littlered

My A is not my spouse or my BF. He's my close long-distance phone friend. I'd go so far as to say he's been my best friend, outside my husband, for several years.

He is married, as am I. This is a platonic friendship, long distance. Two years ago, he told me about the physical symptoms he was having. I have a medical background and realized he was suffering from withdrawal as early as eight hours after his last drink. I was stunned. He came clean about his alcohol use. I helped him get into rehab, where he was diagnosed with cirrhosis and colitis. He went gung-ho sober, daily meetings, etc. For over a year, he did very well. His marriage was improving, his life was getting better. When he decided to take on sponsorship and group leadership, I felt that it was too soon - especially when I learned that he was leading his group outside of AA in a church ministry. He did not respond well to my concerns.

I began to notice old behaviors recently. Misremembering or blanking on conversations we'd had. Telling me the same thing three days in a row like it was new information. Sudden neediness and demands for my attention that had caused me to detach before (he knew my boundaries and began to cross them.) His two-year sobriety birthday came and went with no remark on his part. He began to speak badly of both his spouse and mine, which is a no-no for me.

I asked him if he was drinking. He said no, but did say that he was using a lot of Phenergan for constant nausea and vomiting. He said his liver was acting up. He said he was bleeding out of his skin. I said I didn't think Phenergan the best thing for a cirrhotic liver, but continued to talk with him several days a week. I noticed that when I was unavailable to talk, he became ill.

Two weeks ago I had family in town and was not available to talk with my A friend. The texts came - he was sick. The doctors were "going to let him die". "Nobody" would help him. I was not in a place to call back for an hour-long conversation, so I chose to wait until I had a block of time for him in a day or two. It has never been possible to have a five-minute conversation with my friend - he can stay on the phone for hours. All day, if I let him.

The following evening, I still had family in town and was spending time with my husband and child. I went to bed early. When I got up, my husband gently informed me that my friend had left voice messages on my phone that he was in the ER following a "Phenergan overdose". I put in a call and noticed that my A friend was disoriented. Because, girl, if you ask your nurse to pull the trumpet out of your orifice and ask her if she has a righteous church hat, you be trippin'. I hung up worried and told my husband, "I think it's not just Phenergan." At that time I chose to wait until I heard from my A friend again.

Two days later, his daughter called me. My AFriend was in ICU. Septic. Detoxing. He'd been drinking again for months. His wife had found my number in his phone but did not know he had been calling me. Furthermore, she had found multiple other women in his phone, and one of them had been calling repeatedly for days while our mutual A was in the hospital. Did I maybe know who X was? I did not. I'd never heard of X, and said so.

I waited, again. Sure enough, AF called a few days ago. He admitted to me that he has been drinking for months. He cried and told me that he was too ashamed to tell me. I asked if he was also too ashamed to tell his wife, and he said yes. I explained that his adult child had called me, that I had been open with her, and that his wife would like to know who X was. My friend became defensive and said "X has nothing to do with anything", which: I was born at night, but not last night.

And that's when I really got the giant clue: I've been an affair for him as surely as any of the other women he talks to. We're not friends; I'm a security blanket. I'm a supportive ego-stroker. I've been mental masturbation material. I, new SR friends, am a world-class idiot.

Of course he's going to lie to me. If he told me the truth, I'd kick his ass and hold him accountable. If he told me the truth, I'd stop being available to listen to him for an hour or more at a time. If he told me the truth, I'd be of no use to him. I have been, for four years, apparently just one of several women outside his marriage. That he did not tell me about them means that he saw me the same way. I might as well have an Absolut label on my forehead. I've been stunned ever since. I feel like a fool - or worse, an accidental *****. This person, who gets sucked into other people's lives? Is not the kind of person I want to be.

Usually we talk on Monday mornings. I didn't call him today. I feel that for him to recover, he needs to not have extra people in his life. For his wife to recover, she does not need for him to have contact with other women - any other women. Part of me wants to call him to see if he is still in the hospital, to see if he's okay. I have to remind myself that it is not my responsibility to see if he's okay. Then I have to remind myself that I have spent at least six months being deceived, and possibly as long as four years being deceived, and that my numbness and hurt feelings have no place in his life or his wife's life. A's wife deserves better - better than him, and better than my being there for him.

For today, I am not calling my A person. I do not know if I will call him, ever. Whether I will answer if he calls, I do not know, but today, he is not calling. I don't know what to say to him. I'm not sure there is anything to say. I'm not sure what I think. I just think I'm finished - for now, and probably forever.

Today, I cut off contact.

catlovermi

For somebody who's married, and incapable of having a five minute conversation with another female "friend" - that's a pretty good red flag to me.

Normal, healthy folks may not be joined at the hip in marriage, but they certainly are able to talk to their spouse enough to not have to spend HOURS driveling to another female friend, ALWAYS.

My take is your conclusions are pretty accurate at this point. It's painful to realize one's been used, by an addict - that your attention was just another type of "fix" for him to jones after. But it's certainly par for the course.

Game over.

CLMI

littlered

Thanks, catlovermi. You make an excellent point.

I've always been someone who has mostly friends of the opposite gender. So for me it wasn't weird, except that it got really time-consuming. And the neediness and abandonment issues/acting out when I'm not available is a big red flag. I don't think that's just the alcoholism, although the alcoholism doesn't help.

My phone is off today. I just checked it and found a text and two voice mails from AF. I haven't read the texts or listened to the voice mails. I'm not ready, so for now I am practicing avoidance. I do know that I will probably have to talk with him this week, in order to explain that he will have to stop contacting me. I plan to tell him that he needs to be focused on his recovery for the foreseeable future.

Whether he will comply with this, I don't know. I'm suddenly reminded that just a few weeks ago, this person told me quite randomly that if I ever stopped talking to him, he'd come to my house to find out why. It seemed random at the time, but now I wonder.

littlered

Sorry, I am replying to myself. But I just saw what I JUST posted vs. what I posted not an hour ago.

Clearly I am conflicted about the no-contact thing.

For me, it would be easiest to slam the door on this person. I have been lied to. I have been used. I have been an unwitting, but apparently willing, victim of this person's disease process.

For him, I have no idea whether I should speak to him or not. Maybe I want to vent at him and tell him why we can't talk anymore, but it seems like he should be well aware why we can't talk anymore.

I have to work on this. I obviously have some conflicting feelings going on. At the end of the day, I cannot be entangled in this person's life - so I need to stop being a wuss about it.

theuncertainty

Welcome to SR, Littlered.

"seems like he should be aware..." *smiles and says the following quietly* It's kind of hard to see anything clearly through the bottom of a liquor bottle....

Gaahh. I understand the feeling though. I still catch myself sometimes asking, "WHY doesn't he understand that his drinking (and in AXH's case - abusive behavior) is what lost him his family?!?"

*shrug* IMO, nothing's going to be clear for an alcoholic while they're actively using or actively refusing to understand that for them any alcohol use is a problem.

It's OK to take time to think your way and feel your way through the situation. You don't need to make any decisions right NOW. You have the right to take the time you need to decide what it is you really want to do with regards to this friendship.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, littlered. I have to second uncertainty above. Take your time. Wait and see. More to be revealed.

But you are right - some things don't add up here. And its got the potential to put you on a crazy train ride that your husband and child will not appreciate.

Take good care,
~T

chronsweet

I have to say you have a very understanding husband. Yeah for you! You are truly blessed to have a trusting relationship with the person who matters most in your life, your husband!

Thank goodness you saw the smoke through the trees eventually. I tend to be naive and believe in the greater good of humanity and get mad when I find out I have been hoodwinked. My problem now is that I have been had by my own ABF and have to find my own way out of my own living hell for myself and my son.

One step closer because I realize things with him just are never going to change. Especially when he relapsed and did drugs one night at a friend's house. That moment, I knew that alcohol is just his crutch until he permanently finds his way to death, whatever vice that may be, only the future can tell.

I would avoid this AF like the plague. I feel no pity for him. He sounds despicable. Sorry to add insult to injury, I know you didn't intend for the relationship to be this way, but it is what it is.

naive

hi littlered-

i know for myself, i like closure. perhaps a written letter to your friend, explaining why you have chosen to go no contact might be helpful rather than to speak to him. it would enable you to maintain your distance and not get sucked back in.

what you've explained sounds very unhealthy for you. whilst i feel it is important to have friends, when they become clinging and needy, i tend to pull back. he has his wife, so he will not be alone during this bad time.

littlered

I took some time. I also responded to an email from the AF.

In said email, it was clear that my friend was telling me what he thought would make me maintain contact. He apologized for his "hyperbolic" adult child calling me. He lied, a number of times.

I thought for a full day, then responded. I said that I would not enumerate the inconsistencies in his stories, that it would help no one. I said that my wish is that when he feels abandoned, that he would consider that his disease will never love him, will always abandon him, and that the only way to begin to heal is for him to focus all his attention on fighting his addiction. That I cannot commit to any phone time with him moving forward, and that I cannot commit to answering any texts or emails from him from this point on.

I did get a response, but did not read it. I made it go poof. And that felt good. So far, I have gotten no other emails, texts, or calls.

I worry about my friend - but I don't want him back in my life. It's so much more peaceful, suddenly. I'm not constantly waiting for some new drama. I'm not constantly talking my friend off a ledge. And I know that his life is HIS life, and my life is MY life. Hubby remains supportive. I wish my AF's family well as they work through A's addiction.

all for your support. It means more to me than I can articulate. I appreciate you.

StarCat

That is a wonderful way to state a boundary in a respectful way such that you will remain comfortable maintaining that boundary without feelings of guilt for not answering. You also aren't trying to tell him what to do, merely stating what you will and won't do.

And great job in holding firm to your new course of action!