Can't let go of a bad relationship?
I'm no angel!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Can't let go of a bad relationship?
This may help you to understand why.
Can't Let Go of a Bad Relationship?
by Susan Anderson
Do you know someone who stays in a bad relationship? What hooks them? The standard answer is that they don't feel good enough about themselves. They don't feel they deserve better. Their have a low sense of entitlement.
While self esteem is certainly a factor, many of these people started out feeling much better about themselves than they do now.
Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll. The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way. Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.
But there is more to it. They have become traumatically bonded.
A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.
There are examples of this everywhere in nature and science. Researches found that when training a duck to imprint them, when they accidentally stepped on the duck's toe, the duck imprinted them more than before. Science has conducted myriad experiments that demonstrate the power of pain to strengthen the bond. It's the principle fraternities use in hazing where they humiliate or hurt their pledges to instill greater loyalty in them.
But there is still another factor which really cements people to the abuser. They get hooked by the intermittent reinforcement. The abuser, every once in a while, will give them what they need, i.e. a pat on the arm or saying I love you or bringing home a paycheck. It's intermittent.
If you ever studied classical conditioning (Pavlov's dog and all of that), you may remember that if you want to train a rat to respond a certain way, rather than giving a steady reward (i.e. sugar pellet), give it only intermittently. Intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than steady reinforcement.
This explains the paradox of relationships. If your partner mistreats you in all kinds of emotional or physical ways, you run the risk of getting deeply hooked in.
You'd think it would work the other way, that if your partner made you feel secure, safe, and comfortable, you'd have a hard time leaving. But the irony is that many people feel freer to leave someone who has made them feel secure. Ever hear nice guys finish last?
But if they are made to feel chronically insecure, heart-sick, anxious, or hurt, they can get caught up in the drama of the abuse and locked into the dynamics of the relationship especially if every once in a while, their partner gives them a little crumb of love, intermittent reinforcement.
If you are in a traumatic bond, you not only suffer from your partner's criticism, blame, betrayal, unreliability, or neglect, but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.
You feel guilty for not being able to leave. Your friends may get fed up with you for being so stuck. Even your therapist loses patience. You feel judged. You feel weak. You feel ashamed of yourself.
"Why did you STAY?" comes the invariable question.
"Because I loved him," comes the equally invariable response.
Abuser tells Abused, "I love you," and these women continue to sell themselves out to hear the occasional utterance of three hollow words, meaning nothing to the abuser.
The more infrequently the crumbs of love are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in the cage.
Can't Let Go of a Bad Relationship?
by Susan Anderson
Do you know someone who stays in a bad relationship? What hooks them? The standard answer is that they don't feel good enough about themselves. They don't feel they deserve better. Their have a low sense of entitlement.
While self esteem is certainly a factor, many of these people started out feeling much better about themselves than they do now.
Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll. The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way. Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.
But there is more to it. They have become traumatically bonded.
A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.
There are examples of this everywhere in nature and science. Researches found that when training a duck to imprint them, when they accidentally stepped on the duck's toe, the duck imprinted them more than before. Science has conducted myriad experiments that demonstrate the power of pain to strengthen the bond. It's the principle fraternities use in hazing where they humiliate or hurt their pledges to instill greater loyalty in them.
But there is still another factor which really cements people to the abuser. They get hooked by the intermittent reinforcement. The abuser, every once in a while, will give them what they need, i.e. a pat on the arm or saying I love you or bringing home a paycheck. It's intermittent.
If you ever studied classical conditioning (Pavlov's dog and all of that), you may remember that if you want to train a rat to respond a certain way, rather than giving a steady reward (i.e. sugar pellet), give it only intermittently. Intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than steady reinforcement.
This explains the paradox of relationships. If your partner mistreats you in all kinds of emotional or physical ways, you run the risk of getting deeply hooked in.
You'd think it would work the other way, that if your partner made you feel secure, safe, and comfortable, you'd have a hard time leaving. But the irony is that many people feel freer to leave someone who has made them feel secure. Ever hear nice guys finish last?
But if they are made to feel chronically insecure, heart-sick, anxious, or hurt, they can get caught up in the drama of the abuse and locked into the dynamics of the relationship especially if every once in a while, their partner gives them a little crumb of love, intermittent reinforcement.
If you are in a traumatic bond, you not only suffer from your partner's criticism, blame, betrayal, unreliability, or neglect, but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.
You feel guilty for not being able to leave. Your friends may get fed up with you for being so stuck. Even your therapist loses patience. You feel judged. You feel weak. You feel ashamed of yourself.
"Why did you STAY?" comes the invariable question.
"Because I loved him," comes the equally invariable response.
Abuser tells Abused, "I love you," and these women continue to sell themselves out to hear the occasional utterance of three hollow words, meaning nothing to the abuser.
The more infrequently the crumbs of love are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in the cage.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Really great post. Having been involved in one of those relationships I can vouch for everything that was written here. It desribed my situation perfectly. That intermittant reinforcement was the big thing....I would hurt so badly for so long and then would be thrown a crumb. Like a starving person I would think that there were more crumbs to follow.
I think that recognizing a situation like that is the first step. The next step is to begin to resource yourself. Leaving an abuser is a hard thing to do...my own "stinkin thinkin" kept me going back to him for a long time. I learned that trying to get away was impossible on my own and I found support. My lawyer had a lot of experience with abused women and a counselor at the battered woman's shelter both helped me a lot. They were able to cut through all of my denial and low self esteem and affirm that YES~ I was being abused.
Thank you for continuing to post things like this....they helped me so much along the way although it seemed like it took a really long time for me to "get it".
I think that recognizing a situation like that is the first step. The next step is to begin to resource yourself. Leaving an abuser is a hard thing to do...my own "stinkin thinkin" kept me going back to him for a long time. I learned that trying to get away was impossible on my own and I found support. My lawyer had a lot of experience with abused women and a counselor at the battered woman's shelter both helped me a lot. They were able to cut through all of my denial and low self esteem and affirm that YES~ I was being abused.
Thank you for continuing to post things like this....they helped me so much along the way although it seemed like it took a really long time for me to "get it".
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I have read an awful lot about why I am still connected, why I had a hard time leaving, why I feel this need to be with my AXBF even after everything he's said and done.
This is the first thing I've ever read that has made total sense to me. I can see the pattern in my own R and exactly how it played out each and every time. And, my need to try and "behave" in a way that would actually elicit any type of positive response from him.
I would give him a gift and he would take it back or not accept it from me. I vowed each and ever time that I wasn't going to give him anything else ever again. But, another opportunity would come up to offer a present and in hopes that I could finally please him and get some kind of positive response, I would get him something. I kept looking for the crumb...but he was stingy and wouldn't even give me that.
This has been an aha moment for me after reading this. Thanks for the post.
This is the first thing I've ever read that has made total sense to me. I can see the pattern in my own R and exactly how it played out each and every time. And, my need to try and "behave" in a way that would actually elicit any type of positive response from him.
I would give him a gift and he would take it back or not accept it from me. I vowed each and ever time that I wasn't going to give him anything else ever again. But, another opportunity would come up to offer a present and in hopes that I could finally please him and get some kind of positive response, I would get him something. I kept looking for the crumb...but he was stingy and wouldn't even give me that.
This has been an aha moment for me after reading this. Thanks for the post.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
I did study Pavlov's Dogs and other information from your post, DollyDo - and thank you 
I also remembered studying Child Development and learning that a child will cling all the tighter to the abusive parent because of that very thing you mention above - they are clinging as they wait for that reinforcement from the abusive parent that tells them they might be OK, despite the other messages being delivered.
I also remembered studying Child Development and learning that a child will cling all the tighter to the abusive parent because of that very thing you mention above - they are clinging as they wait for that reinforcement from the abusive parent that tells them they might be OK, despite the other messages being delivered.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Anyone catch Greys Anatomy last night? Girl eho was kidnapped says how she was tortured and raped and abused but her abductor had moments of niceness where he would invite her up to watch a movie and be sweet to her. And she says how she misses him and was that wrong?
I know its just a tv show but isnt that how it is with an addict too? The hurt and pain make those rare moments of kindness all that much sweeter.
This concept intrigues me quite a bit.
I know its just a tv show but isnt that how it is with an addict too? The hurt and pain make those rare moments of kindness all that much sweeter.
This concept intrigues me quite a bit.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
itsmylifenow - I saw that episode too and had been thinking about it. But I thought I saw it on 'Criminal Minds' ! So it was 'Grey's Anatomy' - I remember wondering Oh my goodness is that what's wrong with me - really interesting observation.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
OMG
yes
It should also be noted that trauma bonding doesn't always involve an addict/alcoholic.
But it always involves pain.
Also, those of us who grew up in a "trauma bond" environment, may also tend to re-create this over and over again with partners. This has been more of a challenge for me than quitting all my substance addictions.
yes
It should also be noted that trauma bonding doesn't always involve an addict/alcoholic.
But it always involves pain.
Also, those of us who grew up in a "trauma bond" environment, may also tend to re-create this over and over again with partners. This has been more of a challenge for me than quitting all my substance addictions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3
This makes so much sense!
I'm still working through my reasons for staying for so long and why I struggle not to be drawn back into the drama. I think that for me the crumb was a glimpse of the person I thought he was/could be. Or that he would maybe give me some sort of idication that he really did love me at least a little bit. Or that he really didn't mean all of the horrible things he did to me. Like a rat waiting for a random crumb, I was hooked.
I am starting to see that crumbs are not enough to keep you from starving. Throwing out crumbs is not part of a healthy relationship dynamic. At the very least, I deserve to be loved with as much love as I gave. Treated with at least the kindness, respect and dignity that he would have given a stranger.
I know that this all may not make sense to everyone, but even though my story is complicated and has yet to told - I keep finding more and more people here on SR that have stories which mirror my own. People who have not only survived, but have arrived on the other side with their sanity, strength, and themself. I am still finding my strength, and I am starting on the way to finding myself in all of this.
I'm still working through my reasons for staying for so long and why I struggle not to be drawn back into the drama. I think that for me the crumb was a glimpse of the person I thought he was/could be. Or that he would maybe give me some sort of idication that he really did love me at least a little bit. Or that he really didn't mean all of the horrible things he did to me. Like a rat waiting for a random crumb, I was hooked.
I am starting to see that crumbs are not enough to keep you from starving. Throwing out crumbs is not part of a healthy relationship dynamic. At the very least, I deserve to be loved with as much love as I gave. Treated with at least the kindness, respect and dignity that he would have given a stranger.
I know that this all may not make sense to everyone, but even though my story is complicated and has yet to told - I keep finding more and more people here on SR that have stories which mirror my own. People who have not only survived, but have arrived on the other side with their sanity, strength, and themself. I am still finding my strength, and I am starting on the way to finding myself in all of this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
BP is makes sense to many of us. I was physically abused from the beginning of my marriage and still had a hard time leaving. He was so extremely jealous that he once went into a rage because I baked a cake for a cooworker's bday. We had a cake baked for each bday and the person that just had the bday was responsible for the next. He would not let me attend college and wanted me to quit my job. I started counseling and he came in and started yelling - the scared to death counselor asked me to leave. The few friends I had left because they were afraid of him. He pulled a knife on a friend when he came over in front of my children.
He had affairs and left me for a hitcher he picked up when I was 4 months pregnant. That was the breaking point for me.
The Battered Womens Syndrome was just starting to be discussed and many to this day wonder why don't they just leave. It is so complicated as we all know!
I had children which adds to the problem of leaving and I knew I couldn't support them on a clerk's salary. He also told me he would kill me before he would let me be with another man. Yet it was OK for him to live with another woman when he was married.
He had separate rules and he believed that women should obey the man regardless. It wasn't until he remarried that he stopped harrassing me. Yes, I called the police and he was arrested and it still continued. Once the children let him in an he stole my keys, I was fortunate I noticed immediately and called a 24 hour service to change my car and house keys.
10 years later he was getting a divorce and he called my sister to ask about me. She didn't give him any information thank goodness.
It takes time to work through the pain - but if you want to you will make it to the other side. I was single for a very long time (20 years) because there was no way I was going through that again. The man I have been with for 14 years is not perfect BUT he is very good to me and I now have a good life - except for my relatonship with my AS lol!!
He had affairs and left me for a hitcher he picked up when I was 4 months pregnant. That was the breaking point for me.
The Battered Womens Syndrome was just starting to be discussed and many to this day wonder why don't they just leave. It is so complicated as we all know!
I had children which adds to the problem of leaving and I knew I couldn't support them on a clerk's salary. He also told me he would kill me before he would let me be with another man. Yet it was OK for him to live with another woman when he was married.
He had separate rules and he believed that women should obey the man regardless. It wasn't until he remarried that he stopped harrassing me. Yes, I called the police and he was arrested and it still continued. Once the children let him in an he stole my keys, I was fortunate I noticed immediately and called a 24 hour service to change my car and house keys.
10 years later he was getting a divorce and he called my sister to ask about me. She didn't give him any information thank goodness.
It takes time to work through the pain - but if you want to you will make it to the other side. I was single for a very long time (20 years) because there was no way I was going through that again. The man I have been with for 14 years is not perfect BUT he is very good to me and I now have a good life - except for my relatonship with my AS lol!!
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