enodm

I clearly see the "cycle" he gets drunk and rude with me.. tells me to get out of HIS house (I pay half the bills).. two days later he is sorry and needs to quit drinking... he stops for a week or two and things are good. He starts drinking again, the blow up happens and it keeps happening over and over!!

This last blow up, he went after my son for sticking up for me. It was terrifying, I have never seen my AH so angry and he would have really hurt my son if he wasnt held back. Luckily he left to work out of state for 5 weeks, so I can try to figure things out while he is gone. I am torn on what to do!! I love him THE SOBER him, I hate the drunk him. He wont quit drinking & he is always the victim.

This is my chance to get out, but why is it so hard?!?!

changeschoices

It doesn't end until the addict decides to get sober...or until you decide you are eliminating the cycle from your life by moving out.

I would move out now while the timing is perfect and he's gone. Maybe he will decide to get sober and you can get back together at some point. But I'd say he sounds like he's getting to a breaking point and is potentially dangerous, so I'd move out ASAP. Also, you could lose custody of your son if you stay...I know it's horrifying to hear that, but it's true.

Your story is exactly the same as mine in terms of, he drinks, then stops for a week or more, then drinks, etc. etc. My A is coming tomorrow to pick up all of his belongings, which I've packed up and put in my garage. I'm done with the cycle.

Last year, I could never have imagined life without him. But by the grace of God, now I can do it. I took my teenage daughter and her friend out last night to go shopping for makeup, went to Starbucks and stuffed ourselves on cake lollipops, and had a wonderful time. We sang along to music in the car at the tops of our lungs, we giggled...The contrast between how happy I am without him and how miserable I was with him hit me upside the head like a two-by-four last night.

I know you can't believe it now, I didn't believe it before when all my friends and family were telling me, but you CAN do it and you WILL be happy again.

Katiekate

It ends when you end it.

They will never leave, or put you out of their lives, not really.

Freedom1990

It's been my experience that it ends when I make the necessary changes to my life, not on waiting on someone else to change.

I also quit trying to figure out the "why" and took action first to remove myself from dysfunctional/dangerous situations. Then I could sit down and figure out why if that was still important to me.

m1k3

For me it ended when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

Your friend,

marie1960

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

It truly is and endless vicious cycle.

how old is your son ?

I can assure you, in time , the situation will only escalate. Sending you a big hug of support as you begin to sort your life thru.

Tuffgirl

I kept waiting and waiting for my RAH to see that changing meant him addressing his issues too. He finally came to that realization after I left. And by then, my life had become so unmanageable I didn't care what he thought or did any more anyway.

Find the courage to change the things you can. Its amazing how much we really can change ourselves!

enodm

My son is 21.. He is a RDA today he has 90 days!! YAY for him!!

Thelma

If he choses to continue to drink the SOBER him no longer exists. I go through the same thing with my AH. I do nothing around the house, I don't contribute financially, I'm never there for him. Thank goodness we have no children. The short periods of sober do not outweigh the L-O-N-G periods of drunken abuse. The fact that he went after your son, for me, would be reason enough to leave. If he did it once he will do it again and there may not be anyone around to intervene next time.

nodaybut2day

The sober him and the drunk him are one and the same person. Are you willing to accept him as he is today, sober and drunk versions? Because that is the only person he is willing to be.

Leaving is hard because it requires breaking old habits, forming new ones and potentially taking on the mantle of the Bad Guy Who Left. All super hard stuff to deal with.

Mavis1

Once you make the decision, when you really truly see your relationship for what is it exactly right now and make the final decision to move ahead with your life, that's when it gets better. He may never get better, change is difficult, we are co-dependant with the alcoholic, we are happy when they are sober, in total chaos and have tons of drama and trauma when they are drunk. life is so hard sometimes even without the booze as a factor but so much easier not having it in our lives. we have survived leaving them and are happy again and content and have a sense of peace and normal in our daily lives and don't have it destroyed on a whim by the addict. good luck in making a sound decision for you and your son. it was only me - you have him to think about too..don't think he doesn't know what is going on, children are so hurt by alcoholism...this I know. m

enodm

I hate that the sober person and the drunk person are one in the same!! That put a lump in my throat. As silly as it sounds I have never thought of it that way!!
AND, NO I am not willing to accept him that way...

Lilmssunshine

YOU are in control of YOUR life. Do you want to be happy? YOUR in control of that too. The cycle will end when you realize your in control of your own happiness. I've learned that its not worth having the sober person only half or a quarter of the time. Its not enough to feel fulfilled. There are people out there who have what it takes to give you all of themselves...not just half. You deserve the person you love ALL the time.

nodaybut2day

Since you are not willing to accept him this way (and I wouldn't either), and since nothing you do or say can change him, what's left for you to do? Perhaps it's worth it for you to reflect on this...

dollydo

What is your payoff? There is a reason why you stay and accept his abuse. Might be time to rethink your point and purpose in life.

Freedom1990

That is fantastic!

Are you attending Alanon or Naranon? Alanon has been a tremendous resource for me.

I had a lot of emotional damage from my abusive EXAH, and later with my oldest daughter's addictions.

Alanon helped me heal and start making better decisions in my life.

enodm

I am not attending meetings, but am going to start. My AH is being mean and nasty via text.. Luckily I have shut my phone off. Today I am feeling exhausted, drained and angry!!