choublak

But my father seems to think I am.

"I've have ask my lawyer to make Mom an offer. If she takes me back I will agree to give her everything, all my money, all the houses, everything if I ever cheat on her again, or leave her. I will put in writing in a signed contract. Please ask her to consider it. Also, please ask her to do it. Please! I'll never ask you for anything else."

"If I ever cheat on her, she would not get just half, but 100%. I'll put that in writing and have the lawyers make it official!"

"He made that offer 3 weeks ago, but we haven't heard anything one way or the other. I'm just wondering if her lawyer didn't tell her about the offer."

Can someone "translate" this? I didn't think you could put empty promises into a written contract.

tbeit

Maybe she's not interested Maybe she's done.No amount of money can buy piece of mind. Why are you the messenger he has a lawyer tell him to call them

choublak

The lawyer already has but they haven't heard back from my mom's lawyer yet.

choublak

I told him, via text, that no amount of money can buy peace of mind. And he says:

"Can you at least ask her? I'm willing to do anything to keep her and save our marriage. I'm not the devil! This will ensure her that I would never cheat on her again, that would give her peace of mind."

choublak

And now,

"You act as if you want her to leave me"

suki44883

Sounds to me like she's already left him but he just hasn't accepted that fact. It's sad, but it's also wrong of him to try and put you in the middle. I'd just tell him that I will not pass on any messeges and to stop texting me about his marriage problems.

cmc

choub...when I'm asked to be an intermediary I redirect that request back on the one asking- to take care of it for themself.


General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
•It's not okay to talk about problems
•Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
•Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
•Be strong, good, right, perfect
•Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
•Don't be selfish
•Do as I say not as I do
•It's not okay to play or be playful
•Don't rock the boat.

I thought there was a sticky about this but quoted the above from:
Codependency Symptoms – Recovery from Codependent Relationships

choublak

My mom has a restraining order on him so he couldn't really be direct, even if he wanted to...

inpieces314

Hopefully, he has realized the error of his ways and is ready to accept responsibility, finally.

Sadly, it is too late for him. He needs to realize this and let her go, because he is only going to upset her more. If he really did care, and this isn't just empty promises, then he would do that because that is what she wants.

theuncertainty

Hugs, Choublak. Just because your father can't talk to your mom directly, and just because his lawyer hasn't heard from her lawyer in no way makes this your responsibility. It is the responsibility of the lawyers to communicate, especially since there is a restraining order in place.

One thing I have to remind myself often is "No" is a complete answer. I don't have to justify why I don't want to do it. I don't have to explain. Just one word "No."

Seren

If it were me, I would have to send my father the following message:

"Dear Dad,
I can't help you with your relationship with Mom. I will not engage in any more conversations on this subject. If you try to bring it up, I will hang up the phone or refuse to return your e-mails and texts. If, however, you would like to talk to me about how I am doing or about how you are doing exclusive of your relationship with Mom, I'll be happy to chat.
Sincerely, your loving daughter."

You could, of course, simply block his number for a period of time....

Hope it gets better soon!

Cyranoak

For God's sake listen to Hydrogirl.

Freedom1990

And so he continues to dump his garbage on you, and you accept it.

Apparently you are getting some kind of payoff for this.

I was a hard learner, still am as a matter of fact. I don't make changes until I'm in enough pain or mad enough to get it done.

marie1960

"My mom has a restraining order on him so he couldn't really be direct, even if he wanted to... "

That would be the only answer I would ever need.

Sorry your dad is trying to involve you, but you have the option of saying NO.
Stay strong.

laughabledog

You are not a lawyer, but I am and this is not legal advice and I don't practice in your state, but most restraining orders also prohibit contact via third party friends or family. So if he is asking you to contact her, and she has a restraining order, and you do it, he will be in violation. Look into it and use that as an even better excuse to stay out of it.

Cheating is a ball and chain that never lets go. If you are cheated on, or feel like you will be, you are always looking for signs that it will happen again. Some people can let it go and stay, some don't want that pain. You forgive but never forget. Money doesn't buy security and heal betrayals

choublak

I live in a different state from my parents, who live in the same state.

And, wouldn't it usually say so on the restraining order?

inpieces314

I wouldn't even worry about it to this level.

She got a restraining order for a reason. She obviously wants nothing to do with him. More power to her for making sure he can't bother her.

The question is, do you want to make her mad at YOU, too?

choublak

Mad at me? For what? I'm not actually telling her any of this.

lillamy

Just because Choublak's parents aren't talking doesn't mean Choublak can't talk to both of them.
Matter of fact, it would be just as pathological for the mother to expect a child to break contact with the father as it would be for the father to expect a child to act as his intermediary.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't care how old we get, we still want our parents to behave like adults and be responsible and caring... Hydrogirl's letter was awesome, I thought.