Approval Seeker...People Pleaser
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Approval Seeker...People Pleaser
Approval Seeker...People Pleaser
This is one of the Most In built Emotions in My Personality.
Admitting to myself where it is coming from is esential.
It is very difficult for Adult Children to give or receive love as we have not experienced healthy role modeling in this area. What we think is love or intimacy in reality is codependency or intensity. Many Adult Children drown out childhood of origin feelings through a variety of addictive and compulsive behaviors. Because of the alcoholism and dysfunction in my family I also turned to alcohol and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was sober many years before I was able to see and deal with these particular issues. I eventually knew that if I didn?t address and work on these concerns that I would not be able to sustain a healthy marital relationship.
Taking an inward journey of this type is never an easy thing to do. It can be very painful going through the process of uncovering, discovering and discarding. Personally I used a combination of therapy and a 12-step process in order to do this. I have made great strides in healing the trauma and dysfunction from my past, but for me it is an ongoing process. The progress of healing is evidenced in my present day relationships and marriage.
Some of the obstacles in doing this type of work can be feelings of guilt associated with ?betraying? our parents as we explore how the dysfunction of our upbringing has impacted us. One of the first things we learn as we begin our journey is to understand the difference between blaming our parents and getting honest about the reality of our childhood experiences. Simple put, my mother (father was absent most of the time,he worked long hours and drank after work to relieve anxieties,I believe....now) did the best she could and she loved all of her children. That does not mean there was not dysfunction. There was. In recovery I learned how to continue the love for my mother, get honest about what happened, and take the necessary steps in order to heal from it. I eventually also experienced forgiveness towards my father for the abandonment.
I was abandoned emotionally by my parents....I had to shut down....numb my feelings....people please to survive....I cant do this anymore...I have got to be true to who I am,Or in my case think i Am.Its a learning process of re Parenting my self....and to detach from in built automatic responces to certain Things.....Like....If I forget something ,its no big deal.If I cant find something Im looking for....Ill eventually get it.If I make a mistake...thats Ok,If the house is untidy....so what,it will get sorted by someone sometime....It does not always have to be me to do the cleaning. and So on.....I have got to see the Good in myself...Lighten up. Take away the seriousness in my Personality until I need to be really serious about something that need Immediate attention.
This is one of the Most In built Emotions in My Personality.
Admitting to myself where it is coming from is esential.
It is very difficult for Adult Children to give or receive love as we have not experienced healthy role modeling in this area. What we think is love or intimacy in reality is codependency or intensity. Many Adult Children drown out childhood of origin feelings through a variety of addictive and compulsive behaviors. Because of the alcoholism and dysfunction in my family I also turned to alcohol and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was sober many years before I was able to see and deal with these particular issues. I eventually knew that if I didn?t address and work on these concerns that I would not be able to sustain a healthy marital relationship.
Taking an inward journey of this type is never an easy thing to do. It can be very painful going through the process of uncovering, discovering and discarding. Personally I used a combination of therapy and a 12-step process in order to do this. I have made great strides in healing the trauma and dysfunction from my past, but for me it is an ongoing process. The progress of healing is evidenced in my present day relationships and marriage.
Some of the obstacles in doing this type of work can be feelings of guilt associated with ?betraying? our parents as we explore how the dysfunction of our upbringing has impacted us. One of the first things we learn as we begin our journey is to understand the difference between blaming our parents and getting honest about the reality of our childhood experiences. Simple put, my mother (father was absent most of the time,he worked long hours and drank after work to relieve anxieties,I believe....now) did the best she could and she loved all of her children. That does not mean there was not dysfunction. There was. In recovery I learned how to continue the love for my mother, get honest about what happened, and take the necessary steps in order to heal from it. I eventually also experienced forgiveness towards my father for the abandonment.
I was abandoned emotionally by my parents....I had to shut down....numb my feelings....people please to survive....I cant do this anymore...I have got to be true to who I am,Or in my case think i Am.Its a learning process of re Parenting my self....and to detach from in built automatic responces to certain Things.....Like....If I forget something ,its no big deal.If I cant find something Im looking for....Ill eventually get it.If I make a mistake...thats Ok,If the house is untidy....so what,it will get sorted by someone sometime....It does not always have to be me to do the cleaning. and So on.....I have got to see the Good in myself...Lighten up. Take away the seriousness in my Personality until I need to be really serious about something that need Immediate attention.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I do have some tendencies to over commit to projects occasionally but overall I never cared what anyone else thought of me. Mainly because I believed they didn't like me so no expending any energy on my part to change their minds and instead I ditch them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Thank you for the shares everyone.
It is a huge delight to realize that a simple mistake is no big deal, that a lost object will turn up, that it is OK to be a little late due to traffic, that the laundry can get done tomorrow.
For me it feels so good to be gentle and kind to myself.
It is a huge delight to realize that a simple mistake is no big deal, that a lost object will turn up, that it is OK to be a little late due to traffic, that the laundry can get done tomorrow.
For me it feels so good to be gentle and kind to myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
This is soooo me. My therapist gave me a spreadsheet that has this broken down a bit. The key points that hit me almost immediately was I am the family hero. The one that everyone turns to keep the peace, make everyone happy, etc etc. I am the people pleaser (see family hero) except that since my early twenties has slid into my everyday life as well. I'm super hyper critical and cannot accept anything less than perfection from myself.
Hence the reason why I am also a recovering alcoholic. I used alcohol to drown the pain of not being good enough, not doing well enough at work, not keeping up enough with the joneses, etc etc.
I still have issues constantly with my own feelings of inadequacies, and I try my best not to people please like I used to (as much) but the biggest obstacle I tackle daily is to maintain my sobriety. The rest, I feel, will come in time.
Time is a great healer.
Hence the reason why I am also a recovering alcoholic. I used alcohol to drown the pain of not being good enough, not doing well enough at work, not keeping up enough with the joneses, etc etc.
I still have issues constantly with my own feelings of inadequacies, and I try my best not to people please like I used to (as much) but the biggest obstacle I tackle daily is to maintain my sobriety. The rest, I feel, will come in time.
Time is a great healer.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
