Maintaining Contact for Child's Sake?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Maintaining Contact for Child's Sake?
I am a new poster who has been lurking here for a few months. This forum has been an absolute Godsend. Thank you to all of you who consistently post supportive messages to people in crisis.
We found out fairly recently that a family member's significant other is a drug addict who is in active addiction from what we can tell due to two indicators:
1. She stole drugs from extended family members at least 4 times that we know of.
2. All of her communications with our family are textbook addict behavior with regards to defensiveness, extreme manipulation, blaming others and generally taking no responsibility for anything in her life.
Plus there are all sorts of other textbook indicators: a prior trip to rehab, wearing dark sunglasses indoors, sleeping every day till 3 p.m., slurred speech, no job, no interests or hobbies, frequent visits to the ER, doctor shopping, etc.
Why our family member tolerates having this person in his life is perplexing to us. But now that I've read this forum I realize that there is likely much more to the story and there are likely co-dependant issues at play etc.
As for me, I am trying very hard to stay as far away from all of it as possible. I have my own very healthy and young family to protect. With help from this forum I had gotten myself to the point where I was comfortable with setting a no-contact boundary. I don't do crazy and I don't do drug addicts or toxic people. I want to slam my door on them ASAP.
BUT - there is an issue on which I haven't yet been able to find good advice in this forum. We have a new development: this couple has announced that they are pregnant. I am SICK and angry about it. I am terrified for the child. IF she is truly pregnant (she could be lying of course) and goes on to give birth to a baby what then? As much as I feel strong enough to detach myself completely from this family member I don't think I have it in me to distance myself from a baby - esp one I am related to. I have children of my own and am a great parent and a passionate one.
Basically, what I am asking you is do I need to have enough communication with this toxic couple so that I can have evidence and leverage to rescue the child later on? If we have no contact then there is no way to monitor the child's well-being and/or provide evidence to CPS, etc - this couple lives a few hours' drive away. I am by far the best candidate in our extended family to take in this child someday if it comes to that. If it turns out she is indeed pregnant then my spouse and I will be hiring a good family law attorney. But in the mean time I need to know whether I can go ahead and slam the door shut on this couple for now and keep their issues out of my life and away from my family . . .
We found out fairly recently that a family member's significant other is a drug addict who is in active addiction from what we can tell due to two indicators:
1. She stole drugs from extended family members at least 4 times that we know of.
2. All of her communications with our family are textbook addict behavior with regards to defensiveness, extreme manipulation, blaming others and generally taking no responsibility for anything in her life.
Plus there are all sorts of other textbook indicators: a prior trip to rehab, wearing dark sunglasses indoors, sleeping every day till 3 p.m., slurred speech, no job, no interests or hobbies, frequent visits to the ER, doctor shopping, etc.
Why our family member tolerates having this person in his life is perplexing to us. But now that I've read this forum I realize that there is likely much more to the story and there are likely co-dependant issues at play etc.
As for me, I am trying very hard to stay as far away from all of it as possible. I have my own very healthy and young family to protect. With help from this forum I had gotten myself to the point where I was comfortable with setting a no-contact boundary. I don't do crazy and I don't do drug addicts or toxic people. I want to slam my door on them ASAP.
BUT - there is an issue on which I haven't yet been able to find good advice in this forum. We have a new development: this couple has announced that they are pregnant. I am SICK and angry about it. I am terrified for the child. IF she is truly pregnant (she could be lying of course) and goes on to give birth to a baby what then? As much as I feel strong enough to detach myself completely from this family member I don't think I have it in me to distance myself from a baby - esp one I am related to. I have children of my own and am a great parent and a passionate one.
Basically, what I am asking you is do I need to have enough communication with this toxic couple so that I can have evidence and leverage to rescue the child later on? If we have no contact then there is no way to monitor the child's well-being and/or provide evidence to CPS, etc - this couple lives a few hours' drive away. I am by far the best candidate in our extended family to take in this child someday if it comes to that. If it turns out she is indeed pregnant then my spouse and I will be hiring a good family law attorney. But in the mean time I need to know whether I can go ahead and slam the door shut on this couple for now and keep their issues out of my life and away from my family . . .
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
sounds like might've already answered your own question. =)
that said though, is the other parent an addict, too? if not, will he/she protect this baby, and get the baby out of harm's way?
when i was abusing oxys, i wasn't emotionally there for my teenage children like i should have been. i thank god for one of my sisters (who knew nothing of the abuse), who often took my children during school breaks (she would do this even before i was abusing meds). i look back at that now, and am grateful that she was (is) a stable force in their lives. to them, it was (is) a respite for them, full of fond memories with their cousins.
maybe you can ask yourself what you have to lose by being in this child's life, and what you have to gain, too.
good luck.
(love your obvious insight, by the way).
that said though, is the other parent an addict, too? if not, will he/she protect this baby, and get the baby out of harm's way?
when i was abusing oxys, i wasn't emotionally there for my teenage children like i should have been. i thank god for one of my sisters (who knew nothing of the abuse), who often took my children during school breaks (she would do this even before i was abusing meds). i look back at that now, and am grateful that she was (is) a stable force in their lives. to them, it was (is) a respite for them, full of fond memories with their cousins.
maybe you can ask yourself what you have to lose by being in this child's life, and what you have to gain, too.
good luck.
(love your obvious insight, by the way).
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Thank you for your reply, Jillian.
We don't know if our family member is also addicted to drugs or alcohol. We do know that he seems to be addicted to enabling this addict. There must be something unhealthy involved b/c he is willing to have this addiction in his life and then bring it's tentacles into our extended family with no regard for how it affects us. He denies that this woman is an addict. So basically, nothing would surprise us anymore. Him being an addict would be one logical explanation as to why he is making the horrible choices he's making.
And no, I don't trust that he would put his child first or protect him or her from this woman. If he were healthy and cared like a normal parent would, he wouldn't have gotten this woman pregnant in the first place. Who makes a baby with someone who is actively abusing drugs??? Who willingly makes a baby with a woman who is highly dysfunctional and toxic as is her entire family (who live right next door)? Clearly he does not have his child's best interests at heart. This pregnancy was very purposeful - they have been "trying" for a long time. And it's only going to get worse for him before it ever gets better. He is in serious denial and has a very long way to go before recovery for him would be possible - from what I can tell.
About the baby, of course at a minimum I would want to be a stable and positive refuge in his/her life. But the bottom line is that my own children have to come first. So if maintaining contact with this toxic couple drags my entire immediate family into this hell then I'm not willing to risk that. I'm willing for our family to endure some consequences in order to save the baby but not so many that we all become toxic and dysfunctional, too. I'm not going there and neither is my spouse.
We don't know if our family member is also addicted to drugs or alcohol. We do know that he seems to be addicted to enabling this addict. There must be something unhealthy involved b/c he is willing to have this addiction in his life and then bring it's tentacles into our extended family with no regard for how it affects us. He denies that this woman is an addict. So basically, nothing would surprise us anymore. Him being an addict would be one logical explanation as to why he is making the horrible choices he's making.
And no, I don't trust that he would put his child first or protect him or her from this woman. If he were healthy and cared like a normal parent would, he wouldn't have gotten this woman pregnant in the first place. Who makes a baby with someone who is actively abusing drugs??? Who willingly makes a baby with a woman who is highly dysfunctional and toxic as is her entire family (who live right next door)? Clearly he does not have his child's best interests at heart. This pregnancy was very purposeful - they have been "trying" for a long time. And it's only going to get worse for him before it ever gets better. He is in serious denial and has a very long way to go before recovery for him would be possible - from what I can tell.
About the baby, of course at a minimum I would want to be a stable and positive refuge in his/her life. But the bottom line is that my own children have to come first. So if maintaining contact with this toxic couple drags my entire immediate family into this hell then I'm not willing to risk that. I'm willing for our family to endure some consequences in order to save the baby but not so many that we all become toxic and dysfunctional, too. I'm not going there and neither is my spouse.
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I rely heavily on the grapevine because I'm a million miles from everyone, and it works pretty well for me. Does your family have a strong grapevine? How does the rest of your family feel about everything?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by elizabeth316 
And no, I don't trust that he would put his child first or protect him or her from this woman. If he were healthy and cared like a normal parent would, he wouldn't have gotten this woman pregnant in the first place. Who makes a baby with someone who is actively abusing drugs??? Who willingly makes a baby with a woman who is highly dysfunctional and toxic[
Originally Posted by elizabeth316
About the baby, of course at a minimum I would want to be a stable and positive refuge in his/her life. But the bottom line is that my own children have to come first. So if maintaining contact with this toxic couple drags my entire immediate family into this hell then I'm not willing to risk that. I'm willing for our family to endure some consequences in order to save the baby but not so many that we all become toxic and dysfunctional, too. I'm not going there and neither is my spouse.
Can you set the standards for "maintaining contact""? In other words, can you say "call me if there's a situation that endangers this child, and I'll be there in NY minute?" Many people here with far more experience with addiction than I have will disagree and perhaps call this codependence. But you obviously know the difference between protecting an innocent child, and enabling the behavior that can cause it (the baby) any type of harm). I do NOT see this as enabling behavior. I see it as doing what you can do to be a positive and loving force in this child's life. For that, you deserve a medal. Perhaps you will be one of the only positive and helpful resource in this baby's life.
I commend you!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Thanks so much for your kind words, Jilllian but I am no saint. Others are rightfully sensing that I definitely have what I've always thought of as a Ms. Fixit personality type. Now I know the real term is Codependancy!
However, I have been in recovery for about 2 years which has been a journey. But it's also why my learning curve about addiction has been steep and quick and feverish and why I'm fully on the brink of implementing a "no-contact" boundary with this person. I do NOT want to get in there and try and fix my family member and his GF.
As for the baby, I get that it's there is a fine line and a gray area here between helping and enabling. Especially with a baby, that seems like a quick and easy no brainer excuse for a "Codie" like me to interfere and try and control things and get my fix.
But a baby can't do ANYTHING for themselves, nor can a child. So in my opinion I can't really enable a baby. In fact removing the baby from an addiction and dysfunctional household would be a natural consequence of addiction. I guess I just would want that child to be with family instead of a foster family and the sooner the better if harm is imminent. I haven't specified my relationship with the child b/c I'm trying to retain some degree of anonymity just in case.
If and when a baby is born we will hire a family law attorney. And luckily the addict in question is so furious at me for pointing out that stealing drugs is wrong and that she is clearly an addict that neither she nor my family member are speaking to me right now anyway. And I like it that way.
However, I have been in recovery for about 2 years which has been a journey. But it's also why my learning curve about addiction has been steep and quick and feverish and why I'm fully on the brink of implementing a "no-contact" boundary with this person. I do NOT want to get in there and try and fix my family member and his GF.
As for the baby, I get that it's there is a fine line and a gray area here between helping and enabling. Especially with a baby, that seems like a quick and easy no brainer excuse for a "Codie" like me to interfere and try and control things and get my fix.
But a baby can't do ANYTHING for themselves, nor can a child. So in my opinion I can't really enable a baby. In fact removing the baby from an addiction and dysfunctional household would be a natural consequence of addiction. I guess I just would want that child to be with family instead of a foster family and the sooner the better if harm is imminent. I haven't specified my relationship with the child b/c I'm trying to retain some degree of anonymity just in case.
If and when a baby is born we will hire a family law attorney. And luckily the addict in question is so furious at me for pointing out that stealing drugs is wrong and that she is clearly an addict that neither she nor my family member are speaking to me right now anyway. And I like it that way.
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