). I guess I need to stay in today and stop trying to see into the future!
Leslie.. I don't know. I feel like I keep running at this same brick wall. I contact him/he contacts me. He shows one of several personas- headworker, manipulator, persuader, liar. I fall for it, he keeps it up for a while and then switches. I never know where I am with him. The nice guy persona was out in force this past week. That was kind of hard to handle, so I'm glad in a strange way that he's gone back to being a prize idiot..
Where was I heading? Oh yes. Damage limitation.. I guess at the moment I'm not doing TOO bad with that, I'm posting on here, keeping in touch with people from my meeting, seeing my support worker weekly for emotional support at the domestic violence project, attending meetings.. I need to work on being kind to myself though, I keep beating myself over the head with a metaphorical baseball bat! Do you have any ideas what else I could do to limit this?
GS- I hope you're right. Thank you. I really fear that one day she will turn around and say she hates me for keeping her away from her dad so much (she sees him once a week- if he chooses to turn up of course!). I guess I need to stay in today and stop trying to see into the future!
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beeswax im in the uk so things are a bit different I think, but not massively. The current situation is that social services have removed me and our daughter from the property, had my tenancy voided and stated that Daisy cannot live with him or be left unsupervised in his care. However if he takes me to court, which he will of I stop access, he can drag me through all kinds of crap and I'm not in a position to face that yet. I will be.. But not today. I want to jump into the custody legal situation fully armed for whatever he's going to throw at me- I've seen a solicitor and I've also got a support worker who can attend solicitors appointments and court with me. I want to me emotionally ready to face him on that level and right now I would go to pieces if I had to do that. I don't want to sound selfish, I want to be in the very best position for getting my daughter exactly what's in her best interests. If the situation deteriorates I will definitely stop access, I have already put in a boundary that I will not go to his home as I don't feel safe there with him; we meet in public now which is better for me but also for our daughter as she doesn't (usually) have to listen to him verbally attacking me
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Originally Posted by Windmills 
beeswax im in the uk so things are a bit different I think, but not massively. The current situation is that social services have removed me and our daughter from the property, had my tenancy voided and stated that Daisy cannot live with him or be left unsupervised in his care. However if he takes me to court, which he will of I stop access, he can drag me through all kinds of crap and I'm not in a position to face that yet. I will be.. But not today. I want to jump into the custody legal situation fully armed for whatever he's going to throw at me- I've seen a solicitor and I've also got a support worker who can attend solicitors appointments and court with me. I want to me emotionally ready to face him on that level and right now I would go to pieces if I had to do that. I don't want to sound selfish, I want to be in the very best position for getting my daughter exactly what's in her best interests. If the situation deteriorates I will definitely stop access, I have already put in a boundary that I will not go to his home as I don't feel safe there with him; we meet in public now which is better for me but also for our daughter as she doesn't (usually) have to listen to him verbally attacking me
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Posts: 500
I think stricter rules is a good idea. My fear of him still rules some of this stuff but I need to put that aside and stop being a doormat. I haven't told him how upset I am about all of this as I'm pretty sure that was his goal. Hmm.
What if I f*ck this up? I don't know enough about anything to be a good mother, I feel like I'm just guessing the majority of the time. I'm so scared I'm going to do this wrong and mess her up
What if I f*ck this up? I don't know enough about anything to be a good mother, I feel like I'm just guessing the majority of the time. I'm so scared I'm going to do this wrong and mess her up
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
There is no such thing as a perfect mom! Even the so called experts can't agree! You love her, you comfort her, your provide for her and you have her best interest in mind.
I don't know your faith, but reciting a scripture over and over can calm me down....if I remember to do it in my angry state. God sure can add peace to my heart when I ask.
I have also found taking a walk helps and the baby will enjoy it too. It's a win-win situation.
P.S. I love your honesty! Don't stop being YOU for a "man" who isn't worth your tears. You and your daughter deserve better and deep down YOU know this. Keep reaching deep down!! I have faith in you!
I don't know your faith, but reciting a scripture over and over can calm me down....if I remember to do it in my angry state. God sure can add peace to my heart when I ask.
I have also found taking a walk helps and the baby will enjoy it too. It's a win-win situation.
P.S. I love your honesty! Don't stop being YOU for a "man" who isn't worth your tears. You and your daughter deserve better and deep down YOU know this. Keep reaching deep down!! I have faith in you!
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