Family Disappearing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 147
Family Disappearing
I've been feeling very lonely recently and for a while I thought the I was missing the attention of a romantic partner, but now I think it's something else.
My family of origin feels as though they are disappearing (dying, moving, or in addiction or depression). I grew up with quite a lot of family around: A grandparent on both sides, my 2 younger brothers, my parents (until they divorced when I was 18), various aunts, uncles, and cousins. Both of my grandparents have passed (very traumatic for me), my dad is an alcoholic with a new wife who I speak to only when necessary, my youngest brother is studying abroad until July, and my other brother is having issues of his own (depression, possibly addiction) and isn't available. My mom has moved out of state with her boyfriend and won't be back any time soon. My great-aunt is 93 and depressed. My family feels like it's disappearing so rapidly.
It's like I'm grieving the loss of people who haven't really left me, but have 'checked out' for whatever reason. I can detach from my dad and I'm trying to detach from the depressed brother, but I don't think I can lose the rest of them. I want my family back; the way they used to be.
I know that feeling upset about this is kind of pointless. Maybe I'm feeling left behind in life. I was told a few days ago that my great aunt isn't doing very well and she has been a surrogate grandmother to me. It must be triggering some strong emotions.
Thanks for letting me share.
My family of origin feels as though they are disappearing (dying, moving, or in addiction or depression). I grew up with quite a lot of family around: A grandparent on both sides, my 2 younger brothers, my parents (until they divorced when I was 18), various aunts, uncles, and cousins. Both of my grandparents have passed (very traumatic for me), my dad is an alcoholic with a new wife who I speak to only when necessary, my youngest brother is studying abroad until July, and my other brother is having issues of his own (depression, possibly addiction) and isn't available. My mom has moved out of state with her boyfriend and won't be back any time soon. My great-aunt is 93 and depressed. My family feels like it's disappearing so rapidly.
It's like I'm grieving the loss of people who haven't really left me, but have 'checked out' for whatever reason. I can detach from my dad and I'm trying to detach from the depressed brother, but I don't think I can lose the rest of them. I want my family back; the way they used to be.
I know that feeling upset about this is kind of pointless. Maybe I'm feeling left behind in life. I was told a few days ago that my great aunt isn't doing very well and she has been a surrogate grandmother to me. It must be triggering some strong emotions.
Thanks for letting me share.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I do understand, my family is almost non-existant. I have my mother, the drunk, my cousin, the drunk and my brother...basically that's it...everyone else has died.
There are several other cousins who I have not seen in 50 years, I have idea where they are and see no reason to try and find them.
Reach out to your friends, it may help, it does fill a void for me.
There are several other cousins who I have not seen in 50 years, I have idea where they are and see no reason to try and find them.
Reach out to your friends, it may help, it does fill a void for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
((((cb12))))
All the change, in and of itself, is hard.
Are you getting out doing things you love and meeting new people?
I've detached entirely from my parents and siblings, and it has helped a lot to get out and meet new people doing things I love.
All the change, in and of itself, is hard.
Are you getting out doing things you love and meeting new people?
I've detached entirely from my parents and siblings, and it has helped a lot to get out and meet new people doing things I love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 147
Thanks all. My mind has been going a million miles an hour lately and having a nightmare last night didn't help one bit.
I am trying to get better at finding things to do. I live alone and support myself entirely. I have started exercising a bit more regularly and seem to enjoy that. I usually can only handle one or two social events in a week, if that. I have very few friends, so I probably should start trying to meet people somehow.
I am trying to get better at finding things to do. I live alone and support myself entirely. I have started exercising a bit more regularly and seem to enjoy that. I usually can only handle one or two social events in a week, if that. I have very few friends, so I probably should start trying to meet people somehow.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
I understand. In life I started out with one father, one mother, one brother, 4 grandparents, 3 aunts, an uncle and two cousins.
Now my father, uncle, grandparents and one aunt are dead. My brother would go years without calling and is just interested pretty much in his wife's family. If I go back to his state, he'll invite me for a pleasant dinner--but there's no relationship. I'd call every couple months just to chat and he'd always appear to enjoy it, but it never occured to him to make any contact with me, so I let it go.
One aunt had an affair with my husband, so she's out of my life. Another aunt is married and busy with her life, and will visit if I go back to my home state once per visit. But there's no contact otherwise, all very nice and pleasant, but it's got the same emotional value as meeting someone at a high school reunion.
My my cousins I haven't seen in about 9 years, live in two different states and are close to each other and busy with their own lives. I can call my female cousin and it's a nice call, but she never calls back to just chat, so I let that go too.
My mom's a problem and what brought me here. I don't know what to do with her; we are estranged right now. I told her in March that I would not be calling her.
I did all the calling for 20 years and when I hit a rough patch and didn't call, she didn't call me either and then pouted that she hadn't heard from me. I told her the phone works two ways and if she wanted to talk to me she should call. She told me that she always did all the calling with my grandmother. Well, who knew, not me. So I guess I that means I have to do all the calling to her? She got snippy and said she didn't realize she was being 'tested'. She wasn't being tested, but if she was, she failed.
People who care CALL.
I made it very clear if she cared about me or wanted to talk to me, she would have to call from this point forward. It was her turn. I told her that I would not be calling her but would welcome calls from her and she was to call me when she was interested. If you want to talk to me, call; if you don't want to talk to me, don't call. It's been two months and I haven't heard from her. She asked me how often I'd like a call from her and I said once a week. I think it's entirely possible that I will never talk to her again. I'm not so sure I care. I'm not interested in a relationship with her on the old terms and I don't think she wants to set up a new healthier relationship.
So all I have from my family of origin are 2 disinterested cousins, one disinterested aunt, and one disinterested brother and a mother playing martyr. Plus an aunt I won't talk to because she slept with my husband and then ran away without ever trying to fix anything.
I have three sons. Two are great and I am close to them. My second son has a fiancee/girlfriend whom I'm becoming close to. My oldest son is a doper and a drinker and I'm estranged from him after he got violent and nasty. So two people I'm related to I have relationships with down from 13 people.
2011 was absolutely horrible for me, and it a huge crisis at Christmas. I was in such despair and devastation and they knew it--and not one person called to see how I was doing. Not one person in my birth family cared. I could drag myself out of bed, would start crying at work, could barely function and I know my mother and brother knew it, but neither cared.
If I died this minute it would take years, maybe never, for my family to notice. They'd only know because my kids would tell them. If my mother's friend gets a papercut, she's all over them with FB and telephone calls and visits. But if I'm in despair and devastated and near suicidal, ho-hum, oh well... I always called MY mother so I can't call my daughter however low she feels ... and if she feels unimportant, well she just shouldn't test me like this.
During the worst of this time, I had a milestone birthday. I spent a lot of money to fly myself and my kids home for it. Coincidentally my mother had two friends who turned 80 about a month later. My mother arranged the party of the century for her friends. I heard about it weekly, every phone call. There were so many people, games, flowers, food. Was there enough room, was the weather going to be good? One of them got a cruise for a gift. Special invitations and decorations, it was a big, big deal. Pretty much took up four to six months of my mother's life.
What did she arrange for my birthday? Well, she invited my indifferent brother and aunt over, I got two sweaters, and there was a store bought cake and a dinner that was chosen not because it was something I liked, but because it would be quick and convenient to serve all the people who were coming over (my brother and aunt and their spouses--4 extra people).
It's far better to be my mother's friend than her daughter, let me tell you. It would have meant so much to me if she had made some kind of effort for my birthday. When she turned this age, I flew across county with two babies and attended a surprise party for her. It had been such a horrible year for me, and she knew it, and it would have meant so much to me--but she treated my birthday like an after thought and an inconvenience.
I will never spend another birthday with her again. Not mine or hers. She turns 70 in a couple months. She won't be hearing from me. And this year I will make sure I have the best birthday of my life, I am planing it months in advance and I will spend thousands on it and I will have everyone I love and who loves me back there. It's going to be wonderful.
Friends are wonderful. And my boyfriend is wonderful. And my two remaining kids are utter blessings. I don't need these self-absorbed, indifferent, hurtful people I through happenstance happen to be related to. I can instead be around people who actually CARE what happens to me, who care how I feel, people who think I matter.
I can build the family I want and need.
(You know what's funny? Up to just recently my mother would often say, "I'm glad we are such a close family". I would look at her and think she was delusional. We were NEVER close. She's not close to anyone in her blood family. Not me, not her son, not her sisters. She's cordial, but not close. I was the one she was closest too, but I pretty much think I'm done. My kids like her, but they are disappointed by how she's reacted to my oldest son's behavior. They will slowly drift out of her life. She's not close to anyone---although I guess it depends on how you define 'close').
Now my father, uncle, grandparents and one aunt are dead. My brother would go years without calling and is just interested pretty much in his wife's family. If I go back to his state, he'll invite me for a pleasant dinner--but there's no relationship. I'd call every couple months just to chat and he'd always appear to enjoy it, but it never occured to him to make any contact with me, so I let it go.
One aunt had an affair with my husband, so she's out of my life. Another aunt is married and busy with her life, and will visit if I go back to my home state once per visit. But there's no contact otherwise, all very nice and pleasant, but it's got the same emotional value as meeting someone at a high school reunion.
My my cousins I haven't seen in about 9 years, live in two different states and are close to each other and busy with their own lives. I can call my female cousin and it's a nice call, but she never calls back to just chat, so I let that go too.
My mom's a problem and what brought me here. I don't know what to do with her; we are estranged right now. I told her in March that I would not be calling her.
I did all the calling for 20 years and when I hit a rough patch and didn't call, she didn't call me either and then pouted that she hadn't heard from me. I told her the phone works two ways and if she wanted to talk to me she should call. She told me that she always did all the calling with my grandmother. Well, who knew, not me. So I guess I that means I have to do all the calling to her? She got snippy and said she didn't realize she was being 'tested'. She wasn't being tested, but if she was, she failed.
People who care CALL.
I made it very clear if she cared about me or wanted to talk to me, she would have to call from this point forward. It was her turn. I told her that I would not be calling her but would welcome calls from her and she was to call me when she was interested. If you want to talk to me, call; if you don't want to talk to me, don't call. It's been two months and I haven't heard from her. She asked me how often I'd like a call from her and I said once a week. I think it's entirely possible that I will never talk to her again. I'm not so sure I care. I'm not interested in a relationship with her on the old terms and I don't think she wants to set up a new healthier relationship.
So all I have from my family of origin are 2 disinterested cousins, one disinterested aunt, and one disinterested brother and a mother playing martyr. Plus an aunt I won't talk to because she slept with my husband and then ran away without ever trying to fix anything.
I have three sons. Two are great and I am close to them. My second son has a fiancee/girlfriend whom I'm becoming close to. My oldest son is a doper and a drinker and I'm estranged from him after he got violent and nasty. So two people I'm related to I have relationships with down from 13 people.
2011 was absolutely horrible for me, and it a huge crisis at Christmas. I was in such despair and devastation and they knew it--and not one person called to see how I was doing. Not one person in my birth family cared. I could drag myself out of bed, would start crying at work, could barely function and I know my mother and brother knew it, but neither cared.
If I died this minute it would take years, maybe never, for my family to notice. They'd only know because my kids would tell them. If my mother's friend gets a papercut, she's all over them with FB and telephone calls and visits. But if I'm in despair and devastated and near suicidal, ho-hum, oh well... I always called MY mother so I can't call my daughter however low she feels ... and if she feels unimportant, well she just shouldn't test me like this.
During the worst of this time, I had a milestone birthday. I spent a lot of money to fly myself and my kids home for it. Coincidentally my mother had two friends who turned 80 about a month later. My mother arranged the party of the century for her friends. I heard about it weekly, every phone call. There were so many people, games, flowers, food. Was there enough room, was the weather going to be good? One of them got a cruise for a gift. Special invitations and decorations, it was a big, big deal. Pretty much took up four to six months of my mother's life.
What did she arrange for my birthday? Well, she invited my indifferent brother and aunt over, I got two sweaters, and there was a store bought cake and a dinner that was chosen not because it was something I liked, but because it would be quick and convenient to serve all the people who were coming over (my brother and aunt and their spouses--4 extra people).
It's far better to be my mother's friend than her daughter, let me tell you. It would have meant so much to me if she had made some kind of effort for my birthday. When she turned this age, I flew across county with two babies and attended a surprise party for her. It had been such a horrible year for me, and she knew it, and it would have meant so much to me--but she treated my birthday like an after thought and an inconvenience.
I will never spend another birthday with her again. Not mine or hers. She turns 70 in a couple months. She won't be hearing from me. And this year I will make sure I have the best birthday of my life, I am planing it months in advance and I will spend thousands on it and I will have everyone I love and who loves me back there. It's going to be wonderful.
Friends are wonderful. And my boyfriend is wonderful. And my two remaining kids are utter blessings. I don't need these self-absorbed, indifferent, hurtful people I through happenstance happen to be related to. I can instead be around people who actually CARE what happens to me, who care how I feel, people who think I matter.
I can build the family I want and need.
(You know what's funny? Up to just recently my mother would often say, "I'm glad we are such a close family". I would look at her and think she was delusional. We were NEVER close. She's not close to anyone in her blood family. Not me, not her son, not her sisters. She's cordial, but not close. I was the one she was closest too, but I pretty much think I'm done. My kids like her, but they are disappointed by how she's reacted to my oldest son's behavior. They will slowly drift out of her life. She's not close to anyone---although I guess it depends on how you define 'close').
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 147
blueml- Please forgive me if I respond inappropriately to your post, I don't think I quite understand what you meant.
I find it very difficult to find hobbies and thing I like to do, but for me it's worth it to try. People always tell me I need a hobby and I will find one. I would really like to go back to school, but unfortunately that's not an option right now.
I find it very difficult to find hobbies and thing I like to do, but for me it's worth it to try. People always tell me I need a hobby and I will find one. I would really like to go back to school, but unfortunately that's not an option right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 147
Wow, SadHeart, I'm so sorry to hear that your mother has been so hurtful.
You're right on target when you said "I can build the family I want and need." I think I need to start doing the same. Family of origin is only one type of family. I need to expand my mind and appreciate the people who are truly close to me. Thanks for sharing.
You're right on target when you said "I can build the family I want and need." I think I need to start doing the same. Family of origin is only one type of family. I need to expand my mind and appreciate the people who are truly close to me. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
cb,
A couple of things come to mind that depending on how much time you have could be fun.
1) I used to take classes at the adult education center, usually they were a few evenings or 1 or 2 Saturdays, just fun things I was interested in.
2) Consider volunteering, girls clubs, local school, food bank, womens shelter, some will take as little as a couple of hours a month.
Just some ideas, hope this helps.
Bill
A couple of things come to mind that depending on how much time you have could be fun.
1) I used to take classes at the adult education center, usually they were a few evenings or 1 or 2 Saturdays, just fun things I was interested in.
2) Consider volunteering, girls clubs, local school, food bank, womens shelter, some will take as little as a couple of hours a month.
Just some ideas, hope this helps.
Bill
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