So much more than just my addict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Whiting Indiana
Posts: 9
So much more than just my addict.
I'm posting this because I'm at the end of my rope and I just don't know what to do. My fiancee is addicted to opiates. He prefers vicodin but will take methadone when it's available to him on the streets. I'm doing everything I can to help him live life but he's not my only problem.
My biggest problem is his family. Let me give you a little background, his sister and her husband are addicts. They are his suppliers and his problem and on top of it the husbands entire family sell drugs. The drugs are only a phone call away and a couple blocks walk/drive. The sister is pregnant and still using. They have been kicked out of their house because they can't make rent. They lost their jobs, car, home and self respect. They currently live with my future in-laws in a 2 bedroom apt with their 2 children. I've brought the addiction and enabling to my in-laws attention but it doesn't matter because the son-in-law is God's greatest gift to humanity. They even say what a great dad he is when he's passed out from methodone use. They think I'm the bad guy and I'm just controling my fiancee. I know better than that because I'm the only person who seems to care for their children and gradchildrens well being. So my real issue is, when he relapses and I have to kick him out, do I send him to the house or horrors? Ive asked his sister several times over the past 3 years to stop getting him drugs but she doesn't. I'm tempted to call child protective services on her because she's drugging her unborn child and doing tremendous damage to her existing children. Who knowingly gets pregnant when they can't afford their lifestyle as it is. I just don't know what else to do I'm in a position where I'm fighting an entire family and it's a losing battle when their own parents don't care their children are killing themselves.
I'm going to start naranon meetings on Sunday but I don't think that will help me in getting an entire family straight. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
My biggest problem is his family. Let me give you a little background, his sister and her husband are addicts. They are his suppliers and his problem and on top of it the husbands entire family sell drugs. The drugs are only a phone call away and a couple blocks walk/drive. The sister is pregnant and still using. They have been kicked out of their house because they can't make rent. They lost their jobs, car, home and self respect. They currently live with my future in-laws in a 2 bedroom apt with their 2 children. I've brought the addiction and enabling to my in-laws attention but it doesn't matter because the son-in-law is God's greatest gift to humanity. They even say what a great dad he is when he's passed out from methodone use. They think I'm the bad guy and I'm just controling my fiancee. I know better than that because I'm the only person who seems to care for their children and gradchildrens well being. So my real issue is, when he relapses and I have to kick him out, do I send him to the house or horrors? Ive asked his sister several times over the past 3 years to stop getting him drugs but she doesn't. I'm tempted to call child protective services on her because she's drugging her unborn child and doing tremendous damage to her existing children. Who knowingly gets pregnant when they can't afford their lifestyle as it is. I just don't know what else to do I'm in a position where I'm fighting an entire family and it's a losing battle when their own parents don't care their children are killing themselves.
I'm going to start naranon meetings on Sunday but I don't think that will help me in getting an entire family straight. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Just Keep Swimming
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
It sounds like you want to 'fix' your fiancee's family, and that's just not something you can do. They have to fix themselves, and that doesn't seem probable either. They sound a lot like my AH's family. I'm not trying to discourage you, just keepin it real. Focus on what you can do for yourself and let their problems remain their problems. Definitely go to naranon meetings. It helps to talk through these kinds of things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Whiting Indiana
Posts: 9
Your so right, I do want to "fix" their problems and I know thats just not going to happen. It's hard enough to fix ourselves. So do you think I should set boundaries for them? Everytime he's on a good path to recovery, it takes one phone call from his mother to mess it all up.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Seemee 
I'm going to start naranon meetings on Sunday but I don't think that will help me in getting an entire family straight.
If you are worried about the children , call CPS.
Your fiance is living his life as he sees fit. Any drug seeker can find drugs, anywhere. His family is not the problem.
Have you set a wedding date, yet?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Whiting Indiana
Posts: 9
Outtolunch, there is no way I'm even close to setting a wedding date. I know that I can't start a life with someone like this as much as I want to. I make sure I don't depend on him cuz that would just set me up for failure. He's a good man and I love him but I love myself more. I know what I have to do, but it's a lot easier said than done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Whiting Indiana
Posts: 9
Cynical one, I know all about the chances because my father is an alcoholic/drug addict and I'm pretty sure that's what attracts me to these dysfunctional relationships. The man I was with before this was extremely abusive. Luckily I got out but I fell I just replaced one bad thing for another.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If you have no plans to marry him...why is he your "fiancee"?
You have addiction on your side of the family,and, he has an overdose of addiction on his side of the family....why consider marrying him?
Perhaps it is time for you to get some help so that you do not keep hooking up with addicts and abusers.
I would suggest that you keep those meetings up...as for doing anything with his family..you are just wasting your time. Focus on you...not him...not his family.
You have addiction on your side of the family,and, he has an overdose of addiction on his side of the family....why consider marrying him?
Perhaps it is time for you to get some help so that you do not keep hooking up with addicts and abusers.
I would suggest that you keep those meetings up...as for doing anything with his family..you are just wasting your time. Focus on you...not him...not his family.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, Seemee.
It takes a certain courage to post here and a real desire to break out of denial. You sound like someone who is brave enough to look at truth and take action. People who are unwilling to look at truth or to make changes usually do not post at SR. In fact, they probably avoid it altogether. So I commend you for telling the truth about your fiance and his family, no minimizing in it, just the facts. That makes me think you have a real chance for recovery and a good life as a result of that recovery.
What I have seen families of addiction do is circle the wagons. I see this again and again. As soon as you do not play by the family rules, you will be exiled. Families of addiction are absolute about their rules: Don't Trust. Don't Tell. And for God's sake, Don't Change.
So you can't save them, dear, much as your good heart would like to.
Please go bloom somewhere.
It takes a certain courage to post here and a real desire to break out of denial. You sound like someone who is brave enough to look at truth and take action. People who are unwilling to look at truth or to make changes usually do not post at SR. In fact, they probably avoid it altogether. So I commend you for telling the truth about your fiance and his family, no minimizing in it, just the facts. That makes me think you have a real chance for recovery and a good life as a result of that recovery.
What I have seen families of addiction do is circle the wagons. I see this again and again. As soon as you do not play by the family rules, you will be exiled. Families of addiction are absolute about their rules: Don't Trust. Don't Tell. And for God's sake, Don't Change.
So you can't save them, dear, much as your good heart would like to.
Please go bloom somewhere.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Seeme,
Just wanted to say welcome and we all understand. I think Englishgarden said it best!! You definitely have a good chance at recovery and all you can worry about is YOU and getting your self healthy! Hugs!
Just wanted to say welcome and we all understand. I think Englishgarden said it best!! You definitely have a good chance at recovery and all you can worry about is YOU and getting your self healthy! Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by Seemee
Cynical one, I know all about the chances because my father is an alcoholic/drug addict and I'm pretty sure that's what attracts me to these dysfunctional relationships. The man I was with before this was extremely abusive. Luckily I got out but I fell I just replaced one bad thing for another.
Good for you for getting out of the abusive relationship. I've been where you are in terms of getting in dysfuctional relationships. My mom is an addict, and my dad is an alcoholic, so I had to struggle a lot--especially early on in life. This website has really good information under Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts.
You can't save him or save his family, but you can have a better life. There a lot of great information on the stickies on this page, and also on the stickies for Adult Children. Did you work with a counselor after your abusive relationship? I am a strong believer in seeking professional help. I knew early on that I did not want to live my life like my mom. It is possible to create a good reality for yourself. Hang in there. English Garden put it so well. It is great that you are reaching out for help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Whiting Indiana
Posts: 9
Thank you so much for your imput and advise. My father has not been a part of my life since I was 5. I was never abused by his addiction just his neglect. I hate to say this but since I was 12 I never let his actions or addiction effect me in any way. Luckily I have a mother that gave me enough love for both of them and that's helped me more than anything. What gets me really upset is that I can do what's best when it's my father but not the man I fell in love with. I just care about him more I guess. And my fiancé has never treated me the way most addicts have like stealing or even yelling at me. Of course there are constant lies but he never treats me bad only himself. The last thing I want to do is make excuses to stay but I just can't give up hope for him.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Taking care of you, having boundaries is not losing hope.
Leaving him to find his way is not losing hope.
Putting yourself first is not losing hope.
You can have all the hope and faith in him that you want.
But you have to DO what is best for you or else no one will have a chance. You don’t help him making his family an excuse, trust me when he is done he will cut them off, he will have no other choice but to so he can save himself.
Also if you find yourself at the point where you have to kick him out, you have no control as to where he goes, you are not sending him anywhere you are just removing him from your home…It will be his choice where he ends up.
And I will tell you right now he will get worse if he continues to use or relapses ( not sure by your post if he is using or not at this moment), it is how it works, it is progressive and it can get really ugly on the way down…no one can predict what his bottom will finally be, how low he will go, where he might compromise himself and cross lines he might have never ever been predisposed to.
So always make sure you are putting you, your safety, your hopes for you and dreams for you first.
And if you decide to stick around and keep watching, make sure you have a good support group and constantly work on yourself because there is no way anyone can stay and be ok. And that is not contingent on them just using, the work has to continue long after…
Leaving him to find his way is not losing hope.
Putting yourself first is not losing hope.
You can have all the hope and faith in him that you want.
But you have to DO what is best for you or else no one will have a chance. You don’t help him making his family an excuse, trust me when he is done he will cut them off, he will have no other choice but to so he can save himself.
Also if you find yourself at the point where you have to kick him out, you have no control as to where he goes, you are not sending him anywhere you are just removing him from your home…It will be his choice where he ends up.
And I will tell you right now he will get worse if he continues to use or relapses ( not sure by your post if he is using or not at this moment), it is how it works, it is progressive and it can get really ugly on the way down…no one can predict what his bottom will finally be, how low he will go, where he might compromise himself and cross lines he might have never ever been predisposed to.
So always make sure you are putting you, your safety, your hopes for you and dreams for you first.
And if you decide to stick around and keep watching, make sure you have a good support group and constantly work on yourself because there is no way anyone can stay and be ok. And that is not contingent on them just using, the work has to continue long after…
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Giving up the fantasy that you have influence or control over his addiction or family is not the same thing as giving up hope.
Can you accept him as is/where is, knowing addiction is progressive?
If you believe you can, please consider doubling up on the birth control. Parenthood does not cure addiction or codependency.
The relationship between an addict and his/her dope trumps everything.
Can you accept him as is/where is, knowing addiction is progressive?
If you believe you can, please consider doubling up on the birth control. Parenthood does not cure addiction or codependency.
The relationship between an addict and his/her dope trumps everything.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Accept that this disease has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is in recovery and clean or not. Any children brought into this relationship will be predisposed to addiction and there are no guarantees, relapses are common, even after years.
Do you really want to sign up for a rollercoaster ride from hail?
Do you really want to sign up for a rollercoaster ride from hail?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Whiting Indiana
Posts: 9
Well since his addiction has been in control we don't really have a sex life. I've been on birth control for a long time and I'm not planning or even thinking about kids in this situation. I don't know where kids came from but if I despise his sister for being a addict w kids why would I go and do it. just because I want kids doesn't mean I think they can save a relationship or even keep a couple together, that would just be stupid to think a baby can save anyone.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm glad you are on bc! I think people are
saying that because a lot of people end up having kids with their addicts, which just makes the situation harder. I understand you love him, but all the love in the world won't save him. If it did, all our loved ones would be sober! You could easily get attached to men since you didn't have a father around. I think I do that. My AF is useless, but I think I still try to meet men that I can "save." I don't do it on purpose. I don't even know how I do it, bc I don't find out they are addicts until long after I've fallen for them. The good is that through therapy, groups, posting, reading, you can learn. It's hard, and I struggle with it all the time. Anyway, yes, you can have hope for your addict, but still work on yourself. You are worth being in a relationship where you are primary and the person doesn't need fixing. Take care.
saying that because a lot of people end up having kids with their addicts, which just makes the situation harder. I understand you love him, but all the love in the world won't save him. If it did, all our loved ones would be sober! You could easily get attached to men since you didn't have a father around. I think I do that. My AF is useless, but I think I still try to meet men that I can "save." I don't do it on purpose. I don't even know how I do it, bc I don't find out they are addicts until long after I've fallen for them. The good is that through therapy, groups, posting, reading, you can learn. It's hard, and I struggle with it all the time. Anyway, yes, you can have hope for your addict, but still work on yourself. You are worth being in a relationship where you are primary and the person doesn't need fixing. Take care.
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