hardy

I know its my responsibility to get off drugs. I really want to and I really try. I can't do it. I hate myself for not being able to do it. I don't know what to do. I basically told the two people trying to help me to leave me alone because I don't care anymore. I don't really want them to leave me alone but I'm tired of disappointing everyone. I seriously need to be locked away safe from myself. Maybe I'm just weak I don't know but I want to stop and haven't been able to. I just want to kill myself and stop wasting everyone's time with my pathetic BS. The only chance I have is if my choices are taken away from me. Why can't those around me see how screwed up I am? Can I set up my own intervention?I'm ready for help so somebody help me.

Bledsoe

Do you have the phone number of NA? You can call them and speak to someone, aka starting your own intervention...

angel1hd

I completely agree with Bledsoe.

Dee74

Hi Hardy

I'm sorry you're feeling so low - maybe talking to someone on one of these numbers will help?

D

Jilllian

good lord, this sounds like i wrote this myself!

if you were weak like you say you are, you wouldn't have the guts to come here and share your personal story with us. so try to get that thought out of your head and recognize the bravery it takes in admitting that you have a problem to begin with. that's huge. you need to see that! and give yourself some credit for that. i haven't been around here long, but one common theme i see amongst those of us who are new to sobriety, is beating ourselves up, when we should be patting ourselves on the back instead for the successes were making, even if they seem small to us.

maybe those around you really CAN see that you're struggling, but they're afraid to say something for fear of upsetting you or pushing you over that proverbial edge? just a thought, as that's what my family does. they don't say anything because they think i'm that effing fragile.

if you feel the need for strong intervention (i'm with you here, too), go get it now.

as for setting up your own intervention, why not? what's stopping you?

hardy

Fear is stopping me. I'm afraid that if my family finds out they will just disown me and kick me out without helping me get treatment. Then ill still be addicted but totally alone and have nothing. I can't blow my life up without knowing its safe to not be okay and that its okay to need help.

Change4good

Show them what you have posted here. You haven't given up, and you don't want them to either. . .

Dee74

I think a lot of us have fears Hardy - and sometimes those fears can paralyse us.

The fact is tho - you've said you need help to get out of the cycle you're in - you already know you need to make changes...don't back away from that.

Make some calls, check some things out, you don't have to commit to anything...but I hope you will

D

Jitterbugg

Hi hardy...I hid my addiction from my family for years. I only saw them a few times a year on holidays, so they didn't realize that I drank like that everyday. Finally, I hit rock-bottom and turned to my parents for help and they were there to support me, get me treatment etc. I know ever family is different, but you can't beat it alone. Reach out to someone!

wellwisher

hardy -

I'm glad you are posting here. My experience has shown me that while some people are willing to help, they just don't know the type of help we need.

I found that asking others who have beat their addictions to have the best type of help to offer.

You can do this; my hope is you start looking for help in all the right places.

DayTrader

That's what I was thinking too.

Drinking and drugging are bad enough. If you're unfortunate enough to have a host of other stuff going on in the background (as many of us do - "alcoholISM"
for example), simply stopping the drugs or the booze doesn't seem to help THAT much. The drinking related problems stop, sure enough, .....but then you're left to deal with all that other stuff that drinking/drugging helped you quiet, ignore, escape from.

All that other "stuff".....that's what we deal with in 12-step programs. I sure didn't want to "join up." Not by a long shot.....but it's opened up a lot of opportunities for me. As I finally got some relief from all that crap in the background (stuff that I didn't REALLY even know was there), things started to get and feel a whole lot better.

Zencat

Greetings Hardy.

I understand that responsibility, I'm the only one that has the task of not picking up that first drug or drink. But its not easy for many of us that are addicted to change for the better. That feeling of powerlessness is a hard one to overcome. What can help is to be empowered with knowing what to do and then do it.

I would suggest that you continue your participation here at SR. Gain some understanding about the nature of addiction. Put a recovery action plan together and put it to practice. And keep reaching out for support. Another responsibility you can consider is to be active in your own recovery. You can get better

Terminally Unique

If completely private recovery would alleviate this concern for you and get you moving forward, you may want to look into AVRT from Rational Recovery. It doesn't require meetings or self-disclosure, and you don't "get help" -- you help yourself. You can check out the secular connections forum, which has an active thread on the method, or send me a Private Message if you want more information.

GirlFromCO

Of course you can do it. You're going to have to dig deep and find the strength, hardy. I remember what it's like and it might seem impossible right now, but it isn't. When you feel like you can't do it - that's your addiction talking. Any one of us here would love to be able to do this for you - the pain you're feeling comes across so clearly through your posts. This is a path you have to walk on your own. We'll be here to share our experiences and cheer you on, but all the steps you take come from you and nobody else.

The good news is that once you realize that you are the only one with the power to change your future it's pretty easy to get started. You've got so much more strength than you realize - it's time to unleash it. You're in a fight for your life right now.

2granddaughters

hardy: You have to stop analyzing and just surrender. Call NA and get with those folks.. you truly have nothing to lose. Just do it.

Some are telling you to fight harder, some are telling you to surrender.
I surrendered in 1989 and it was the thing to do for me.
You are in a ocean of pain and fear. If you think you can swim to land (wherever it is), then go for it. If you need a lifeguard to save you, just get on your knees and ask God for help, then call NA. Your choice.

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

Saliena

Listen to what everyone is saying here... you are worth the effort.. get the help you need and get better. I know it sounds easy.. but, it is hard f*cking work... but, you are worthy and worth it.

artsoul

Hi Hardy -

You've said a couple time that you make "too much money" for government assisted programs because you spend it all on drugs. If you went to rehab and got off the drugs, though, you'd be able to work and put that money towards rent and paying off your treatment. A lot of addicts and alcoholics are in the same boat you are when they first get sober. Have you talked to any of the treatment centers about your situation to see what the costs and payment options are?

What happened with the counselor you were seeing (or supposed to see?). Here's a website with numbers you can call for mental health crisis intervention - it's listed by county :http://www.adp.cahwnet.gov/cojac/pdf...ur_Hotline.pdf

Don't let your family hold you back. Talk to everyone who can help you. I can tell you I'd rather be sober and kicked out, than living in hell and wanting to end my life. We're here for you, hardy. :ghug3

Veritas1

You know it takes some people a long time to realize fear controls them.

You understood it right away. To be so clear about it is a gift for sure.

Fear is stopping you.

Fear also drives us to drink and use.

What's the opposite of fear? Faith.

Pray to God as you understand Him to remove your fear and help you to find a way to get the help you need.

Fear not.

God is for us.


~


AA Kern County Central Office