married10

So besides my other post, I was wanting to hear from some how there divorce outcome came out with having to go up against an alcoholic.

So here is the gist of what is happening...I filed, he wouldn't talk to me about anything so of course my lawyer said lets right up the request of petition on how I feel, (what else did I have to go off of right)

For the house... I get it in its entirety... no paying him back for his portion (he won't give me a solid number on what he thinks its worth and 3 months later after his lawyer sent a letter stating that he wants it appraised he still hasn't done that). I don't know if I have legal rights to lower the amount from what the appraisal comes back at but would really like to go back on the assessed value when he got his DUI when it all started in 2010. There is a $30000 differnce since then.

he wants us to have 50/50 custody and have to pay no child support. His job is crazy hours of work and can be located on the road also. I can maintain 100% of what the kids have grown up with and still can with or with out him, I have it done already without him there off drinking. he says on his days with the kids his family will get the kids off to school and to there activites... really will the courts look at that as the best interest of the kids? I won't give up on this one though...Maybe the courts will see my side for once and maybe not?
If this goes to trial, which my lawyer thinks it will with all the info that is being request to turn in. This is what I can bring to the table..
Witness' to testify of him drinking while on probabtion, drinking and then starting his vehicle by disabling the blow machine with the kids in his care. (sadly most of these witness' are his own family). I have pictures that were posted on fb by a friend of his, totally smashed, beer in hand and dancing on a bar, they are dated and that is while he was on probabtion also. I have documented the times he has drank and approximatley how much, he just recently came home drinking and driving just the other night. (it probably honestly has been the first time in 7 months that he has done that).

I guess him and his lawyer think I make more on my business then what I have reported on taxes and his lawyer requested that I submit all my sales and reciepts to him, so that he can go through them. He wants 3 years worth and requested that he go through them at his own office. Can I request that they stay at my lawyers and he has to go there?

Part of me wants revenge and want to file for sole custody, part of me is afraid if we go to court without a decision made on custody that they will strip him of his parental rights and give me sole custody. I now that doesn't mean he won't get to see them, but part of me thinks they will let him see them less then what I offered. He has had 4 DUIs in a span of 17 years, and the last one was only not quite 2 years ago, blowing 3 times the legal limit and a report of a 911 call of him driving down the road on the wrong side of a major highway.

Has anyone been divorced in a state of "equitably distribution" and not a communional distribution state?

Thanks all so much!

onlythetruth

As a lawyer myself, I can tell you this is not the place to ask for any sort of advice on these issues. State divorce laws vary so much that, unfortunately, nobody else's experience is going to count for much, unless they are in your state.

Your lawyer is the best one to answer these questions.

I will also say, as someone who has gone through a divorce myself, that "what is best for the kids?" does tend to be a mighty helpful question to ask oneself during the process.

married10

thanks gals, not really looking for legal advice for say (I know that is such a hard one to answer) just a what would you do type thing or just how would you proceed (you yourself). I don't know, maybe I just needed to vent frustration too. I hate this so much and with him in denial that this divorce has anything to do with him and puts all the blame on me is freaking frustrating that I just want to pull my hair out!

Cyranoak

I'm going to give you legal advice anyway. Get a lawyer!

Cyranoak

LaTeeDa

SR is great for emotional support or to vent about how frustrating divorcing an alcoholic can be. (I know, it was for me, too.) Legal advice, however, must come from your attorney.

So, by coming here for support with the emotional part of it, you save yourself a lot of money by not using your attorney as a therapist.

Speaking of therapists, mine told me that once they find out they can't have the love, then they want the money. My AH was never greedy or selfish when it came to money--till I filed for divorce. I understand how frustrating it can be, but remember this--it will end. That's the beauty of divorce, it resolves the relationship, once and for all. He can make it difficult, but he can't prevent it from happening. Just remembering that kept me going through some tough times.

L

nodaybut2day

When I considered my DD's safety, both physically and emotionally, I found I needed to get as much custody as I could, because I didn't want to have to be in a situation where I couldn't protect her. I didn't however go for sole custody because I knew from talking to my lawyer that this isn't often granted where I live. I offered to give him short visitation periods (2 x week), generally at times where I knew he wouldn't have time to get smashed (right after work on Wednesday night and early Sunday morning). In the end, he was only availing himself of that Sunday visit, and even then, DD came back to me one day covered in dried blood. Since there was no proof of his alcoholism, except my sworn affidavit, I couldn't request supervised visitation, so I aimed to keep things as they were, with DD being with my 95% of the time and him getting 3.5 hrs a week of visitation. My higher salary guaranteed that his child support payments would be rather low, but he never paid it, so who cares. Thankfully, he never showed in court and I got the best I could for DD.

This is just my experience. Considering the fact that your X has a proven track record with alcohol, I would suggest discussing with your lawyer the possibility of requiring that you both abstain from drug and alcohol consumption 12 hours prior and during all visitation with the children. It's not much but at least it's easier to go after him if/when he does screw up and drink while caring for them. Perhaps it's also possible in your case to request supervised visitation.

Again, as previous posters have said, talk to your lawyer.

marie1960

He is simply dragging his feet, trying to control the situation, and manipulate you. Typical BS.

All I know for sure, everytime you call the lawyer, and enlist their expertise $$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

What does he need all your receipts for. Shouldn't your income tax statement be enough?

Hang in there

Jazzman

Yes. Twice! What would you like to know?

My state has guidelines for property settlement and custody/support. Most guidelines are negotiable but not child support payments. In a equitable distribution state I am entitled to what I am entitled to by the law, not what I think I deserve.

Divorce #2, I bought my home prior to the marriage so a portion of the loans principal was paid for with my money and a portion was paid for with "marital" money, (from the date were were married). That percentage is calculated and applied to equity earned. Of the % of marital equity I was entitled to half, but entitled to all the non marital share.

Who screwed up in the marriage and why, a judge doesn't really care about. They have heard it all before day in and day out Ad nauseam. Who pays for the appraisal of the home to determine that value, who buys out the others interest in the property is all stuff a judge will expect both parties would have settled before ever seeing them in court. I didn't even go to court on #2, my lawyer did.

Divorce isn't about fair or justice. It's a complication required to legally divide a domestic relationship governed by the laws of the state you live (get divorced) in. And the system treats it just as sterile.

Good luck and keep the kids best interest in mind, even of you're the only one taking the high road, it will pay off in spades down the road. And there is a life after divorce, it's a good life too.

Portia123

Are you in a community property state? In every state that I know of, every parent has a duty to support the children, so I can't see any judge ordering no child support. Depending on what state you are in, the law will presume guideline support based on income(s). If you H won't get an appraisal on the house, then you do it and stick him with the bill. Don't give up your house or equity in it. Refinance and buy him out if you can. As to custody 50/50, I'd ask for sole legal and joint physical, with very limited visitation - with his drinking and witnesses to it, you might even be successful in getting supervised visitation with H. Don't let the AH manipulate you! Be strong and assert your rights. A's are unreasonable, manipulative and basically, stupid. Listen to your lawyer, and stick to your guns.... Have you tried Al-Anon? It might help you, in my group, there are people going through divorces and you'll find support and encouragement there. Good luck and be strong!!

married10

Thank you all for your support and experiences. It is just so hard to not only to learn that I will be on my own and the whole sense of the word, but it is harder yet that he won't let it go.
Still to this day 8 months after filing, he still thinks we will work it out. Talks about things in future tense as if we will still be together. It is so frustrating.
My lawyer has been a little slow to get back to me on somethings, not sure what is up with that, otherwise has been great in communication in the start. And I know everytime I contact her, its money out the door. So I have been trying to be very patient and just do the sit and wait thing.

I do know almost 100% that my stbxah, will drag this out up til the court date, its just how he is. But it so sucks for my end of things. I know I can't do much til court date, maybe the judge will at least look at that he has been uncooperative and that will help my side of things!

Thanks again all so much!

Carol Star

And don't underestimate how nasty they can be- we wrote our own seperation agreement and saved $......it was fair- 50/50......

Cyranoak

Sometimes what is best for your children is actually what's best for you. You must take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Some decisions may seem selfish to others, but if they are made because you need them to be made so you can be there for your children then make them. You decide, and nobody else.

Don't be a martyr. Martyrs, for obvious reasons, can't take care of their children.

Cyranoak