How do I get him to go to the doctor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
How do I get him to go to the doctor?
I am kind of new here. I joined (wow I can't believe it was that long ago) in 2007. I have never posted that I remember. I wish I had posted then so I could read back on it, but anyway.....
I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. I never realized when we married that he was alcoholic but it has progressed as the years have continued. I now know that he has been alcoholic for as long as I have known him. I am currently unable to attend meetings because I live in a small community and they only have them once a week at a time I cannot go.
My life is very intwined in his and is very complicated as we have many investments and a business that we run jointly which makes it very difficult to just leave even though that may be the best idea.
We have 3 teenagers with only one still living at home. Unfortuately our kids have very hard feelings toward thier dad and I have been placed in the middle of many problems and issues.
My current issue is that I am starting to get very concerned with his health although he sees it as not an issue and he will laugh and say it is not a problem.
He has always been very smart and never seemed to forget any detail. Now he forgets things, gets easily confused, and sometimes he slurres his words even when he isn't drinking. He will tell me something and then say he didn't say it or he will swear he told me something he didn't tell me.
He is starting to have issues in the bedroom.
When he gets out of the hot tub sometimes his heart pounds for a while.
He gets drunk 2-3 times a week and drinks 5 days a week. He can drink 10 beers in 3 hours and not even seem drunk.
He has frequent blackouts (sometimes more than others).
He has a red face all the time and a couple years ago when he passed out due to falling off the roof he had major purple veins all through his nose and chin.
He is 50 years old.
Things at work are starting to suffer due to his mental issues. I am starting to worry how long he will be able to keep up.
He doesn't drink during the day only at night and on the weekends.
How do I get him to go to the doctor?
When I ask he just laughs and says I read too much and it isn't a problem.
I am afraid if he keeps drinking and ignoring these problems that he will go crazy and ruin our business. He is the main head guy and I can't even imagine if he gets a lot worse what will happen to our company. I am worried that others in our company are starting to notice and we have employees that depend on us. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now not knowing what the future holds and how I will be able to handle it if his mind continues to deteriorate.
I wish he would get help and stop drinking but he refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem. If I get him to read about alcoholism he goes into even more denial. What I see as alarming symptoms he sees it as see I am not that bad. Since he has a business, wife, kids, and not sick he feels like he is not that bad.
Sorry so long but thank you for listening.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. I never realized when we married that he was alcoholic but it has progressed as the years have continued. I now know that he has been alcoholic for as long as I have known him. I am currently unable to attend meetings because I live in a small community and they only have them once a week at a time I cannot go.
My life is very intwined in his and is very complicated as we have many investments and a business that we run jointly which makes it very difficult to just leave even though that may be the best idea.
We have 3 teenagers with only one still living at home. Unfortuately our kids have very hard feelings toward thier dad and I have been placed in the middle of many problems and issues.
My current issue is that I am starting to get very concerned with his health although he sees it as not an issue and he will laugh and say it is not a problem.
He has always been very smart and never seemed to forget any detail. Now he forgets things, gets easily confused, and sometimes he slurres his words even when he isn't drinking. He will tell me something and then say he didn't say it or he will swear he told me something he didn't tell me.
He is starting to have issues in the bedroom.
When he gets out of the hot tub sometimes his heart pounds for a while.
He gets drunk 2-3 times a week and drinks 5 days a week. He can drink 10 beers in 3 hours and not even seem drunk.
He has frequent blackouts (sometimes more than others).
He has a red face all the time and a couple years ago when he passed out due to falling off the roof he had major purple veins all through his nose and chin.
He is 50 years old.
Things at work are starting to suffer due to his mental issues. I am starting to worry how long he will be able to keep up.
He doesn't drink during the day only at night and on the weekends.
How do I get him to go to the doctor?
When I ask he just laughs and says I read too much and it isn't a problem.
I am afraid if he keeps drinking and ignoring these problems that he will go crazy and ruin our business. He is the main head guy and I can't even imagine if he gets a lot worse what will happen to our company. I am worried that others in our company are starting to notice and we have employees that depend on us. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now not knowing what the future holds and how I will be able to handle it if his mind continues to deteriorate.
I wish he would get help and stop drinking but he refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem. If I get him to read about alcoholism he goes into even more denial. What I see as alarming symptoms he sees it as see I am not that bad. Since he has a business, wife, kids, and not sick he feels like he is not that bad.
Sorry so long but thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My stbxAH surely has a ton of health issues and I spent a long time trying to convince him to go to the doctor bc of the impact of his drinking on his health.
Your AH should undoubtedly go to the doctor but think about it this way... he denies that he has a problem (as all addicts do otherwise the addiction can't thrive right?). So, even if he goes to the doctor he's not likely to take anything that they say seriously and surely is not going to be honest with a doctor about his lifestyle.
You are wishing he'd think and behave rationally and all your points about why he should go and your concerns are valid and serious. But he isn't able and willing to think/act rationally and you're going to undoubtedly go round and round this issue with him and just wind up more stressed out than you are now. Hard as it is you can't force someone to save themself no matter how much they need it.
Your AH should undoubtedly go to the doctor but think about it this way... he denies that he has a problem (as all addicts do otherwise the addiction can't thrive right?). So, even if he goes to the doctor he's not likely to take anything that they say seriously and surely is not going to be honest with a doctor about his lifestyle.
You are wishing he'd think and behave rationally and all your points about why he should go and your concerns are valid and serious. But he isn't able and willing to think/act rationally and you're going to undoubtedly go round and round this issue with him and just wind up more stressed out than you are now. Hard as it is you can't force someone to save themself no matter how much they need it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is an adult, when he is ready to go to the doctor he will, when he is ready to stop drinking, he will and not one minute before....many never do or decide to when it is too late.
You can wish and hope all you want, it won't change a thing.
Are you going to Alanon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do. Your children have been directly affected by your husbands drinking, there is no business or financial arrangement in the world worth loosing your children over. And, there is not any business that cannot be unravelled.
Work on you, get healthy for your children, there is nothing that you can do for your husband, it is all up to him.
Take the time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family and Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of knowledge at your fingertips.
You can wish and hope all you want, it won't change a thing.
Are you going to Alanon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do. Your children have been directly affected by your husbands drinking, there is no business or financial arrangement in the world worth loosing your children over. And, there is not any business that cannot be unravelled.
Work on you, get healthy for your children, there is nothing that you can do for your husband, it is all up to him.
Take the time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family and Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of knowledge at your fingertips.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
I can so relate to this. My A is sixty and drinks every day. He looks terrible and a few weeks ago he was having stomach cramps, vomiting, couldn't eat. I suggested that he see a doctor and his reply was ¨Why? They'll just tell me to stop drinking.¨ Which he is clearly not interested in doing. I walked away and let the subject drop. As others have said above, he will go to a doctor when he's ready. Or not. Just like he will only stop drinking when he is ready. Or not. I hope you will put your focus on you and take care of yourself. Alanon is a big help and so is this forum. By the way, welcome to the forum! I hope you will keep coming back. There is much wisdom and support here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
You can't "get" anyone to do anything...not really. IMO,it's time to start protecting yourself financially because he's on his way down, and if you're not careful, he's going to drag you down with him. Your children need you to be healthy and sane...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Thank you all for your response and support.
I have been to Al Anon and as I stated in my previous post I cannot currently go because I live in a small community and they only have 1 meeting a week at a time that I cannot go.
My son and I are both in counseling. I have worked with a lawyer and my counselor at protecting myself and the kids. I will not go into details but to say that as everyone has stated I cannot make him go to the doctor or quit drinking. I am protecting us as much as I can and at this time it isn't possible for me to leave. I have left in the past and that is another whole story. I am prepared to leave at a moments notice if that becomes necessary all plans have been made including advance preperations if that becomes necessary.
I am thankful to everyone for your imput and was looking for suggestions or others experiences with the same issue.
I know I cannot do this for him I was just hoping for maybe an idea of a diffrent appoach.
I have been to Al Anon and as I stated in my previous post I cannot currently go because I live in a small community and they only have 1 meeting a week at a time that I cannot go.
My son and I are both in counseling. I have worked with a lawyer and my counselor at protecting myself and the kids. I will not go into details but to say that as everyone has stated I cannot make him go to the doctor or quit drinking. I am protecting us as much as I can and at this time it isn't possible for me to leave. I have left in the past and that is another whole story. I am prepared to leave at a moments notice if that becomes necessary all plans have been made including advance preperations if that becomes necessary.
I am thankful to everyone for your imput and was looking for suggestions or others experiences with the same issue.
I know I cannot do this for him I was just hoping for maybe an idea of a diffrent appoach.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
sunny34,
I understand your very real concerns about his health and the effect it is having on your life, your children's lives and employees the company supports.
I am a recovering alcoholic. If you were able to get him to a doctor, what do you think would happen next? The doctor says, "You are extremely ill, you must go to inpatient treatment immediately (after a medically supervised detox) and I suggest at least 6 months of inpatient treatment, with intense outpatient treatment after that.
What I read about your husband is that he either doesn't care (my father was like that and finally died from cirrhosis at the age of 62) or is deeply in denial about the effects the alcohol is having on his life. I was blacking out nearly every day, and had convinced myself no one was getting hurt but me. Well, my children were hurt badly, my ex was an addict, so we had no marriage to speak of, I was in the Army and I certainly was not present for my job.
The doctor would tell him, you are very sick and need help. He will deny he has a problem, or get angry and add this to his list of "reasons I drink". Resentments, oh boy.
Reality has no hold on an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not reasonable people. The brain has been hijacked and won't let go unless he willingly and completely gives himself over to recovery.
I was lucky and was ordered to rehab by my command. While waiting for a bed (about 6 months) I took antabuse. When my head started to clear, I was sooooo happy about rehab. Six weeks inpatient. Fantastic people who cared about me, and helped me care about myself. Wow, and wonderful hugs from the counselors.
I could use a hug right about now, how about you?
:ghug3
Beth
I understand your very real concerns about his health and the effect it is having on your life, your children's lives and employees the company supports.
I am a recovering alcoholic. If you were able to get him to a doctor, what do you think would happen next? The doctor says, "You are extremely ill, you must go to inpatient treatment immediately (after a medically supervised detox) and I suggest at least 6 months of inpatient treatment, with intense outpatient treatment after that.
What I read about your husband is that he either doesn't care (my father was like that and finally died from cirrhosis at the age of 62) or is deeply in denial about the effects the alcohol is having on his life. I was blacking out nearly every day, and had convinced myself no one was getting hurt but me. Well, my children were hurt badly, my ex was an addict, so we had no marriage to speak of, I was in the Army and I certainly was not present for my job.
The doctor would tell him, you are very sick and need help. He will deny he has a problem, or get angry and add this to his list of "reasons I drink". Resentments, oh boy.
Reality has no hold on an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not reasonable people. The brain has been hijacked and won't let go unless he willingly and completely gives himself over to recovery.
I was lucky and was ordered to rehab by my command. While waiting for a bed (about 6 months) I took antabuse. When my head started to clear, I was sooooo happy about rehab. Six weeks inpatient. Fantastic people who cared about me, and helped me care about myself. Wow, and wonderful hugs from the counselors.
I could use a hug right about now, how about you?
:ghug3
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Hi sunny,
Even if you get him to the doctor, it may not matter. My wife goes to the doctor and the doctor knows she is an alcoholic. The doctors patch her up the best they can and she continues to drink. I know she's dying and she knows she's dying. All I can do is hope.
I'm sorry you are under such stress. I have discovered that the wonderful people here on this board are helping me to emotionally survive. It sounds like you are preparing for your survival. I wish you well.
Even if you get him to the doctor, it may not matter. My wife goes to the doctor and the doctor knows she is an alcoholic. The doctors patch her up the best they can and she continues to drink. I know she's dying and she knows she's dying. All I can do is hope.
I'm sorry you are under such stress. I have discovered that the wonderful people here on this board are helping me to emotionally survive. It sounds like you are preparing for your survival. I wish you well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Thank you for your responses. I forget names and am new to quotes and things but each one's words have meant so much. They are also very true. Oh and thanks so much for the hug, I needed that it made me feel much better and hugs back to you.
I cannot make him go and you are right. If I did get him to go he would not go by what they said. I think he is not only in denial but he cannot see that alcohol has destroyed the person he was.
Just like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is so true. I know in my heart I can't help him because he will not let me or anyone else. He has admitted to the counselor a few years ago that he is an alcohoic and he will never quit drinking and even though we have been married 20 years he has never one time really tried to quit drinking. He says he will never go to AA.
It is hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that someone could act so blind to all the things that he obviously has to see as problems. I mean how can you not see that getting drunk 2-3 times a week is normal.
I worry that this is the beginning (or middle) of the end and I must stay strong and keep working on keeping myself in a position to carry on no matter what. His mental deteriation is the absolute scariest thing for me. Yesterday he made a huge mistake that resulted in the workers having to work an extra 4.5 hours to make up for. Not to mention the actual cost involved and the fact that we now have to pay overtime for a mistake that he would have never made a year ago. He sees his mental problems and gets so mad and says he doesn't know what his problem is but yet when I ask him to see a doctor he laughs it off. Deep down he knows he just refuses to see.
One of the frustrating things is if this was a job for a boss he would have lost it long ago and if not before, yesterday would have been the clincher but since he is the boss it gets overlooked. All of the employees cover for his mistakes.
Anyway, I must keep getting better for myself and it is getting easier to see that all of this is due to alcohol. I am a survivor, I have been my whole life. I will make it through this and come out stronger and better. It is sure scary at times but with everyone's help we will all make it through this difficult time even though all our situations are different we all have one thing in common. WE ARE SURVIVORS.
Thanks so much for your support. I was feeling so down but I am feeling much better. I think I just needed to hear someone else say that I really can't make him and even if I did it wouldn't matter. I mean I know that in my heart but there is this little corner in my soul that feels like there is always one more thing I can do that will save him but in reality I know he can only save himself the same as I can only save myself.
I cannot make him go and you are right. If I did get him to go he would not go by what they said. I think he is not only in denial but he cannot see that alcohol has destroyed the person he was.
Just like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is so true. I know in my heart I can't help him because he will not let me or anyone else. He has admitted to the counselor a few years ago that he is an alcohoic and he will never quit drinking and even though we have been married 20 years he has never one time really tried to quit drinking. He says he will never go to AA.
It is hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that someone could act so blind to all the things that he obviously has to see as problems. I mean how can you not see that getting drunk 2-3 times a week is normal.
I worry that this is the beginning (or middle) of the end and I must stay strong and keep working on keeping myself in a position to carry on no matter what. His mental deteriation is the absolute scariest thing for me. Yesterday he made a huge mistake that resulted in the workers having to work an extra 4.5 hours to make up for. Not to mention the actual cost involved and the fact that we now have to pay overtime for a mistake that he would have never made a year ago. He sees his mental problems and gets so mad and says he doesn't know what his problem is but yet when I ask him to see a doctor he laughs it off. Deep down he knows he just refuses to see.
One of the frustrating things is if this was a job for a boss he would have lost it long ago and if not before, yesterday would have been the clincher but since he is the boss it gets overlooked. All of the employees cover for his mistakes.
Anyway, I must keep getting better for myself and it is getting easier to see that all of this is due to alcohol. I am a survivor, I have been my whole life. I will make it through this and come out stronger and better. It is sure scary at times but with everyone's help we will all make it through this difficult time even though all our situations are different we all have one thing in common. WE ARE SURVIVORS.
Thanks so much for your support. I was feeling so down but I am feeling much better. I think I just needed to hear someone else say that I really can't make him and even if I did it wouldn't matter. I mean I know that in my heart but there is this little corner in my soul that feels like there is always one more thing I can do that will save him but in reality I know he can only save himself the same as I can only save myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by sunny34 
Anyway, I must keep getting better for myself and it is getting easier to see that all of this is due to alcohol. I am a survivor, I have been my whole life. I will make it through this and come out stronger and better. It is sure scary at times but with everyone's help we will all make it through this difficult time even though all our situations are different we all have one thing in common. WE ARE SURVIVORS.
I walked away from an abusive EXAH once upon a time, and never regretted that decision. I have survived that, survived my own addictions/alcoholism, and codependency I left unchecked for far too long.
Sending you hugs of support and walking with you in this journey of healing and recovery.
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