dvd5904

I find myself faced with a conflicting predicament often. My GF is staying pretty active with her drug & alcohol use. She goes to meetings and calls her sponsor pretty regularly. She always seems to make double effort when she sees that her family and I are getting frustrated with her. I’m not sure if it’s a pacification move or a legitimate effort to get sober. What I do know is that she is not ever sober for more than a few days at a time and even those are questionable. What I’m doing to cope is detaching, which means to me, stepping back and letting her have the dignity to make good or bad choices. I do not allow myself to suffer for the bad ones and accept that it is her choice & her responsibility. There have been a few instances lately when I felt it almost impossible to detach from what I was seeing. The first occasion we were out for dinner and shopping. I noticed all day that my GF was acting odd. I think you all know what I mean. As the evening went on the oddness became undeniable intoxication. She began to stumble and talk non-sense. One of her doc’s is sedative/hypnotics aka ambian. I simply stopped walking in a store with our cart and said, “baby, I don’t know what you’re taking, but please don’t take any more tonight. You’re getting to be a mess.” At first I was met with the usual lies, defensiveness, and aggression. After much reassurance and staying calm I was able to convince her to stop fighting and turn to me not away. It was a first! It changed the whole evening. Sure she was a mess, but we didn’t fight about it.

The next time this happened was yesterday. We had to go to court for an argument that I posted about a few weeks ago. I was able to get it dismissed but we still had to go to court. To my disbelief my GF met me for court intoxicated! Her pupils looked like needle points and she was pretty scatterbrained. I considered that maybe she was just very nervous (maybe trying to rationalize the physical signs). We made it through court without anything bad happening and went out for dinner. It was there that I confronted her about the intoxication. She was becoming very angry and snappy with me. I watched her sitting across the table barely able to keep her eyes open. Knowing that she would be driving home in a few hours I felt that I had to say something. I said the same thing as in the above episode, ““baby, I don’t know what you’re taking, but please don’t take any more tonight.” Only this time it was met with all out denial and aggression. We went home after an unpleasant dinner and she laid down to nap I suppose. I hoped she’d rest a while and maybe leave sober or as close to it as possible. She didn’t. She got up after about 15 minutes and was ready to go, still mad, still under the influence. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want her driving for hers and everyone else’s sake. I wasn’t about to try and physically stop her so I reluctantly watched her drive off hoping that no one got hurt.

My question is do you EVER confront your loved one about their drinking/using? My GF has expressed many times that I make her feel judged when I say anything about it even though I assure her that I’m not judging, just concerned. I don’t tell her she’s bad, wrong, or any other condemning thing. When it’s getting bad and the situation could be harmful I simply ask her to stop what she’s doing. I’d like to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks in advance.

bluebelle

That is one of many things that I tried with RABF when he was on drugs. I tried not saying anything. I tried telling him I was concerned about his health. I tried arguing with him whether or not he was using. None of it controlled his usage or got him to stop using. Sometimes, it would cause us to get into arguments.

One of the number one rules that I've read about dealing with addicts is to not talk to them about drugs while they are high. It is impossible reasoning with somebody who is high on drugs. I've read that, and I've tried it. It can drive you crazy. They say one thing, but do something else. They take everthing you say and twist it around another way. It leaves you not knowing whether you are coming or going.

Chino

I made a vow to myself, and informed my daughter too, that I'd call 911 if I ever thought she was under the influence and driving. I turned a blind eye too many times and thank God nothing terrible ever happened.

suki44883

It's good that you realize you cannot control her, and that she is going to use if she wants to use. However, I also agree with calling 911 if you see her getting into a car to drive when you know she is under the influence. Just hoping no one gets hurt isn't good enough. Maybe if she were pulled over by the police and had to deal with the consequences of her lousy decisions, it might mean something. Then again, maybe not, but it just might save the life of some innocent person out there on the road.

outtolunch

Is this the same girl who pulled a butcher knife on you?

When we codependents confront it is usually with the intent of controlling another person. This girl is living her life as she sees fit to do and that includes pretending to be in recovery. Calling her out on it is not going to make a bit of difference. There is nothing you can say or do that is going to cause her to clean up or relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Calling 911 when you are aware that someone is driving while intoxicated is a public service and could save lives.

Is there a reason why you decided to resume this toxic relationship after the butcher knife/Police incident?

Ann

Trying to reason with anyone active in addiction is like trying to teach a shoe to swim, it might float and bob a while but in the end...it isn't possible. The talking may make us feel better, but any expectation of listening or change from them is an illusion that leaves us disappointed every time.

It sounds like you are at the "I'm in"/"Colour me out" stage and in time you will have to decide if this is how you want to live...for years...maybe the rest of your life?

You cannot save her, if love could save an addict not one of us would be here. You can only save yourself from the heartache of having a front row seat to her drama.

And yes, I agree, I would call 911 immediately if someone incapable of driving stepped into a car.

Good luck, hope you find peace in all this somehow.

Hugs

dvd5904

Thanks everyone. Yes I am talking about the same girl outtolunch. Being codependent is something I’m trying to understand and decide if I am. I feel that I very likely am. The main reason I returned to this relationship is because I love this girl. Things had been pretty bad for a while at the point that I decided I wanted out. I just didn’t feel at peace with my decision. The reason was that I realized that she had been right about some things that I didn’t understand, and am still trying to. I had been invalidating her feelings often. I believe that regardless of how a person comes to feel the way they feel, weather I agree or not, they still legitimately feel the way they do. The day I ended things she was very upset and hurt. I didn’t feel that she was being reasonable or even justified in those feelings, but I feel now that it doesn’t matter. The bottom line was that she felt that way. I understand there has to be a line where one says, “I will not validate this.” I just haven’t found where that is yet. Still working on it. We’ve began therapy and I have seen some minor progress in US yet progression in the addiction too. I have set a 3 month assessment date and intend to be realistic about what I’ve seen at that point. I’m hoping for the best. Thanks for not holding your punches and for remembering my situation.