CloudyDays

i have "quit" so many times but it doesn't stick. the only time i had a long stretch of dryness was when i was trying to have a baby and then i had 2 babies. who i love. a five year period. now i'm hiding it and killing myself.

i'm looking for a "moment" to decide to quit. but it hasn't happened because it is too easy. i never endanger my kids. it is always moments alone that i get the job done. not every night but the nights i can do this i smash a 12 pack in 2 hours and then come home.

even though it is not every night, i am sick all the time. my middle to lower back hurts. i know it is my kidneys. and yet... no one notices. i can smash a 12 pack, come home and act normal. ugh. that is sick. i hate myself.

i am constantly looking for that "thing" that makes me quit, but it never happens. besides the fact that since i started doing this, i've gained 30 pounds.

what a sad thing to realize there is not going to be a big moment that makes you quit. that it is something you need to conjure up.

**** . i'm going to die if i don't fix this.

just venting.

CD

Dee74

Why not find more support CD - whether it's AA SMART AVRT, counselling or whatever...I think reaching out for help can really help us turn things around.

And see your Dr - get a check up - if there's a problem it's better for you and your kids to know now, right?

but if you're like me, you're likely to find the pains aren't as terminal as you fear

D

least

There wasn't any one 'thing' that made me quit, rather it was a point of desperation, that I couldn't go on living like that one more day. I'd look for the answer within you, not from outside you.

One thing you said that worries me: you pound a twelve pack and then come home... do you drive home? I hope not.

hypochondriac

Welcome Cloudydays,

I have no idea how long it was that I was waiting for the right moment to quit. In the end I quit 5 months after coming here. It felt kinda flat, there was no eureka moment, like Least said, just a point of desperation. The good news is that, for me, things started getting better very quickly. Don't worry about the lead up to getting sober, look forward to what's going to happen afterwards

sissy07

Cloudy Days,

I think I understand what you are going through....been there myself. The problem is that there are many things that could make you stop.

Alcoholism is progressive. If you think that a twelve pack will always be enough, you are only kidding yourself. It progresses to wanting more, more more.

You will have a traffic accident, which may only hurt you, but could cause death for an unspecting innocent driver on the road....or one of your precious children.

You will lose the respect of your family and friends - to the point that they may feel they can't handle being around you.

You are running a dysfunctional home. This will affect your children in ways you can not imagine.

Your husband, or significant other will eventually have enough, and leave you...with the kids and any financial support you may be getting.

You will (if you don't already) have zero self-respect, leading to the hell of not caring at all about yourself....which draws all kinds of scum into your life.

This is just a few of the things....you eventually will lose everything you have that you didn't think you would ever lose - that includes your health, which it sounds like you may be on that road.

You obviously know you need to quit. It will never get better and quitting will never get harder. You sound like a person with a conscience, and know that you deserve better than this. I was the worst case I know of, and I conquered not drinking for 8 months and am beginging to feel almost normal. Forgive yourself (which means makiing amends, eventually). This may sound melodramatic, but you are figthing for your life, and that of your kids. Do you want them to grow up with a drunk mother? Of course you don't.

Keep reading and explore the various methods all of have used to get sober. You know, it starts with you, and you are brave to post on this forum....that shows me your have the drive and want to conquer this. You may be facing a life of happiness or a life of tragedy....pick the latter. There is nothing but understanding and wisdom on this board. And in the meantime you need face to face support. You are far from being alone. When you are ready, you will do something. Until then you risk your freedom and your life and the life of your children every day. Sorry for the terse 'come on now", but you have got to get it together right now. There is no time in the future it will get worse. Bless you. I have been where you are at, and it is not hopeless. Love to you and your family. All you have to do is quit drinking. Hell at first, but it turns around very quickly. Go see a doctor and get involved in a recovery program. We are all here for you. Dont' delay - something bad will happen, I promise you. YOu do not want that kind of wake up call, and your children don't deserve it. Much love, Elizabeth

2granddaughters

C.D. I've been there
The only thing that I can suggest is printing out your post and getting down on your knees tonight and reading it to God.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

NatalieN

Hey CloudyDays:

I have managed to put a few days of sobriety together now after having a similar experience to yours. The satisfaccion of waking up in the morning to the realization that I didn't drink the day before feels a million times better than the high I ever got from booze. The 'thing' you are waiting for could be a DUI, a kitchen fire, or worse. Cut your losses, count your blessings and make a commitment to a sober life. Countless have and you are not different. All you need is to change the circumstances leading to that first beer, a solid plan and the support of like-minded people in pursuit of the same goals. Best of luck to you. You can do it.
natalie

Anna

CloudyDays, I hope that you take action and don't just wait for the right moment to come.

Talk to your dr and make the changes you need to make for yourself and your children.

perea3

You are not alone. I have been going through this for 20 years. There is never a good,right or wrong time to quit. I'll say prayers for you and I tonight. Good luck sweetheart we need it.

freshstart57

Sissy07, that was an excellent summary of where I was, and what I learned 8 months ago. I could not have said it any better. Very well done.

IndaMiricale

You can be the one to show those kids how good things can be.

eJoshua

The worst thing about waiting for a bottom is that often times it doesn't come, or if it does it's far too late to do anything about it. Your life goes into damage control. Try to be proactive and get off the ride before it crashes.

As far as finding the right time to quit, I know for me the best day to quit was always tomorrow. Tonight I'll drink and I'll quit drinking tomorrow. I spent a long time waiting for tomorrow. Truth is there is no good time to quit. The best thing to do is jump into it and get withdrawal over with so you can move on with your life. Of course, seeing a doctor before stopping is a very good idea, so maybe setup an appointment and then you can quit after that.

DisplacedGRITS

Welcome Cloudy. I've recently started going to AA and by reaching out to the community of fellow alcoholics have found the kinship and support and hope that's kept me going. Between that, medication and therapy, i finally feel like i have some kind of hope for sobriety. Look around and reach out for all the tools available to you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. No one expects you to walk the path of recovery alone so don't even try to. Get help.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, CloudyDays.

Let's take a moment to ponder these two parts of your post:

It begs the question: if that's not the sign you're looking for, what is?

I know I kept drinking long after I had seen my sign... and another... and another. I mean, I was checking my eyes for signs of jaundice toward the end. And yet still I drank. And then somehow it occurred to me there was no bottom. I would just keep falling... and falling... and falling. I realized I had to do something to stop my descent—and right away.

So why did it take me so long to act, when I was miserable and secretly terrified that I was killing myself? Here's why: I was also terrified of life without alcohol. I envisioned unrelenting stress and boredom, an unending grind devoid of any joy—how could I get through a day, let alone a lifetime like that?

I'll let you in on a secret: That was all a lie my addiction told me to keep me drinking. Life is less stressful, more interesting, and more enjoyable now. I sleep better, I look better, I feel better. My time with my daughter is so much more fun and rewarding. Even bad days are a lot more manageable.

You don't have to be scared anymore. You can quit, and escape this cycle once and for all. Anyone can. The proof is everywhere you look on SR. I know it seems so hard—but please, take a leap of faith. I promise you will be glad you did.

instant

Just keep on having a go. You only have to get it right one time

SSIL75

How old are your children, Cloudy?

sissy07

Cloudy Days,

I can't get you out of my mind. Probably because I see so much of myself in you. Please update us. Bless your heart and that of your family. Nothing but love and understanding for you. I wish I could help you more. Don't kid yourself, you have it in you to beat this thing....this forum is full of stories (of what can happen if you don't quit now, and of that can happen when you apply yourself). Miracles can happen....but it begins with you. Please.....you have a lot to lose, honey.

Zebra1275

sissy07 said everything I would have in her first reply.

She also said Alcoholism is progressive. If you think that a twelve pack will always be enough, you are only kidding yourself.

So true. Except you probably won't drink more beer, beer takes too long. Liquor's quicker, the next progression is probably shots along with your beer.

freshstart57

Always obsessed with efficiency and how to optimize the outcome of almost any process, I soon decided that Smirnoff vodka was the cheapest and quickest way to get drunk. And I did, for years.

I knew in my heart that 'someday' this foolishness would end, and it would end badly or somewhat less badly, depending on when it ended. One Monday morning, I realized that quitting this was getting harder every day, my daily withdrawal routine was more and more painful. If quitting was getting harder every day, that meant that the best time (there's that optimization obsession again) to quit was:

NOW

When you quit, it will be in the present moment, no matter when you get around to it. Pick this present moment. It is really the only one there is.

jwaco

Couldn't have said it better myself! Neat on brother