coping w/ bipolar alcoholic love
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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coping w/ bipolar alcoholic love
Hi, I am new to this forum. I have been in love with a wonderful man for the past four years. However, he is a diagnosed bipolar who refuses treatment, and he is an alcoholic. He also admits to being an alcoholic, but won't get treatment--he is high functioning and thinks willpower will work, if only he can master it. He doesn't drink all of the time, but he drinks most nights, cannot stop once he starts, and occasionally becomes very abusive verbally/emotionally toward either himself or others whom he loves. We have had at least one episode of mania in the past, where he dumped me, went with someone else, then came back, but we thought changing the situation around us and starting afresh would solve the problem.
That was about 1.5 years ago. The past 1.5 years, after that ended, have been awesome. We've had some scenes, dark moments, problems, but we've worked through them, and made many plans, merged our families for holidays, etc--it's been wonderful...except, of course, for some dark alcoholic events, for which he is always sorry the next day, and I've always forgiven him. (verbal abuse toward me, others, or himself)
About 7 weeks ago, a new episode of mania came on. We have been planning on moving in and getting married, he proposed/everyone knew we were engaged, then, within the course of a phone conversation, he abruptly dumped me, refused to work on it, totally shut me out. This time, I quickly realized what was happening, and, after he refused to talk with me and/or was crazy/abusive, I WITH LOVE AND NO JUDGMENT told him I thought he was manic and alcohol was clouding his ability to cope, and he needed help. He of course blamed me, got mean, refused to see me, and now claims he's seeing a new person, totally happy without me, it's all my fault, etc etc. His family is sympathetic, but won't do anything.
I'm devastated, but taking care of myself. Everyone--psychological and addiction professionals, friends and family, AA and Al-Anon people--have told me that I've done the right thing--called him on it, stopped enabling, etc. I'm getting support counseling, started going to al-anon, and trying not to make contact--but when I have, it's been messages of love and support, and concern.
Does anyone have any advice about how I can let go? this person is the love of my life. Most of our life together has been amazing, but i see this issue escalating, and, while he's always eventually called me and come back, I have to be prepared that I may never hear from him again--because I think I'm the first person to really call him out on everything and stop the enabling.
Some friends who are in AA recovery have told me that he will come back, if he hits his bottom, because I'm the one who has lovingly supported him and said i'm here if he wants to get help. Others have said he will come back eventually, because that's the pattern. However, the situation is new--I'm not offering enabling any more--and my counselor said I need to grieve him as if he is dead(!) and move on.
I really appreciate any ideas. I've been in alanon 3 weeks and it is helping me, definitely. Thank you.
That was about 1.5 years ago. The past 1.5 years, after that ended, have been awesome. We've had some scenes, dark moments, problems, but we've worked through them, and made many plans, merged our families for holidays, etc--it's been wonderful...except, of course, for some dark alcoholic events, for which he is always sorry the next day, and I've always forgiven him. (verbal abuse toward me, others, or himself)
About 7 weeks ago, a new episode of mania came on. We have been planning on moving in and getting married, he proposed/everyone knew we were engaged, then, within the course of a phone conversation, he abruptly dumped me, refused to work on it, totally shut me out. This time, I quickly realized what was happening, and, after he refused to talk with me and/or was crazy/abusive, I WITH LOVE AND NO JUDGMENT told him I thought he was manic and alcohol was clouding his ability to cope, and he needed help. He of course blamed me, got mean, refused to see me, and now claims he's seeing a new person, totally happy without me, it's all my fault, etc etc. His family is sympathetic, but won't do anything.
I'm devastated, but taking care of myself. Everyone--psychological and addiction professionals, friends and family, AA and Al-Anon people--have told me that I've done the right thing--called him on it, stopped enabling, etc. I'm getting support counseling, started going to al-anon, and trying not to make contact--but when I have, it's been messages of love and support, and concern.
Does anyone have any advice about how I can let go? this person is the love of my life. Most of our life together has been amazing, but i see this issue escalating, and, while he's always eventually called me and come back, I have to be prepared that I may never hear from him again--because I think I'm the first person to really call him out on everything and stop the enabling.
Some friends who are in AA recovery have told me that he will come back, if he hits his bottom, because I'm the one who has lovingly supported him and said i'm here if he wants to get help. Others have said he will come back eventually, because that's the pattern. However, the situation is new--I'm not offering enabling any more--and my counselor said I need to grieve him as if he is dead(!) and move on.
I really appreciate any ideas. I've been in alanon 3 weeks and it is helping me, definitely. Thank you.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Oh wow you have your hands full. The fact that he wont get treatment for his bipolar disorder alone is emotional abuse. I wouldnt go back to him unless he decides to get professional help with it. Its not fair to you to be in the roller coaster and him not do anything about it.
Im in my first week of no contact. It gets easier. At first I grieved him as if he was already dead but I found that didnt work. I was told her that I dont have to make the decision to never speak to him again right now but I do need space. So I didnt put a time limit on it. Take as much space as you need. Focus on yourself for a while.
Were here anytime you need us
Im in my first week of no contact. It gets easier. At first I grieved him as if he was already dead but I found that didnt work. I was told her that I dont have to make the decision to never speak to him again right now but I do need space. So I didnt put a time limit on it. Take as much space as you need. Focus on yourself for a while.
Were here anytime you need us
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Thank you so much for your kind words, understanding, and the hope. I am truly trying to take it one day at a time, and just realize that I don't know what will happen in the future. Thank you again--I like the idea of just saying, "i don't need to decide now" but just know that for now, it's no contact, for my sake. Thank you.
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Oh Gourami, I think his Bi polar has to be treated as well as his alcoholism. Unfortunately, substance abuse whether it is alcohol and/or drugs is very common in those with Bi Polar. Alcohol can and often does exacerbate manic episodes. As well, those with Bi Polar abuse alcohol to self medicate. They play off each other.
I really don't think he ran off and has stayed away because "you called him on his stuff" No, no, Bi Polar is a serious mental health issue. I wish you luck G, but Bi Polar and alcoholism makes for a very rocky and unpredictable hell in relationships if untreated.
I really don't think he ran off and has stayed away because "you called him on his stuff" No, no, Bi Polar is a serious mental health issue. I wish you luck G, but Bi Polar and alcoholism makes for a very rocky and unpredictable hell in relationships if untreated.
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Thank you, Gerry. I know he's self-medicating, and it's a nightmare. I guess what I meant was, i think there's a chance he won't try to come back this time because I called him on it, for the first time, fully. Unfortunately, i don't think he's hit his bottom 
I hope he does sooner, rather than later. It's hard to see someone killing themselves needlessly. Thanks again.
I hope he does sooner, rather than later. It's hard to see someone killing themselves needlessly. Thanks again.
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Im proud of you for calling him out on it. Saying this to yourself may help, "Id rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not". If he doesnt come back because you called him out on his crap then he doesnt deserve the honest, strong and loyal person you are. You deserve to feel loved all the time, everyday of the year, every year.
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Thank you so much...I will definitely remember that slogan and use it in my hard moments. This has definitely been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I did it from a place of love, but now I know I need to love myself and focus on my needs. Thank you again.
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I'm sure it is a nightmare G. I feel for you.
He didn't like you calling him out.....Too bad. It is what it is. He is what he is. And that is why he will likely not get help for either his Bi Polar or alcoholism. Unfortunately, none of this will be logical to him because there is no logic with Bi Polar. He is not able to reason G. You are dealing with apples and oranges. This may be difficult to accept, but maybe your life and your childrens lives would be much better without him in the long run. Do you really want your children living under the same roof as someone who is abusive and demonstrating all the behaviours and actions that go a long with mania?
He didn't like you calling him out.....Too bad. It is what it is. He is what he is. And that is why he will likely not get help for either his Bi Polar or alcoholism. Unfortunately, none of this will be logical to him because there is no logic with Bi Polar. He is not able to reason G. You are dealing with apples and oranges. This may be difficult to accept, but maybe your life and your childrens lives would be much better without him in the long run. Do you really want your children living under the same roof as someone who is abusive and demonstrating all the behaviours and actions that go a long with mania?
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