New here, and hanging on to the edge with my fingernails.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Seattle, Wa.
Posts: 5
New here, and hanging on to the edge with my fingernails.
Hi, I have just found this forum and feel that it is the first step of "many" that I need to take, if in fact I ever want to feel any resemblence of sanity in my life again.
I will write an outline, but want to make it clear that I don't consider myself a "victim", I just need to be sure I am doing the right thing about it all, and God knows there is enough experience on this board.
Here goes, whew it is so complicated....
I met and married my husband 22+ years ago.
We both drank and partied, but he never knew when to stop.
I was always willing to stop when last call was given, not him, he needed to step out of the bar a few minutes before closing time, to grab a 6 pack to take home.
We drove over the State Line, got drunk and got married.
He was in the Navy.
I got very ill 2 weeks later, and nearly died with a kidney problem.
10 months later my Dad (best friend) died from a 2 year battle with Cancer. I was his pet.
My Dad never touched a drop of alcohol in his life, but I partied hearty and worried him incessantly.
It was a pretty hairy start to married life thats for sure.
My husband would do such stupid things, like pick up a woman, and write a check for the motel room!
When I was pregnant with our only son I cleaned up my act.
It took a few more years for him and a DWI, totaled car, and a deferred prosecution in exchange for his rehab.
We owned our first home, had a great little boy and he got sober.
For 12 YEARS!!! Wow, what an accomplishment huh?
In our sons teen years my husband started to just have a beer on occasion. I was worried, but felt that he had "matured" (I know...) It progressed, but he still kept a few of the RULES, not ever driving while drinking was a big one. (he justified it was "only beer" we both knew better.)
Then our son started dabbling in drugs and alcohol.
A son that was given way to much by us, had never had to face consequences for his actions, never had to work for his own money, etc. A son that had a really bright Professional Baseball future.
I was the "witch" Dad was the buddy, plain and simple.
I tried to enforce the things a child needs to learn, but was always ignored or humiliated for doing my job as a Mom.
It was the "Boys Club" and there was little room for me.
I lined up an interventionist, and treatment as our Sons life careened out of control. I insisted on treatment for 28 days, or he would have to leave our home. (That was hard).
dad did not think the problem was serious...Joni was overreacting, AS USUAL.....
Our Son called our bluff, and went to live at a well known Stoner's house. My husband freaked out (The Baseball Reputation was at stake) and left our 20 year marriage to rent an apt. across from the school (to get him through his senior year...)
Dad was living the lost Baseball Dream through the son.
It was then that the drinking became an everynight thing.
For both of them........
I lived in our home alone for 6 months.
My employment was going to end, son was turning 18, and husband hated his job.
Wow, lets move to a picture perfect place and live happily ever after....oh my God....
Sold the home here.
Bought the picture perfect home by the lake in a neighboring state. Put the son in Community College 130 miles away at a cost of half of our savings, only to find out the drinking and drugging, and tickets, and wrecked cars, and bounced checks did not stop.
My husband drank, the neighbors drank, there was not much else to do in that resort town. I fell into a hole. I missed my hometown and family. I figured out that if I got up and took a tranquilizer and had 2 Margaritas I could go back to bed to try to tune it all out. I knew better, husband did not seem to care... I knew it was not OK. I stopped it after a couple months. I knew it was not "fixing" anything. Son came home for the summer, drunk minors on the premises a lot, husband drank and drove, (he broke one of the last rules) Son stole our car and took out the carport pillar (drunk) I had had enough...I split the small savings we had left in half that night by internet banking, and had my move completed by the next weekend.
Son went back to College, got in trouble with the law, drinking, etc. kicked off the team, quit school because of it all.
And he moved back into the house I had just left, with Dad.
Husband is drinking nightly, Son was probably too.
I was trying so hard in my little apartment, looking for work, shooting off resumes, working on myself, finally feeling "safe" at night as I locked my own door and went to bed. I had felt like a "hostage" for a lot of years as I had no control over the dysfunction in my own home.
Son came to visit last week. Dad warned him he is on probation..
be cool....son gets drunk and makes a wrong turn after midnight and drove the car into a huge lake...waited for it to fill so the door would open..swam out ... it was on the news.. son was hospitilized with Hypothermia, 800 dollars on my charge card for divers fees and towing was not as bad as funeral expenses you know????
I thought I had a great job lined up, my 3rd and final interview was the next week. I was a total mess (unknown to them or so I thought), I did not get the job. I emailed to ask why?, they won't even reply. They must have seen "crazy" in my eyes. Thats Ok.
The job I mean, if they wont even reply, I don't think I would like to work for them. A week after the lake incident my son was drinking and driving with a buddy on a motorcycle. I could not believe it (yes, I still am continually blown away, I have so much hope and trust) I wrote him a tough love letter 2 hours prior to that interview) (bad timing)
Treatment, or find somewhere else to stay...
A few more days pass... I give him 50 dollars for Christmas money(not spare by any means) and he goes out to get drunk. Christmas eve day I tell him on the phone that if he likes his sleazy drunk friend so much, why doesn't he just stay with him. He says OK. I pack his things, he picks them up Christmas Day...Christmas day, whoa, the pain...husband drinking heavily and out of state, son moves out, my two beautiful dogs are not here and cannot be with me yet as I do not have a yard, husband has them.
UGGHHHH......
Drinking is not an option for me since I had to help recover the car. I can get sick physically thinking about it, plus I learned that the pills and Margarita's didn't fix it a few months ago, and I prefer to learn my lessons the first time.
The husband thinks I am too hard on the son.
Cusses, yells, belittles.....(more so when drinking)
Tough love is not supposed to be gentle is it????
We have insurance coverage for treatment...
He is 19 and 1/2.
I cannot do it for him...
My son and I have emailed.
He says he does not like what he has done, he hates seeing the dreams destroyed. I respond with truth (from my point of view anyways) I am accused by son of being argumentative and wrong about everything. I was even told that when I found his drugs the first time, I told him he would destroy himself (family history) and that is why he has...my reply? I did what a good Mom does, should I have smoked it with you so then you could accuse me of turning you into an addict from that? I am always put in a no win situation with him. I understand the denial, should I just shut up, if I don't have anything positive to say to him should I just not speak? Have I done the right thing?
Should I even care what the drinking husband thinks I should do, even though he just gave me money to pay my rent?
We just put the lake home up for Sale. The husband asked me my plans.... I said I cannot and will not live with the destruction of alcohol in my life any longer....I got 3 months of normalcy and really liked it...
It is one escrow check in both our names if you decide to quit again, or two seperate escrow checks if not....
Out of 22 years he was sober 12...
That is over half....
I have been hanging on by my fingernails since he strarted again..
am I some kind of moron to believe he will ever want to quit again?
I have depression, but it is not something I would consider taking medicine for, it's the depression that the circumstances are creating, it will pass...
I feel BI-POLAR and I know I am not.
I cannot swim, and I feel that I am wearing a life vest and bieng bounced all over a raging river, hanging on for dear life.
I have a panic and anxiety disorder, but is is pretty much contained to bridges and freeways....
I am hesitant to open emails from them..
I am hesitant to answer the phone, what bombshell next????
Will I ever own my own life, or will I sell myself short because I think I need to fix everything???
I know God is watching us all.
I feel that God dumped him in the lake for a softer landing than the mountain pass he was preparing to cross.
I also know things can get worse...
I would never think otherwise anymore.
I hope I haven't lost anyone along the way with the length of this...there was plenty more to say, but I think I made my point...
Help.....
Joni
I will write an outline, but want to make it clear that I don't consider myself a "victim", I just need to be sure I am doing the right thing about it all, and God knows there is enough experience on this board.
Here goes, whew it is so complicated....
I met and married my husband 22+ years ago.
We both drank and partied, but he never knew when to stop.
I was always willing to stop when last call was given, not him, he needed to step out of the bar a few minutes before closing time, to grab a 6 pack to take home.
We drove over the State Line, got drunk and got married.
He was in the Navy.
I got very ill 2 weeks later, and nearly died with a kidney problem.
10 months later my Dad (best friend) died from a 2 year battle with Cancer. I was his pet.
My Dad never touched a drop of alcohol in his life, but I partied hearty and worried him incessantly.
It was a pretty hairy start to married life thats for sure.
My husband would do such stupid things, like pick up a woman, and write a check for the motel room!
When I was pregnant with our only son I cleaned up my act.
It took a few more years for him and a DWI, totaled car, and a deferred prosecution in exchange for his rehab.
We owned our first home, had a great little boy and he got sober.
For 12 YEARS!!! Wow, what an accomplishment huh?
In our sons teen years my husband started to just have a beer on occasion. I was worried, but felt that he had "matured" (I know...) It progressed, but he still kept a few of the RULES, not ever driving while drinking was a big one. (he justified it was "only beer" we both knew better.)
Then our son started dabbling in drugs and alcohol.
A son that was given way to much by us, had never had to face consequences for his actions, never had to work for his own money, etc. A son that had a really bright Professional Baseball future.
I was the "witch" Dad was the buddy, plain and simple.
I tried to enforce the things a child needs to learn, but was always ignored or humiliated for doing my job as a Mom.
It was the "Boys Club" and there was little room for me.
I lined up an interventionist, and treatment as our Sons life careened out of control. I insisted on treatment for 28 days, or he would have to leave our home. (That was hard).
dad did not think the problem was serious...Joni was overreacting, AS USUAL.....
Our Son called our bluff, and went to live at a well known Stoner's house. My husband freaked out (The Baseball Reputation was at stake) and left our 20 year marriage to rent an apt. across from the school (to get him through his senior year...)
Dad was living the lost Baseball Dream through the son.
It was then that the drinking became an everynight thing.
For both of them........
I lived in our home alone for 6 months.
My employment was going to end, son was turning 18, and husband hated his job.
Wow, lets move to a picture perfect place and live happily ever after....oh my God....
Sold the home here.
Bought the picture perfect home by the lake in a neighboring state. Put the son in Community College 130 miles away at a cost of half of our savings, only to find out the drinking and drugging, and tickets, and wrecked cars, and bounced checks did not stop.
My husband drank, the neighbors drank, there was not much else to do in that resort town. I fell into a hole. I missed my hometown and family. I figured out that if I got up and took a tranquilizer and had 2 Margaritas I could go back to bed to try to tune it all out. I knew better, husband did not seem to care... I knew it was not OK. I stopped it after a couple months. I knew it was not "fixing" anything. Son came home for the summer, drunk minors on the premises a lot, husband drank and drove, (he broke one of the last rules) Son stole our car and took out the carport pillar (drunk) I had had enough...I split the small savings we had left in half that night by internet banking, and had my move completed by the next weekend.
Son went back to College, got in trouble with the law, drinking, etc. kicked off the team, quit school because of it all.
And he moved back into the house I had just left, with Dad.
Husband is drinking nightly, Son was probably too.
I was trying so hard in my little apartment, looking for work, shooting off resumes, working on myself, finally feeling "safe" at night as I locked my own door and went to bed. I had felt like a "hostage" for a lot of years as I had no control over the dysfunction in my own home.
Son came to visit last week. Dad warned him he is on probation..
be cool....son gets drunk and makes a wrong turn after midnight and drove the car into a huge lake...waited for it to fill so the door would open..swam out ... it was on the news.. son was hospitilized with Hypothermia, 800 dollars on my charge card for divers fees and towing was not as bad as funeral expenses you know????
I thought I had a great job lined up, my 3rd and final interview was the next week. I was a total mess (unknown to them or so I thought), I did not get the job. I emailed to ask why?, they won't even reply. They must have seen "crazy" in my eyes. Thats Ok.
The job I mean, if they wont even reply, I don't think I would like to work for them. A week after the lake incident my son was drinking and driving with a buddy on a motorcycle. I could not believe it (yes, I still am continually blown away, I have so much hope and trust) I wrote him a tough love letter 2 hours prior to that interview) (bad timing)
Treatment, or find somewhere else to stay...
A few more days pass... I give him 50 dollars for Christmas money(not spare by any means) and he goes out to get drunk. Christmas eve day I tell him on the phone that if he likes his sleazy drunk friend so much, why doesn't he just stay with him. He says OK. I pack his things, he picks them up Christmas Day...Christmas day, whoa, the pain...husband drinking heavily and out of state, son moves out, my two beautiful dogs are not here and cannot be with me yet as I do not have a yard, husband has them.
UGGHHHH......
Drinking is not an option for me since I had to help recover the car. I can get sick physically thinking about it, plus I learned that the pills and Margarita's didn't fix it a few months ago, and I prefer to learn my lessons the first time.
The husband thinks I am too hard on the son.
Cusses, yells, belittles.....(more so when drinking)
Tough love is not supposed to be gentle is it????
We have insurance coverage for treatment...
He is 19 and 1/2.
I cannot do it for him...
My son and I have emailed.
He says he does not like what he has done, he hates seeing the dreams destroyed. I respond with truth (from my point of view anyways) I am accused by son of being argumentative and wrong about everything. I was even told that when I found his drugs the first time, I told him he would destroy himself (family history) and that is why he has...my reply? I did what a good Mom does, should I have smoked it with you so then you could accuse me of turning you into an addict from that? I am always put in a no win situation with him. I understand the denial, should I just shut up, if I don't have anything positive to say to him should I just not speak? Have I done the right thing?
Should I even care what the drinking husband thinks I should do, even though he just gave me money to pay my rent?
We just put the lake home up for Sale. The husband asked me my plans.... I said I cannot and will not live with the destruction of alcohol in my life any longer....I got 3 months of normalcy and really liked it...
It is one escrow check in both our names if you decide to quit again, or two seperate escrow checks if not....
Out of 22 years he was sober 12...
That is over half....
I have been hanging on by my fingernails since he strarted again..
am I some kind of moron to believe he will ever want to quit again?
I have depression, but it is not something I would consider taking medicine for, it's the depression that the circumstances are creating, it will pass...
I feel BI-POLAR and I know I am not.
I cannot swim, and I feel that I am wearing a life vest and bieng bounced all over a raging river, hanging on for dear life.
I have a panic and anxiety disorder, but is is pretty much contained to bridges and freeways....
I am hesitant to open emails from them..
I am hesitant to answer the phone, what bombshell next????
Will I ever own my own life, or will I sell myself short because I think I need to fix everything???
I know God is watching us all.
I feel that God dumped him in the lake for a softer landing than the mountain pass he was preparing to cross.
I also know things can get worse...
I would never think otherwise anymore.
I hope I haven't lost anyone along the way with the length of this...there was plenty more to say, but I think I made my point...
Help.....
Joni
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
(((((((((((((((Joni))))))))))))))))
You're welcome here and I am glad you've found your way to this place.You'll find a lot of love and support in Al Anon.It's late and I have to get back to sleep,but keep checking in.Others will respond soon.
phoenix
You're welcome here and I am glad you've found your way to this place.You'll find a lot of love and support in Al Anon.It's late and I have to get back to sleep,but keep checking in.Others will respond soon.
phoenix
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Joni,
Welcome to the Soberrecovery Forum. I am glad you got all of that out. Guess what...no suprises here. In fact many of us could write the same or similar stories.
Hang around and read. There are posts at the top with vital informations. There is a reading list also. A book I would like you to find is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More"
A few words that may help are that, as you have discovered, nothing you do changes a thing. You are allowed to throw in the towel and stop trying. You are allowed to think only of yourself and the life it is that you want.
My son and husband are both alcohoilics as well...they were not drinking buddy's... they ripped each other to shreds emotionally...I had a front row seat. So know that you are in a good place here.
((((Hugs))))
JT
Welcome to the Soberrecovery Forum. I am glad you got all of that out. Guess what...no suprises here. In fact many of us could write the same or similar stories.
Hang around and read. There are posts at the top with vital informations. There is a reading list also. A book I would like you to find is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More"
A few words that may help are that, as you have discovered, nothing you do changes a thing. You are allowed to throw in the towel and stop trying. You are allowed to think only of yourself and the life it is that you want.
My son and husband are both alcohoilics as well...they were not drinking buddy's... they ripped each other to shreds emotionally...I had a front row seat. So know that you are in a good place here.
((((Hugs))))
JT
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Welcome Joni!!,
I, too, am glad you got all that off your chest. I hope you found some relief in writing your story. I do that to get it all out!
Your are in the right place if you want love, undertanding, support and help. These people have lived your life to one degree or another,,,we all have. The one thing I wanted to share are the three C's of alcoholism/addiction:
1. WE didnt cause it.
2. WE cant control it.
3. WE cant cure it.
Keep coming back, you will find recovery here!
I, too, am glad you got all that off your chest. I hope you found some relief in writing your story. I do that to get it all out!
Your are in the right place if you want love, undertanding, support and help. These people have lived your life to one degree or another,,,we all have. The one thing I wanted to share are the three C's of alcoholism/addiction:
1. WE didnt cause it.
2. WE cant control it.
3. WE cant cure it.
Keep coming back, you will find recovery here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Joni, and welcome!
One thing is evident from your story. It is time to start taking care of you. That is the only thing you have any control over. It is up to your son and your husband to fix what is wrong with them, or to choose not to. That part is out of your control.
Take a deep breath and one day at a time, start making choices that will make life better for you. Your serenity and your happiness are in your hands. Each positive step you take is a step on the road to a better place.
Peace,
Gabe
Take a deep breath and one day at a time, start making choices that will make life better for you. Your serenity and your happiness are in your hands. Each positive step you take is a step on the road to a better place.
Peace,
Gabe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Seattle, Wa.
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone.
Isn't it weird? When things are going Ok we have an illusion that it is because we are balancing that tray of spinning glasses that are filled to the brim with liquid, and we actually think we have "fixed" something temporarily.
So the flip side of that is that when the glasses come crashing down off that tray, we think we slipped up and lost control of them, and it is only a matter of time until we can get them upright and spinning again.
I have been under a blanket that my very good friend gave me for Christmas, it is a fleece blanket she made that is covered with beautiful smiling dogs! She made it clear that the blanket is to keep me warm temporarly until I get my sweet little Yorkie-poo, and my little troublemaker of a Shiba Inu back.
I have decided this morning that 3 days of being under the blanket is enough and I am going to go out to my favorite Thrift Store today, even though in the past it is my escape to spend a few hours there, when things get so crazy we find that we seem to be unable to do the very thing we like. And I know that the thing we most want to do, but seem unable to do, is the most important thing we could do for ourselves this day.
I read about the freedom one experiences as they start to emerge from the fog.
I read about the life they feel they can finally experience.
I know it may not come instantly, but I know I will experience in time. With determination and hard work...(thats easy for us, determination and hard work that was focused on all of the wrong things is what we all are famous for right?)
We just need to aim it in the right direction, and on the one who needs it
I am looking forward to that.
I have never been one to keep a New Years Resolution for any length of time.
I cannot think of a better time to start working on a realistic one.
Guess what? My new little book The Courage To Change, One Day At A Time in Al-Anon 11 starts the first page with Jan. 1st!
I cannot think of any better timing.
Isn't it weird? When things are going Ok we have an illusion that it is because we are balancing that tray of spinning glasses that are filled to the brim with liquid, and we actually think we have "fixed" something temporarily.
So the flip side of that is that when the glasses come crashing down off that tray, we think we slipped up and lost control of them, and it is only a matter of time until we can get them upright and spinning again.
I have been under a blanket that my very good friend gave me for Christmas, it is a fleece blanket she made that is covered with beautiful smiling dogs! She made it clear that the blanket is to keep me warm temporarly until I get my sweet little Yorkie-poo, and my little troublemaker of a Shiba Inu back.
I have decided this morning that 3 days of being under the blanket is enough and I am going to go out to my favorite Thrift Store today, even though in the past it is my escape to spend a few hours there, when things get so crazy we find that we seem to be unable to do the very thing we like. And I know that the thing we most want to do, but seem unable to do, is the most important thing we could do for ourselves this day.
I read about the freedom one experiences as they start to emerge from the fog.
I read about the life they feel they can finally experience.
I know it may not come instantly, but I know I will experience in time. With determination and hard work...(thats easy for us, determination and hard work that was focused on all of the wrong things is what we all are famous for right?)
We just need to aim it in the right direction, and on the one who needs it
I am looking forward to that.
I have never been one to keep a New Years Resolution for any length of time.
I cannot think of a better time to start working on a realistic one.
Guess what? My new little book The Courage To Change, One Day At A Time in Al-Anon 11 starts the first page with Jan. 1st!
I cannot think of any better timing.
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Seattle, Wa.
Posts: 5
JT and Steve,
Thank you for your replies.
I have never written on one of these before, and have never chatted online either (can't type fast enough
I did get Melody Beatties two books at the Thrift Store today, that was a good omen. Co-Dependent no more, and Beyond Co- dependency. I think I have another copy somewhere, I buy all the self help books that I can, the trouble in the past has been that I thought merely buying them was enough!, kind of like having a treadmill in your room, you mean I have to use it too???
The glasses spinning out of control on the tray are what I think of because I was a waitress for a long time, and could run like hell, and never spill a drop!
These mood swings are SO AWFUL....
I had my first somewhat normal day in a long time, and get home to a raging email from the son, he has apparantly written me off...
At first you can get really mad and defensive feeling, but really it is just heartbreaking...it is so weird, because he talks about things I have done, while caught in their drug and alcohol dysfunction, that scream of the craziness of co-dependency, and were so justified by me in the name of "normal" ughhhh...
Working on just one person should be a walk in the park right?
I mean really, after all I used to try to change the world...
Thank you for your replies.
I have never written on one of these before, and have never chatted online either (can't type fast enough
I did get Melody Beatties two books at the Thrift Store today, that was a good omen. Co-Dependent no more, and Beyond Co- dependency. I think I have another copy somewhere, I buy all the self help books that I can, the trouble in the past has been that I thought merely buying them was enough!, kind of like having a treadmill in your room, you mean I have to use it too???
The glasses spinning out of control on the tray are what I think of because I was a waitress for a long time, and could run like hell, and never spill a drop!
These mood swings are SO AWFUL....
I had my first somewhat normal day in a long time, and get home to a raging email from the son, he has apparantly written me off...
At first you can get really mad and defensive feeling, but really it is just heartbreaking...it is so weird, because he talks about things I have done, while caught in their drug and alcohol dysfunction, that scream of the craziness of co-dependency, and were so justified by me in the name of "normal" ughhhh...
Working on just one person should be a walk in the park right?
I mean really, after all I used to try to change the world...
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