DoinThis

After 8 weeks sober I gave in over Easter. Inlaws were here for 2 weeks and it felt so normal to open a wine every night (they love a glass with dinner). I kept it under control but literally overnight the obsession started. Constantly thinking when it was the appropriate time to open a bottle and hanging for happy hour. So much so I felt irritable half the time waiting for that moment.

They've been gone a week now and I've drunk 4 out of 7 evenings. Not as much as before as my tolerance is down but the obsession is as bad as it ever was!

I think I want to be normal so bad and find it so hard to accept that I'm not and continue to think it's going to be different every time! I was TIRED of recovery but drinking is sooooo much more tiring! I know I have to amp things up, all I was doing was SR but couldn't read while inlaws were here, thinking AA again but my mind is screaming I DON'T WANNAAAAA! I guess noone chooses to be an alcy but I must accept I am and try try again....hence my post here.....

Dee74

I don't think anyone has an easy time accepting the reality DT....most of us just want to ignore the problem and hope it will get better...I know I did...but it doesn't get better it gets worse.

Whether it's AA or something else, I hope you will decide to add something to what you're doing...

Life is pretty awesome without that weight around our necks

D

awuh1

The notion of “normal” jumped out at me from your post. I think sometimes we equate the word with the notion of being “without flaws”. This is just not the case with anyone. It’s our flaws that help to define us. Not so much by the nature of those faults but by the way that we handle them.

Just imagine if you actually looked like Dees picture does today!

DoinThis

I cried when I read it gets worse.... I MUST stop Now! B4 then....

And I laughed when I read your post awuh....imagine if I looked like that!

DoinThis

Thinking about how I said 'normal'. I guess I meant 'how I used to be'. Loved a drink but kept it under control and it was always fun.

Anyone who disbelieves alcohol stops working for u, it definately has for me. No happy place, just fogginess, dizziness and guilt....

Dee74

I think we all cross a line...how we used to be is somewhere we can't get anymore.

I believe we can reach a place where we not only find peace about that but we prefer not to be there

and I do kinda look like my avatar

D

DoinThis

Haha....then u need to shave Dee!

Your words amaze me, always accurate! U are worth your weight in gold!

DayTrader

Coming to grips with the fact that I'd crossed from party-drinking into alcoholic drinking was not an easy admission for me.

Recognizing that alcoholic drinking would continue to get worse, as it had been, was tough too, but a little easier.

Believing that a life of not drinking, getting sober, practicing a bunch of new principles to live my life by would be pretty cool and that how I viewed just about everything would change......that was impossible to believe.....until I experienced it first hand.

I'll keep you in my prayers that you get the willingness to give it a try yourself.

nonblondechef

As a self admitted perfectionist I think I equate normal with perfect. Spending years doing the best I could and feeling that was never enough led me to increased alcohol consumption which after a glass or two made me feel incredibly relaxed and accomplished. Somewhere along the way I became addicted to that feeling and used that as my reward for all my efforts. If I had a ribbon for every time I rewarded myself in the past 12 years I would need to live in a flipping palace. I am slowly embracing normalacy and absolutley loving sobriety. I may not be perfect but I know I am worth the effort I am now putting out to be genuine and "normal". I'm Tammi, alcoholic. Thanks for this thread :-)

LDT

Once we cross that blurred "line" of what some refer to as "normal" drinking, we just really cannot go back. I didn't want to have to work so hard at moderating, so I quit completely. And It's so much easier now.

And Dee looks fine.....half the people in New Orleans look like that on a normal day

Purplecatlover

I'm sorry you gave in. It sounds like you'd been battling the urges. Have you read about AVRT? Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey?
It wouldn't hurt to read this book. It might make a whole lot of sense.
It might free you from the constant battle within.
It might be the best $5-9 you'll ever spend.
It helped me.
No obsession. No struggling. Freedom. Now that is living.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you. You can do this!

DoinThis

Thanx for reminding me, I need to check it out. From the beginning I've distinguished my AV from the real me and always think of it as a voice and not my own. Trouble is its been too strong lately. Convincing me that the voice IS me.....

Definately need to read some more as before I even heard of AVRT I felt like I was being controlled by 'the beast'.

Anna

Whatever you choose to call 'the voice', recognizing it for what it is, is a big step forward. I learned to hear the voice and dismiss it. And, more importantly, I learned to be 'quiet' and to listen to my soul.

Hevyn

DoinThis - You're probably going to be more determined now. That bad experience can strengthen you - now there's further proof that all bets are off when you take that first sip.

You can do it - we know you can. A better life is waiting for you.

2granddaughters

Once the cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never be a cucumber again.

All the best.

Bob R

DoinThis

Haha....love it Bob! Thanx everyone

Hevyn

Hope your day's going well DoinThis.