Emmaisdone

First I want to thank so many of you for being so open--I've been visiting this site for a couple of months and finally realized I need help.

I honestly don't know how I got into this situation, but I want it over. I mean I know how I got involved with a lovely, charming man, who turned out to not be either lovely or charming, and, as a single adult woman, I am well aware that you win some and lose some in love. I am okay being single. Unfortunately, I am involved with a seemingly bottom-less alcoholic and substance abuser, who also has bipolar disorder. I did not know any of this when we met, other than that he had BP. He's also some kind of online cybersex/porn addict.

This all came to light right after the New Year, when he started plummeting fast. He took off nearly his whole annual leave in Jan, so we could travel, which turned into no travel, multiple trips to the emergency room--one example: I arrived home after I took off on foot to town when I refused to get in the car with him since he was drunk and the whole front fence was down and he was no where to be found...until I got a call from the hospital--another trip to the ER with no memory of how he got there with a head injury. I went through some sort of out-of-body experience during those weeks. I even called the police when he went out drunk to buy more vodka and reported him for DUI. They never showed up. He was rarely coherent and increasingly suicidal, with psychosis and the whole sha-bang. I got as much professional mental health, physical health and addiction help for him as I could in a month (detox, 2 recovery programs, an addiction counselor, home mental health assessment visits daily and a psychiatrist), he cried and cried and asked for help, but to no end really. He's still drinking, drugging, and womanizing.

I broke up with him in late February and have not seen him since, went N/C with him and his family, endured suicide hostage threats and resolved that he was out of my life. Enter more crises, more ER admissions, and today he was finally fired from his company that he's worked for his whole adult career for showing up intoxicated at work a the beginning of April in a black out state he doesn't remember at all. He has no money, of course, but somehow gets his vodka, cigarettes and buys narcotics and benzos of questionable origin online. He's in the selling his belongings stage now, since he no longer earned enough to keep up with his habit and has maxed out his credit cards. Anyway...

I have no interest in this as a relationship, or friendship or anything. But he seems to have set a "reset" button, and is completely oblivious to the fact that I ended our relationship, have blocked him and deleted him and his family (who still try to contact me, which I ignore), but I am having trouble just walking away completely (further conversation would not be helpful or even comprehended on his end) since he is sooooooo sick and there is no end in sight. I do not think he will make it through this year, and I'm the last person standing to bear witness to his deterioration. He's lost his friends, is estranged from his family (except for his mother who checks in on him) and engages in all of his behaviors in total isolation.

Personally, I don't lecture him, I know I can't change him, and even if I could, this sort of drama/trauma is not okay with me. I've already had my say, did everything I could do, and now I just feel sorry for him and don't know how to handle this. He really is in some sort of compromised mental state and I am terrified to cut him off again, as he has made three serious suicide attempts in the past and has been treated in the ER as recently as 3 or 4 weeks ago for a suicidal crisis.

It's starting to take a toll on me...I think I'm trying to be compassionate towards him (in my head) but I'm noticing that I'm starting to withdraw from my friends and activities and I just want this/him to go away, but know it won't until I stop taking his calls. But I'm scared and I just don't want someone I used to love (or anyone!) kill themselves because I "trigger" it, even though I think the outcome will be the same...from an accident or something else--his liver is in the early stages of deterioration and I have no idea how long it takes for that situation to progress, but I don't think that will be the cause. It's really so sad. He's only in his mid-thirties.

I'm sorry this is so long...I have a therapist that I see weekly, but all the al-anon mtgs near me are listed as closed and I guess I need to vent a bit and see what others who are or have dealt with this have to say--it's really my fear of being a suicide trigger that is keeping me connected. Thanks for reading this far, if you have!!

MarkstheSpot

What a brave and affecting post, and I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Please stick around and keep posting. There'll be people along with better advice than I'm able to give, but in the meantime, someone's listening and someone's thinking of you. Good luck.

lillamy

Welcome!

You say you know you need to get away from this sick man, and yet you somehow feel responsible for him. You see your own behavior changing negatively because of the relationship. I think that is familiar to a lot of people here.

You can't help him. Or, rather, you don't help him by staying in touch with him, giving him money, getting him into another program, or whatever you were considering. You help addicts by letting them take the full consequences of their choices. That is the only way they can get insight into the fact that they are sick and they need help.

And so do we who love or loved them. I found that when I could take the focus off the A and consider myself, the panic over him eased up.

Al-anon. That's my Rx. They have helped me for the past six or seven years, and keep helping me after the alcoholic is no longer in my life on a daily basis.

You have a right and responsibility to take care of - you. Not him.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. Please continue to share as much as needed. We are here to offer support.

I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction when I first arrived:

I did not Cause the addiction
I could not Control the addiction
I will not Cure the addiction

The addiction belongs to the other ADULT in the relationship. In your case, a man in his 30's.

I tried to love my addict into sobriety. I tried to be his savior and rescue him from himself. I tried to be super woman and repair every path of destruction that was left in the wake of his addiction (alcohol and gambling). I lost touch with who I really was and became an angry, vindictive, manipulating, crazy hot mess.

I had to "let go or be dragged" as the saying goes. I got help for me through SR, Alanon, self-improvement books and support from a friend that counsels women.

In the sticky posts at the top of this forum page, I found a topic on "hooks that keep you in boundary-less relationships". I identified with several of the hooks that kept me in that unhealthy relationship. I will share the link to that post and maybe it will help you as well:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

SadHeart

Time to do that much for yourself. Not just an occasional therapist and giving up on Al-Anon because the close ones are closed. Find a meeting that's open even if you have to drive farther, talk to a psychiatrist (not just a therapist), get a full physical, do other support groups besides Al-Anon, and go truly no contact with him so if he threatens suicide you won't know about it.

It's not your job to keep him alive by being 'terrified' of what he might do; it won't even work. Your terror and your involvement won't stop him from killing himself if that's what he really wants to do. He's not your responsibility. He's his own. And if he's begging for help, there are more qualified people to help him than you.

Face your terror and do the right thing for yourself in spite of it. Isn't that what we expect addicts to do: face their terror of living without their DOC and do the right thing? It's hard to face terror without help, so do for yourself what you were willing to do for him: assemble a team of professionals and support people and attack this problem you have from all angles and on a continual basis.

Emmaisdone

Thank you all for replying. I'm pretty much past the fury stage, and gleaned much help from the "3 C's" I have seen posted here--I recite them daily!!! I'm not giving him any money, and have no idealized fantasy that I can help him. I thought his "problem" was bipolar-related when he started his rapid descent. Before that, I never saw him drink, even so far as denying that he drinks b/c of his bipolar meds and watched him decline alcohol at dinners out and even from "spa day" retreats and such. It was so hidden and I don't really drink and never smelled it on him until this past January, so I had no idea this was an issue for him. After all the pain I have seen shared here and elsewhere, I feel lucky that I maintained my independence and have not seen him since Feb. My chief stuggle is living with myself and my values of myself as a compassionate person--if he wasn't bipolar and a suicide risk, I think I would have changed my number by now. It's not like we have amazing conversations or anything--they last for about 10 minutes, I listen, then he thanks me for being supportive and "there." I guess I'm looking for "permission" and validation that I am not a "bad person" for just cutting off his access to me permanently without going through a drawn-out conversation. Pretty much, I just want to do the famous Houdini act, which I have never done before to anyone. I feel crappy. Again, thank you for listening.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, Emma. I, too, found the three C's a major comfort, and carried around a little note in my purse to look at everyday for over a year.

I am very sorry for your experience. For some folks, when they go downhill it can happen fast. My dear friend has the same story to tell. She said at the time, she had no idea the damage she was doing. At the time, it all felt fine and everyone else was crazy for bugging her so much. Everyone else was overreacting and giving her a hard time. My RAH has also said similar things...his thought was if everyone around him would just chill out and relax, all would be well.

We want to help our loved ones. That's normal. But there's a fine line between helping and enabling, and that line can be very blurry. But I view it as the line where I no longer feel comfortable about what I am doing, and it is making my life unmanageable. That's when I feel co-dependent.

Good for you for considering therapy to detach. There are books available, many in ebook format, on detaching. It is a daily process though!

Al-Anon meetings showing up as closed are probably not "closed" for new members, but closed for Al-Anon folks only. AA has open meetings and closed meetings as well. Closed means for the alcoholics only, and open means others can attend. Al-Anon is open to any and all who need it. Don't hesitate to walk through those doors. You will find like minded people there who you don't need to explain anything to, we just understand.

Hang in there,
~T

gerryP

Emmaisdone, is Emma really done?

"I guess I'm looking for permission and validation that I am not a bad person." I would give more thought to this statement. Who are you more concerned about?

Emmaisdone

I'm so glad I found the courage to post here. I appreciate the "sticky" and am guilty as charged of #9

I will definitely check out the al-anon meetings near me--as much as I was in denial before about needing those, it's clear to me that I am in a stuck place. I suppose the worst that would happen is they would say "no." I really appreciate the advice on that; this is pretty new to me and I thought back in Feb. that I was done. It's amazing how sucked back in I've let myself get, and that doesn't feel good either.

LifeRecovery

I have been going to Al-anon for two years. All but four months of those two years I have not had anyone directly in my life that struggles with Alcohol.

There are only open meetings where I live, but I would have no problems going to closed meetings if they were here. Your posts to me sound like you are a "friend or family" of someone with an alcohol problem. For me what I learned transferred over to affairs, bipolar (with another loved one etc). I am glad you posted.

Emmaisdone

Thanks-that's interesting and helpful to know that the after-effects last long after the relationship ends. He was my serious boyfriend for over a year and we were discussing marriage when the house of cards just fell. In a complete free-fall that I never saw coming. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, I was on auto-pilot emotionally during that time trying to get him help, while becoming a total CSI agent uncovering and unweaving a whole relationship of lies. I was very close to his family, and feel that when I breakup with someone, I breakup. I don't want long conversations with his family about what he's now done, etc. I've been his emergency contact, which is why I knew what was happening and have taken steps to end that with his care providers. There is no happy ending with him, the trust bonds are completely destroyed, but I am struggling with knowing what the best thing is for me vs. feeling very sad for the state he's in and I do cry a lot over his waste of life. I did once love him very much and he was wonderful and fun and smart, but he was leading a false life with me and I don't even believe that I ever really knew him at all anymore. I think I know how this story will end and it won't be pretty, either way.

I've decided not to take anymore calls for the weekend at least and go out with friends tomorrow and focus on me again and hit up an al-anon mtg. I'm just tired and gutted.

Thank you all so much for your honesty and compassion. Really, it means a lot.

EnglishGarden

When he no longer reaches you by phone, he might call AA instead, his Higher Power may direct him to a meeting, and there he will find others who have lived through terrible pain and fear and loss, and he might feel safe and he might come back for another meeting. Just try to remember that there are meetings everyday, everywhere, that he is welcome, he is wanted, by those who found a way out. They can do for him what you cannot. It's all right to release him and pray for him.