He loves me, he loves me not!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He loves me, he loves me not!
I am the wife of an addict and sadly he is my addiction. Our life, our family has been destroyed by addiction and I did nothing and have done nothing to make any changes in MY life..except make him leave again.
It is easy for me to take a moral inventory of others but denial about my own life and circumstances have become all too comfortable.
I am in so much pain and he is completely numb! I still can't believe our life has come to this. I know its time to let him go, I just don't understand why I can't.
My brain says - the man I married is gone, dead! He is no longer that person and will never be again. Addiction has changed him forever. Yet, my heart just doesn't want to let him go.
I am not sure what is going to take for my heart to realize it's OVER and I deserve better! Depression, anger and denial are my base line! All common sense has eluded me. Help!!
It is easy for me to take a moral inventory of others but denial about my own life and circumstances have become all too comfortable.
I am in so much pain and he is completely numb! I still can't believe our life has come to this. I know its time to let him go, I just don't understand why I can't.
My brain says - the man I married is gone, dead! He is no longer that person and will never be again. Addiction has changed him forever. Yet, my heart just doesn't want to let him go.
I am not sure what is going to take for my heart to realize it's OVER and I deserve better! Depression, anger and denial are my base line! All common sense has eluded me. Help!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Are you attending Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
If there are children involved the consequences of living with an addict are twofold. Children of addicts have inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction. Children should never be raised in the home of an addict, they will carry their childhood into adulthood...minor children must be the priorty.
The ball is in your court, it might be time to think with you head...not your heart...your heart is not designed to do the thinking.
I am sorry that you are in pain, however, you can move forward if that is what you want to do, in the meantime work on you.
If there are children involved the consequences of living with an addict are twofold. Children of addicts have inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction. Children should never be raised in the home of an addict, they will carry their childhood into adulthood...minor children must be the priorty.
The ball is in your court, it might be time to think with you head...not your heart...your heart is not designed to do the thinking.
I am sorry that you are in pain, however, you can move forward if that is what you want to do, in the meantime work on you.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I just recently went to 2 alanon meetings and have recently went to see a psychologist. She suggested I begin to start mourning the loss of him and the relationship and allow myself some to time to feel sad and just grieve.
I know it's time to let go and time will heal the pain....it's just so sad it had to come to this.
I was doing good for a while because I refused to have any contact with him, but just recently made a stupid choice to go talk to him. He seemed so lost and in such pain and it became my relaspe. I can't make that mistake again. He needs to hit rock bottom and I need to have no contact again.
I know it's time to let go and time will heal the pain....it's just so sad it had to come to this.
I was doing good for a while because I refused to have any contact with him, but just recently made a stupid choice to go talk to him. He seemed so lost and in such pain and it became my relaspe. I can't make that mistake again. He needs to hit rock bottom and I need to have no contact again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I feel your pain. I was with my xah for 16 years. It is so beyond painful. All I can say is do the right thing. Get away. Time really does heal. You can't think about him or what he is going thru. Its about you and your children. This probably sounds very cold, but they are worthless unless sober. Meaning, YOU have to raise you child. YOU have to take care of yourself. The addict is ONLY thinking of themselves. Blessings and follow your intuition as painful as that might be. And it is very painful. I didn't choose nor want to be divorced and have a broken family. But, it really is for the best.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
So tomorrow should of been my anniversay. I received an email from my AH asking me to spend the day with him. He "loves" me so much, don't give up hope, blah, blah, blah!
I was filled with all kinds of emotions but in the end I replied ~ I am letting you go!
And letting him go I am...finally! I know he rolled his eyes at my reply, because lets face it - addicts know most of us better than we know ourselves. But I am determined to move on, heal and and rebuild. I will let my actions be my voice.
Oh and I had to laugh...since when did an email professed with "love" become acceptable?? Had I really allowed my standards to become so low? Yes, is the answer.
I was filled with all kinds of emotions but in the end I replied ~ I am letting you go!
And letting him go I am...finally! I know he rolled his eyes at my reply, because lets face it - addicts know most of us better than we know ourselves. But I am determined to move on, heal and and rebuild. I will let my actions be my voice.
Oh and I had to laugh...since when did an email professed with "love" become acceptable?? Had I really allowed my standards to become so low? Yes, is the answer.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I woke up this morning feeling very anxious. Today was supposed to "our" day.
Although I was pleased with myself for finding the strength to say NO, I couldn't help feeling disappointed that he accepted that so easily. I think he was actually relieved. He was going to put on the big "I love you so much" act, so I didn't have one more thing to hold over his head just in case he someday needs something from me.
I started thinking ...he never gave up finding his drugs so easily..and all those kinds of thoughts until I admitted to myself - this kind of thinking is only going to hurt me. It's all true and this is why I am NOT with him anymore.
I just never realized how addicted I was to him, until he was gone. It's going to be a long road, but one I am certain is well worth the walk.
Lastly, I have this "glamorized" version of what his life is like now...relaxing by the pool, golfing, going out for a couple of drinks - maybe meeting someone new. Then it dawns on me, He will forever be in hell until he seeks help. No matter how good things look from the outside, I would never want to be in shoes. For whatever reasons, it makes me feel a little better..selfishly or not!
Although I was pleased with myself for finding the strength to say NO, I couldn't help feeling disappointed that he accepted that so easily. I think he was actually relieved. He was going to put on the big "I love you so much" act, so I didn't have one more thing to hold over his head just in case he someday needs something from me.
I started thinking ...he never gave up finding his drugs so easily..and all those kinds of thoughts until I admitted to myself - this kind of thinking is only going to hurt me. It's all true and this is why I am NOT with him anymore.
I just never realized how addicted I was to him, until he was gone. It's going to be a long road, but one I am certain is well worth the walk.
Lastly, I have this "glamorized" version of what his life is like now...relaxing by the pool, golfing, going out for a couple of drinks - maybe meeting someone new. Then it dawns on me, He will forever be in hell until he seeks help. No matter how good things look from the outside, I would never want to be in shoes. For whatever reasons, it makes me feel a little better..selfishly or not!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I would never in a million years want to be inside my ex's head, and I'd never choose to walk a day in his shoes either. They must be in hell. But until they make the change, they stay there. Well done on keeping strong, good job!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I would never in a million years want to be inside my ex's head"
Me either, as there was nothing there but turmoil and pain. Nothing positive or worth considering...it was an unending cesspool of crap.
No contact is the way to go, you can do this...for you...you deserve so much better...and, you know it.
Me either, as there was nothing there but turmoil and pain. Nothing positive or worth considering...it was an unending cesspool of crap.
No contact is the way to go, you can do this...for you...you deserve so much better...and, you know it.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you all your support. It REALLY does help!
Yes, I am worth it. I can't undo the past, but I can build my future.
P.S. NO man who steals, hurts and betrays his family is worth another thought or tear.
Yes, I am worth it. I can't undo the past, but I can build my future.
P.S. NO man who steals, hurts and betrays his family is worth another thought or tear.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dollydo 
" I would never in a million years want to be inside my ex's head"
Me either, as there was nothing there but turmoil and pain. Nothing positive or worth considering...it was an unending cesspool of crap.
No contact is the way to go, you can do this...for you....you deserve so much better...and, you know it.
Me either, as there was nothing there but turmoil and pain. Nothing positive or worth considering...it was an unending cesspool of crap.
No contact is the way to go, you can do this...for you....you deserve so much better...and, you know it.
Just Keep Swimming
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary, and while I am very happy and thankful for them, I have found myself dwelling on the "what could have been's" regarding my AH.
LoveMeNot, it sounds like you are on the right track...counseling, meetings, making your AH leave, not falling into his traps. I commend you for that as I know it's not easy. Keep doing what you're doing!
LoveMeNot, it sounds like you are on the right track...counseling, meetings, making your AH leave, not falling into his traps. I commend you for that as I know it's not easy. Keep doing what you're doing!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Many years ago....I had such horrible feelings of guilt over my addict daughter.
That was long before I started my own recovery from codependency.
My therapist suggested that I only allow myself to feel this horrible guilt for 10 minutes every morning. Cry about it....think about it....pray about it.....whatever is needed...but ONLY for 10 minutes and then it's done and over for that day.
The rest of the day...if a thought or feeling crept up on me....I could tell myself...NOPE...no more today. Save that thought for your 10 minutes tomorrow.
It really wasn't very long before I no longer spent the 10 minutes of guilt anymore.
It helped me to move past the guilt and the grief and accept that for what it is......
I didn't Cause it
I cant Control it
I can't Cure it
That was long before I started my own recovery from codependency.
My therapist suggested that I only allow myself to feel this horrible guilt for 10 minutes every morning. Cry about it....think about it....pray about it.....whatever is needed...but ONLY for 10 minutes and then it's done and over for that day.
The rest of the day...if a thought or feeling crept up on me....I could tell myself...NOPE...no more today. Save that thought for your 10 minutes tomorrow.
It really wasn't very long before I no longer spent the 10 minutes of guilt anymore.
It helped me to move past the guilt and the grief and accept that for what it is......
I didn't Cause it
I cant Control it
I can't Cure it
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by GoldfishSyn
Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary, and while I am very happy and thankful for them, I have found myself dwelling on the "what could have been's" regarding my AH.
LoveMeNot, it sounds like you are on the right track...counseling, meetings, making your AH leave, not falling into his traps. I commend you for that as I know it's not easy. Keep doing what you're doing!
LoveMeNot, it sounds like you are on the right track...counseling, meetings, making your AH leave, not falling into his traps. I commend you for that as I know it's not easy. Keep doing what you're doing!
Trust me, I am still very weak and scared. I have my "relapses" still and I am not disciplined about going to alanon. I have a longs ways to go.....but everyday I hope to become stronger and less depressed! But thank you for your kind words and reading my thread. The posts are really helping me!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by YearForMe
Many years ago....I had such horrible feelings of guilt over my addict daughter.
That was long before I started my own recovery from codependency.
My therapist suggested that I only allow myself to feel this horrible guilt for 10 minutes every morning. Cry about it....think about it....pray about it.....whatever is needed...but ONLY for 10 minutes and then it's done and over for that day.
The rest of the day...if a thought or feeling crept up on me....I could tell myself...NOPE...no more today. Save that thought for your 10 minutes tomorrow.
It really wasn't very long before I no longer spent the 10 minutes of guilt anymore.
It helped me to move past the guilt and the grief and accept that for what it is......
I didn't Cause it
I cant Control it
I can't Cure it
That was long before I started my own recovery from codependency.
My therapist suggested that I only allow myself to feel this horrible guilt for 10 minutes every morning. Cry about it....think about it....pray about it.....whatever is needed...but ONLY for 10 minutes and then it's done and over for that day.
The rest of the day...if a thought or feeling crept up on me....I could tell myself...NOPE...no more today. Save that thought for your 10 minutes tomorrow.
It really wasn't very long before I no longer spent the 10 minutes of guilt anymore.
It helped me to move past the guilt and the grief and accept that for what it is......
I didn't Cause it
I cant Control it
I can't Cure it
My therapist had me put stickies all around my house that say "I am feeling" and acknowledge what I am feeling at that moment. When I read one, I realize how many different feelings I have at that time...mostly negative ones - like anger, sad, scared, anxious, tired. I am looking forward to the day I say peaceful, strong, happy and free!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I think that we all have the power to transform the "what could have been" into the "what we want in our life". What we want is something we can work toward, dream of, believe in and create. We do have the power to create our dreams. In the love relationships that we have experienced we have opened our hearts to a dream. It just turns out that the person with whom we thought we would create the dream is too sick to be a partner in that creation.
The heart hurts as it works to re-gather a dream that had been promised/projected with another person who happens to be a struggling addict, making that dream impossible. We gather back up our dreams, our heart, our desire to partner in a deep and meaningful way...realizing that the person we were hoping to do so with is a sick and suffering person.
We let them go, we get out of each others way. In that separation the sick and suffering person no longer feels the need to make promises that they cannot keep. The codependent gets to quit holding anxiety producing expectations on someone who is too sick to live up to the expectation. In the separation there can still be love, empathy, compassion. But in the separation we get out of each others way. We let go of the tension between two human beings that such sickness creates. We let go of blame, self pity, hopelessness, grasping, desperation...
Our outlook changes. Life begins again. Love still exists, else it never did. Peace fills in where drama, pain, confusion and fear had thrived.
We let go with love.
The heart hurts as it works to re-gather a dream that had been promised/projected with another person who happens to be a struggling addict, making that dream impossible. We gather back up our dreams, our heart, our desire to partner in a deep and meaningful way...realizing that the person we were hoping to do so with is a sick and suffering person.
We let them go, we get out of each others way. In that separation the sick and suffering person no longer feels the need to make promises that they cannot keep. The codependent gets to quit holding anxiety producing expectations on someone who is too sick to live up to the expectation. In the separation there can still be love, empathy, compassion. But in the separation we get out of each others way. We let go of the tension between two human beings that such sickness creates. We let go of blame, self pity, hopelessness, grasping, desperation...
Our outlook changes. Life begins again. Love still exists, else it never did. Peace fills in where drama, pain, confusion and fear had thrived.
We let go with love.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by lesliej
I think that we all have the power to transform the "what could have been" into the "what we want in our life". What we want is something we can work toward, dream of, believe in and create. We do have the power to create our dreams. In the love relationships that we have experienced we have opened our hearts to a dream. It just turns out that the person with whom we thought we would create the dream is too sick to be a partner in that creation.
The heart hurts as it works to re-gather a dream that had been promised/projected with another person who happens to be a struggling addict, making that dream impossible. We gather back up our dreams, our heart, our desire to partner in a deep and meaningful way...realizing that the person we were hoping to do so with is a sick and suffering person.
We let them go, we get out of each others way. In that separation the sick and suffering person no longer feels the need to make promises that they cannot keep. The codependent gets to quit holding anxiety producing expectations on someone who is too sick to live up to the expectation. In the separation there can still be love, empathy, compassion. But in the separation we get out of each others way. We let go of the tension between two human beings that such sickness creates. We let go of blame, self pity, hopelessness, grasping, desperation...
Our outlook changes. Life begins again. Love still exists, else it never did. Peace fills in where drama, pain, confusion and fear had thrived.
We let go with love.
The heart hurts as it works to re-gather a dream that had been promised/projected with another person who happens to be a struggling addict, making that dream impossible. We gather back up our dreams, our heart, our desire to partner in a deep and meaningful way...realizing that the person we were hoping to do so with is a sick and suffering person.
We let them go, we get out of each others way. In that separation the sick and suffering person no longer feels the need to make promises that they cannot keep. The codependent gets to quit holding anxiety producing expectations on someone who is too sick to live up to the expectation. In the separation there can still be love, empathy, compassion. But in the separation we get out of each others way. We let go of the tension between two human beings that such sickness creates. We let go of blame, self pity, hopelessness, grasping, desperation...
Our outlook changes. Life begins again. Love still exists, else it never did. Peace fills in where drama, pain, confusion and fear had thrived.
We let go with love.
I need to change my attitude from the "shattered dream" to the adventure and challenges of a better reality. I can and will do this.
Good bye old dream, you have served a purpose in my life but its time for me to move on and experience new and better experiences. I have a lot to offer this world and I refuse to allow myself to be filled with pain and disappointment any longer. Look out world, I am coming back, strong, confident and ready to build a new dream.
BTW Lesliej, you have really have a way with words. Great job!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I dont know how I could be so stupid! Any "man" who steals and lies from his own family is not worth a second thought.
His "sickness" is of own creation, it is his own hell, and may he rot in it for all that he has done to the people that have loved him! No more excuses, no more sympathy, no more compassion!
The arrogance of asking for help (lies and manipulation) from the people you have hurt is beyond words. Yeah, he is sick all right. But I am finally waking up from this nightmare.
THIS is not love, it's not even like...................it's evil and unholy. It is the work of the devil and I dont want the devil in my life anymore.
(i think I am in the anger stage, lol)
His "sickness" is of own creation, it is his own hell, and may he rot in it for all that he has done to the people that have loved him! No more excuses, no more sympathy, no more compassion!
The arrogance of asking for help (lies and manipulation) from the people you have hurt is beyond words. Yeah, he is sick all right. But I am finally waking up from this nightmare.
THIS is not love, it's not even like...................it's evil and unholy. It is the work of the devil and I dont want the devil in my life anymore.
(i think I am in the anger stage, lol)
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