Starcruiser

Hey arrrgh just posted all this but I wasn't logged in. I can't remember if I am allowed to use my real name but I am 28 and I am an Australian male. A brief history of my use:

17: Begin drinking. Love it. Shows signs of alcholic behaviour early on
18: Begin smoking pot. Adore it. Continues for many years
19: Discover ecstasy. Love it so much though the comedowns hurt. Addictive behaviour with it, always want more and more, desperate not to come down
20s: steal from four jobs to fund addiction, countless embarrassing and shameful incidents relating to being intoxicated, inappropriate sexual behaviour, shoot up speed and ice for the first time, despite swearing I would never do that
; I do have a lot of good times, but there are more bad times, mainly solitary drinking, my teeth start to rot, rarely see family, emotional breakdowns, drinking at work, living to drink basically

24 decide I have to do something. Go to rehab for three months. introduced to AA think it is crap. Am appreciating sober benefits but hate being told what to do and cannot wait to drink. Bust after three months. Spend some time on the street and at a mates house, prostituting myself and scrounging drinks, before trying another rehab, again hit the three month mark then bust, go in again, bust again.

25 do a 9 month stint at a long term rehab. Stay clean for six months but constantly fantasise about drinking and getting high. Bust at the six month mark drinking, shooting up . Get away with it, so do it again for a few more times but I feel like a fraud and I'm eventually caught.

26 live with a couple of guys who don't really drink, but I often inflict selfish addict behaviour on them, sporadically go to AA, work at a job I hate occasional speed binge. At end of year decide I can't take it anymore

27 go and live with Mum. Am clean for a year. Join a gym, study, do voluntary work, go to a self help group, still constantly fantasise about drinking and especially feel low on Friday and Saturday nights. Get into natural rememdies like GABA, l-tryptophan, spirulina etc. Am convinced they will help me, as I think I have brain damage.

at the end of that year, I go home and take three l-tryptophan tabs and remember I have 5 valium tablets sitting in my draw from a year ago...the mild high it gives me then spurs me on a two week rampage where I shoot up MDMA, drink heavily get kicked out of home to stay in a motel, break into my Mums house leave needles all over the place. Just awful. Detox hell. Right before Xmas, the shame and disgust I felt at myself was....hell. Sheer hell.

28 Mum and I both decide its best if I move out. I am here now in my tiny "studio apartment", still working, but having a week of sobriety then back on it, and I have just come off 5 days. I am living in squalor, I look like ****, and I am losing hope. I see a psych and a counsellor, but NOTHING on this Earth is more powerful than a f*(king liquid in a bottle and I HATE it, I hate you alcohol, I hate how easy it is to get and I hate the power you have over me.

Now its time to try again. I'm so sick of the false starts, the letdowns....on a separate note, what do people think about Antabuse? I have worked out that a lot of my drinking is spontaneous maybe it could help? Aside from the obvious health effects the grog is having on me, the worst of all is the confusion in my brain. I'll pass out at 6 in the evening and wake up at 9 thinking it is the morning. I have weird thoughts and my sense of time and perception is screwed up. Thanks for reading my story...

kittycat3

Thanks for sharing starcruiser. I'm new around here too but am so glad to be here. I'm only on day 4. Have you tried other sobriety programs, other than AA?

Dee74

welcome staircruiser

I was in a similar situation for many years - it only got worse, not better, until I reached out for some help .

I found SR really helped me turn things around - there's a lot of support and ideas here

I have no idea about antabuse - never used it but you really need to talk to a Dr as it's not suitable for everyone, as I understand it.

D

least

to the family.

hypochondriac

Welcome Starcruiser. Wow, quite a journey you've been on... I'm early in recovery too but I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice here x

Starcruiser

I wrote that post at about 1am last night, its 10 am. Despite my head giving me some grief, I got some sleep. Today is meant to me my sobriety day.I threw my wine out in the bin last night becasuse I was sure. I cannot begin to tell you how physically awful I feel. My stomach hurts, I'm depressed every time I look at my place because it is just so filthy and I just feel so down that thoughts of drinking have crept into my head. I just don't think I can do this. I don't want to kill myself, because of my family but it feels like torture going on this way. I rung my counsellor but he's in a meeting. The nearest detox is about an hour away and they are so hard to get into. Someone mentioned trying other programs, yes I did a great one last year called Changing Habits. I feel like I know so much about this stuff I am always reading about addiction it is the doing part I can't master, and of course that is the important part. WHy did I have to become an addict? Feel very sorry for myself....

kittycat3

YOU are more powerful than all that crap Starcruiser. YOU are. Believe it. Now what other avenues can you try to get sober?

Hevyn

Starcruiser - my heart goes out to you, but I've been there too. Once I gave up the fantasy that I could be a social drinker I began to heal. It was once an impossible thought, "I can never drink another drop" - but until I was convinced of that I kept slowly destroying myself.

You can halt the progress of this disease. You're obviously intelligent and resourceful. We believe in you, and we're here to help you through this. You never have to feel this miserable and desperate again. Your real life is waiting for you.

IndaMiricale

Welcome to SR

FlyerFan

Welcome. We do hope you will stay.

Starcruiser

Hey everyone, so since that last post (and thank you for your replies), I drunk two bottles, next day went to the doctor for some valium and Antabuse. I have always been scared of Antabuse because....I don't know side effects or whatever, but I have a new hope now because of them. I have only been on them three days, the only thing I have noticed is that my stomach feels a bit odd at times, but the fact that I know that if I drink I WILL get sick is incredible. It feels like a miracle drug. HOWEVER...I am fully aware it is just an aid. I know I need to continue working on myself and I have plans on how I am going to do that. I will share them with you, in case it helps anyone else out:

* spend time with my Mum, sister, uncle and nephews. I love my little nephews and six year olds can't help but make you smile. I also love my Mum and she is a lovely woman. Spending time with your family (if you're lucky enough to have a good one) is a much nicer alternative to spending the evening with the bottle. It doesn't make you 'high' but it does make you feel like you are a part of life, rather than apart from life.

*I am going on a three day health retreat specifically for gay men. I realise that I have a lot of resentment towards the way I have been treated and the feeling of being an outsider is perfect breeding grounds for relapse. Making myself "a part of", despite my anxiety about being away with a group of strangers for a weekend will be good for my mental health.

*Exercise. I struggle with this, because when I am drinking, I am lazy, lethargic and have no energy. I plan on slowly integrating it back into my life. For example, today I am going to the pool with my nephews, so instead of driving the five minutes to my sisters house, I will walk. I plan to slowly ease my way back in and hopefully get my self back to the gym (after all, I am paying for it!)

*eating better. When I drink, I don't care. I'll eat fast food and lots of it. I must admit I do love fast food. But when I'm sober, I'm a lot more concious about the food I buy at the grocery store. For instance, I bought vegetables, meat, tuna, food good for the body. I can't say I will give up fast food, but honestly, it's the lesser of two evils so I'm ok with that right now

*I will continue to see my counsellor on a regular basis as well as reading positive things about sobriety. I am a very sensitive guy and when I read about abuse and see documentaries on human rights abuses, it haunts me and sticks in my head. I pledge to try to watch funny dvds for a while and do things to make me feel happy.

I am sure there will be some people who think Antabuse is ''cheating''. I say no, it's not. I have been trying to get clean for a long time and I have proven that I can't do it alone (right now). I am thrilled at having this aid that will stop my spontaneous drinking (because like many addicts, I am spontaneous and reckless) and I feel like this is going to be the help I need at the moment to help me put the work into a happier, healthier life. I have been hating myself long enough. I hope this helps any one else and I thank you for reading.

Sapling

That sounds pretty good....You say you sporadically tried AA before...You wouldn't be up for giving that a little more whole hearted effort again?

shooter

Hi Starcruiser,

I got to the point where I felt like I was dead already. I knew that if I didn't quit drinking completely and forever that the only thing I really had to look forward to was dying. No life, no fun, just a miserable drunken existence followed by death. I've had enough misery.

A few years ago I got a DUI (my second actually) and they made me put one of those interlocks in my car that you have to blow into to start the car. You know what? It worked. I didn't quit drinking completely back then of course but it absolutely kept me from drinking and driving - so whatever keeps you from drinking is a good thing right?

artsoul

I agree with shooter - if it works for you, go for it!

Your ideas sound great. One of the biggest benefits is feeling good about yourself again - I love that feeling! I also found that I could act a lot more spontaneous and my sense of humor is so much better, now that I'm sober. It's that feeling of "connection" that you talked about.

Congrats on 3 days!!

flutter

Welcome

Starcruiser

Yes, I have thought about it. I was pretty staunch against it for a while but I went to my first meeting about three weeks ago for the first time in a year and a half and it was really good. I guess I would just want it as an aid for me, you know, like I don't want to do evertything the AA way and there are some staunch members that put me off. I like a lot of the connection and that part of it, I just don't want to be pressured into thinking that AA is the ONLY way to be sober (not from you, from them). I think there are a lot of important aspects in recovery: body, mind and spirit, and AA is good with the spirit, and to some degree the mind, but ignores the body. When we have been putting so many toxins in our bodies all this time, that needs to be addressed as well. But thank you for your note.

foodie1

Welcome starcruiser, glad you're here!

Sapling

It was just a thought...I'm pretty picky about who I hang out with in AA. Going to a good BBQ today with a bunch of them. The way I look at it. Anything that can help you stay sober is worth a shot.

Starcruiser

So feeling quite positive about things, have noticed that today I am having, er, bowel issues, only on day 4 of taking the Antabuse so perhaps it is just getting into my system. Luckily I am not working. Drinking lots of water. At night I make myself say ten good things I have done either for myself or someone else that day. And what I regret doing or saying. It's a slippery slope, ideas and resentments and reactions don't change overnight but as they say 'progress, not perfection'.

sugarbear1

I hated AA at the age of 25. Today, I know it saved my life.

Have you read about AVRT? It's online. Try reading it. If you do choose to get to AA, there are meetings for different groups of people. If they say it's the only way, they are wrong, even the AA book says it's not the only way and isn't for everyone. Just go in with an open mind and keep reading the book (it's also online and in an audio version).

Whatever it takes, do it well!
Glad you are here.
Best wishes!
Love & hugs,