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can someone help me to understand why living with someone in recovery can be difficul



can someone help me to understand why living with someone in recovery can be difficul

Old 12-26-2003, 12:34 PM
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can someone help me to understand why living with someone in recovery can be difficul

I have been living with a man who has been clean 2 years. he would have had 7 years clean but he relasped. He lives the program , meets with his sponser and makes meetings.
I just dont understand why he is so angry all the time he is in a bad mood often. I am usually in a okay mood not in bad moods and if anything i gat sad but never angry... the dumbest things set him off, no milk laundry. Just responsibilities
I cant ever make him feel better, why? he has a good woman! Why be so angry ? wwhy hardly ever show graditude, he has a good family
please explain
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Old 12-26-2003, 12:54 PM
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I don't have the answers but I am terrified I too will be asking these questions myself going forward. My husband comes home from rehab next week and will be starting his 90 meetings in 90 days, etc. I have already experienced the 'dry drunk' stuff which made me feel more hopeless than I had in a long time. My husband's psychological overhaul has left him quite raw and he is not able to numb himself as he once did. I am often the recipient of his emotional dumpings - how lucky for me.
I intend to stick with Al Anon and my affirmations and prayer. He has gotten me through this far and I am grateful. It seems tricky, the whole loving detachment thing, but I know it works. Usually, my hubby seems to pull himself out of his pout but it takes longer than it might for others. He is still getting to know himself and he doesn't always like what he finds. But it's progress - those funky moods and sad days are part of the healing, I guess. Only you will know when or if enough is enough for you.
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Old 12-26-2003, 12:55 PM
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Hi Nici.

Wait a second, let me put on my body padding.

Okay.

For some people, 12 step groups are not the answer, or only part of the answer. I have no idea if this applies to your sig-o, but there simply are real emotional disorders that sometimes lead to or accompany alcoholism or drug use that the 12 steps can't fix. Bi-Polar. Some Stress disorders. Others. Unfortunately, just like the drinking itself, this is a part of his recovery that you probably can't affect. If he gets mad about milk, imagine how he might react if you say you think he needs a shrink. However, if he's working a program and is still fitful and deeply moody, one would hope he could see his way clear to getting the opinion of a medical doctor.

The whys and hows of his behavior belong to him, though. Your province is deciding if you can live with it.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 12-26-2003, 01:52 PM
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Nici,

I have the same kinds of problems with my husband, and he is not an addict. I was the one with the problem and have been in recovery for awhile now. (I was not an addict when he met me. ) He has been that way since we were married, and I just don't understand it, but I can certainly empathize with you. Anything can put him in a bad mood, and Sundays are the worst. He is always in a bad mood on Sundays, so I just try to stay out of his way. It doesn't seem to matter at all how nice or accomodating I try to be, so I am trying to learn how to take care of myself and not let myself be so affected my his moods. It is hard for me, but I am trying.

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Old 12-26-2003, 02:41 PM
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Thank you for only noticing my bad points your husband the sigo
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Old 12-26-2003, 02:48 PM
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I'm not sure I understand, but if you are Mr. Nici, hopefully you do not object to your wife sharing with a support group, much like you would share at your meetings.

Her sharing is about her, and what is bothering her, and that's all we are here to address. If you read the posts, you will see that your issued are your issues and hers are hers. Please respect that.

Ann
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Old 12-26-2003, 02:49 PM
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can someone help me to understand why living with someone in recovery can be difficul

Thank you for only noticing my bad points your husband the sigo Here we go once again with the character assasination I hope your happy about the way you have made me feel You know there is a thing called communication and if you had a problem with me we could have always discussed it This is so not right I hope you are happy now No Matter What I will Not Use I Will Continue With My Recovery Thank You For Sharing.
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Old 12-26-2003, 03:10 PM
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Whoa.....! This is scary.

Nici,,lets us know you are okay,,ok???
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Old 12-26-2003, 03:14 PM
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Not scary, 12 Step Girl. I think when he realizes that she too is looking for a program that will support her recovery, that he will understand that sharing here is healthy and a move forward on her part.

Recovery supports recovery. No matter which side of the fence you are on.

Hugs
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Old 12-26-2003, 03:56 PM
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Nici please do find a program of recovery for yourself there are many things you can learn.

Nici 's husband,

Continue with your program and congrats on your determination to stay sober. I wish you both well and once wife has her program of recovery as in all relationships I hope you will meet half way.

Be well you two, it takes a lot of love and support on both sides, I know, I'm the alcoholic in my marriage.
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Old 12-26-2003, 04:39 PM
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Ann made a great point

"Recovery supports recovery".
I also think that respecting someone's internet privacy is very important in a healthy relationship.
As for anger issues, Spicoli had a ton of them. Some were due to the drinking, some were due to the fact that he needed anti-depressants. Now that I have seen him sober for an extended period of time, and taking the anti-depressants faithfully; I see a changed man. He no longer goes into a rage state about the slightest little thing.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 12-26-2003, 07:10 PM
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****{NICI}}} Been there, done that - married a 'sober' guy who had 12 years 'sobriety' but was so full of anger, it was worse than living with a drunk. At least with a drunk you can see the reason for his behaviour, but with someone who was heavily into AA service with 13 years behind him, it was a complete nightmare.

He also used to get very angry if he thought I had shared about my marriage problems in AA meetings, or even with my sponsor!!! Because his reputation was at stake. Of course in AA meetings, and when carrying out his AA service duties, he looked and acted like the epitomy of sobriety, but this disappeared as soon as he walked into our home!!

I know we can all go through a dry drunk now and again, but a continuous five years is a bit much, really. And as Mr Nici posted, we are supposed to look also for the good points, and I TRIED!! really I Tried - AND I DID see SOME good points, but not nearly enough to encourage me to stay with him.

We divorced after five years of complete hell,and thank God and the support of AA I sayed sober.

GABE - [I also think that respecting someone's internet privacy is very important in a healthy relationship] I AGREE, to me it is like someone opening your mail when it comes through the door!!!
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Old 12-26-2003, 07:43 PM
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What I found scary was his using her screen name and account here to post without identifying himself. I felt she might be in danger..ie= scary.

I hope we hear from you soon, Nici!
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Old 12-26-2003, 07:50 PM
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I am Mr nici and I would like to thank all of you for being my eyes and ears And you guys are right I should not evade in my girlfriends recovery I hope that this will not interfere with you guys reaching out and helping her I was wrong and I do apologize to you all and I've apologized to her as well and will continue the amends by not repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results And about the milk Hey Gotta Have it something I havent surrendered yet Thank you all once again May you all have a safe serene holiday
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Old 12-26-2003, 08:00 PM
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Hi Mr. Nici,

If you're gonna hang around , please get your own user name and give Nici's back. We'll be glad to talk to you, we just like everybody to have their own name. Have a nice holiday.

Thanks and no hard feelings.
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Old 12-26-2003, 08:03 PM
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Mrs Nici,
Whow what did I do! I did not want this to happen thats for sure. I want you all to know I have nothing to hide from my husband especially my difficultys in our relationship. I showed him what i had a problem with, I agree with the privacy part on a healthy relationship. I do have a healthy relationship with that comes ups and downs. To 12 step girl thanks I am not in danger. Too ann yes recovery supports recovery, and we are both learning..
I also want to apologize to mr nici for I did not congragulate him on staying clean Mr. Nici I support you through thick and thin. the road just gets rough sometimes, I love you !
Juls I agree i need to learn to not be affected my these moods for they pass perhaps we can learn together!
I thank all of you for all the support.
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Old 12-26-2003, 08:31 PM
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I am glad this all worked out.

As Smoke said, Mr. Nici should register under a name of his own (that is our policy and helps avoid confusion) and he might enjoy sharing his recovery on the AA or NA boards above.

Nici, I am glad you are back and both you and Mr. Nici can rest assured that what you share here, stays here. We are happy for his recovery, and we are happy that you can continue working your recovery here.

This board is about US and our issues, and it is about changing us and not the addict/alcoholic, and we learn to live healthily and responsibly and keep our balance, on our good and bad days as well as their good and bad days.

And I am also very happy that you each are supporting the other's recovery - that's a double win in my books.

Hugs
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Old 12-26-2003, 09:10 PM
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thank you for your response. we both share the same computer at home, somehow one of us keep getting lock out and our user names get confused. we will look into it.
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Old 12-26-2003, 09:49 PM
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I can explain it in a simple way.....he doesn't live in gratitude...yet. That's the key to recovery.....living in gratitude. That is the result of working the 12 steps. I doubt he's completed all of those steps.

I, too, didn't know how to just wake up and appreciate my life until I had worked the 12 steps of Al-Anon. Then, I stopped even wanting to look at what all was wrong and started falling in love with all that was right.

Transformation of me.......through the 12 steps.

Do you attend Al-Anon, btw? Is this just "his" problem? I'd suggest you get your own program. That way, his moods can be his moods and not ruin your day. You can have a wonderful life learning to let other people have their own feelings and their own attitudes and not have it affect you so much.

I learned to do this in Al-Anon. Saving you a seat!
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Old 12-27-2003, 09:16 AM
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Whew!

Am I glad this one worked out.

Mr. Nici, congrats on your recovery and accepting your g/f's need and desire for her own recovery.

My A s/o was the one who suggested Al-Anon for me as he committed himself to rehab not only to better himself, but to have a healthy relationship with me. His suggestion of Al-Anon was so that I can find some serenity in dealing with him, learn how to support him, not be a codie to his actions, and to also have a healthy relationship with him. He knows I found this forum, I told him about it. He doesn't know where it is, he doesn't have access to 'look it up', but he does respect my privacy (he knows how badly my internet privacy was invaded by an ex-h) and if he found me here or what I've written (he'd know it was because of him and about him), he'd be o.k....he's anonymous here as we all are. He'd be pleased I'm seeking the help I need and I'm pleased to see you've turned the corner and support your g/f's recovery.
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