Lost3000

I really have come a long way.

3 years ago I belonged to another forum that covered all kinds of topics. One area was alcoholism. I posted all over the place except for that area, funny enough. I had all kinds of problems with work, my family, my husband. I posted in those arenas but not the alcoholism area. Then I finally got the idea that it was my drinking that was causing problems.

So I posted away about quitting drinking. And then I did, for about 2 mos. But it was half-hearted. I see that now.

I went back and reread my posts. Which are very hard to read! I couldn't let go of my drinking friends, couldn't face never drinking again, couldn't see attending AA mtgs. So strange to me now.

As soon as I quit drinking this Jan. my drinking friends fell away from me, never to speak to me again. And I work with them! But I'm ok with it, I really truly am. I realize now that they weren't friends at all. In fact, they are very sick too and being around them is NOT in my best interest (or theirs for that matter).

I was really hung up on never drinking again. Not so much now. Although if I give it too much thought it can become overwhelming. And so I redirect my thoughts and concentrate on what I'm doing with my life now.

Living with my husband, a normal drinker, has become wonderful. It's not all of a sudden magical and fairytale-ish, but it's peaceful and calm in our home. We have had a couple of arguments, but not the knock down, drag out, all nighter fights of before when I was drunk. Now I'm experiencing feelings, real ones, about my husband and my marriage. Sometimes it's hard, or uncomfortable, or uneasy. But it's real and not altered by booze.

I came up with every excuse I could for rejecting AA, when I knew nothing about it. Stupid really. To assume that the higher power thing means God. To assume that it's not for me when I didn't even try it. This time around, I was truly done drinking, so I embraced AA -- whether it involved God or not LOL. I decided I don't care if God is involved, heck, I'll just ignore that part. Because obviously these people are doing something I am not, or don't know how to do.

Things aren't all perfect for me today but I'm muddling through it. And I still think my life is better this way than before. I think I'm going to print out those old posts and put them with my journal.

Dee74

fantastic post Lost - ty

I wasn't in a forum before this...but if I had been my posts would have been about not wanting to change, not wanting to 'lose' anything, too.

I didn't lose a thing by getting into recovery - a few people drifted away, & I made some changes to my life sure...but I changed too, along with my life...I grew to fit my new life

I gained so much...and y'know? everything did fall into place after a while

Best thing I ever did

D

recoverywfaith

Congrats!!

Lost3000

Thanks!! I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to look at reality. I thought a therapist could fix me, or a different bar, different booze, or different schedule at work. I was sure I could think my way out of this one.

What I thought I was losing (bar friends) was an illusion. One person I work with is on my floor, I see her every day. She only stopped to talk to me the other day, for the first time in almost 4 months --- to tell me about another drunk who recently died. I think the drama of it all led her to speak to me, but not before. The others haven't stopped by my office even once to ask how I'm doing. I thought at the very least one would ask me to the bar, but I haven't even gotten that! I thought that they'd notice I wasn't around anymore, and wonder what happened to me. Nope. Weird.

Dee, I'm glad to hear that everything fell into place in your new life. I am really hoping it happens that way for me too. It certainly isn't instantaneous, but I figure if I keep plugging along doing what I'm doing - it'll work out.

Dee74

I don't mean to give the impression it was overnight lol...but it did happen.
We really do get the life we work for, I think

D

LoftyIdeals

Great post, L3K! (BTW...any relation to Andre3000? LOL)

I can totally relate to the domestic peace. My wife and I still have disagreements, but not nearly as "knock down drag outs" (same term I've always used) of the past.

Glad you found your mojo! And those work "friends"? Fahgettaboutit!

camedown

Great post. I too belong to another forum, and was still an active drinker there. The main difference is now my post don't read like this....

"So tod;a wajd a realllyu hard day at rork."

Lost3000

Oh, I didn't get that impression.

Lost3000

LOL, no relation to Andre3000, although he's pretty cool.

Arguments now are so much more...civil. I'm still emotional, still cry. But I'm still me. I just don't drink.

And the loss of the work friends? Well, it felt like dead weight. Part of my being free was losing them.

Lost3000

Yikes!

Lost3000

Wow. I'm copying and pasting a post I wrote 3 yrs ago. I was so disillusioned. I honestly thought I could have one or two. I'm sure others in the forum were thinking, oh boy, too bad, she just doesn't get it. And funny, at the end I talk about how lonely I am - but yet I totally rejected AA! And of course I hated AA, that's where people go to hang out and talk about reality. The fact that they can't drink ever again, or have one or two just on the holidays. OMG. I just can't believe I thought like that back then. I can see now how I just really wasn't ready to accept things. The truth is, after my post, I went on vacay and drank and drank. Every day, from that point on, until Jan. this year when I quit. Maybe I needed to go thru all that just to see.

Here it is:

So it'll be 7 weeks this Monday I've been sober. And I'm loving it.

I have a Mexican vacation coming up in which I'm sure I'll drink, but I have changed my view somewhat as to that issue. Not that I'm a veteran or anything, but I truly believe that I have taken a step back, changed many of my ways, and feel that perhaps one or two will be ok for me when in Mexico, and perhaps even beyond that, say Christmas or New Years. I do not miss my old drinking days any longer, do not miss fighting with my husband (although I have found that never goes away, it's just not as bad!)

In any case, life is very good. I've discovered a book. Or two. Many of you suggested to AA to me, and while I did try to go, I did not enjoy the meetings at all and felt that it was not a good fit for me whatsoever. I felt that many people I spoke to held the mantra that AA was the only way. And in fact, only one person on here mentioned an alternative to me, Women for Sobriety.

The book I'm into now is called Sober for Good. It explores research, data and I think it is 175 people who have become sober thru various avenues. The research is suprising in that many people have found sobriety thru other means than AA, and a surprising amount of people have become sober on their own.

The other book I'm getting into is called How to Quit Drinking Without AA. This book is much more practical for me and offers exercises, and lists to make and such and really keeps me on track.

My point is, for those of you out there who struggled and are struggling like me, AA is not the only way. Check these out: Women for Sobriety, SMART Recovery, Rational Recovery, Secular Organizations for Sobriety or Moderation Management. There is also an outstanding amount of people who have spent years being sober and discovered that they can in fact drink every once in awhile.

Now mind you, I don't think that I'm in that category just yet. I feel very new still. If it weren't for Mexico coming up, I would just keep on what I'm doing and perhaps try something on Christmas Day.

I went to happy hour this week with two coworkers. I was amazed at the difference. I ordered "something fruity with no alcohol". I watched my one coworker babble nonstop. I watched the other watch her amusingly. I cringed at the drunken large group behind us. But I didn't falter one bit, no urge to drink, and no regret either.

Good stuff: My blood pressure has dropped, cholesterol is down (after only 7 wks. of not drinking!), I've lost weight (finally let sugar go and work out everyday), and my mood is 10 times better. Still studying for the LSAT this June.

Not so good: I'm still struggling making friends. Perhaps I should take my own advice and try one of these groups to meet people. I'm lonely and wish I could find a friend I "click" with.

GirlFromCO

I feel so sorry for her because I know she has 3 years of hell ahead of her I am really glad you've gotten to this point, Lost. It makes me happy to see.

Lost3000

And you realize that "her" is me? I have mixed emotions when reading my past posts: Sadness, regret, humor (bitter), irritation - I guess none of them are good.

Anna

Lost, this is a wonderful post.

I'm so glad that you faced your addiction and did what you needed to do.

Lost3000

Thanks Anna. I'm glad I wrote a lot, and do now, so that I can look back. There are so many conflicting statements in my posts. In one I say I hate beer. In another I talk about only having 1-2 beers at happy hour and then 1-2 shots of vodka at home.

I don't believe I was consciously trying to deceive others. I think I was so caught up in my own self-deceit that it came out to other people as well. Like I believed my own lies.

My own stupid brain was working against me. I think I'm smart, I know it all. But jeez, you'd think a smart person would stop and really think about what she's saying. The problem was I was drinking and smothering my smart brain cells. I couldn't think clearly because I was drunk. And I couldn't make a full life change because I wasn't willing to look at the truth.

hypochondriac

Very inspiring Lost. I wish I'd found a forum a few years back. I really struggled with the concept of never drinking again and had all these preconceived ideas about things I knew nothing about. I'm only just starting to learn now things I should have been looking into many years ago.

Thanks for sharing x

Lost3000

They are out there, of course none as good as SR. But yes, not having a forum would be very tough. All of the information you can glean so quickly. Without that, I'd be very lost, pun intended!

hypochondriac

It makes me wonder what people did pre internet (hell, my drinking problem was pre internet) and pre AA! Which has only been around since the 30's right?

We're very lucky to have SR

Lost3000

I think that's where AA gained in strength, there was nothing else. And no way of talking to, or bonding with, other alkies. So maybe it's a just a tiny bit easier now because we have so many ways of talking with others.

Itchy

Good posts lost. Thanks. One thing I see being repeated a lot is the friends and excitement and all of that 3 bucks will buy me a good cup of coffee. I honestly don't care what any other chooses for themselves, and am on no mission. I am here for folks for support and get that in return, but I am very happy to let the universe turn without pretending I can change any of it but me. Me I got! You you sound like you've got you covered too. Stay had by your self.

All we can do here is be here, and share what we found and what is normal and what you need to consult a doc about.

But the biggest things we do here are talk without fear as all have been where we were and are, and listen without judgment or expectations. Everyone is on their path, and sometimes like here, we are lucky enough to have many trails converge on this spot. And now we can see it and return for some camaraderie.