Parents...
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Parents...
Hi all,
Quick background - my husband and I have split up over his opiate use. I told him I wanted him to move out, but I never had any desire to go no contact. Our relationship has never been toxic, there has never been any manipulation, and although I know he needs to deal with his own problems, we spent 16 wonderful loving years together before his drug use began, and I still love him very much. He is a good, loving person who has gotten himself into a bad situation and needs to get himself out of it.
We are in effect, however, no contact at this time. His reaction to the loss of his family has been to really throw himself headlong into the abyss, and no one has heard from him since Tuesday morning. I would love to hear from him just to let him know he's loved by many.
OK, that wasn't such a "quick" background, but anyway...
My problem now is our parents. They are all having different responses.
His parents think "we all need to work together" to help him. I've tried letting them know that he is the only one who can help himself, but they seem to think I should be spending my days driving around looking for him to drag him off for his own good. Their biggest concern seems to be that he's not been going to school (he's a student.) I've told them there's worse things in this world than missing school, but they just don't get my point.
On the other hand, my parents have demonized him, really casting him as the "bad guy", which he isn't. They've got this "how could he do this to you" attitude. I've tried explaining that he's not doing this to anyone but himself, but they don't get it.
Combined, they're really adding to my stress rather than helping to make this time easier for me in any way, and I find myself avoiding their calls. How can I get them to listen and understand?
~Daisy
Quick background - my husband and I have split up over his opiate use. I told him I wanted him to move out, but I never had any desire to go no contact. Our relationship has never been toxic, there has never been any manipulation, and although I know he needs to deal with his own problems, we spent 16 wonderful loving years together before his drug use began, and I still love him very much. He is a good, loving person who has gotten himself into a bad situation and needs to get himself out of it.
We are in effect, however, no contact at this time. His reaction to the loss of his family has been to really throw himself headlong into the abyss, and no one has heard from him since Tuesday morning. I would love to hear from him just to let him know he's loved by many.
OK, that wasn't such a "quick" background, but anyway...
My problem now is our parents. They are all having different responses.
His parents think "we all need to work together" to help him. I've tried letting them know that he is the only one who can help himself, but they seem to think I should be spending my days driving around looking for him to drag him off for his own good. Their biggest concern seems to be that he's not been going to school (he's a student.) I've told them there's worse things in this world than missing school, but they just don't get my point.
On the other hand, my parents have demonized him, really casting him as the "bad guy", which he isn't. They've got this "how could he do this to you" attitude. I've tried explaining that he's not doing this to anyone but himself, but they don't get it.
Combined, they're really adding to my stress rather than helping to make this time easier for me in any way, and I find myself avoiding their calls. How can I get them to listen and understand?
~Daisy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
I would refuse to discuss him to either of them. His parents will always find some way to make this your fault and yours will just be negative. Your right he is the one who has to figure this out and all the talk in the world (with parents) is not going change that. I hope you have a neutral party to talk about your feelings F2F.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Daisy09 
Hi all,
Quick background - He is a good, loving person who has gotten himself into a bad situation and needs to get himself out of it.
He is living life as he sees fit to do and right now that does not seem to include "getting himself out of it."
We are in effect, however, no contact at this time. His reaction to the loss of his family has been to really throw himself headlong into the abyss, and no one has heard from him since Tuesday morning. I would love to hear from him just to let him know he's loved by many.
You have been with this guy for 20+/- years. He has not forgotten that he is loved by many. He knows he is loved. Right now, his addiction requires he protect and sustain it and nothing else matters. It's not personal.
My problem now is our parents.
Let's reframe this. Seems right now that the problem is your reaction to the parents. You have no more control over them and their reactions than you do your husband's. The more time we put into trying to control other people- getting them to listen and understand, the more unlikely we are to focus on the only thing we do control- our own reaction.
Combined, they're really adding to my stress rather than helping to make this time easier for me in any way, and I find myself avoiding their calls. How can I get them to listen and understand? ~Daisy
Quick background - He is a good, loving person who has gotten himself into a bad situation and needs to get himself out of it.
He is living life as he sees fit to do and right now that does not seem to include "getting himself out of it."
We are in effect, however, no contact at this time. His reaction to the loss of his family has been to really throw himself headlong into the abyss, and no one has heard from him since Tuesday morning. I would love to hear from him just to let him know he's loved by many.
You have been with this guy for 20+/- years. He has not forgotten that he is loved by many. He knows he is loved. Right now, his addiction requires he protect and sustain it and nothing else matters. It's not personal.
My problem now is our parents.
Let's reframe this. Seems right now that the problem is your reaction to the parents. You have no more control over them and their reactions than you do your husband's. The more time we put into trying to control other people- getting them to listen and understand, the more unlikely we are to focus on the only thing we do control- our own reaction.
Combined, they're really adding to my stress rather than helping to make this time easier for me in any way, and I find myself avoiding their calls. How can I get them to listen and understand? ~Daisy
If all it took was us dragging a loved one off to get and keep them off the dope, none of us would be here. If all it took was our love and support, none of us would be here.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Daisy, these must be tough days for you, even though you made a good decision, I know it hurts.
Your parents and his parents are probably angry and scared and looking for a "fast fix" and we both know that's not how it works.
Maybe just understand that everyone's emotions are tender right now and just take care of your own. You'll be okay, no matter how this unfolds, you will be okay, I promise.
Hugs
Your parents and his parents are probably angry and scared and looking for a "fast fix" and we both know that's not how it works.
Maybe just understand that everyone's emotions are tender right now and just take care of your own. You'll be okay, no matter how this unfolds, you will be okay, I promise.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It sounds to me like you have a very level head on your shoulders (which isn't easy when dealing with addiction). When people begin to pester me about how I should be handling things, I simply detach by minimizing contact for my own sanity. People yapping at me just clutters my already cluttered thinking. Sometimes a simple "I don't want to talk about this right now." does the trick.
Take care of you, k? We'll walk slowly with you as you deal with your issues one day at a time.
gentle hugs
ke
Take care of you, k? We'll walk slowly with you as you deal with your issues one day at a time.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Daisy, I have been in a similar situation with the "parents" and for ME, I discovered it was really my own conflict (how coud he?? and I want to help) that really stressed me out and tore me apart.
Working on the "conflict" was my first real struggle and letting go is my constant struggle...right now. I am working on that with meetings, a therapist, SR and books. I am work in progress....come join me in finding serenity, peace and health! I hear it is an awesome place!
Working on the "conflict" was my first real struggle and letting go is my constant struggle...right now. I am working on that with meetings, a therapist, SR and books. I am work in progress....come join me in finding serenity, peace and health! I hear it is an awesome place!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
