changeschoices

I posted a bit last year here about my ABF, who left me last summer. We got back together and of course, I was so hopeful that he would be committed to recovery and things would be good. The good parts of our relationship were wonderful.

He started drinking again "socially" in January and things predictably spiraled downward. Over the past three months, I have been through horrific ups and downs because of his drinking and the consequences. Two weeks ago, he went on a bender in which he acted in a reckless and horribly embarrassing way, and he was so horrified that he swore that was it, he was quitting for good. Two weeks went by and he didn't go to AA or his counselor. I told him I'd had enough after that bender and if he drank again, he was going to have to move out. He was sad, upset, scared...and promised to never drink again.

Fast forward two week to last night, we went to his cousin's wedding and he assured me he felt no urge to drink. Toward the end of the night, his sister in law took me aside and said she'd spotted him drinking at the bar while I was on the dancefloor.

I went home by myself and he stayed over at his brother's place. It's nearly 5 pm the next day now and I've heard nothing from him. I've texted him a few times telling him that he does need to come and get his car and his things and move out. I was very calm and matter-of-fact in my texts, not angry and no mention of his drinking. It's been hours and I've heard nothing back.

I know I must feel heartbroken, as I truly love this man. At the same time, I want him to move all of his stuff out immediately. I just want it all to be done with. But the weirdest thing I'm feeling is just...numbness. Is this normal? I never thought in 2.5 years that I would ever want to break up with him, in spite of everything his drinking has put me through. But when I woke up this morning, I just felt like I want our relationship over right now and I feel nothing for him. No pity, not really any anger, just...nothing. Am I going to have a breakdown down the road and be overwhelmed with emotion, or is it normal to just stop feeling all of a sudden?

changeschoices

Also, I felt afraid of deep loneliness and sadness over asking him to move out, but as the day's been going on, I find myself thinking, "What should I order for Chinese take-out? What chick flick should I watch tonight?" It hardly seems normal considering I just ended a relationship (we were even engaged).

I know I will miss his companionship because as a single mom, it's nice to have someone to come home to and talk to at the end of the day. But I feel so traumatized by his alcoholism that all I want is peace and quiet, even if it's a little lonely.

Pelican

(((hugs)))

Enjoy your new beginning!

lillamy

It may not be numbness you're feeling. It may be peace.

chicory

Whatever the opposite of chaos is, maybe that is what you are feeling.

Enjoy your peace and the hope for a life that is as good as you choose it to be!
hugs
chicory

Missingmygirls

After many, many years of my D's drinking, I gave him an ultimatum - quit, or I'm gone. This isn't an easy decision to make, for anyone whose SO is an addict - of any kind. But the truth is that there comes a point in your life where you have to be concerned about your own well-being over and above your D's.

If you feel release or peace or numbness about telling him to move out, chances are you were truly ready to end the relationship and this was just the final straw. Sometimes we go into survival mode - and it's us or them.

I'm wishing you much peace with your decision.

MMG

nodaybut2day

I felt numbness and fatigue too once it was said and done. Later on, I felt anger but not a lot of loneliness because I was well surrounded by friends and family, and of course SR.

Wishing you strength and peace on your journey.

Marytherboo

Good for you!

I was just where you are two months ago. I had the same experience...when the time came, I didn't feel emotionally overwhelmed at all, just singlemindedly done. Since then I've gone through lots of feelings, but never once regret. And the peace and quiet in my home still astonishes and delights me. I'm way less lonely now, surrounded by the loving and supportive friends that I isolated myself from while AH and I were together. The anger and sorrow and guilt come and go in waves, but the sense of freedom is always there.

fourmaggie

I have been there also...i was done too....now 2 years later, i still feel great...lonely is a good word...i have family and freinds....no lonlines here

celticgenes

Holy Cow, Changeschoices, we are walking the same path. Just broke an engagement to the A I was with FOR TWENTY YEARS. Consider the time and heartbreak you are saving yourself.

I, too am lonely, and miss the illusion that my A was there for me, but not more than I value the peace I have now. No sucking negativity, no wondering if/when/how he would drink or take painkillers.

I just had a moment of clarity that recovery was beyond his grasp for the foreseeable future. Now, even if he finds recovery, which is my hope for him, we are done. Forget water under the bridge, the bridge has been swept away.

I applaud your decision, hope it sticks. Just beware of the potential for alcoholic manipulation. I'm 10 weeks out, and still getting it.

changeschoices

celticgenes, my friends are warning me of the same thing. What are you experiencing? Not having heard from him in the two days since I texted him it's over, I am bracing myself for the unknown. He wouldn't answer my calls, so I stopped calling. I'm on the edge wondering what comes next, what his response will be. Mostly confused: if someone tells you (nicely) two days ago you need to come get your stuff and move out, why is he not doing anything?

changeschoices

I like the direct approach you made here, lol! Thank you.

celticgenes

Hi, cc, the craziness I get runs the gamut. Long, loving emails, filled with fantasy romance, vicious drunk voicemails, and everything in between. My favorite part is the complete instability. We own property together that is up for sale.

From day to day, and sometimes within the same day, he tells me "don't spend a dime on repairs, I won't pay", then "I'm sending you blank checks to pay the electric, etc", then, "I'm going to the house on (pick a day) to do the repairs myself", then "you made me so pissed off, I'm going to get drunk, so forget about the repairs, you arrange for them".

And on and on. The best advice I've received to date-NO CONTACT, or in this case, as little as I can get away with and deal with property issues. I DO NOT speak to him verbally any longer. The other best piece of advice-proceed as if he's not even there. If I waited for him to come to some rational decision regarding my rental property, it would be in foreclosure.

He calls my friends and business associates and proclaims that if he and I could "just get married", all would be well. Maybe for him.

Lots of verbal threats of lawsuits, financial ruin. He's not stupid enough yet to make threats of violence.

I save everything. All voicemails get transferred to my computer, all texts get sent to email, and I save all in a folder called "As*(le".

Just be wary. I'm betting he's not responding because he's waiting for you to break down and beg him to come back.

Good luck!

dollydo

If he doesn't come to get his "stuff" in a few days, I'd bag it up, put it on the porch, let him know and let it go. You will NEVER figure out what an addict does or thinks, their minds are one big scrambled egg. Lodgic is not their benchmark.

fourmaggie

I did the same thing....never told him just waited a week...all went in the garbage...(have to admit felt good to through it out...it was like a cleanse!)