Limbo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 8
Limbo
Hello everyone,
I have been reading these forums for years, but I have never really had the courage to post. Here I am though and definately in need of some support or advice.
My story:
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We married young and for the most part had a good relationship. When we first met, we went out often and we both enjoyed having drinks with friends. A few years and a few children into our marriage, drinking for me was something I did occasionally. For my wife it was a different story. She started to drink at home. And as time went on the drinking got worse. At first, I would talk to her and for a while she would stop. But never for long. She was and is always functional in the sense she never misses work and has never been arrested or anything. Eventually the drinking became a major problem in our relationship. I asked her to stop. I begged her to stop. Eventually I tried everything in my power to control her access to money and alcohol. Nothing worked. I started to wtihdraw.I buried myself into my work. I became so angry that I started to hate her. I set ulitmatums. Stop or our marriage is over. 2 years ago I left. I didn't leave because I hate her. I love her but I hate the drinking and can't live with it.
2 years ago is when Limbo started. I haven't filed for divorce. For two years this is how it has gone. She tells me she loves me. She promises not to drink. I want so bad to believe her. We try to reconcile. then she drinks and I leave or withdraw. I am so tired.
I still love her so much, but I want to be happy. I just don't know if I can be happy with her. I can't move on. I am just stuck in limbo.
I don't know how to deal with this situation. I don't know how to end it and I can't fix her.
Anyone relate? I am looking for any help anyone has to offer!
J
I have been reading these forums for years, but I have never really had the courage to post. Here I am though and definately in need of some support or advice.
My story:
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We married young and for the most part had a good relationship. When we first met, we went out often and we both enjoyed having drinks with friends. A few years and a few children into our marriage, drinking for me was something I did occasionally. For my wife it was a different story. She started to drink at home. And as time went on the drinking got worse. At first, I would talk to her and for a while she would stop. But never for long. She was and is always functional in the sense she never misses work and has never been arrested or anything. Eventually the drinking became a major problem in our relationship. I asked her to stop. I begged her to stop. Eventually I tried everything in my power to control her access to money and alcohol. Nothing worked. I started to wtihdraw.I buried myself into my work. I became so angry that I started to hate her. I set ulitmatums. Stop or our marriage is over. 2 years ago I left. I didn't leave because I hate her. I love her but I hate the drinking and can't live with it.
2 years ago is when Limbo started. I haven't filed for divorce. For two years this is how it has gone. She tells me she loves me. She promises not to drink. I want so bad to believe her. We try to reconcile. then she drinks and I leave or withdraw. I am so tired.
I still love her so much, but I want to be happy. I just don't know if I can be happy with her. I can't move on. I am just stuck in limbo.
I don't know how to deal with this situation. I don't know how to end it and I can't fix her.
Anyone relate? I am looking for any help anyone has to offer!
J
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome Joel.
I am sorry for what brought you hear, but am glad that you found this group. I have learned a lot in the short time I have been on here.
I have gotten a lot of support in Al-anon regarding what you posted about. I started about two years ago, and have a lot more answers then I did then. No it is not perfect, but I am comfortable with the decisions I have made and know that I am moving my life forward and healing.
I also did a lot of reading about addiction.
Posting helps too, and more will be along soon to share their Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH).
I am sorry for what brought you hear, but am glad that you found this group. I have learned a lot in the short time I have been on here.
I have gotten a lot of support in Al-anon regarding what you posted about. I started about two years ago, and have a lot more answers then I did then. No it is not perfect, but I am comfortable with the decisions I have made and know that I am moving my life forward and healing.
I also did a lot of reading about addiction.
Posting helps too, and more will be along soon to share their Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH).
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Joel, check out the Classic section under the Stickies (on the top of the forum), lots of good reading there
These articles have helped me understand the cycle of abuse/empty promises:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
These articles have helped me understand the cycle of abuse/empty promises:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Link to the Classic reading section
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am sorry you have gone through so much 
but I am glad you arrived to SR, lots of healing goes on here everyday.
The good news is that it is under our control to start feeling better and taking care of ourselves. Admitting we are stuck is the first step towards recovery & healing (to me recovery=mental health)
but I am glad you arrived to SR, lots of healing goes on here everyday. The good news is that it is under our control to start feeling better and taking care of ourselves. Admitting we are stuck is the first step towards recovery & healing (to me recovery=mental health)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Alanon helps many people here, good for you for going!
I also went to AA meetings as a listener. It was great for me to understand what a RECOVERED alcoholic looks like.. after that I could no longer believe words without actions to back them up
Therapy /counseling is also recommended
As well as the "Codependent no more" book by Melody Beatty.
My posts are "my recovery in a nutshell" lol.
Welcome to SR!
I also went to AA meetings as a listener. It was great for me to understand what a RECOVERED alcoholic looks like.. after that I could no longer believe words without actions to back them up
Therapy /counseling is also recommended
As well as the "Codependent no more" book by Melody Beatty.
My posts are "my recovery in a nutshell" lol.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 8
TakingCharge -
I have been in so much counseling. Nothing seems to get me out of the limbo I am in. I left, which is great, but I still get sucked into the drama. I am afraid to get divorced and afraid to go back. The hardest part is she keeps telling me that she loves me and that she is so sorry for hurting me. And that makes me weak because I want so bad to believe her but everytime I do I get burned.
Despite all this, I still can't bring myself to file for divorce! I am crazy!
I don't want to end up alone. I want to be in a healthy relationship and I want to be happy, but I am not really sure I even know what a healthy relationship is!
The worst part is that if I am being honest, I have to admit that I don't even believe a normal person would even want me! That's so messed up!
I have been in so much counseling. Nothing seems to get me out of the limbo I am in. I left, which is great, but I still get sucked into the drama. I am afraid to get divorced and afraid to go back. The hardest part is she keeps telling me that she loves me and that she is so sorry for hurting me. And that makes me weak because I want so bad to believe her but everytime I do I get burned.
Despite all this, I still can't bring myself to file for divorce! I am crazy!
I don't want to end up alone. I want to be in a healthy relationship and I want to be happy, but I am not really sure I even know what a healthy relationship is!
The worst part is that if I am being honest, I have to admit that I don't even believe a normal person would even want me! That's so messed up!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome....if you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like...what do you imagine your children think? They will carry their childhood into adulthood, this revolving door relationship and being exposed to addiction certainly is not healthy for them.
Might be time to reassign some priorities focus on what is best for your children, she is an adult, she is an alcoholic, this is her problem to solve....actions not words...her words mean nothing.
Might be time to reassign some priorities focus on what is best for your children, she is an adult, she is an alcoholic, this is her problem to solve....actions not words...her words mean nothing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Joel, I have been in limbo for 2 years. I get angry at myself for not being able to move on but then I allow myself to think that this is just where I am supposed to be and what lessons am I learning from this. This is how I've learned so far:
Al Anon has been a great place a support to help me learn how to take care of myself, how to grateful for all I have good in my life and to see the big picture- not just the tunnel vision that was always focused on him. It also helped me cope with the endless drama that seems to follow A's.
Words are just empty promises. If my AH's words (and there have been few) of wanting to open up to me and share anything about his life, or express any remorse, are not coupled with action then he is not ready for recovery. Maybe he is becoming aware of what the alcohol is doing to him and can almost accept it but is not ready to take action.
You have taken action by removing yourself from the situation.
Good conversations with my husband are just a snippet in time. A brief connection. Not a promise for the future.
At this point I know I have come too far to ever going back to living with active drinking. I would be taking backward steps. I have struggled too long and hard to get to where I am now. NOt going back there.
I have not taken steps to divorce my husband. I still hope and pray that he will seek recovery. I am not ready to close that door. But in the meantime I am living a good life with friends and family. Taking care of myself.
I hope you are learning o do the same. When you are ready to take the next step you will know. I am being patient with myself as well.
Al Anon has been a great place a support to help me learn how to take care of myself, how to grateful for all I have good in my life and to see the big picture- not just the tunnel vision that was always focused on him. It also helped me cope with the endless drama that seems to follow A's.
Words are just empty promises. If my AH's words (and there have been few) of wanting to open up to me and share anything about his life, or express any remorse, are not coupled with action then he is not ready for recovery. Maybe he is becoming aware of what the alcohol is doing to him and can almost accept it but is not ready to take action.
You have taken action by removing yourself from the situation.
Good conversations with my husband are just a snippet in time. A brief connection. Not a promise for the future.
At this point I know I have come too far to ever going back to living with active drinking. I would be taking backward steps. I have struggled too long and hard to get to where I am now. NOt going back there.
I have not taken steps to divorce my husband. I still hope and pray that he will seek recovery. I am not ready to close that door. But in the meantime I am living a good life with friends and family. Taking care of myself.
I hope you are learning o do the same. When you are ready to take the next step you will know. I am being patient with myself as well.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Thanks for that post Dolly, that was the first thing that jumped out at me in his post, what about the kids.
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA or ACA) I can tell you that you are not doing them any favors by leaving them to be raised by an alcoholic. What sort of self worth do you think they are going to have?
As Dolly said it's time to man up and start thinking about taking care of YOUR children.
Your friend,
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA or ACA) I can tell you that you are not doing them any favors by leaving them to be raised by an alcoholic. What sort of self worth do you think they are going to have?
As Dolly said it's time to man up and start thinking about taking care of YOUR children.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Joel, two years is a long time to be in limbo.
Being in a relationship with an active alcoholic is mind bending, and it will bring you down to the core of your soul.
Your self esteem and your happiness will never recover until you get away from the nonsense. Do yourself and your children a favor and begin your own journey of recovery, healing will happen, your children need you. They have healing of their own to do. You are the only one that can insure that happens for them.
sending you lots of love K
Being in a relationship with an active alcoholic is mind bending, and it will bring you down to the core of your soul.
Your self esteem and your happiness will never recover until you get away from the nonsense. Do yourself and your children a favor and begin your own journey of recovery, healing will happen, your children need you. They have healing of their own to do. You are the only one that can insure that happens for them.
sending you lots of love K
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi Joel,
I'm so glad you decided to post. I'm also glad to hear that you are in counseling. I hope your counselor is familiar with addictions and how they affect family. I only saw a counselor for a short time but she was an addictions specialist and she 'got it' and it was such a valuable experience for me. If you do not feel like you are making progress with a counselor it is OK to try another. Not all of them are good and even among the good ones not all are a good match for us individually.
Besides the counselor the other things I did to get 'unstuck' were
1) I read here. I posted questions. I really thought about each answer. I read all the stickies at the top. Very good stuff up there.
2) I read Co-Dependent No More (very good book for me) - and a couple other books from the classic reading sticky.
3) I went to some al-anon meetings and read a lot of al-anon literature. The meetings were good and beneficial and I only went a few months. I didn't continue on with them when I moved because I couldn't take that much time off work every week to travel.
How old are your kids?
I'm so glad you decided to post. I'm also glad to hear that you are in counseling. I hope your counselor is familiar with addictions and how they affect family. I only saw a counselor for a short time but she was an addictions specialist and she 'got it' and it was such a valuable experience for me. If you do not feel like you are making progress with a counselor it is OK to try another. Not all of them are good and even among the good ones not all are a good match for us individually.
Besides the counselor the other things I did to get 'unstuck' were
1) I read here. I posted questions. I really thought about each answer. I read all the stickies at the top. Very good stuff up there.
2) I read Co-Dependent No More (very good book for me) - and a couple other books from the classic reading sticky.
3) I went to some al-anon meetings and read a lot of al-anon literature. The meetings were good and beneficial and I only went a few months. I didn't continue on with them when I moved because I couldn't take that much time off work every week to travel.
How old are your kids?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I believe I read somewhere in the Al-Anon literature that it usually takes 2-3 years of attending meetings before the spouse of the alcoholic is ready to consider taking action to change his or her situation. So your hesitancy to move forward with divorce during these last two years seems to fit with that pattern. And personally I think separation first before divorce, particularly when children are involved, is best.
As mentioned above, however, your post implies your alcoholic wife is raising the children (you do not mention the children went with you). And this is completely unacceptable. Alcoholics make people sick. Your children are sick and getting sicker every day they live with an active alcoholic mother. They may look well on the outside. Maybe their grades are fine, maybe they are playing sports, getting awards, looking good. But they are suffering. This is inevitable.
So it is time now to deal with divorce and custody issues. It is time to stop listening to your drunk wife's lovey words and pay attention to the fact that she has not sobered up. She keeps you hooked with her coos. Time to wake up.
We all know how much hope you've had for a reunion, for a happy marriage, for a healthy family life. But your hope is an illusion. Alcoholism controls your family. And alcoholism eats families up. And we all have to wake up and face it. You have to wake up and face it. While you have been living on your own, alcoholism has been progressing in her, in your children, and in you.
Work on your codependency. Get a lawyer. Get going.
As mentioned above, however, your post implies your alcoholic wife is raising the children (you do not mention the children went with you). And this is completely unacceptable. Alcoholics make people sick. Your children are sick and getting sicker every day they live with an active alcoholic mother. They may look well on the outside. Maybe their grades are fine, maybe they are playing sports, getting awards, looking good. But they are suffering. This is inevitable.
So it is time now to deal with divorce and custody issues. It is time to stop listening to your drunk wife's lovey words and pay attention to the fact that she has not sobered up. She keeps you hooked with her coos. Time to wake up.
We all know how much hope you've had for a reunion, for a happy marriage, for a healthy family life. But your hope is an illusion. Alcoholism controls your family. And alcoholism eats families up. And we all have to wake up and face it. You have to wake up and face it. While you have been living on your own, alcoholism has been progressing in her, in your children, and in you.
Work on your codependency. Get a lawyer. Get going.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi Joel, I separated from my husband of 16 years nearly a year ago. We have four kids. He did not stop drinking even in the face of losing his marriage. I've really struggled with the grief and loss.
I just started seeing a counselor who specializes in addictions. It is really helpful as I work at getting my head straight about my husband and everything else. If you can do it, counseling would be a good step for you. Also Al Anon. Also read "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Beattie.
Good luck to you. You are not alone.
I just started seeing a counselor who specializes in addictions. It is really helpful as I work at getting my head straight about my husband and everything else. If you can do it, counseling would be a good step for you. Also Al Anon. Also read "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Beattie.
Good luck to you. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Joel, I was you. If you really want your life to improve give Alanon a chance. Keep an open mind, and try at least six meetings (some different), before deciding if you will continue.
It saved my life and took me out of limbo. It didn't do it as fast as I wanted it to, but it did it.
Take care,
Cyranoak
It saved my life and took me out of limbo. It didn't do it as fast as I wanted it to, but it did it.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 8
Thank you for your replies.
My kids are 17, 14 & 9. My 17 year old is with me full time, the other two are with me 3-4 nights week. I work 3rd shift 3 nights per week.
I definately am going to attend an Al anon meeting next week in my area. I need something. I do have a lawyer but just can't seem to take that step. I want her to stop and I want us to work it out. She has periods where she won't drink that I know of for a few months; during those times I start to trust her and feel hopeful but then she will start again, slowly at first but then it gets worse and then it starts all over again.
I just feel so much guilt. Like I am abandoning her and I feel like such a failure. For everything. I am just scared all the time.
Is this a normal reaction or am I just weak?
I am hoping al anon will help
My kids are 17, 14 & 9. My 17 year old is with me full time, the other two are with me 3-4 nights week. I work 3rd shift 3 nights per week.
I definately am going to attend an Al anon meeting next week in my area. I need something. I do have a lawyer but just can't seem to take that step. I want her to stop and I want us to work it out. She has periods where she won't drink that I know of for a few months; during those times I start to trust her and feel hopeful but then she will start again, slowly at first but then it gets worse and then it starts all over again.
I just feel so much guilt. Like I am abandoning her and I feel like such a failure. For everything. I am just scared all the time.
Is this a normal reaction or am I just weak?
I am hoping al anon will help
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
You are doing the right things now. Getting help. Seeing the kids' needs and your own.
It will take time. There is no reason to do anything like divorce etc if you are not ready.
Concentrate on the children and separate from your wife in your head. You have plenty of time for relationships in the future. You would not be ready now anyway.
Give your wife the dignity of seeing her problem and getting help.
Set boundaries for yourself. You cannot "get her" to recover.
Therapy, the books suggested above, AlAnon, all will help.
Good advice above.
It is harder for the children to see you back and forth in the relationship, so the idea of staying for the kids etc doesn't actually help at all. Roller-coaster.
Don't ask them about your wife's drinking. Tempting to do this, but not fair. However, they need to be able to talk. AlAteen is probably a good idea for the two older ones.
Good luck. Stay strong. Be patient.
Anne
It will take time. There is no reason to do anything like divorce etc if you are not ready.
Concentrate on the children and separate from your wife in your head. You have plenty of time for relationships in the future. You would not be ready now anyway.
Give your wife the dignity of seeing her problem and getting help.
Set boundaries for yourself. You cannot "get her" to recover.
Therapy, the books suggested above, AlAnon, all will help.
Good advice above.
It is harder for the children to see you back and forth in the relationship, so the idea of staying for the kids etc doesn't actually help at all. Roller-coaster.
Don't ask them about your wife's drinking. Tempting to do this, but not fair. However, they need to be able to talk. AlAteen is probably a good idea for the two older ones.
Good luck. Stay strong. Be patient.
Anne
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