desertsong

The topic of our meeting yesterday was "playing the victim" and it was really eye-opening. This whole idea of "poor me, pour me a drink" really resonated with me because I'm finding that a lot of my drinking was directed AT people, places and things. If my day wasn't going well, I'd drink. If the woman at the grocery store was rude to me, I'd drink. If one of my kids was acting up, I'd drink. If it was raining when I wanted it to be sunny, I'd drink. I always seemed to let outside influences give me an excuse to pick up a bottle instead of looking inwardly ... it was always YOUR fault that I drank.

One of the members of our group shared with us that one day he was complaining to his sponsor about his wife, his boss, and all of the other situations and people that "made" him drink ... he felt like the victim of everyone else's abuse and felt very taken advantage of. His sponsor said to him, "If you're such a victim, then why are you always at the scene of the crime?" I love that!

I'm curious how many of us played the "victim" in order to give ourselves permission to drink. Did you blame other people, places and things for your drinking?

hypochondriac

Yep. I blamed my drinking spiralling out of control on the fact that I was forced to stop self-harming when I was 17. I forget that my 'alcoholic' reaction to alcohol started when I was 12, stealing drinks etc and that I only started self-harming at 14. After I got my drinking under control a little, I was just a 'big drinker' and didn't need to blame anyone, that was just the way I was. But whenever I felt out of control I would always just blame that one incident for every drink I had since.

Good topic

kittycat3

Totally! I just introduced myself on these boards yesterday saying how I slipped due to my failing marriage and divorce. I could also say I have done that repeatedly in all my relapsing over the last 3 years.

Sapling

What was the common denominator in every failed relationship I've been in?....Hmmmm

2granddaughters

A poll showed that 90% admitted to blaming others for our drinking.. and 10% lied.

Bob R

Johnny3times

yup, more times than i care to remember...i used to blame my past alot... got some real hardcore issues from my past, i wont go into detail (i dont think that sorta stuff belongs here) but its enough...trust me! and id think to myself 'if anyone else wouldve been through what i have they would be a drunk! or in prison or dead! (see me justifying my drinking there? lol) but ya know what..there came a point where i had to stop blaming, seek appropriate help for the issues, then i took responsibilty to change my thinking, was quite hard at first to get my head around that one, but i got there , and the fact that i dont blame that anymore and dont drink on it was liberating...and quite a powerful story in meetings btw...
sorry im rambling off on my story there lol but yeah i know what you mean about blaming the silly stuff too

Anna

Omigosh yes!

One of the hardest things for me to admit at the outset of recovery was that I loved playing the victim. I knew the role inside out and I was excellent at it. I had to accept that I could have taken action and I didn't and that was a hard lesson. But, I am so grateful to have learned this and to now know I have boundaries in my life.

Primrose

I love it too! I used to blame work, other people, my anxiety, my depression etc., for stressing me out, which I drank over in order to "cope". It's funny how much all of those things have improved since I quit. I wasn't the victim, I was the perpetrator.

sugarbear1

Always. I was always the victim of circumstances. As that person said, I was the only constant in each situation.... UGH!

The 4th step helps immensely with this stuff!

kittycat3

HA!!! Hilarious Bob!!

stairs

You betcha! It was my husband's fault: he "ruined my life". My daughter's fault for getting into trouble. My other daughter's fault because who could blame me, look what I have to cope with all by myself all these years. Who could blame me for drinking? Who wouldn't drink?

And after all this is America!! Everybody drinks!! My sister, my parents, my Irish blood, my family history.

Whew what a load of B.S.

I like that "scene of the crime" comment

Mark75

Oh, I can play the victim well.

In sobriety it is even more insidious and dangerous for me. I am, thankfully, not often thinking of a drink when that victim thing rears up. Worse...

See, for me, when I go to victim mode, then somebody or something caused whatever I feel victimized or shorted or disregarded about. then it becomes about resentment and, here is the especially bad part... Some type of retribution, mostly of the guilt producing passive aggressive kind towards another, needs dispensing.

Ugly.

That's why it is soooo important for me to apply much of what is discussed in the steps.... And for you non-steppers, it's all the stuff like... Understanding our part in whatever we feel victimized over... Just good interpersonal skills, insight, compassion... And taking responsibility for self... All That...

If I feel like the victim, in anything, unless I was walking down a safe street in the daytime and was randomly assaulted.... If I feel like a victim, somehow, I know I am in territory that needs some self inventory and reflection right quick.

Threshold

This is an area I am really confused in. I had a rough childhood. But so have so many many people. I know, have always known mine wasn't as rough as many. So why do I feel so unable to deal with life? My failing, somehow...

I never really blamed my using on anyone, only on my inability or unwillingness to deal with life.

So, is that still playing victim? I never used because life is unfair or horrible, I used because I don't know how to deal with life, which is no better or worse than anyone else's life.

I have used many methods, programs, plans, approaches to dealing with life to varying degrees of success. Using was NOT one of the successful approaches.

I've done my fourth step and see many patterns where I need to let go of my defects, many ways I use destructive strategies in my life. I'm not guiltless or faultless.

I don't deal well with life. I don't know if it's my fault or not, but it sure isn't anyone else's fault. I sorta feel like I have a mental/emotional birth defect, and I haven't yet figure out how to compensate for it effectively.

ReluctantHope

I read the original post early this morning and immediately I though that's me! Then after I thought about it for a while I realized something even worse. I truly did "play" the victim just so I can have an excuse to drink so much. I pretty much have a good life other than I'm an alcoholic. I had a great childhood, wonderful parents, grandparents, and a very close extended family. I very rarely have a stressful work day, and my husband and I both have good jobs. When I would get home from work I would tell my husband what a horrible day I had at work (a lie) and poured myself some wine which of course turned into a bottle when he was home. 2-3 bottles if he was working nights. I think I originally started drinking heavily due to boredom because I spent so much time alone. I would entertain myself every night with my own private party watching You Tube and drinking all night. Now that I'm on day 25 with no drink I see how horrible that was. I feel even worse about lying about my life so I can drink than I do about lying about how much I was really drinking and how often.

OCDDan

I don't remember playning the victim over anything, I just headed for the bottle, didn't even know why, I think i've been more of a perpetrator than a victim..

least

Always. It was always something that was wrong or in my way or against me. Looking back it amazes me how i was a victim. Always a victim, never a victor. So glad I'm done with that...

ulverston

people places and things...
i drank over all of them.

ill drink this poison in the hope that it kills you..

unbelievable thinking

katrinka

My drinking really got worse when I used it to deal (or not deal) with a big "hurt" in my life. I totally blamed this other person and used my hurt feelings to validate my drinking. The alcohol just made it all worse and caused me more problems. I made a great victim for sure!! I still feel hurt but I'm slowly getting over it and I feel so much better about myself. I think forgiveness is one of the hardest things God wants us to do.

NewBeginning010

Love it! "If you're such a victim, then why are you always at the scene of the crime?"

sugarbear1

Threshold, have you done your 5th with your sponsor? That is where I learned my patterns and so much more, through that really long conversation with my sponsor. Then moved into 6 & 7 that night, it needed to be done.