First Post: New beginning?

Old 04-18-2012, 10:48 PM
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First Post: New beginning?

I've visited this site a few times before. Usually on my phone in bed, late at night, crying and feeling sorry for myself while my ABF is downstairs drinking, muttering to himself, stumbling around, spilling things, ...passing out on the couch and waking up in a pool of urine...

Everything I read on this site is so familiar, like it is for all of us. There is this endless cycle of drinking and depression. My emotions are so tied up in his actions it's no wonder I feel out of control. I feel like if I leav him then I'll be a coward, not strong enough to stand by him and get through the tough times, but If I stay it's because I'm not strong enough to leave.

He can be hard on me when he drinks. Telling me it's my fault, breaking things he knows I care about, embarrasing me in front of friends and family... but no where near as hard as I am on myself! "Maybe if you were prettier he'd love you enough to stop", "If only you were smarter, you'd have left by now", "If you leave, you'll be alone forever and NEVER be able to have a 111family"...I know it's all BS...but I can be very pursuasive when I want to be.

My ABF is only young. He turned 29 yesterday...that's why he's out o a binge at the moment I guess. From what he and his family have told me, he's been drinking solidly like this for over 10 years. He's hardly ever held down a job and until he started seeing me 2 1/2 years ago, he still lived at home with his parents. He is the classic example of the drinker who never has to face up to the concequences.

Why are they all so damn charming when they're sober? Is it because they KNOW they are doing the wrong thing by you and so they have to make up for it during the sober times?

We've been through so many ups and downs. Now when I think about it, the "Ups" were really just what all relationships are supposed to be like. Loving, supportive, fun... How come none none of my friends' relationships seem to have these kind of problems? Why me? Because I chose him. Why Him? Because he chose to drink.

I have read the "10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One" post, and I have to admit I cried the entire way through it. I am guilty of doing ALL of the things you're not supposed to do.

He has tried to stop drinking lots of times. He says he knows it's a problem. But deep down I think he thinks it's everyone else who has the problem. He just likes to party! He's been to AA meetings (I would have to drive him there, because he lost his licence for drink driving) and then I would have to sit out the front in the car and wait, because sometimes he would sneak out and up the road to the pub. There are few things more annoying that picking up your drunk boyfriend from an AA meeting. He sees a psychologist now...some days are better than others.

I want to have a family so bad. I keep telling myself that he is the perfect person for me when he's sober, and he might be. But it's like I'm in a relationship with two different people at the moment...and the drunk one I wouldn't trust around my kids!

I have a good friend who's father was an alcoholic until he died when she was only 17...then her Mum became an alcoholic. She says that if I ever had Children with my ABF, she would never speak to me again because she knows how bad it was growing up with that kind of father.

I can't stop thinking "WHY ISN'T LOVE ENOUGH?!?!?!?!?" Will anything ever be enough?

Starting today I'm going to try and stick to the 10 ways family members can help...if nothing else, hopefully it will help me to regain a shred of sanity.

I want to thank everyone who posts on here. Your stories make me cry, but they also give me strength. xxx

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Old 04-19-2012, 02:14 AM
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Hello, kayelle, Welcome to SR!

I'm glad to hear you have been doing so much reading. It really began to bring a little sanity into my own life when I started reading here!

I wish I could tell you that love is enough. Sadly, we are simply not that powerful. As another moderator says "If love were enough to cure addiction, none of us would be here".

Originally Posted by kayellelove4
I want to have a family so bad. I keep telling myself that he is the perfect person for me when he's sober, and he might be. But it's like I'm in a relationship with two different people at the moment...and the drunk one I wouldn't trust around my kids!
The problem is, you are not in a relationship with 2 different people. If you accept him, you have to take him as he is right now. Is his behavior acceptable? It certainly doesn't sound as though he would be a capable, responsible husband or father to me.

I hope you will stick around, keep reading, and believe that you deserve so much better treatment.

Welcome again! HG
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Old 04-19-2012, 02:31 AM
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He needs to stop drinking. To stop drinking he needs to accept he has a problem. Accepting he has a problem requires a massive change in his thinking.

But what? The DUI hasn't done it. Visits to AA haven't done it. The psychologist isn't doing it. Jesus -- what's it going to take? Do you want to be around for the precipitating event that finally convinces him he needs to stop? No.

And in the meantime, newsflash: waking up in a pool of urine is not acceptable. It's not how people live.


.
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Old 04-19-2012, 02:34 AM
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Marks has it spot on Kayelle, if it is bad now, it will only get worse, and take it from me as an alky.
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Old 04-19-2012, 04:40 AM
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Hi Kayelle,

Welcome. He is not two people... he is one person. I never wanted to believe that about my XA as I romanticized his sober behavior and villianized the alcohol to perpetuate the "victimhood" of my A to his "disease".

Being a class A opportunist that 99% of all alcoholics are he happily played the part that I signaled with my own behaviors an expectations to take advantage of the fantasy that I desperately wanted to believe would come true.

My story with my A is all written and it was not the happy ending I envisioned... yours is now being written one heartbreak at a time. I closed the last chapter two months ago after four years of rehabs, AA meetings, hospitals, jails, court cases, counseling with pastors, psychiatrists, alanon, dozens of books on the subject matter.

You are the author of your story... you are creating your future one decision at a time. Life is series of choices that determine our destiny.

For the last year and half of my story it looked good on the outside to others... he was sober, working and had achieved mending many broken relationships with family members. But I saw troubling signs that his recovery was taking a back seat to other things. Meetings became less frequent until they were just not a part of his life. His Big Book and spirtual time became a two minute devotion reading.

Fortunately for me I had spent the year and half on this website every night. Instead of reading books about alcoholism I had book after book on Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependency. I had gone to counseling for myself and attended alanon.

I knew that an A who wasn't treating his alcoholism was going to relapse just an alcoholic that isn't EFFECTIVELY treating his alcoholism isn't going to get sober!

I had told him I had no more relapses in me... I was a washrag that was wrung out. That if he played russian roulette with his sobriety and drank I was DONE... period.

He drank. No surprise on my end. I packed his stuff on day one. He flew to Vegas and has been there for over two months now. Abandoned all of his responsibilities with his business interests and partners as well as his two preteen kids.

And thats how it is when we decide to hitch our wagon to the alcoholic star... we can suffer stoicly and by sheer force of will and determination DRAG them to being dry drunks for even long periods of time. But it is a time bomb ticking and just waiting until it will explode again into full blown alcoholism.

The only way a partner of an alcoholic has any hope of a GOOD life... a somewhat normal life with an A is if they want it as much we do and they are willing to whatever it takes to become WELL... healthy mentally and spiritually fit.

That takes WORK... daily hard work. It takes commitment. determination. desire.
character. faith. real love (not empty promises and words).

My A had moments of this. Even months at a time. Usually with some big consequence over his head to motivate. Once that was removed the party started and alcohol would be back in full force.

Only you can decide what you are willing to settle for but your A isn't motivated and interested in real recovery. And as an ACOA I beg you not to even consider children with a person who is has not been healthy and sober for at least 2 years... even then you are going to have children that very possibly carry the addictive presdisposition to addiction.

Prepare for the worst instead of fantasizing for the best to happen. Get a good counselor for YOURSELF... one who knows addiction. Get in a good alanon group. Read books on codependency... all of them you can get your hands on. Hang out with us girls who have been there and have the tshirts and scars to prove it.

Be ready in season and out of season. If he gets better it won't be because of your handwringing and tears... in fact the opposite. Your drying your tears and moving forward in YOUR life will get his attention!

You can make it. You can change your life! Take care of you and give your A to his higher power as that is the only one who can really help him.
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Old 04-19-2012, 06:22 AM
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Hi, kayellelove4. Reading your post made me think of my own situation, except it's my fiancee. She also, at times, says she has a problem, but I'm not sure that she really believes that. She won't go to meetings, though. She says that the people there are swapping one addiction for another--instead of drinking, they go to AA. She's convinced that she can stop drinking with sheer will power, and that she can be a casual drinker. The problem is, we tried casually drinking, and it ended up with her having a panic attack that led to an at-home detox. A week to the day after her last drink, she asked me if we could grab a beer. I was floored! I said that I didn't want to, and she said that as adults, we ought to be able to have a drink now and then. When I told her to remember our "experiment" with casual drinking, she said that we "didn't do it right." Apparently, in her mind, we should have started with beer instead of wine.

Based on the advice I'm getting in this forum, I'm going begin attending Al-Anon meetings. Maybe you should try too, Don't let him brow-beat you into not going (this is a fear that I have with my fiancee). Make it clear to him that the meeting is for you, not him, and that if he wants to get better, he needs to look into AA.

I really wish love were enough. I love my fiancee with all my heart, and I tell her so several times a day, but the desire for alcohol remains. That said, I believe that love is an important component. Yes, the alcoholic needs to recover for themselves, but I think it is helpful to remind them that they are missing out on what could be a wonderful life with their loved ones through their drinking.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-19-2012, 06:52 AM
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"I want to have a family so bad"

Why would you want to start a family with someone who cannot even take care of himself? A good father is a man who can take care of his family. An unselfish man who works and provides, is loving, nurturing, and solid as a rock.

You are an adult woman and are hurt by this guys actions. You really want kids to grow up feeling like you do now?

Love will never cure the disease of alcoholism. Without treatment, this disease will only progress, so the unacceptable life you are living now, is only going to get worse in years to come. Keep reading and posting, you are not alone.

Peace.
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:05 AM
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A simple thing to remember when dealing with this. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde are a package deal. You can't get one without the other.

So, unless you are happy with both....


Your friend,
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:18 AM
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Eventually, he will have to own up to what he has done. That is a fact.

That does not mean he will admit it to you, or even that you will still be together. Maybe you will get tired of it and leave beforehand.

Maybe he will get arrested. Maybe he will make his family mad. Maybe he will die. Either way, the consequences for his actions are going to catch up to him, and he will pay for it. That doesn't mean you have to wait around for it though, because it is just going to drive you insane. Do what you need to do. If you want to wait on him, do it. If you want to leave, do it. Only you know what is right.

But I guarantee you, things will not change until he does face the consequences. And like I said, who knows when that will happen or what it will take for him to do so?
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:25 AM
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An alcoholic who cannot stop drinking and is not in recovery for life will never be or become a good responsibile parent...you are playing lets pretend, might be time to get real.

It would be very irresponsible to bring a child into the world with him. I know, I lived in the home of an alcoholic and I would not wish that dysfunction and abuse on anyone, let alone an innocent child.

Might be time for you to get yourself into therapy so that you can sort this all out, sounds like you are just spinning your wheels.
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:32 AM
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I wanted a family so bad also. Today I have 2 beautiful daughters. Their dad is nowhere around. I left him 2 years ago. It didn't get better...the drinking, when we had our first daughter. It got worse. Then with the 2nd it got A LOT WORSE.
I love my girls and wouldn't trade them for the world. But I wouldn't recommend having children with this man, someone you can't trust. I couldn't trust my XAH at all. I went to work and they went to daycare, which I paid for, while he got drunk all day and messed up the house that I paid for.
Life is a lot better now, as far as single parenting goes. It's hard on this kids sometimes, father/daughter things that they don't get to do. And as much as I try to hide it and show a strong front, it's hard on me too. Being the sole financial, spiritual, parental support for children is rewarding but EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. Unless you are ready to give up YOUR life for your children ( LIterally, you have no time to yourself as a single parent) please, please, please don't consider having children with this man. For your sake and theirs.
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post

It would be very irresponsible to bring a child into the world with him. I know, I lived in the home of an alcoholic and I would not wish that dysfunction and abuse on anyone, let alone an innocent child.
My mother told me the other day, she never wanted me to get into a relationship with an alcoholic. She is an ACOA and my grandfather just died two weeks ago, almost 4 years sober, thank God, because he was horrible when drinking, which he did for 40 years, and I am glad that he got to recognize that life wasn't all the evil that drinking made him think it was. Anyway, she said that as hard as it was for her being a child of an alcoholic, and there was all the abuse and codependent mother stuff going on, she cannot imagine how hard it would be to be the spouse of an alcoholic.

For me, I don't care, it is my choice to be around him. But I look at my 2 kids, and I know that I don't want them to grow up in the same type of household my mother did. She doesn't even talk about what happened as a child. Ever. It damaged her that much. I can't imagine doing that to my kids. Even though I am not the alcoholic, I am the codependent mother. I am my grandmother, and I am making the same mistakes.

Trust me, it's enough to make you want to stop the madness.
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Old 04-19-2012, 08:08 AM
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Welcome to SR, kayelle. It took a lot of courage to tell us your story so honestly.

You sound terribly alone and isolated. Many of us recognize your situation of being held hostage to an alcoholic. The inconsistency of his affections keep us tethered to him. He is loving and warm and we surrender. Then he splits into the addict personality and is hard and cold and we are bereft and beg for his attention and affection.

It is a relationship of dominance and submission. It is intense. So the good times are intense and the bad times are intense. We slowly adapt to this crisis atmosphere until it becomes our normal way of life.

Yes, many alcoholics can be very charming and lovely when they are up. My AH was a college professor and adored by his students who hung on his every word. He was one of the most interesting men I have ever known. And a monster when drunk. The lovely days were lovely enough that I kept giving him second chances to get sober. But he just couldn't. Some just can't. I couldn't understand why he couldn't just stop drinking, why he became a different man when he was drunk, and why he so resented me when I was loving to him.

But I read about alcoholism and the organic biological changes to the brain of an alcoholic and about the way the primitive part of the brain--which has no morals--overtakes the developed part of the brain--which is spiritual and empathic. And I was able to accept my powerlessness to change his brain.

Recovery for an alcoholic is a slow, deep, shift in consciousness and it happens when an alcoholic, over time, works with other alcoholics and counselors. We cannot give an alcoholic anything he needs. What he needs will not come from us.

I know how painful your life is. I am glad you found SR. Reading this site keeps me in reality and helps me accept it. Mental health is not so much about feeling happy. It is about accepting reality. That's what SR can help you with.
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Old 04-19-2012, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by kayellelove4 View Post
I want to have a family so bad. I keep telling myself that he is the perfect person for me when he's sober, and he might be. But it's like I'm in a relationship with two different people at the moment...and the drunk one I wouldn't trust around my kids!

Another way of looking at this is that you are in something that pretends to be a relationship with a drunk. The rest is a hopeful fantasy of the man you want and need him to be.

I can't stop thinking "WHY ISN'T LOVE ENOUGH?!?!?!?!?" Will anything ever be enough?
That's your ego talking.

I can appreciate that you want a family and it sounds like you have achieved your goal with this child in an adult body. Hardly works, lived at home with the parents till you allowed him to move in with you. He lost his license and you are the mom driving him to sober practice, cept that this naughty naughty boy sneaks out the back door, while you sit in the car.

Your love, time and money is not going to turn him into the hopeful fantasy of the guy you want. You are not that powerful. None of us are. He's living his life as he see fit to do. When is it time to send him home to his birth mom?
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Old 04-19-2012, 10:00 AM
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Think about the air you breathe. You couldn't stop breathing, no matter who told you to, no matter who offered you whatever amount of money, no matter what. You need it to survive.

This is alcohol to an alcoholic. They forget how to breathe, they think they need the alcohol to survive. And the really sad part is, they do. Their brain cannot handle the withdrawal. No matter what anyone says, or does, they can't stop until they are willing to go through the withdrawal and realize that no, it's not the alcohol, it's the air they need.

It takes forever for them to realize it. Relapse will happen. You will end up back where you started. It does not matter to them. They get stuck. No one can get them out of their grave unless they do it themselves. Sometimes they don't realize it at all, and end up dying of cirrhosis or cancer or whatever. Either way, don't think for a second that there wasn't someone there for them at some point who loved them, and thought that love would be enough. It wasn't.
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Old 04-19-2012, 10:01 AM
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Oh girl ya gotta start changing the voices in your head! Quit bein so hard on yourself. Self affirmations will do you good. "I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am loveable". These affirmations will give you esteem, strength and happiness. I know this situation feels overwhelming.... starting with affirmations is a good start
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
I wanted a family so bad also. Today I have 2 beautiful daughters. Their dad is nowhere around. I left him 2 years ago. It didn't get better...the drinking, when we had our first daughter. It got worse. Then with the 2nd it got A LOT WORSE.
I love my girls and wouldn't trade them for the world. But I wouldn't recommend having children with this man, someone you can't trust. I couldn't trust my XAH at all. I went to work and they went to daycare, which I paid for, while he got drunk all day and messed up the house that I paid for.
Life is a lot better now, as far as single parenting goes. It's hard on this kids sometimes, father/daughter things that they don't get to do. And as much as I try to hide it and show a strong front, it's hard on me too. Being the sole financial, spiritual, parental support for children is rewarding but EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. Unless you are ready to give up YOUR life for your children ( LIterally, you have no time to yourself as a single parent) please, please, please don't consider having children with this man. For your sake and theirs.
Thanks Lilmissunshine,

This really put some points into perspective for me.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:36 PM
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Thanks everyone for your replies. Sorry I haven't been on here in a while since my first post, but things have, naturally gotten hectic with work and family and life in general.

I'd love to say things have improved, but they haven't. I'm just considering my options until my lease runs out in a few months, and then I'll have to seriously consider moving away from the area. It's the only way I'm going to be able to move on.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, empathy and advice.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:55 PM
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oh hun ((( ))) i know how you feel about thinking you are living with to people i often feel like i'm married to 2 people and i totally understand about wanting a family and you feel robbed because they are taking that away from you. i'd love another one and its not cause i'd want another child with a drunk its because i want another baby and its not a feeling i can switch off. its also kind of dreaming you can have a normal life.
i wish there was a magic button i could hit for him to stop drinking for you hun but there isn't but in no shape or form is any of this your fault.
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