willpower12

Hi guys.

First of all- I have to say that I have been coming to this site for a little while without signing up. Just reading. It helped me a LOT when I was struggling to come to terms with my HFA's problem. Other than alcohol, denial was his vice.

I just left him yesterday. After minor fight the night before, we woke up still upset. Anything with regards to alcohol was his trigger. Literally acting/saying that I was "ripping" the relationship apart or "causing him to put up walls that he doesn't know will come down" and it was all "My fault, I'm creating a problem that is not there."

My problem is that it IS there. My ex drinks every single day. Few drinks during the week, many on the weekend. When we went on vacation he drank from morning until night- so much so that others said something to him. He drinks and drives. When we initially came together I wasn't sure if this was uncommon...t mean I come from a more conservative home and maybe this is what most people are like. But after people came forward with concerns (after seeing him at a function, etc) I knew that something wasn't right. It was even worse when I tried to talk to him. The denial, despite my CLEAR suffering was excruciating. I truly was and am concerned for his health, and my requests were simple: take 1 or 2 nights off of drinking. But he would not do it. (Said he couldn't or "its not that easy", etc, etc,etc)

So yesterday, after we woke up from our fight the night before, he told me he doesn't think we can be together unless "i accept him for him". I told him I do, but I don't accept the bottle as a constant in our lives. For christ sake, EVERY DAY i come home to him tipsy/drunk. I just want someone who is THERE fully present who I can relate to. This is SUCH A DIFFICULT thing because he is so successful. He is running two businesses, one of which is health based and so easily gives him the tools to help himself cope with the anxiety and pain that causes him to drink. but nada.

So yesterday after he told me that "i need to choose to accept him or not" and that "at the moment he is unsure of how he feels" he left to work. I packed my bags and wrote him a letter telling him i loves him,but cannot accept the bottle, functioning or not.

I have to be honest, I was hoping he would see what i see and call me after receiving this letter. But it is clear that the bottle means more to him that i do.

THIS above ALL is so painful. I read so many stories where men realize they have a problem, try to work on it, fall through the cracks, but try again. I mean- i want to work through this with him. but i cannot force him to see.

Thanks to letting me vent....I woke up just so heartbroken. I feel like a big piece of me is gone. Such an amazing man...but so dependent. It is so so sad.


Have you guys experienced something similar?

Seren

Hello willpower12, Welcome to SR! This is a great place for support and information.

I'm sorry you are in pain. Your story is quite familiar to many of us. Others will be along soon to share their own experiences, but it is a bit quiet on the weekends.

For an alcoholic in active addiction, it sometimes isn't "just that easy". Willpower alone is frequently not enough. Your ex needs to become so uncomfortable in his addiction that he makes the decision to change his behavior--and he is the only one who can do that and ultimately reach out for the help he needs. There are many paths to sobriety, but he will have to want it more than anything else.

One of the very first things I learned here and in a local Al-Anon group is a concept called the 3C's:

I did not cause the drinking.
I cannot control the alcoholic or his/her recovery.
I cannot cure the alcoholic.

Welcome, again! I'm glad you found us, but so very sorry for what brings you here.

HG

willpower12

Thank you so much HG. Just having someone to write back helps. I am so heartbroken right now. I am half beating myself up for leaving, as I wonder if we could have worked through it if I had tried harder, and am also reeling in pain from the fact that he has.not.called. or reached out. NOTHING.

I feel as though our relationship meant nothing to him. We were living together...planning to get married. He through that away.

In the letter I made it clear: that I love him, not the bottle. I hoped that it would hit him, and he would decide to make a change in his life.

I was wrong...

dollydo

He is not ready to quit, he may never be. This is a progressive disease, when left untreated will only get worse and unfortunately, there is no cure.

Keep reading around all the Family & Friends section, and don't forget the stickeys at the top of each forum, lots of good information at your fingertips.

RedCandle

A member here named "TerminallyUnique" really helped me get through a similar stage of thinking.

I was in awe when my alcoholic relapsed. Does the BOTTLE ever hug back? Does the BOTTLE cook you dinner and bake for you? Can the BOTTLE spend a lifetime with you??? (well..I guess it can!)

Anyway, Terminally explained that during these dark points, the alcoholic's brain has/will cast me as the 'enemy'...the monster that keeps him from easily enjoying his booze.

When I thought of it that way...I had an easier time letting go.

If in the depths of his disease I am the "enemy"...I can't ask myself if he ever loved me or still does. There's a difference between HIM and his DISEASE and right now I'm not dealing with HIM.

If you can look from that perspective, it may help.

In time there may be more clarity.

willpower12

Dollydo- thank you...I force myself to remember that..

Redcandle- thank you for sharing. I completely relate to feeling that way. I was always (and still am) SO SHOCKED how angry and defensive he would become when I would try to discuss this. I would always say, "I am coming from a place of love, please stop yelling at me." but he would refuse to listen just argue argue argue "I am so successful, I have a house, I have this, that, I workout...etc. And here you are creating a problem where there isn't one." If there isn't one then why can't you stop? Why can't you even TRY to cut back when you SEE I am hurt by this?

He called me pushy, bossy, naive, controlling, crazy. At times I thought I was going crazy..until I reminded myself: I don't want to kiss him when he reeks of alcohol, or have him fall asleep when I'm speaking to him while he's in a drunk stupor, I don't want to see him staggering around, giddy acting like a 2 year old ...

AH. Such a smart smart man...why can't he just SEE THIS. I really thought and still do hope that my leaving him would make him realize...

BuffaloGal

Well, I'd think you were dating my aexh, except that he just got married.

Anyway, my belief is that many alcoholics do see, way down where they're still honest with themselves... although that can be a very small place and very far down.

That's where the defensiveness and demonizing comes from-- the need to avoid admitting what there is a problem (as far as I can tell, avoiding looking at a problem was generally what prompted my ex to pick up a bottle in the first place). If they didn't see it at some level, there would be no cause to be defensive or find someone besides themselves to cast in the role of the bad guy. It's like a child's reasoning: even if you know it, if you don't admit it, it isn't so.

willpower12

I know..its so hard though. Even the comment about you aexh getting married..it makes wonder if had I stuck it out if...?

AHH. Such a touch day today. I have been doing everything not to think about it. It's crazy though. He didn't call me. I LEFT him. I wrote a note that was coming from a place of love and I clearly said: it is your drinking. He just let me go.


Thats it. Love, future, our plans together, GONE. And he can't even muster up the strength to fight?? I don't think he thought I would have left...but I did.

Shadydeal

Thank you, I struggle with this the most. I think I should read the book. Thank you for mentioning it.