PAPeanut

I'm going to try to keep this short but my history is long, so I apologize in advance.
I am not an addiction rookie. I grew up with a brother who was in and out of rehab for the better part of my life. My sister is also a recovered addict. I've been to coutless Family Weeks, AA meetings as well as Al Anon and Ala Teen. I myself am recovering from an Eating Disorder which is an addiction itself. I know that recovery is a very long, very hard road for both the addict and the family.
Guess I just never thought I'd be traveling this road again.
My fiance and I fell in love in high school, though we were both too scared to do anything about it. We went to our Junior Prom together. After high school we both went off to find our own ways in life, both have been filled with MANY difficult challenges. I got married, had two beautiful children, was diagnosed Bipolar, entered rehab for my Eating Disorder many times, faught cancer and and stayed in an abusive marriage for far too long. He was diagnosed with cancer when he was twenty, losing his ability to have childern, the only real thing he has ever wanted. That's where his intro to this hell began. He became addicted to painkillers which eventually progressed into other, harder, drugs as well as alcohol. His DOC now is Heroine.
Two years ago our paths crossed again and it was by pure fate and the hands of our graceful God. I was having a very trying day when he accidentally dialed my number (he never had my phone number until he dialed it). This is the man that I have been in love with since high school. The man I always dreamt of spending my life with. Though many years had passed, I never lost that love. He feels the same. We've been together since, both of us finally having the family we have always longed for. He was straight up honest with me about his addiction, gave me all of the sorted details so that I knew what I was getting into. At the time he had been in recovery for quite a while. Due to all the trouble and his many relapses his family had all but given up on him.
Two weeks after we got together he lost his niece and best friend to a tragic drunk driving accident. This was the begining of another relapse. Shortly after that his mother passed (she was one of the few in his family that have never given up on him). He got himself clean and was working a solid program. He has relapsed a few more times but has always seemed to stay in treatment just long enough to detox.
I found out about two weeks ago that he has relapsed again (started back up about a month ago if that is to be believed).
I took a good long look in the mirror and realized that I have once again become the doormat that I swore I never would be again. There have been so many lies that I no longer know what to believe. He has sold so much of my/our stuff that I don't even know what's missing anymore. He has stole money from me and the children. He started a landscaping business but put all of the money either back into the business or up his nose. He wrecked my car. He pays no bills here (myself and my extremely loving parents take care of them all). Enough already! I need this man in my life but I need him clean. After very many tears I finally worked up the nerve to tell him that he needs to leave. I told him that he can go live with his dad and that if he wants to come back and work on us then he needs to sucessfully complete a treatment program, along with any aftercare they recommend as well as find himself a greif coulselor. I told him that he will always have my support and that I will come to every family day that he wants me to. But I have been enabling him for far too long and putting him before my children from relapse number one.
He is leaving tomorrow. We are telling the kids that he has to go take care of his dad for awhile but that we will still see him.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have to be strong for my babies but I honestly don't know if I have it in me. I see a counselor every week and plan on going to as many Al Anon meetings as I can (there are no Nar Anon near me). But I feel like I'm drowning. I need a rope and all I can find is a thread. He has so much anger in him over this and I feel so guilty.
So my question is simple. I will survive...won't I?
If you've gotten this far I thank you and apologize for the length of my post. Wow though! It sure feels good to get it out there!

EnglishGarden

He is very desperate for drugs, to steal from you, loving you as much as you describe. His betrayal of you shows how desperate he is.

That means you have to surrender, just as you are doing. We all here at SR have had to surrender to our powerlessness over drug addicts and alcoholics.

Welcome.

You cannot predict what will next unfold. Nor how long your story with this man goes on.

But you can make, as you are doing, a conscious choice to live your life by your deepest, unshakable values and by choosing the highest good for your family. "The greatest good for the greatest number." He does not get to be the most important person. He should not be allowed to harm you and your loved ones. You and your children need a sanctuary in your home, the world is dangerous enough without having to invite a drug addict to your couch, table and bed.

Just make choices that are values-based, and God will take care of the rest of your story. You will survive that story.

Your abf knows who can help him. Let him find those people. They are there every day.

lightseeker

I think you already sound like a survivor. You have a good recovery plan in place. You know it will be difficult but I'm betting that you already know the answer to your question...with the grace of God and a good recovery program you have all that you need to survive. Remember, by taking care of you and your babies you actually may be handing him the gift of finding his bottom. You are still offering your support if he choses to take the steps towards helping himself.

I definitely understand the grief and know that it probably feels unbearable right now. Going to lots of meetings and posting here will help. I put my now ex-husband first for a lot of years and am really sorry for that. My children deserved better (he was their step father). I feel like I am paying the price for that now and really wish that I had done what you are doing a long time ago.

It is sad....addiction is sad. But there is a way out and you're taken some pretty powerful steps in that direction. Sending you hugs....

dollydo

Yes, you will survive and flourish.

There is no excuse for not putting your children first, you are their future, it is your responsibility to not expose them to addiction. They have possibly inherited the gene that will predispose them to addiction and other dysfunctional issues that will follow them into adulthood.

Are you still going to meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do so again, also read Codependent No More, you are codependent and need to get healthy so that you can begin managing your life and make proper decisions. There is a reason why you keep hooking up with damaged men.

wicked

Please, please for the sake of your children, you NEED NO ONE.
You need to take care of yourself and get help so you do not step in this pile of crap again.
I know, I married to it twice, and I am in recovery.
The only person who could do that was ME.

Beth

What kind of man takes support from his wife's parents?
A very sick selfish addicted man.

PAPeanut

Thank you all for your kind words and support. As I said he is leaving tomorrow. But he just had to get one more use in (hopefully his last) before he leaves. I just sat outside my bathroom listening to him tap his bags out and snort them while at the same time listening to my children downstairs laughing. But I think the pounding of my heart was the loudest.
When he came out I simply asked him why and he walked right past me. I went outside where he was and very calmly asked him what his bottom was because it appears that me asking him to leave us is not his bottom. His response? Me telling him to get out is his bottom and that's why he had to use. So now I've become the reason he uses?

wicked

This is what addicts do. Blame shift.
Of course it is your fault.
I mean, you did go out and buy it, and bring it home, and tap it out, and shoved his nose in it, right?
No, you are not the reason he uses, he uses because that is how he chooses to avoid his life and feeling anything.
As long as it is someone elses fault, then he has no responsibility for his actions.
Take care of yourself, and now that he is leaving you can be downstairs with your laughing children, instead of outside the bathroom door with your heart pounding.
Live your life, and let him live his, even if you don't agree with it. It is his choice.

Beth

Ilovemysonjj

Dear PA, i have a son who has been on heroin for two years and I knew about it since March of 2010. I kept my head in the sand and minimized the missing money, missing video games, missing recycling etc. And through all of that I thought my love could save him. Nope, he stole every precious memory (all of my rings, necklaces, my husbands rings, bracelets, a krugerrand, ) and the list goes on. I did this in the name of "love". I couldn't bear to lose my son. In the end I realized I lost him when he chose the drug. I had him arrested. He went to jail for 4 months, then rehab, now sober living. He may be sover and he may not, I dont know any more but I am choosing to separate from him with very little contact and it hurts so bad, but that is how the bottom is reached. Take care of you and your children. All of my enabling has hurt my other two children, my husband and the worst casualty, my Mom. She recently died of cancer and her undying love for my son was tempered by the extreme hurt he caused her through his theft and lies.
Heroin is a killer and until your man WANTS to be rid of it, it will rule him and everyone who loves him if you let it.
Please find help and let him go hit bottom. He is an active addict. He is NOT the person you loved in high school.
Hugs and prayers for you and yours
Teresa

itsanewday2011

You are NOT the reason that he uses. Sorry, I think it would have been perfectly acceptable to kick him out at that moment that he stepped out of the bathroom. (I say that now, but a year ago I probably would have done the exact same thing as you did).

As others have said - you ARE a survivor and you will get through this. Protect those kiddos and you.

Sorry if I sound somewhat harsh here, but I know through everything else that you have been through you WILL survive, you are strong, and you will be a great mom to your children by giving them a good example of setting appropriate boundaries.

Hugs to you.

BeavsDad

"I took a good long look in the mirror and realized that I have once again become the doormat that I swore I never would be again."

Wake up and snap out of the fantasy.

Stay strong.

Your children will absorb your strengths and weaknesses and it will affect them throughout their lives.

Freedom1990

This statement concerns me greatly.

For many years, including into my own recovery from addictions/alcoholism, I couldn't distinguish between my wants and needs.

It took hitting a bottom in my codependency and relationships to open up my eyes.

I had always settled for "less than" in my relationships because I didn't believe I was complete without a male companion in my life.

I went through several relationships after I completed rehab, each and every one of them dysfunctional. At worst, they were emotionally abusive. At best, they were emotionally absent.

My man-picker had been horribly broken all those years.

When my ex-fiance, who I now know was a dry drunk, walked out on me one day, I experienced pain like I never have before, AND for the first time, I also saw the pain in my children's and granddaughter's face due to my selfish choice to stay engaged with men who were dysfunctional.

It was no longer about my pain only. It was about the pain in my loved ones around me in regard to my poor choices for the sake of having a man in my life.

That day I made a commitment to start my recovery in codependency, and to stay away from any relationships/dating until I had done some serious self-reflection and hard work on changing my warped beliefs. That was July of 1999.

Here I am today, almost 13 years later. Yes, I've done some dating. No, none of them have come close to relationship material. I have high standards these days.

It's hard to believe some days that I have gone from being the queen of codependency to feeling content being by myself.

I enrolled full-time in college at the age of 50 and earned two associate degrees. My life is my own, I answer to no one but my higher power and myself. I have a "zoo crew" who are my second set of kids. My life is full and rich, and all without a man. Who would've thunk it?

Sending you hugs of support!

outtolunch

Instead of relapse I am reading that his addiction has been progressive with an occasional pause that refreshes. Just when we think someone is bottoming, they manage to dig deeper than we ever considered possible.

A boundary usually begins with "I will/ will not..." A boundary does not seek to control another person.

Attempts to control other people usually begin with " You will/ will not... or else...." Such attempts do not work and lead to mutual resentment.

Your hopeful highschool fantasy of the guy you wanted and needed has been replaced with a dope fiend who lies, steals, wrecks your car, pays no bills and brings in and uses dope under the roof you share with your young children. Where's your bottom?

Everyone here knows, with certainty, that you deserve to treat yourself and your kids better than you have been doing because you and they are worth it.