inpieces314

This is my like, 4th thread in 4 days or something like that. Sorry.

Anyway, so he called this morning to tell me he was fired. And then proceeded to come to my house to cry and feel sorry for himself about it. I actually felt really bad, and he is taking responsibility for it, so that is a step up.

Of course I asked if this would now be a good time to quit drinking, and he said he's not drinking that much. Yeah, okay.

He is living with friends, I confirmed that one, a bunch of drug addicts who use him for his money, and he admits it. I said, I give it a week before they kick you out because you now have no money.

Then it got to his sister, who I have been complaining about all week, I can't stand her. About how she is destroying my life and he is letting her use him and what is he going to do to support her now that he has no job? About how he can't really blame the alcoholism on how his life is falling apart, he has had this job for 8 years, and he has been an active alcoholic the entire time, and they know it because they paid for him to go to rehab 3 years ago. He needs to put the responsibility on his sister, who coincidentally moved here a year ago, when things started to fall apart for him, when he started paying all of her bills and she was stealing everything from him. And still is. He claims that he took the car away from her, took the phone away from her, blah blah blah.

I said I don't understand why she just can't leave me alone, I blocked her number, I don't talk to her, I have nothing to do with her, and she is still threatening me, harassing me, and plotting to steal my kids when I am not around, and you are all up in it like white on rice, so who is controlling who here? Obviously, not me. He claimed that she had no idea he was bringing the kids over, and I said it really does not matter to me, I don't want them around her, she is no good for them, or me, or you.

He says, "Yeah, well, she's my sister, no matter what she does." Now is a good time to mention, she is a meth addict, and she is the equivalent of a dry drunk. No meth, but constant manipulation, lying, cheating, stealing. It makes me sick. Codie much?

And the saddest thing is, he hasn't seen her in 14 years before she came here. He doesn't even KNOW her. Literally. I printed out her criminal record, it's pretty bad. He doesn't even KNOW. And honestly, I don't care what she does, but don't involve me or my kids.

He says he will take me to court, but that's hard to do with no money. And it's not like she is going to help him.

If I keep my mouth shut, he will see. But it's so hard to let her continue to destroy MY life, and he LETS her do it.

So anyway, he got mad and left, and he has 2 cars. While I watched him leave in one of them, she had the other one across the street from my house. I took pictures. She has no license. And I know for a fact that he left work and came straight to my house, and has no phone, so there is no way she could have called to ask to borrow the car. Not that he would let her anyway, because she already got caught driving on no license.

So, she stole his car. And wasted all this gas that he can't afford because he no longer has a job. But I am the evil b****.

He got scared when I said I will call his mother and tell her what is going on. Because his mother also hates her. Because of what she did to me. She isn't her mother, by the way, but she made up all these lies about me, and told his parents, who have never met me, and it was a horrible horrible thing. When they found out she made the whole thing up, they were very mad, to say the least.

Anyway, what the hell is wrong with an alcoholic to not realize that the people that are trying to help you are the ones you should be around? That if you want to see your children, you better not **** me off, because I am their only legal parent? That the reason why your sister does what she does is because you let her get away with it? Is it just me, or what?

suki44883

He is going to do whatever he is going to do. Same with his sister. Continuing to fight with him about her is getting you nowhere. If you have blocked her phone and she still figures out a way to call just hang up and then block that number. Pretty soon, she'll run out of phones to use. Don't answer calls from numbers you don't know. If she texts, save the texts to your computer and keep a record of her harassment. It could be helpful if you decide to take out a restraining order on her. The only one who can LET her destroy your life is you.

inpieces314

My state doesn't give out restraining orders unless there is a serious threat. I have already talked to a lawyer. Unless she actually attempts to kill me, she will not get a restraining order. Period.

This is MY state! She needs to go back where she CAME FROM!

dollydo

Well, if I remember he is also a drug addict, not just an alcoholic...so, they could very well be doing meth together, hence the continued relationship.

What are your plans with him?

The way to stop all the drama is to go no contact, you keep putting yourself in the middle of the mess, calling his mother isn't going to change a thing, he is an adult, he will do what he wants to do. Using the children as wedges is very selfish, they do not need to be put in the middle of this mess, they are innocent victims of his addiction and your codependency.

Are you attending Alanon meetings, if not, I would suggest that you do so.

inpieces314

Neither of them do meth anymore, that is why they are both here and not where they belong. He keeps saying I am fighting with her because I don't want the kids to see his family. His parents have never met me or the kids, and I told him I will be driving out there (it's 19 hours, God help me with 2 kids) for his family to see them. They all live out there, they are the only 2 here.

I don't have a problem with his family. I have a problem with her, because she is crossing the line, and I am tired of it. This is the dealbreaker right here-me or her. The kids, or her.

And it's not even that. I have no problem going over and talking to her, and we can have our issues and she can still see the kids. But she needs to realize her boundaries here. Which my therapist says is his fault-he hasn't established any boundaries with her, and she just walks all over both of us because of it.

It's not just me, she does this to everyone she knows. She has no friends left, her husband is leaving her, and yet she still continues to insinuate herself into everyone's business. Leave me alone! Geez, is that so freaking hard!?

The thing is, she is breaking all kinds of laws all the time. I could really get her, if it comes to that. All I want is for her to stay out of my issues with him. We have plenty of issues without her trying to end it, so why does she continue to bother me?

inpieces314

I am also trying to work things out with him without going to court because he will never see the 5 year old again. And while I don't care about his feelings on the issue, or hers, I do care about how that will hurt my son. He may get the 5 month old, but he will never see the other, and I can't do that to my own child. But he keeps telling me I caused everything with her and I am paranoid and I am making things up. I have proof!

dollydo

"So why does she continue to bother me? "

Cause she knows it pisses you off.

Speaking of bounderies, what are yours with him? You can't control him, you can only control yourself and have your bounderies in place.

Good luck, I hope this all works out as you want it to.

inpieces314

He knows my boundaries. No drinking/drugs around me or my kids.
No taking them places I don't want them to go.
No disrespecting me in front of them.
Help me pay my bills if you want to live here.
Go away and don't bother me at all about anything, including the kids, if you want to break them.

Which is why we are where we are. Because he stole my kids from me and took them to her house against my will because she told him to do it. Who knows what happened to them and who did what to them and what all was going on? I know he was drinking, I know neither of the kids ate anything, that is all I know.

So he knows we are done. And if he just went away and left me alone, I would be fine. I already did this once with the 5 year old's sperm donor, it's nothing I haven't been through before.

But don't threaten me with court because you think you are right. Even if you WERE on anyone's birth certificate, you still have NO right to take them ANYWHERE against MY will because I am the custodial parent. Regardless of what she says.

inpieces314

I think the reason why she does what she does is really simple. And this is not the first relationship of his that she messed up, and he has a twin brother who she did the same thing to during those 14 years they weren't speaking.

There are like 6 brothers, and she is the only sister. She is jealous. Straight up, clear cut, simple. She knows that if he gets mad at me he is going to her house, where he is not going to be with me. Complete jealousy. He doesn't know a great deal of what she has done because I don't feel like fighting with him about it and she lies about it. She doesn't do any of this stuff in front of him, and manipulates him when she knows it will work. He falls right into it. And I am not stupid. I know that the only way for him to get over it is to let it play out, because she is going to do something that really is going make him mad, and then he will cut her off.

He knows what a waste of life she is, and how she is using him, and what she is all about. He will sit there and tell you all about it. But he is codependent on her, and lets her do it to him. I really can't blame him, up until he pulled that stunt with the kids I was letting him do the same to me.

Pelican

He took them
He took them to her house

These were the choices HE made. No one held a gun to his head and made him take the children there. He chose to take them somewhere that would not meet with your approval.

But instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he is blaming his sister for making him do this unacceptable behavior.

He is classic.
Blame-shift, minimizing, lie-like-a-rug, alcoholic.

Why are you expecting reasonable, sane behavior from him?

suki44883

He knows my boundaries. No drinking/drugs around me or my kids.
No taking them places I don't want them to go.
No disrespecting me in front of them.
Help me pay my bills if you want to live here.
Go away and don't bother me at all about anything, including the kids, if you want to break them.

Those are not boundaries, they are rules. Boundaries are for YOU.

Rule:
No drinking/drugs around me or my kids.
Boundary:
I will not allow myself or my kids to be around him when he is drinking/drugging.
Rule:
No taking them places I don't want them to go.
Boundary:
I will not trust him with my kids if he even once takes them where I do not believe they are safe.
Rule:
No disrespecting me in front of them.
Boundary:
I will not allow myself to be disrespected.
Rule:
Help me pay my bills if you want to live here.
Boundary:
I will not allow someone to live in my home without contributing financially.
Rule:
Go away and don't bother me at all about anything, including the kids, if you want to break them.
Boundary:
I will not associate with someone who disrespects my boundaries.

See the difference?

marie1960

Seems to me you are allowing this sister way to much power and control over YOUR life. .

A very wise old man once told me. "When you marry one you marry all of them" (referring to the family dynamic) Just something to thing about......... blood will always remain thicker than water....... good luck to you.

laurie6781

I agree totally with what has been posted here for you.

That being said, I do understand that you are being HARASSED and STALKED. This is what is happening. Here is what you can do FOR YOU. Keep taking pictures like you did, every time there is a call from her, mark down the date, day and time (phone records can be checked by the police). Start checking your State's STALKING LAWS as what this woman is doing is STALKING.

When you feel you have enough 'evidence' to show the constant and continuing actions, go TO YOUR DISTRICT ATTORNEY and request that charges be filed. That will not be a 'restraining order.' That will be jail time.

Now in the meantime, go NO CONTACT with him. Try some Alanon and/or some one on one therapy FOR YOU. Work on you. Since you say he is not on little one's birth certificate, he would have to go to the trouble of 'proving' he is the father, ie DNA etc, order by the Court, and since he is an alcoholic and/or drug addict he won't waste the dollars.

Is there anything 'holding' you there in the state you live? Is there maybe somewhere else you have always dreamed of living? This might be something else for you to look into, moving to another area of the country.

A big part of all this is you STILL having contact with someone who has PROVED to you that he is IRRESPONSIBLE. Certainly not someone you want to have any influence over your children. And children are little sponges and soak up EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. NO sense trying to figure out why, there is no answer to that.

Please take care of you and your children. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

ps: I have personally had to do most of the above at one time or another to protect myself and my children.

inpieces314

The only time he ever sees me is in MY house that I pay for, so he should follow MY rules in MY house. It's not like I am the one going out looking for him. I am at home with my kids when I am not working. I don't go anywhere else, I have no money and no friends. So he is the one always hunting ME down. So when he shows up drunk, I kick him out. Why should I be the one to leave my own house because he disrespected my boundary of being drunk around me and the kids?

inpieces314

I agree with you, that is what my therapist said as well.

Unfortunately, he took responsibility for that one, he said she had no idea the kids were even coming over. I don't care.

Imagine all the horrible things that were said in front of my kids. I mean, if she is going to tell his parents all this horrible stuff, I bet the stuff she is telling my son is even worse.

It really burns me up how someone can be so cruel to everyone she knows, have zero concept of morality, and still continue to get everything she wants. Where's the karma at?

suki44883

No one said you had to leave your house. In your case, not allowing someone around you or your kids has nothing to do with YOU leaving, it has to do with not allowing him in your home. It is all about controlling your own environment. He is going to do whatever he is going to do. You can't change that. Same with his sister. It's up to YOU to have peace in your home and the only one you can control is yourself and how you choose to deal with these things, or NOT deal with them, as the case may be. No one can upset you unless you allow it.

theuncertainty

Sending, hugs, inpieces314. I really want to second Suki's post above. I know how hard it is, finding serenity by taking control of my own space. My initial reaction to hearing that was (and honestly, often still is) "but... but... HE ____! How can I possibly find peace when he's doing that after I've asked him NOT to with DS?!" And I have to OFTEN remind myself Laurie's statement that I will never understand why AXH does what he does.

WHY does AXH insist on putting DS in the middle of grown up decisions, on making DS the go-between? Oh, a multitude of reasons come to mind, but I don't KNOW which one - or combination of - is true. If I feel I MUST have an answer, I tell myself, "Because AXH is an immature, abusive, vindicitve, a--hat and that's all the answer you're going to have, TU." I repeat it to myself until I'm tired of hearing it, or until I realize I have something better to spend my time on. I'm pretty darn stubborn, so it's a toss-up on how long that takes. Unless DS is home, and then I realize quite quickly - HEY! I'd rather blow blue and orange bubbles! or search for grasshoppers! or __! Or unless I have plans to do something with Fam or Friends.

And, oh, I KNOW, it's different: AXH putting DS in the middle of adult conversations and taking him over to what I feel/know is an unsuitable home. I know and I understand your point about his sister. I could have just as easily typed "insist on taking DS to hang out with his drug-using-tweaking buddy, when said friend and HIS kids are being monitored by child protective services..." or a plethora of similar situations. The thought of these situations makes my heart clench. The short of it is, unless and until something happens, the WHAT-IF's don't matter. It sucks. I hate it. But it is.

I may not like what AXH does with DS, but I can not control what he does or does not do. Here is what I CAN DO:

• NUMBER 1. Make sure that DS knows that with ME he does have one parent he can trust and count on to be a parent, to love him, guide him, support him, treat him like the young child he is (without pointing out that his father is an a--hat)
• Make sure that DS knows what the court requirement for supervised visits is (again without pointing out that it was his father's past actions that made this necessary)
• Make sure that DS knows what constitutes an unsafe situation
• Make sure that DS understands what to do if an unsafe situation happens
• Make sure that DS knows how to get in touch with me and other safe grown ups (who we BOTH trust: my sister, my brother-in-law, my Dad, my Mom, his friend's parents....)
• Make sure that DS knows how to contact the Police, Fire Department, Ambulance / Emergency Services and when calling them is appropriate / necessary.

Here is what I do to protect my environment:

• AXH is not allowed in the door. (Helps that there's a no contact order in place.)
• His enablers are currently not welcomed either. A couple are tolerated for brief periods as long as there is no discussion of AXH and his problems.
• Drinking to excess is not tolerated in my or DS's presense by any one that I spend my time with nor is recreational drug use.
• I'm decorating my space the way I want it and tossing anything (or in the case of photos of DS's father - putting away where I can't see it) that causes me anxiety.

There are probably more for both lists....

inpieces314

This is what I know. I live in a small town, everyone knows everyone, and because of the first sperm donor, who lives around the corner from me, I don't do anything here at all. I hide all the time because I don't want to see him, I don't want him to see his son who he has never seen, I don't want it to stress me out. Now, there is a whole other family and bunch of friends and deadbeat dads I need to avoid as well. And I am tired of it.

I would leave but my parents live here too, and they help me with babysitting and whatnot while I work. And I also couldn't take them away from their grandkids.

I put WAY too much time and energy into avoiding people and situations, when in reality, it's probably not as bad as it seems. It sucks, and it makes me extremely angry that I have to hide out like I am the one who did something wrong, but it works.

I just want to live my life. I just want people to leave me alone. I want his sister to stay out of my life like I am staying out of hers. I have no problem with him going over there (well, I do, but I realize that she is his sister and they are going to have a relationship) and spending time with her, I have no problem with him talking to her, I have no problem with any of that. But I want no part in it. And by association, my children will have no part in it. That is a goal for myself-stay out of stressful situations. And that definitely is one of them.

Oh, and just so everyone is aware, his sister lives in a duplex. The person living in the other side of the house is none other than his ex wife. Yeah, that brings it to a new level.

choublak

No, it doesn't work. That's why you came here to this site.

inpieces314

I am talking about hiding out from my ex. It works in terms of it's been almost 6 years since we broke up, I still have not run into him in 6 years, even though I live around the corner from him.

The current ex, doing the same thing would not work. He won't leave me alone.