Daisy09

after a long absence. And I've been trying to deal with the emotional fallout of splitting up with my husband of 19 years this past week, while maintaining some semblance of normalcy for my 7 & 9 year old daughters...and I really need to ramble my feelings out...

I'm really, really sad, all the time...

and I miss him. It's like a part of my soul is dead.

It's worse at night, when I don't have anything to distract me, and the girls are asleep so I don't need to "keep calm and carry on." I'm not sleeping well at all...

Will there come a point when I stop hoping to see his car in the driveway when I come around the corner?

Don't get me wrong, I'm full of anger and hatred, too, and I think that's the worst part, the conflict. One minute I'm full of rage that he could dare make our beautiful babies cry, that they just weren't important enough to him to make him want to stop. And the next I just want him back so they'll have their Daddy again, and I'll have my whole heart again, and everything will be o.k.

I've always been a happy person, and I'm really trying not to let the essence of who I am be changed by this, but this overwhelming despair has caught me off guard, and I'm just not sure how to process it...

Ann

Daisy, it's normal to mourn the loss of what was and dreams that won't come true, it's even healthy to work through the process and the pain....but that doesn't make it one bit easier.

Now might be a good time to wrap yourself in support, of old friends or family or a meeting if you can get to one. It's time to take very good care of you so that you can begin to heal sometime soon.

I wish I lived near you and I would come watch over your babies while you had a whole day all to yourself to do something nice for yourself to distract you from your troubles.

But since I don't I will send hugs and keep you in my prayers.

JustAYak

((Daisy)) - I have missed you greatly! I'm sorry you've come back to forum under such terrible circumstances. Rest assured you are doing the right thing for you and your children, even though it may not seem like it right now. Lots of hugs for you

Impurrfect

(((Daisy))) - oh, sweetie, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I am soooo very glad to see you. I have missed you so much, always include you in my prayers.

I'm working on a school deadline that I don't think I'm going to meet, but ((Jay)) let me know you were back and you are WAY more important in my priorities. I will be back, may be a few hours (got a midnight deadline), but you are doing the right thing, it just hurts like hell.

The folks here have gotten me through some pretty painful things, and I have no doubt they (and me...can't let go of my Daisy!!) can help, but grief takes time.

Just know that we are here for you, and I am sending up extra mega prayers for you and your kids.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

LoveMeNow

Daisy,

I could have written your post...just not as well. You described everything I had been feeling and sometimes still do.

I know the meetings will help, I know SR will help too, but time (and FAITH) will really help too. There will be a time when we look back and wondered why we stayed so long and will be relieved their car is not in the driveway.

I am far from healed and have a lot of work still do but someday I look forward to having a car in my driveway - driven by an Honorable, trustworthy, healthy loving person. We deserve better, our kids deserve better and there is some one better.

Daisy09

Amy, Jay, how did I ever stumble upon two such wonderful people? I'm hyper emotional right now, but it made me cry that you two were so quick to come to me when I need help. Thank you for being who you are, and for sharing yourselves with me, and the world, and for just being here for me as shoulders to cry on <3

Ann, you're right, I'm mourning. I'm mourning so many things, not just for my losses but for what my sweet little girls are losing without even knowing it. Amy & Jay know that I lost my sister two years ago, too, and I'm still mourning that loss, and I just really want to be all done mourning. It sucks. I hate it.

I think I'm going to go watch The Brady Bunch with the kids and eat Thin Mint ice cream. Probably won't help, but it can't hurt, right?

chicory

Daisy,
I am sorry that you are hurting so much. As a mom, I understand how you hurt for your girls. You are protecting them though, and they obviously have a very good loving mama.
I wish I had magic words to help you with, but I can say that things wont always feel like this. This will pass, and good times and laughter will dominate your lives.
My best wishes, for healing to come soon, and for all good things to come and fill the waiting places in your heart.
hugs
chicory

outtolunch

Have you considered grief counseling to help you cope with everything that's happened over the past 3-4 years? EMDR therapy in particular can be helpful in disengaging emotionally from trauma.

washbe2

I'm so sorry, Daisy. Just know that we do care, and I pray that this split may possibly be the trigger he needs to clean up his act. Either way, you and your girls deserve better.

You are worthy. I've been learning that sometimes we continue to stay with or put up with our addicts because we deep-down feel unworthy of anything better. Never believed I felt this way, but maybe there's something to it.

Hug your girls and hold on to each precious moment with them. I care.

newnormal4me

Hugs Daisy. To say I could have written this post is an understatement. I've been married 19 years.... my kids are7 & 9! We are legally separated and I need to make the final move. It feels impossible.

My husband hasn't always been an addict. It's so hard to separate that reality from the current. We both have long histories and young children. It is the end of an era for us. And to top it off we face raising beautiful kids alone. Many here are doing that. It is so tiring. But we can do it!

Hang in there and stay strong. The hurt is there and it is inevitable. We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel the emotion. None of us wants to go thru it but it is necessary to get to the other side.

Thanks for sharing. It helps to know I'm not alone in my nightly ruminating thoughts and pain. Take care.

steelmagnolia

Hey daisy...through my separation and subsequent divorce, the anger made me feel stronger. When I was not angry the sadness felt like a huge sick void in my chest or...my head and chest would swell with the burden of sadness. This too shall pass dear. It has been 23 years for me and I have enjoyed a blessed life with my now husband of 20 years. It seems as though it was someone else or another lifetime. I was married to my x for 10 years and 2 children....or was I? Good luck and good love...mags

Impurrfect

(((Daisy))) I think the grief you are going through is similar to what we go through in a death..the anger, sadness and all the other feelings flip-flop and we feel like we're going to go crazy. It's even worse, though, knowing someone likes their drugs and/or alcohol and isn't willing to do the right thing for the family.

I know it feels entirely personal, but it really isn't. He's just hooked in a vicious addiction and that is his priority. I was him, it was that I didn't love my family, I just didn't want to deal with how much I'd hurt them, so I used more. Eventually, I chose recovery but not everyone does.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Daisy09

(((Amy)))

Thanks for being you!

On one level, I know it's not personal, and I try hard not to take it that way. The last time I spoke with him, he told me he felt like he was losing his mind, that he wants to get help and knows he needs to, but doesn't and he doesn't know why. I told him I can't let his problem be mine anymore, and he understands. He knows he's ruining his life and destroying his family, and he's honestly distraught over it, but he's just not able right now to stop. He hates his addiction and what his life has become, but he can't control it.

He's a good person in a really bad place. I'm worried for him.

I wish I was the praying sort, because it would be comforting to think that there was some way I could ask someone to guide him, but I'm not, so I'm just stuck hoping he doesn't die...

hope213

daisy, i am sorry u r sad. things will get better with time.i have been thru what u r going thru & it just takes time. i am saying a prayer for u & those daughters of yours. hugs & prayers,

Impurrfect

(((Daisy))) - I am the praying sort, and have included your AH in them. I was totally sick of being an addict long before I faced enough consequences I was ready for recovery. I remember crying and yelling at XABF#3 "I don't want to WANT this stuff any more!!!!!" Come to think of it that was my first prayer in recovery..."please help me to be willing to be willing to not want it any more".

Some of my favorite people in the world make me feel better just by saying "you're in my thoughts".

I'm sorry for what brought you back here, but I'm really glad you're here. Just imagine a whole lot of people giving you a virtual hug.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy