PAPeanut

Well my fiance and I told the kids yesterday before they went with their father for the weekend that he would be staying with his dad for a while. We kept it light and tried not to get emotional about it. It went well. The real test (for all of us) will be when they come home and he is gone.
His nephew's birthday party was last night and he asked me if I would still go with him. I had just gone to an Ala Non meeting and was feeling a momentary sense of calm and empowerment. I told him that I would love to go but that I needed to know something first.
I very calmly told him that I am very slowly begining to learn that I am not his mother nor am I the police. I have no control over him and the choices he makes. That being said I told him that I had to ask him something and that I wanted him to keep in mind that his answer would have no reflection on my feelings towards him so he might as well try for a little bit of honesty. My question was simple..."did you use today?" His response was simple..."yes." I took a deep breath and thanked him for his honesty then I asked him how long ago he had last used. He told me it had been about 7 hours and that he was starting to feel the withdrawl. I made a decision that I am so proud of and I told him, "ok. You made a decision to use today and that was your decision to make but now it was time for me to make a decision of my own that is mine to make (WOW! I never realized that I was capable or even allowed to make my own decisions). I told him that I have to start putting my own as well as that of the children's safety first and that based on his decision I chose not to ride in his vehicle with him.
Ok, I know this sounds like a "well, duh" moment and that for most would be no major feat. For me, however, this was a huge step.
Anyway, back to why I am posting. I am finding that I am able to have calm and controlled conversations with him while still keeping my emotions in check but as soon as I walk away I fall apart. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing, should I be letting him experience the pain I feel by allowing the tears to flood or should I keep them at bay so that he sees I am serious about my recovery and the impact I have on my own life?
Before we went to the party we had a very good conversation (I think). I was able to express a lot of thoughts and feelings and he listened fully before he expressed his.
One of the things that I needed him to know was a.) what a wake up call it was for me and b.) how deeply it hurt the other night when he had blamed me for his use. He has never blamed me for his addiction and has (usually) always been able to accept his on responsibility as far as that's concerned. He told me that he knows he hurt me and that he is really very sorry, that it wasn't "him" blaming me.
He told me he was sorry again today for putting us into so much debt.
I guess that I am just very skeptical. He is a man that will always own up to his mistakes and offer up a true heartfelt apology, so I know when his apologies are real. But I'm just so confused and I guess maybe even a bit cold hearted. Am I wrong in thinking that its too soon for the sorries? That he may be feeling regret but is not capable of an apology yet until he feels the true consequences of his actions and has a bit of recovery under his belt? I feel so wrong and guilty for not accepting them but I just can't...yet.
He told me that he is terrified and that he has never wanted recovery more in his life than he does now. He bought my six year old son a dirt bike yesterday and he told me that seeing the joy and excitement on Buddy's face and knowing that he will be the one teaching him how to ride it (he is a retired professional motocross racer) hit home and made him realize how desperately he wants recovery. To prove it to me he reached into one of his hiding places and pulled out a bundle of ten bags of heroin. He gave it to me and told me he was done, he is ready for rehab and does that prove to me, knowing how difficult that was, just how serious he is? And while it did mean a lot to me, I told him that I was proud of him but he needs to prove to himself how serious he is. And that I am not going to fool myself into believing that just because he handed it over to me that didn't mean he couldn't or wouldn't get back in his truck to go get more.
Wow this is getting long, and I am so sorry for that but please hang in there with me because I could really use your advice and support right now.
Anyway, we went to the party and actually had a really nice time. But when we got home it got difficult. I take a lot of medication due to my Bipolar and one of them is to help me sleep. When the time came to take them the panic really set in. I told him that the night before I did not take my sleep meds for fear of what I may wake up and find and that I am terrified to take them now for fear of what he may do while I am sleeping. Eventually exhaustion won out and I took them but it was a sleep filled with nightmares and restlessness. So I have made the decision today that I will spend the evening with him (I invited him to go to church with me and he said he would love nothing more) but when the time comes I need him to stay at his dad's (a move that will happen tomorrow anyway before the kids come home). I know that the fear will still be here eating away at me but I am hoping that I might be able to find some serenity and peace in the quiet. Or I will spend the night in pure terror, unable to sleep and in the grasp of a constant panic attack. He was hurt by my decision but he agreed to it.
If you are reading this and you are a prayerful person, I beg of you to keep me in them tonight.
Thanks for putting up with my rambling gang!

dollydo

Well, if you guys are in so much debt...I have to question buying a new dirt bike...it seems like a show and tell gesture...as for him handing you the H I feel the same way about that...lots of show...lets see if he follows through on rehab or not...until he works a strong program and stays clean for at least a year, I would not consider moving back in with him...your children deserve better. You hold their future in the palm of your hand, don't be selfish, put their needs first, it is your responsibility to do so.

If you are not attending meetings, I would suggest that you do so, IMHO you need to learn more about addiction...until you do, he will keep manipulating you...not my rules, just how it works. Addicts have the ability to hook up with enablers and codependent people and can target their weak spots at the drop of a hat.

bluebelle

Looks at his actions, not his words. He says he wants to be clean, but what is he
doing?

Why are you afraid of sleeping? What do you think he will do?

PAPeanut

The bike was actually given to him by a client that he gives riding lessons to. So it, in no way, has an impact on our finances. I don't view the bike as a show and tell gesture. Racing and always being number one in the nation has always been his, and his family's way of life. He had to retire when he got hurt about 2 years ago but riding has always been and always will be a true passion of his. So I can understand where he is coming from when he says that watching Buddy and knowing that he has a reason to fight (being his lifelong passion combined with a son he always thought he would never have).
I do feel the same way, however, about him handing over his "stash." I've been fooled enough into believing this is it, he really wants to get clean. I'm trying really hard not to fall into those same botomless pits of unfulfilled promises and let downs. So when he did that, while I was proud of him, it was an action that really meant very little to me. Him working, tirelessly, on a solid program is going to be what shows me he is serious.
My children are my life. I had very many problems concieving them, I appreciate what a gift they are. But I have been selfish in trying to attend to everyone and anyone but me. I'm working on changing that. They bring me so much joy and comfort.
I actually have a lot of knowledge on addiction. I grew up with an addict and learned a lot through the years. Also, I am in recovery for an eating disorder, which is also an addiction. So my knowledge is extensive but will never be enough. I am gaing more through this site as well as meetings and my therapist.
Sadly, I am learning to accept the fact that I am codependent and am working very hard to make changes, that being part of the reason that I told him to move out. I need to start taking care of ME so that I can become the mother that I have dreamt of being my entire life.
Thank you for your insight dolly!

bluebelle

Good for you for making changed and finding help!! There are a lot of people on here with experience and knowledge to help. You saw through one of his manipulations. Addicts are experts at manipulation.

Windmills

Anvil's posts are exactly where I would have been aiming had I written a reply. I don't need to since she's already said everything a lot more clearly than I could have!

Chino

What does "I'm sorry" mean to you? What does accepting an apology mean to you?

When I give an apology, I don't expect anything in return. I'm humbling myself before the person I caused injury to, holding myself accountable before them. I don't expect them to acknowledge it. I don't expect forgiveness, and I don't ask for it. I don't expect them to forget, either. I apologize and let it be, then start working on making amends.

When someone apologizes to me, I see it the same way.

You've taken some great steps forward. Please don't look back.

StillLearning1

Depending on your ex and kids dad. If he doesn't use illegal drugs, and he doesn't want his kids around people who do. Don't be surprised if he goes for sole legal and physical custody, and the courts will most likely give it to him.

Also keep in mind- we role-model for our children.
Would you be okay with your child being engaged to a using heroin addict? Who SAID they were sorry, but was still using?

outtolunch

Back when, I found my daughter's stash on one of my routine searches. I thought about dumping the contents into the toilet and decided against this because eventually all this junk gets into the water.

I contemplated turning them over to the Police but I did not, because I was in the " I don't want to ruin her life" mode at the time.

So I decided to hand them over to her MD who in turn would pass them on to the Police. I will never forget the moment, during the drive to the MDs office, when it dawned on me, I ( who has never had so much as a parking ticket) was in posession of narcotics. If I were to be pulled over for any reason, and my purse searched, my car would be impounded, my name was likely going to hit the paper and I was going to be in a ship load of trouble.

So many experiences at the time combined to cause me to create a boundary that I will not associate with people who use drugs and this included my daughter.