Third times a charm!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 48
Third times a charm!
This is my third time here since October. I woke up yesterday and realized that I had to change something big in my life. I've realized this plenty of times before, but never quite 'got it'. I don't know what happened this time, but it feels like something really went click. I've been struggling with this addiction for my whole adult life. Yesterday was the 15th of April. My new dry date... and the one that I'm going to cherish and hang on to and never let go of. I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself regarding the drinking. I've been going to some meetings with a good friend of mine, but last tuesday, right after the meeting I came home and went straight for the bottle. Of course, intending to only have a 'few'... turned into me not remembering going to bed. Then it happened on thursday night and again on saturday night. always waking up feeling not only hungover, but shameful. My kids have seen this behaviour for far too long. They watched their father and I separate and divorce after 17 years of marriage. (4 years ago). During that break up time, he and I abused alcohol on a daily basis. I look back now and realized that it was a coping mechanism. Self medicate and maybe you can get through it. Well, we didn't get through it, and the drinking never stopped. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Something changed in me and went click. I've admitted my problem to my loved ones, including my children who are now 20, 18 and 16. They don't want to see their mother in that state ever again. The emotions running through my brain are very intense. So much so that I can't sleep, which is why I'm up at 3am writing this. I feel scared, shamed, uncertain of how I'll get through this, worried about what the future looks like for me. I do know that I can't continue this way. I didnt' want to admit that I would have to give up that social drink for the rest of my life. But now I realize that it is not possible for me to have just one or two. My girlfriend who has been sober for almost three years kept saying to me: I wish I could raise your bottom... meaning that you have to hit rock bottom before you can stop. Well, for whatever reason, I think I hit it this time. Especially because now i'm talking about it more openly to my loved ones. I got up on Sunday morning and immediately got dressed, went online to find out if there was a sunday morning meeting (there was) and went. Cried through the entire thing. Then I called my friend, and she came over and sat with me for three hours. We're going to a meeting tonight and again tomorrow night. My new dry date is April 15 and this time it's going to stick. I have also looked into going to a treatment center for 3 weeks. I know it won't be easy, but I feel there are a lot of things that I need to deal with to fight this demon beast. I know I'm a good person and I have a lot of support. I want to get better and live a life of joy and clarity. No more foggy thinking. I have a strong desire to quit drinking. I want my kids to see that they don't have to have a drunk for a mother... Better late than never. I'm feeling so sad but motivated to change this behaviour so I can get to the other side. I want to cross the bridge... and I will. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
I understand how you feel. Take away the booze, and there is my truth and it's painful to see.
Don't dwell in remorse or self pity, however.
The big book tells us that we should not engage in morbid reflection.
My past sponsor would say we are "big deal makers"...and so even when trying to get and stay sober...I would be making a big deal out of it all.
She would say, "you don't have to worry about all that now."
and "Tell your head...shut up!"
~
"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."
Into Action, Alcoholics Anonymous
Don't dwell in remorse or self pity, however.
The big book tells us that we should not engage in morbid reflection.
My past sponsor would say we are "big deal makers"...and so even when trying to get and stay sober...I would be making a big deal out of it all.
She would say, "you don't have to worry about all that now."
and "Tell your head...shut up!"
~
"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."
Into Action, Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Hey Danica2011...I look at things like that as your Higher Power...Whatever it may be...Put that friend in your life for a reason. I wish you nothing but the best....And a new life. Use this site for support also...Let us know how your journey is going. Sounds like you are off in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Yeah...That's normal....Your going to have some ups and downs the first week or two...You're cutting off what you've been using for awhile...You just have to go through it. Hopefully never again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 48
Oops. Accidentially hit the send button. So my hand was very itchy and I couldn't get comfortable. What do I expect ? I'm trying to break a habit that I've had for close to thirty years . I'm still on board with recovery. I'm doing this. There is no other choice. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Danica2011 
I'm going to AA meetings and am also trying to get into a recovery treatment program that is three weeks. In house . Scary but if I can get in, I'm going.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Danica,
I quit after many decades of progressively more drinking and then the last two years of drinking were having to take shots in my coffee to stop the shakes, and had to use two hands carefully be able to hold the cup steady enough to drink. That switch flipped in my head too. I also did my detox in hospital at a local VA to start me off.
Since then I joined both AA for my first few months, and have been here at SR sober now for a long time. I doubt I would have made it this far without both SR and AA for my first year of sobriety. I took the name Itchy for precisely the reason you are experiencing. I was itchy from head to toe. For me it turned out to be a side effect of going sober that has eased off after six months and was gone a year later. However, I was under my Doc's care and had blood drawn and was monitored pretty closely the first three months after detox.
With that switch flipped for myself I made it; so far, more than a year and a half. I also regained my self respect. I can look in the mirror and see me without the old fear and disgust that I could not quit, and swore to do just that daily, and failed daily. I was drinking at the end from wake up to pass out 24/7 and something had to give. I would have died in reality had I not gotten all the help I could and flipped that switch. I would also take that rehab slot. I never heard of a sober person who did too little to recover, but plenty of failures who were too afraid to get actual help in person face to face. It is the rare person that does it alone and even here is not alone.
You came to the right place. I am no longer itchy, but remain here as Itchy. I guess that itching is a symptom of a drug habit of one sort or another and found some thought that was why my name. Nope I was just your garden variety alcoholic who suffered at my own hand for far too long, and almost finished dieing from that slow suicide of the soul first until the horror was in my face, and once fully realized we can only flip that switch, or give up and take that last slide down.
Glad you are here.
I quit after many decades of progressively more drinking and then the last two years of drinking were having to take shots in my coffee to stop the shakes, and had to use two hands carefully be able to hold the cup steady enough to drink. That switch flipped in my head too. I also did my detox in hospital at a local VA to start me off.
Since then I joined both AA for my first few months, and have been here at SR sober now for a long time. I doubt I would have made it this far without both SR and AA for my first year of sobriety. I took the name Itchy for precisely the reason you are experiencing. I was itchy from head to toe. For me it turned out to be a side effect of going sober that has eased off after six months and was gone a year later. However, I was under my Doc's care and had blood drawn and was monitored pretty closely the first three months after detox.
With that switch flipped for myself I made it; so far, more than a year and a half. I also regained my self respect. I can look in the mirror and see me without the old fear and disgust that I could not quit, and swore to do just that daily, and failed daily. I was drinking at the end from wake up to pass out 24/7 and something had to give. I would have died in reality had I not gotten all the help I could and flipped that switch. I would also take that rehab slot. I never heard of a sober person who did too little to recover, but plenty of failures who were too afraid to get actual help in person face to face. It is the rare person that does it alone and even here is not alone.
You came to the right place. I am no longer itchy, but remain here as Itchy. I guess that itching is a symptom of a drug habit of one sort or another and found some thought that was why my name. Nope I was just your garden variety alcoholic who suffered at my own hand for far too long, and almost finished dieing from that slow suicide of the soul first until the horror was in my face, and once fully realized we can only flip that switch, or give up and take that last slide down.
Glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 48
Thank you so much for those words. Bit by little bit I am feeling better. I'm doing everything I can to get better. To have a healthy mind, body and soul . I hope I still have another 40 or so years to live and I don't want to go to bed every night not remembering the end of the night. I want to be present in my children's lives before they grow up. I want to see them get married (or not) and help them becoming happy and successful adults. I worry that they may develop drinking problems after seeing their parents abuse alcohol. I have so much to stay sober for... Before its too late. I'm so grateful for this site. Thanks again. Xo
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